Private Messaging for Dummies

SubMissChievous

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Since I came back and became active again on Kink Talk I have received quite a few PMs. Some of them have been from people (mostly males) asking me for help in finding a partner. While I can't hold everyone's hand and do everyone's work here I still can give a few pointers as to what not to do.

Don't know what I'm talking about? That's okay, I'll get to the point with an example of a message I received earlier today:

Do you send pics on kik? Wanna be my little slut toy? My submissive bitch? Kik me ....

This is a sad example of the "other kind" of messages I have been receiving this past month.

Here's something to ponder about basic online etiquette: when you don't know what to say ask yourself "would I do/say this in person". If the answer is no then don't do it. As shocking as this may sound women on kink sites are not here to serve as your personal fetish delivery systems. Of course, that is unless that person has give you explicit consent that it is okay to treat them as such. But otherwise don't assume that it is going to make a stellar impression.

So if barging in women's inboxes dick first isn't the right way to do it then how do I approach them you may be wondering... Well, how about introducing yourself? Ask some questions. Women enjoy that sort of stuff, even kinky ones. Try to sound intelligent and, as much as possible avoid chat speak. This is going to impress some of us I assure you.

In short, try to act like a normal human being trying to connect with another human being.
 
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SwitchKinkyM

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As good and true as your post is, I think it's too long for your target audience. ;)
 

horny pig

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Thank you for stating this. Hopefully they will take it to heart
 

Prince_of_Mercy

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Excellent post, people should read this first before engaging in any kind of relationship. This is the essence of communication etiquette and if more people would follow this formula, there would be a lot more happier and successful relationships.
 

Geppi

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A thought

I do not dispute the point. However, I don't think anyone can question both. The person and the message. An idiot will post an idiotic message. That's not their choice. But a non idiot can post the same.
 

SubMissChievous

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I do not dispute the point. However, I don't think anyone can question both. The person and the message. An idiot will post an idiotic message. That's not their choice. But a non idiot can post the same.

Hmm I'm not quite sure what you're saying here... Maybe you can clarify?

However, if it isn't clear enough in the OP I can give you some perspective here: If we were all at a munch or a kink event, in person, it is highly doubtful that the same amount of people who behave like this online would do so in person. Because anyone who would do that would get kicked out and barred from their local community.

So, no, it's not as simple as "it's not their choice". Most people who behave like this online are not affected by such serious mental condition that they can't help themselves.
 

Geppi

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Hmm I'm not quite sure what you're saying here... Maybe you can clarify?

However, if it isn't clear enough in the OP I can give you some perspective here: If we were all at a munch or a kink event, in person, it is highly doubtful that the same amount of people who behave like this online would do so in person. Because anyone who would do that would get kicked out and barred from their local community.

So, no, it's not as simple as "it's not their choice". Most people who behave like this online are not affected by such serious mental condition that they can't help themselves.


I believe this is the second time you have used a in person vs online example. Difficult to compare in any subject especially anything kinky. The online thing is often some people's only way in.

I fully understand the point. I struggle to understand an online point explained by comparing it to a real life situation.
 

SubMissChievous

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I fully understand the point. I struggle to understand an online point explained by comparing it to a real life situation.

Well, if you understand the point then I'm confused as to what you're struggle with :confused: In what way do you think that respect and consent differ online?
 

Geppi

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Read

Well, if you understand the point then I'm confused as to what you're struggle with :confused: In what way do you think that respect and consent differ online?

Please read my original post. Particularly the first few words.

My now points are. You can't call someone an idiot and then complain they say something idiotic. and you can't judge someone's online actions compared to real life
 

SubMissChievous

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and you can't judge someone's online actions compared to real life

Actually, yes I can. Because how one deals with consent isn't any different here than offline. And I have been active online for a decade on various sites and dealt with LOTS of people. The way people interact and connect with each other isn't any different unless, as I pointed out, they have given explicit consent that it is okay to do so.

As far as the rest of your post I have read it. But you haven't really clarified what you mean and I'm not quite sure you have fully understood the whole point of my original post either.

The message I received that I shared it isn't an isolated incident. Not even close. This is something I receive daily. In fact, half of my mail here consists of drivel like this. And the other half consist of people either wondering why they can't find females or why there aren't that many females on here.

Do you see where I'm getting at now?
 

Geppi

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Actually, yes I can. Because how one deals with consent isn't any different here than offline. And I have been active online for a decade on various sites and dealt with LOTS of people. The way people interact and connect with each other isn't any different unless, as I pointed out, they have given explicit consent that it is okay to do so.

As far as the rest of your post I have read it. But you haven't really clarified what you mean and I'm not quite sure you have fully understood the whole point of my original post either.

The message I received that I shared it isn't an isolated incident. Not even close. This is something I receive daily. In fact, half of my mail here consists of drivel like this. And the other half consist of people either wondering why they can't find females or why there aren't that many females on here.

