Disappointing first experience

[Curvy_sub]

I’m a sub, very new to the lifestyle and I recently registered on a kink website to look for a Dom who would introduce me to the world of D/s and who’d give me some real experience. I got my share of messages from fakes, people who’d ask for nudes etc…One Dom stood out though. He introduced himself, said that he had 10+ years in the community and offered to answer any questions I had about the lifestyle, with no pressure to meet, or send him anything. And he said that he has a (vanilla) gf, who knew of and accepted his involvement in the lifestyle. Anyhow, I thought that it wouldn’t hurt to get more info from someone with good experience.

The more we spoke, the more I liked him, how articulate he was, how he caring/reassuring he came across etc…So after a couple weeks of messaging back and forth, several times a day, we decided we’d give it a try and meet for real. Our first meeting (where nothing happened) went well, despite me being very nervous. He tried to calm me down, and reassure me. We went over my limits, and my likes/dislikes…And decided we’d meet a week or so later for our first session. We kept corresponding several times a day until then. He’d tell me that he was thinking about me and that he couldn’t wait till our first session, where he’d finally make me his etc…

The day we agreed on came around and I joined him at the hotel room he booked for us. I was again quite nervous (my first time) but I calmed down after a few minutes. We started the session, with him making me discover new things… he didn’t explain anything though, he’d only ask me to put myself in a specific position…I didn’t find it that odd, since he isn’t very talkative in nature, so I kinda brushed it off.

However, the more the session progressed, the more detached he became. He didn’t say anything, didn’t sustain eye contact and didn’t show if he was enjoying it or not…We finished the session with intercourse, and he went straight to sleep (after stroking my hair for 10 seconds). When he woke up, he didn’t say a word, I asked if he was ok, he said: ”yeah yeah!’. Then we got dressed and left.

Next day, no news from him (he used to send me g-morning and g-night text every day). I sent him a good morning text, but got no answer. I waited a few hours and sent another, saying that since I didn’t hear from him, I assumed something went wrong with our play session. He answered, saying that it didn’t have anything to do with it, and that he was just exhausted and swamped with work.

I spent that next day being absolutely miserable. I had no energy, was depressed and cried for a good portion of the evening…

Next morning, he sent me a good morning text, to which I replied. Then after no news from him for practically a day, I sent him another email where I basically asked him to tell me if I did anything wrong, so I’d correct it, or to tell me clearly if he changed his mind about keeping me as a sub, in which case I would totally understand and move on…I’ve had no reply and no news since then…

Now, from what I’ve read so far, communication is a very important component of a D/s relationship. But there was NO communication after our session, no feedback, no talking about how it went, how we felt…

I had told him upfront that since I was new I was VERY cautious and wary of meeting people from the community. But he reassured me on every aspect, and I chose to trust him. And now I just feel used and manipulated.

Is this normal, and I’m just making up things in my head? Or should it have gone differently?

 

[df6wen]

Yes you were manipulated. As someone experienced in the community, most of us with good intentions will encourage you to meet us at a munch, a gathering of kinky people at a restaurant or coffee shop. He would have introduced you around and made you feel comfortable.

Your miserable feeling is what is called sub drop. A responsible dominant would have given aftercare and made a check on you later to ensure everything was okay.

 

[Master Vagrant]

Sadly yes, you were manipulated. Lots of Doms/Masters are smooth talkers, which goes with "job description", and they will lead you exactly where they want you to be. Plus from your post i see you was attached to him more than you should be in that short period of time.
From my personal opinion couple weeks plus one week after isn't enough time to know someone enough to trust him and give him power over you. I just hope that you didn't decide to leave this lifestyle, cause of one bad experience. Yes i know, in most cases first bad experience can do that to a girl, she build a huge wall around herself and every other male who try to approach to you look bad in your eyes.
Learn from this and move forward with your chin up, there is someone for you, who will treat you how you deserve.

 

[HarmlessBeast]

I am a switch, and a recovering sex addict who had (and still has) very big fears of being intimate. I was married to a Domme, but because I had issues with the emotional aspect of BDSM, i would cheat with her online just to find people who would use me without the emotional aspects.

I have been sober for over 2 years and am now engaged to a woman who allows me to be both emotionally and physically present.

It sounds like you found a "Dom" who may have understood the physical aspects of BDSM but had no clue when it came to the emotional side.

I am not sure if he tried to "Manipulate" you, or if he just didn't understand both sides of BDSM, but I can understand how you would feel that way. My advice is to focus on the emotional side, and hopefully you will find the right person who is looking for both the physical and emotional connection that can be experienced in a mutually beneficial BDSM relationship.

 

[Master Vagrant]

One thing is when Dom/Master don't know how to mentally stimulate/use his girl, he still stay and talk with his girl. But this one disappeared after that first meeting. That way she think she is manipulated, used, she is sad cause she trusted him and he used her trust. That hurts her most.
Not all Doms/Masters are bad. Maybe we have different kinks and ways to achieve them, but respecting girl and communication is a must in good and long relationship, not just before first meeting, always.

 

[HarmlessBeast]

Agreed. I am a bisexual switch, and unfortunately, I find male "Doms" to be the most likely category to be likely to end after one time without any reason or notice. I find females are more likely to tell you that all they want is a one timer if that is what they are looking for. Guys, both sub and dom, seem to be more likely to act like they want the emotional connection but then go radio silent after getting what they want. And of those, I think the Dom is the one who tends to go silent most often. Maybe it is because guys seem to think one night stands are the only way to get what they want. I really have no idea.

