Ask About Genitalia - a How To

[subdream]

People might wonder how to ask others for their genitalia. The short answer is: just don't.

For those who want to know the reasoning behind, read on. Let me get this straight from the start: genitalia don't always match with expectations. If somebody is female, she doesn't always have boobs and/or a vagina. If somebody is male, he doesn't always have a penis. People have different names for this phenomenon. Some call it trans, some call it queer. Baseline is that you can't assume somebody's genitalia from their gender.

It's even more difficult with people who don't match with male or female. Call them queer, nonbinary or any other of the manyfold options. While female people often have boobs and a vagina and while male people often have a penis, you can't assume anything about those people. Well... you can, but you'll probably fail.

Well... if you can't assume the genitalia, why shouldn't you just ask? Apart from being rude and most of the time crossing boundaries, it's also unnecessary. This forum does have profies. People tend to fill the details they want others to know in those. So if you ask you either haven't read the profile (do that now!) or it's not in there - which most of the time means the person doesn't want you to know.

But well, it's no harm, right? Wrong. Well... in fact, often there is no harm asking. But you might ask somebody with gender dysphoria. This is a pretty common phenomenon with trans or queer people. While it is as different as people are, many persons with gender dysphoria are offended and hurt by questions regarding ther genitalia. Many experience their genitalia as something foregin, something not matching their body. So it does harm.

So the bottom line is: asking about genitalia is useless and migth cause harm. So why should you ask in the first place?

I can already imagine the buts. I know that a dominant person might need to know what the crotch area looks like. That means there might be a reason for asking people who you play with. Build up trust and the person you're playing with might be open to tell. And if they don't, you need to accept. If you can't play with somebody not telling you what their crotch area looks like, don't play with people who don't tell you upfront.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

People might wonder how to ask others for their genitalia. The short answer is: just don't.

This is a question I've pondered many times, and I agree with you that, lets face it, it's plain rude to do so.

If you consider any other situation it's just not a question that would get asked anyway, but as you go on to discuss there is some context that makes it relevant. In that, yes, within bdsm a lot of activities revolve around genital specific acts. This is reflected in lot of posts, "I need ideas for my cock/clit/tits" and so on which when stated like that removes the issue.
I also now try to phrase tasks as being for those "with a vagina" (or breasts. or clit, etc) removing gender from the statement and putting the choice for use with the reader.

There will always be rude people, those that ask things like, "Is that your real hair?" or "Are those boobs fake?", you know, wankers. But we can work at being more understanding and accepting, a little kindness goes a long way.

 

[subdream]

This is a question I've pondered many times, and I agree with you that, lets face it, it's plain rude to do so.

Yes, it is.

I also now try to phrase tasks as being for those "with a vagina" (or breasts. or clit, etc) removing gender from the statement and putting the choice for use with the reader.

That is a great way to circumvent the issue, yes.

But we can work at being more understanding and accepting, a little kindness goes a long way.

I am looking forward to doing that.

 

[subzzzero]

I have preferences and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time if it’s not going to be compatible. I support their choices so out of respect I just choose not to interact at all from the beginning if it’s not obvious or listed some how in a profile. Now I will say that I have interacted with NB, ftm mtf and people as well as some starting as one and transitioning to another as we were friends. I don’t ask directly what they have. I do ask what terms they prefer used for each area. I think that is the most respectful way to avoid using something that adds to the dysphoria.


Playing devils advocate for a second. A really good match could be missed by both sides if the norm behavior was to not list any detail and expect no one ask any details.

 

[subdream]

I have preferences and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time if it’s not going to be compatible. I support their choices so out of respect I just choose not to interact at all from the beginning if it’s not obvious or listed some how in a profile.

That's pretty fine. Anybody should be free to chose based on what they are told and/or what is deliberately omitted.

Now I will say that I have interacted with NB, ftm mtf and people as well as some starting as one and transitioning to another as we were friends. I don’t ask directly what they have. I do ask what terms they prefer used for each area. I think that is the most respectful way to avoid using something that adds to the dysphoria.

That is a great way to circumvent the problem too.

Playing devils advocate for a second. A really good match could be missed by both sides if the norm behavior was to not list any detail and expect no one ask any details.

While I do understand the resons behind that opinion, everybody omits certain things in their profile. No profile is complete and from my point of view that's perfectly fine. The less you list on your profile, the more potential play parters you'll miss though.

