Serious players and the search for a partner, both long term or short

CuriouslyInterested

Verified Dragon
  • Straight
  • Female
  • Submissive
Staff member
Jan 12, 2015
464
46
28
Midwest
Let me start by saying there are a lot of people here that understand how the dynamics of BDSM works. That said, there's a whole lot of ridiculousness around that needs to be examined around here. If you are looking for a play partner for a one time or occasional thing, or if you are looking for a long term relationship, you need to stop and think of how to achieve these things, especially if you are a male since you largely outnumber the women around here.

Welcome to the world of kink, where the only rule that isn't agreed upon by individual players is CONSENT. The thing that makes the activities in a BDSM relationship different from abuse is consent. Consent is SACRED people, acting without it makes you many, many unpleasant things. Not everyone likes the same things. People have different likes, limits and triggers.

1- STOP CALLING PEOPLE SLUT, WHORE, CUM DUMPSTER, WHATEVER OTHER DEROGATORY NAME YOU CAN THINK OF UNTIL YOU KNOW THEY ARE OKAY WITH IT! You don't walk up to random people and call them a name and expect them to favor you. The internet is the same way, regardless of it being a kink site. If a sub says they want to be degraded, by all means have it. Until then you treat them with respect because you don't have permission to do otherwise. Once you know it turns them on or even they don’t mind it, have at it, until them you are not allowed. Again, CONSENT IS SACRED, without it you're not cool at all.

2-START TALKING. There is a 99% chance that a person who answers your request for a relationship with an immediate agreement is not seriously going to stick around. Serious people take things serious and don't agree to relationships with strangers. All relationships require trust, it takes time to build it. Stop saying "Message me with 'I'm yours master'", that's a commitment that they can't make without knowing you, and it's a commitment you shouldn't ask for from a stranger. Stop sending messages to strangers, especially without even looking at their profile, saying "I want to be your dom/sub." No you don't, you want a partner and that person happens to be the correct gender. Start reading and getting to know people. Start a conversation like you would start with a normal person, tell them what caught your eye. You don't pick up the phone and call someone you only know is your preferred gender of partner and ask them to start a sexual relationship, stop doing in messages.

3-STOP CLAIMING PEOPLE YOU HAVE NEVER TALKED WITH. How often does "I'm your master now. Kik me at xxx" really work out? Until someone agrees, no one is anyone else's master. If a sub places an ad, they are looking for someone, you don't decide they are looking for you. You're missing the whole consent thing, both knowing what they consent to, and having their consent to give them an order.

4-START READING. Start looking at profiles. Start seeing if people are still active. Start looking at the types of things people have posted. Do they have blogs? Are they looking for someone? If they say they are a sub, don’t try to make them a dom. If they are a dom, don’t try and make them a sub. They might switch on occasion, you find this out by talking to them (see step 2). There is a wealth of information that can be found by simply looking beyond the tag under the name that says their gender, orientation and sexuality.

5-STOP RIDICULOUS DEMANDS AND SUGGESTIONS. It's easy to forget that on the internet there are actually other people behind the screen. It's easy to overlook that some of these people are new and are just starting their exploration. Stop telling them to do outlandish things. This scares people off from not only this site but from kink in general. There is a record of all your posts that people can see. When you approach someone new or they run across your name and look at your profile to see what you're about, they see this junk you told someone else to do and you probably just lost any shot at a new play partner.

7-START BEING HONEST. It’s okay to be inexperienced. It’s okay to not want a commitment. It’s okay to have more than one partner. It’s not okay to make yourself out as something you’re not. This world requires trust, start building a reputation as someone who is trustworthy.

8-STOP IGNORING STATEMENTS. If a thread says they are looking for a male, they are looking for a male. If the thread says they are looking for a female, they are looking for a female. If it says either or doesn't specify is the only time they don't care. Stop suggesting you'll work if you aren't what they specified. The only exception to this rule is transgender people, if you're not sure, this is the time to ask. If a post says they prefer private message, message them, stop filling up the thread with "kik me". Stop being lazy, start putting the effort forth. If it says "KIK me at xxx if you're interested", kik them, stop leaving your kik, if you don't have a kik or skype or whatever they said, ask if they will communicate by the means you are available to use. People like to be heard, start making the effort to listen.

9-START PAYING ATTENTION. The kink community should be self-policing. Start speaking up when you see problems. The more serious people about, the more new comers will feel safe to explore. Speak up when you see inappropriate behavior and report it. Speak up when you see predators. Stand up for people who need it. Welcome the new people looking for some place to start. (Welcome does not mean bombard them with orders, demands, etc.) Start making this place a community, only a very small part of it was designed as a hookup site.

Everyone here should have read the rules for posting, especially if you post looking for a partner. If you missed them or might need a refresher, find them here: http://www.kinktalk.com/talk/showthread.php?t=8

If you’re new or not having any luck finding a new play partner, have you checked out Chloe’s Master/Slave Relationship-Getting Started 101? http://www.kinktalk.com/talk/showthread.php?t=300

Start making yourself stand out and look respectable and finding a partner, especially one that sticks around, will be a lot easier.
 

Doctor Pervert

Retired
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Private
May 19, 2013
3,508
4,729
483
Great post!
Really sums up whats what, now hopefully if enough people read it we should start to see a real improvement in post quality and attitudes...
 

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