Developing a friendship

[bp43221]

Hello Kinktalk community.

Looking for your advise in helping me make an informed decision on how to move forwards with this relationship.

I have a colleague who I also consider to be a good friend. We have known each other for approximately 4 years and that friendship has only grown throughout the recent lockdowns. We are each others support bubble and over the last few months have spoken daily and have spent an increasing amount of time with each other. We have also been open in our conversations discussing everything from family, to life plans and in recent months have discovered we both have an interest in the kink community, discussing our likes, interests and previous experiences.

I value the friendship we have and the level of trust which we have built up. She has entrusted me with facts of her past which few people know and when she is engaging in activities with her sugar daddies she has chosen me as the person to share those details with to the extent of sharing her feelings, any concerns and ensuring her safety when she goes to meet up with new people in person. Equally I feel I can entrust her with any personal information and indeed my life.

She is a strong, independent young woman and naturally holds a submissive role. This comes through in all areas, whether that be a desire to follow instructions from her line managers in the office, have others guide her in life choices and in the bedroom. Sexually, she sees her role as to please the fantasies of others with her pleasure coming purely from their actions rather than her own stimulus. We also both share many of the same kinks.

While not acknowledged as such, I see my role as having developed into a caregiver dynamic. Regularly checking in to make sure she is looking after herself, eating and drinking sufficiently, taking time to dedicate to mental and physical health and assisting in planning for long term independence and financial security. I also like to spoil her but conscious not to go too far as she wants to be financially independent and gives jut as much as she takes.

She views me as her best friend and has told me that she hopes we be friends forever, but does not wish to develop our friendship into a romantic relationship. I on the other hand would like to take our friendship further and one day could envision me proposing marriage to this girl. However, I equally value what we already have too greatly to take any action which may damage the trust and friendship we already have.

Equally while we have had open conversations about sex and kink, this is not something we practice between ourselves. I would like to become her dominant, developing that caregiver role to more aspects of her life, while also engaging in sexual play but uncertain whether this is what she wants. I’m uncertain on the best way to raise this topic with her without risking her becoming uncomfortable.

I come to the kinktalk community for guidance on where I go from here. I have made my feelings for her clear and have said I am happy with us simply being friends and should it develop, I want it to develop organically. I’m happy to answer any questions you have to help provide advise on the best way to develop this relationship.

 

[Merlin]

She views me as her best friend and has told me that she hopes we be friends forever, but does not wish to develop our friendship into a romantic relationship

If i understand that correctly you talked with her about it before, why do you think her view on the subject has changed?

The question you need to answer to yourself is if you are fine with how it is at the moment with you looking after her and paying money for her and getting what she is giving you? You sound like you are not, but only you can answer that.

 

[bp43221]

Hi Merlin,

I am happy with our friendship and the comfort we can provide each other in the time we spend together and knowing we are there for each other but over time I would like this to develop. I would like us to begin engaging in kink together with a view of organically developing a long term D/s relationship in which I can support the submissive needs of her life while we both take pleasure from these additional activities.

We have spoken about kink but as a topic. We have not previously explored the idea of us engaging in kink related activities together. Equally we have not discussed our dynamic or the dynamic which could be developed between us. I previously mentioned the idea of me being her caregiver. This has developed organically and would be fair to say we haven’t officially recognised this as such. This is someghing I would like to be recognised between us with a mutual understanding of how it affects the friendship.

i support her in her life choices. She is trying to be financially independent and while I like to buy her the occasional gifts or treat her to dinner she very much wants finances to be two way. Where there are larger purchases I’ve made for her, she views these more as loans to tie her over as finances naturally become tighter at the beginning of the year.

 

[Merlin]

Hi Merlin,

I am happy with our friendship and the comfort we can provide each other in the time we spend together and knowing we are there for each other but over time I would like this to develop. I would like us to begin engaging in kink together with a view of organically developing a long term D/s relationship in which I can support the submissive needs of her life while we both take pleasure from these additional activities.

My thought to that is, as long a you did not both talk and agreed that this is a long term goal you should really be fine with accepting it never to happen.
Without knowing it is simply wishfull thinking from your side. She may want it too, she may want it in the future or she simply is fine with how things are with you as her good friend and not having any sexual interest in you.

You write you think about having a relationship and even marriage, while at the same time admitting to not even gotten over the first step, seeing if she finds you interesting.
Mayb start by being honest with yourself and think about what is real and what is an idea in your mind.
Is she searching you out at any point for example, beside of needing somethingfrom you?
And i dont mean that there is no chance that it might work but that from what you said so far there is simply no point i can see where she seams to show interest in anything going further.

So if you want this to go further a conversation is simply the only solution (after the reality check!), i am aware that can backfire but so can her finding someone else tomorrow, in the end if you two cant talk with eachother going into a D/s relationship is not optimal to begin with.

Maybe start by asking if there is even any interest on her side to maybe go further, the most basic point to even start thinking about if it is something worth trying.
If the answer is "no" or "not at the moment" (polite no) or anything along those lines then you simply have to ask yourself if you are fine with what you two have now and never going further or not.
Only if the answer is a "yes, i would be interested" there would be any merits to your ideas. And only at that point there is a reason to see where to go with it, be it organic and slow or not

 

[SweetCuriosity]

Hi there!

I have to agree with Merlin, if she has already stated to you that she wishes for you both to remain friends and not evolve into something romantic, then the best you can do is respect those wishes. I understand how you might feel otherwise, but at the end of the day, we can't force anybody against their will. Focus on the fact that you have somebody like her in your life, and cherish what you both share together enjoying each others company platonically.

Take care,

Sweet.