 

[Meorin]

I might make myself unpopular here but I feel the need to give you my perspective as a male, cis Dom.



I mostly play with afab. I also play with amab but the play is different. Almost no focus on sexual stuff and almost exclusively focused on my sadism. I can treat an afab the way I generally treat amabs but not the other way around. Depending on my mood I prefer one kind of play or the other. I am always open about the kind of play I am seeking and seek out my play partners accordingly.



The issue is that some people do not give a fuck about others, as long as they get their fix. Just because the profile here (or elsewhere) says female doesn’t mean that the person is afab. Even when there is no hint to the contrary in their profiles. A couple of years ago we simply called them fakes and moved on. These days some of those same people use trans and or genderfluidity as a shield and try to put the blame on you for making assumptions that match 95% of the population.



I am the outlier when it comes to my sadism. I can’t pretend to be vanilla and try to find a vanilla girl. The same goes if I had any extreme or very special kink that I can’t live without. If I do not say anything to the contrary, it is a reasonable assumption that my sexual preferences are mostly within what generally is considered normal. Making her have that wrong assumption when I can easily prevent it, wouldn’t be fair to her. If your gender doesn’t match with your assigned gender at birth it is just the same.



When your profile is written in a way, any reasonable person can deduct that something is going on with your gender, that is all fine with me. I will not ask you about your genitals unprompted.

My profile says I am cis. If you approach me about sexual torture and or play and your profile is written in a way, any reasonable person can deduct, that something is going on with your gender, I will ask you what is down there. Hell, if your profile says female and I get the feeling that something is off and you had plenty of time to correct me when I label your private parts, I will ask about it.



To say this again, I will not ask strangers about it. But if you initialize contact with me in a sexual context and I see a reason to, I will ask about it and I will change my behavior when your answer does not match my expectations. The same will happen when I initialize the contact and your profile doesn’t indicate any of this at all and I still find out later.



I know this sucks for people with dysphoria. But we are all adults here. The fact is, most cis people are sexually less interested in non cis people. Just as stated before, it is not fair if I pretend to be vanilla and the same it is not fair if you approach someone looking for afab when you aren’t but pretend to be.



I know this stance is considered transphobic by some of you. I was labeled as such plenty of times before for this. But for me emotionally there is a difference in how I feel about playing with afab and amab.

 

[subzzzero]

I might make myself unpopular here but I feel the need to give you my perspective as a male, cis Dom.



I mostly play with afab. I also play with amab but the play is different. Almost no focus on sexual stuff and almost exclusively focused on my sadism. I can treat an afab the way I generally treat amabs but not the other way around. Depending on my mood I prefer one kind of play or the other. I am always open about the kind of play I am seeking and seek out my play partners accordingly.



The issue is that some people do not give a fuck about others, as long as they get their fix. Just because the profile here (or elsewhere) says female doesn’t mean that the person is afab. Even when there is no hint to the contrary in their profiles. A couple of years ago we simply called them fakes and moved on. These days some of those same people use trans and or genderfluidity as a shield and try to put the blame on you for making assumptions that match 95% of the population.



I am the outlier when it comes to my sadism. I can’t pretend to be vanilla and try to find a vanilla girl. The same goes if I had any extreme or very special kink that I can’t live without. If I do not say anything to the contrary, it is a reasonable assumption that my sexual preferences are mostly within what generally is considered normal. Making her have that wrong assumption when I can easily prevent it, wouldn’t be fair to her. If your gender doesn’t match with your assigned gender at birth it is just the same.



When your profile is written in a way, any reasonable person can deduct that something is going on with your gender, that is all fine with me. I will not ask you about your genitals unprompted.

My profile says I am cis. If you approach me about sexual torture and or play and your profile is written in a way, any reasonable person can deduct, that something is going on with your gender, I will ask you what is down there. Hell, if your profile says female and I get the feeling that something is off and you had plenty of time to correct me when I label your private parts, I will ask about it.



To say this again, I will not ask strangers about it. But if you initialize contact with me in a sexual context and I see a reason to, I will ask about it and I will change my behavior when your answer does not match my expectations. The same will happen when I initialize the contact and your profile doesn’t indicate any of this at all and I still find out later.