Do you see where I'm getting at now?

By cboice, or not you have replied to more than required. While I didn't quote, so my fault and I'm sorry, my first post was not in direct reply to the original post. More the replies. In the let's tell the idiots how to act. My point was if you label someone something then don't complain that they act under the label.

The online vs real life was again not in response to the original post but the resulting comments
 

SubMissChievous

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Oh if you mean my answer to SwitchKinkyM that one a tongue-in-cheek answer to an equally tongue-in-cheek comment. I thought that was clear, especially with the use of emoticons, but if there is a need to clear the air about it then now you know.

And I know where the online vs. real time came from and my answer still stands regardless whether it was in the original post or afterwards. In fact, it doesn't make any difference where the comment was made, really...
 

Geppi

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Again

Oh if you mean my answer to SwitchKinkyM that one a tongue-in-cheek answer to an equally tongue-in-cheek comment. I thought that was clear, especially with the use of emoticons, but if there is a need to clear the air about it then now you know.

And I know where the online vs. real time came from and my answer still stands regardless whether it was in the original post or afterwards. In fact, it doesn't make any difference where the comment was made, really...

There was three posts of that nature. Regardless of the severity my point was valid. Your response included the off line issue and seemingly issues from the original post as if to weaken my point. You questioned my view on consent. I never had issue with this so please do not try to passively manipulate what I have said.

I maintain the point I wanted to make. Don't be annoyed by an idiot acting like an idiot after branding them an idiot
 

SubMissChievous

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Your response included the off line issue and seemingly issues from the original post as if to weaken my point. You questioned my view on consent. I never had issue with this so please do not try to passively manipulate what I have said.

Don't assume intentions here. The reason I asked you to clarify is that you were the one who brought up how it is different online. If you have an issue with my answer that's on you. I didn't explain my point to weaken yours. Simply to offer my perspective. If you want to read more into that so be it but that wasn't my intention here.

Don't be annoyed by an idiot acting like an idiot after branding them an idiot

Clearly you did not understand the comment and once again seeing more into it than you should.

Look, it seems clear here that you're looking to argue just for the sake of it (and interestingly enough you did the same over PM yesterday on a totally different issue) so I'm not going to engage you any more on the topic as we are both just repeating each other ad nauseam here. You made your point and I made mine so let's leave it at that and let other users comment if they feel like it.
 

Doctor Pervert

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Getting back to the central issue here, which is by the way an excellent point, is this concept of hiding behind the anonymity that online provides.

It isn't just here of course but applies in many other areas, however in pm's it seems it is at its worst. I have received so many complaints from women often new to kink not just kinktalk, truly offended by the awful, rude and often dangerous messages they get from male members here.

There are the odd few who put these type of comments in posts but its not as often, why is that? Well once you post that kind of crap in an open thread its there for all to read and judge whereas a pm is read only by the poor recipient.

Oh and one more thing to ponder, in the last few weeks I have assisted 3 genuine submissive ladies to erase all trace of them from this board as they had become so fed up of receiving unwanted abusive messages in their inbox or on kik etc. Is it any wonder the ratio of female subs is so low here?
 
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lestat221

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It's an unfortunate part of the female experience online. They tend to get shotgunned blast by guys who don't take the time to find out if there is any interest (often times the lady will straight up put DON'T CONTACT ME FOR X,Y,Z) and PM them regardless. And it seems energy intensive to me, as in what's the point? How successful can that strategy really be?
 

Geppi

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Interesting

How the thread was opened again

If anyone would like to see the pm that someone talked about please message me or kik at jsniggs
 

master1

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Online vs real life does have a difference

Nearly all my sexual experiences have been online. For a guy like me there is no possible way to even get on the subject of sex in real life unless i have already been cast into the brother zone. Maybe i cant talk with a girl about that stuff if im in the friend zone AND she has a boyfriend. Otherwise I would be called a creep or pervert and just have to go home jack it alone. Most people are drawn to websites like this probably because they are in the same if not worse boat than i am. We are direct like that because we don't know anything else. I have only ever fingered a girl once. For 25 seconds at that. I only wish i was exaggerating but im not. Also that is the farthest i have ever gotten with a girl. I had a few other chances with some other girls but i was to scared to do anything. At least on the internet being really direct won't get you too much punishment in the long run. You might get rejected or banned. But hey the bright side is your not going to jail for sexual assault. Or being slapped and then ridiculed by everyone around you both the ones you know and total strangers. Now understand you comparing it to a KINK MEETING but lets be honest. A lot of the guys are direct like that are either too shy or just not able to do anything like that. I don't know of a single kink meeting i can go to with where i live. So i only have the seemingly regular people everyday or websites like this.

Now i am not saying being aggressive like that is good, but for several people its all they can think of to do. I have at least outgrown it, but then again i started a little earlier in years compared to some others. Still some may never out grow it because they lack experience that tells them they should do otherwise.
 

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