A bit confused

Noir

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Aug 17, 2017
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I'm a 23 year old woman, I am aware of BDSM since I was 13 (a mild taste of it while reading stories mostly), but I lost interest quickly. I had my first relationship with a Dom at 18. I know he was a Dom because lately I have been reading a lot about this and a lot of his gestures and actions fit perfectly. Right now i have a relationship with a guy who is 3 years younger than me and I had to teach him even the basics. I completely love the whole concept of submission, even touching the extremes of intense pain and blood, but I have been 'sexually training' my partener(only basics of plain vanilla sex). In real life i hold a position that gives me control over others and decides schedules and financial steps to be taken. I love it as well, i have absolutely no intention to be ordered around. However while in bed im poles apart. Is it possible to be opposites in different areas in your life (sexually a slave, professionally a dom)? My boyfriend tried to fullfil my fantasy, but i can t get into his "play". I don't see him able to overpower me; hence my question...does a dom have to surpass a sub both intelectually and physically? Does a sub need to acknowledge a dom as his superior to be able to submit? Or is it just a simple skin deep role play where a sub just accepts its position? Also, i cannot speak during sex, i don't like answering, putting questions, talking; I don't even know if i am a sub anymore, hence i chose the dominant launge, but i still fantasize about men who could just choke my thoughts to an end and i still want my relationship to continue. We haven't had sex for 4 months after that failed attempt. A bit despressed that the man with whom id like to live my life could never fulfill my fantasy. Couldn't shorten this more.
 

exandros

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sorry for my short reply but...

domination has to be mental and intellectual..."physical things" are secondary.
And yes..its normal to be opposites...u simply want (in sex) something u don't have in ur professional life.
 

subzzzero

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I'm a 23 year old woman, I am aware of BDSM since I was 13 (a mild taste of it while reading stories mostly), but I lost interest quickly. I had my first relationship with a Dom at 18. I know he was a Dom because lately I have been reading a lot about this and a lot of his gestures and actions fit perfectly. Right now i have a relationship with a guy who is 3 years younger than me and I had to teach him even the basics. I completely love the whole concept of submission, even touching the extremes of intense pain and blood, but I have been 'sexually training' my partener(only basics of plain vanilla sex). In real life i hold a position that gives me control over others and decides schedules and financial steps to be taken. I love it as well, i have absolutely no intention to be ordered around. However while in bed im poles apart. Is it possible to be opposites in different areas in your life (sexually a slave, professionally a dom)? My boyfriend tried to fullfil my fantasy, but i can t get into his "play". I don't see him able to overpower me; hence my question...does a dom have to surpass a sub both intelectually and physically? Does a sub need to acknowledge a dom as his superior to be able to submit? Or is it just a simple skin deep role play where a sub just accepts its position? Also, i cannot speak during sex, i don't like answering, putting questions, talking; I don't even know if i am a sub anymore, hence i chose the dominant launge, but i still fantasize about men who could just choke my thoughts to an end and i still want my relationship to continue. We haven't had sex for 4 months after that failed attempt. A bit despressed that the man with whom id like to live my life could never fulfill my fantasy. Couldn't shorten this more.

Is it possible to be opposing roles from daily life to home life? Yes absolutely. It's far more common than some think that women who play the power position at work and need to remain in charge and in control due to job responsibilities, want the opposite when she's home. The desire to submit let all responsibility of choices go allowing her mind to rest and body relax.

Your Submission is something you have to give to a dominant. If you cannot see him as your Dom and cannot give it then he will never be able to "take it" as you put it. My philosophy is once you control the mind the body will follow. If you really want this with him I suggest long open conversation including expectations and likes dislikes etc. be open with each other and tell him what you want. Listen to his side see what he wants.

The 4 months no sex after one mishap seems extreme and unhealthy this is why open honest dialogue is so important. Sit down and talk it out. Maybe even seek him or you both out a mentor. One who can guide you both in the direction you'd like to go. A dom sub relationship can be whatever you both wish to make it. The biggest part is communication.

Also depending on how good your local community is you may be able to attend munches meets or 101sytle dungeon nights to help you both learn and explore.
 

Noir

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Aug 17, 2017
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Thank you; it makes sense in a way to desire relief from my job responsabilities when at home now that you mentioned it. And a Dom's job is the toughest as I feared- being able to take control over the subs mind. We had this conversation. His love is the obstacle to make it work. To be more specific, a slap feels more like a caress, a choke feels more like a massage, a bite feels more like the one to make a hickie and god forbid him seeing a drop of blood, I might end up with an ambulance in the house :D We don't really have any toys so I suggested him hitting my back with a belt. He just hit me once and said we should find something which wouldn't cause bruises or so much pain<-which is exactly what i seek. We haven't gone to a mentor. I just thought a Dom discovers himself and defines himself after exploring and enjoying. After these reactions I don 't think he's born or meant for this role. And as you said, the Dom is the one take control however he wants. Even if I had preciously instructed him how to do so, in a twisted kind of way, doesn't it make me the dom? My mind couldn't have possibly submitted to my own actions through someone else.
And no, I live in a shitty country, no chance for such dungeons :(
Thank you again for your answer. I will try to go to a mentor as well...exhaust any option until just giving it up :(
 

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