I know this sucks for people with dysphoria. But we are all adults here. The fact is, most cis people are sexually less interested in non cis people. Just as stated before, it is not fair if I pretend to be vanilla and the same it is not fair if you approach someone looking for afab when you aren’t but pretend to be.



I know this stance is considered transphobic by some of you. I was labeled as such plenty of times before for this. But for me emotionally there is a difference in how I feel about playing with afab and amab.

This is along the lines of where I was going. If one is seeking sexual play or a tasking session or a dynamic with me. I would want to know what genitalia they have for two reasons.
1. I have preferences myself.
2. I would obviously not tell someone with a penis to stuff something into their vagina. When they do not have a vagina.

Everyone is entitled to their choices and what they want to share. But other side of coin people are also entitled to ask if they feel it’s relevant.

When someone chooses to omit items from a post or profile but is seeking interactions dynamics task with others. I think they would expect to be asked just as one would ask about hard limits likes dislikes toys avail etc.

And If in fact this causes an issue for the person then maybe they need to reassess their approach to how they seek out people.

I’m wondering if the OP complaint is based on people random cold messaging them, with the OP not giving any prior invite to those people to discuss or interact. Basically people being assholes asking someone who’s not shown any interest in being contacted.
@subdream is this the case this post was based on?
That one I would fully understand and support.

But if one was out advertising for a dominant or a play partner for sexual things I can most certainly see where it would’ve been relevant to said dominant to ask.

I personally don’t prefer someone with a penis. If I talked to someone through weeks of vetting who was presenting female and found out at the end of that vetting period they had a penis. I’m going to immediately end things.
So was this approach better or worse than me just asking in the first place? I feel the connection being made that whole time only to be immediately cut off would be way more negative an impact to that person.

 

[subzzzero]

So I came back to this again. Would it. be easier for the person who doesn’t wish to divulge or discuss their anatomy for them to just put that on their profile, ad, or lead off with it in convo as hard/soft limits?

This would make both sides aware. Without disrespect, risking further dysphoria, and allow a fairly early decision in the matter.

Example:
I’m seeking a sub etc etc etc. I do not share details about my anatomy.

Or hi potential candidate who has reached out to me. I enjoy the following. My hard limits are no illegal no scat no dicussing my anatomy.

I guess the way I’m seeing it. Is if someone is so adversely affected by it then the best way to communicate that in the kink world is put it on your limits. That’s in all actuality what it is.
This would be like someone who had abuse history not wanting to discuss Cnc which might trigger their ptsd for example. They would put it in their limits.

 

[subdream]

I know this stance is considered transphobic by some of you. I was labeled as such plenty of times before for this. But for me emotionally there is a difference in how I feel about playing with afab and amab.

Nah, everybody got their turn ons and their turn offs. If you state in your profile that it's important to you which genitalia your play partner has, people who don't want to tell you should just stay the fuck away from you.

Everyone is entitled to their choices and what they want to share. But other side of coin people are also entitled to ask if they feel it’s relevant.

When someone chooses to omit items from a post or profile but is seeking interactions dynamics task with others. I think they would expect to be asked just as one would ask about hard limits likes dislikes toys avail etc.

And If in fact this causes an issue for the person then maybe they need to reassess their approach to how they seek out people.

Perhaps I was a bit preoccupied on this matter because I was recently contacted by somebody and the first sentence in their message was the question if I was afab or amab. This isn't a good conversation starter. That said I do understand when people say it's important to them which genitalia a play partner has.

I’m wondering if the OP complaint is based on people random cold messaging them, with the OP not giving any prior invite to those people to discuss or interact. Basically people being assholes asking someone who’s not shown any interest in being contacted.
@subdream is this the case this post was based on?
That one I would fully understand and support.

Ah well... I should have read your post further before starting to write an answer. You assumed right.

I personally don’t prefer someone with a penis. If I talked to someone through weeks of vetting who was presenting female and found out at the end of that vetting period they had a penis. I’m going to immediately end things.
So was this approach better or worse than me just asking in the first place? I feel the connection being made that whole time only to be immediately cut off would be way more negative an impact to that person.

I can understand where that comes from.

So I came back to this again. Would it. be easier for the person who doesn’t wish to divulge or discuss their anatomy for them to just put that on their profile, ad, or lead off with it in convo as hard/soft limits?

Profile should be the best option I guess. I made a suggestion to add it to the profile options.