But I agree that if people are honest about what they are feeling, even if that feeling is that they are not compatible, then both parties could move on without feeling manipulated.

 

[Curvy_sub]

Sadly yes, you were manipulated. Lots of Doms/Masters are smooth talkers, which goes with "job description", and they will lead you exactly where they want you to be. Plus from your post i see you was attached to him more than you should be in that short period of time.
From my personal opinion couple weeks plus one week after isn't enough time to know someone enough to trust him and give him power over you. I just hope that you didn't decide to leave this lifestyle, cause of one bad experience. Yes i know, in most cases first bad experience can do that to a girl, she build a huge wall around herself and every other male who try to approach to you look bad in your eyes.
Learn from this and move forward with your chin up, there is someone for you, who will treat you how you deserve.

Well it did hurt a lot and I even considered leaving the website we met on and the lifestyle altogether. But then I realized that I wasn't at fault, actually my only mistake was to trust him and give in way too early. Now I learned my lesson and will be more careful in the future... As they say, "once bitten, twice shy"

 

[Curvy_sub]

Agreed. I am a bisexual switch, and unfortunately, I find male "Doms" to be the most likely category to be likely to end after one time without any reason or notice. I find females are more likely to tell you that all they want is a one timer if that is what they are looking for. Guys, both sub and dom, seem to be more likely to act like they want the emotional connection but then go radio silent after getting what they want. And of those, I think the Dom is the one who tends to go silent most often. Maybe it is because guys seem to think one night stands are the only way to get what they want. I really have no idea.

But I agree that if people are honest about what they are feeling, even if that feeling is that they are not compatible, then both parties could move on without feeling manipulated.

Yes! Honesty, that was exactly the problem. I did NOT expect a love relationship, since I knew he was already in a vanilla one. But I expected at least an emotional connection, and to be cared for.

Plus, if he were honest and told me upfront that he only wanted a one time thing or a-once-in-a-while D/s dynamic, I might have given it a try.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Can't say you did a lot wrong there, you were cautious and took the right steps albeit a bit fast, unfortunately just like the vanilla world though there are asshole guys in the kink world. Someone mentioned in a previous post attending some munches and I would agree that is a great idea as you will get to meet other subs as well as Doms and get to feel your way around a bit before jumping in again. But please do persist, you will find there are many who will appreciate you as a sub and treat you much better.

 

[selina_kyle]

Besides his detachment during the session he did not provide one of the biggest aspects of the D/s relationship. After care. aftercare whether or not you hit sub space is one major thing. You body after play feels exhausted from all the hormones and adrenaline the body produces but also can lead to a day or weeks of a submissive feeling sad or depressed.
What an ass :/ I'm sorry your first experience went like this curvy. Unfortunately like in the vanilla world, dominants (the ones who do not deserve that title) can be too.
Let's look at the positive side of this and know that next time you'll meet a few more times with the next person you consider to be your dom.

Lots of hugs curvy

 

[silverdarknight]

Not all guys are ass hats.

Although it would seem that this sort of relationship does seem to attract it's unfair share I'm afraid.

Tea?

 

[Curvy_sub]

It's a lesson learned for the next time. I will for sure take my sweet time before giving in again
Thank you ALL for your support and advice. I feel much better today!!

p.s: yes to the hugs, yes to tea

 

[HarmlessBeast]

Just thought of something as I re-read this thread.

If this had happened in the vanilla world would your reaction have been different?

My guess is "yes and no". You would have felt manipulated and used, and that he had lied to you. That's the "yes". But the "no" part is what makes BDSM more desirable to many of us. The trust needed for a vanilla one night stand is no where near the same as the trust needed to give yourself to someone the way you need to for a BDSM scene. So that trust allowed you to totally relax and give yourself to the sensations and the experience. Unfortunately this "Dom" has probably made it harder for you to give yourself to the next person who represents himself as a Dom. But when you find the right man, he should be able to work through it with you and help you experience something that is much more intense and satisfying than vanilla sex.

The difference between BDSM and vanilla sex is mainly in the intensity of the emotions. Both vanilla and BDSM relationships are intimate and personal, but because of the power exchange dynamic found in BDSM, that intimacy is more intense and affects you on a deeper level for most people.

So if the feelings you have after this encounter are more intense than if this was a vanilla setting, then you at least saw a glimpse of how strong the positive emotions can be when you find a Dom who actually does put in the same emotional investment.

 

[Curvy_sub]

Just thought of something as I re-read this thread.

If this had happened in the vanilla world would your reaction have been different?

My guess is "yes and no". You would have felt manipulated and used, and that he had lied to you. That's the "yes". But the "no" part is what makes BDSM more desirable to many of us. The trust needed for a vanilla one night stand is no where near the same as the trust needed to give yourself to someone the way you need to for a BDSM scene. So that trust allowed you to totally relax and give yourself to the sensations and the experience. Unfortunately this "Dom" has probably made it harder for you to give yourself to the next person who represents himself as a Dom. But when you find the right man, he should be able to work through it with you and help you experience something that is much more intense and satisfying than vanilla sex.

The difference between BDSM and vanilla sex is mainly in the intensity of the emotions. Both vanilla and BDSM relationships are intimate and personal, but because of the power exchange dynamic found in BDSM, that intimacy is more intense and affects you on a deeper level for most people.

So if the feelings you have after this encounter are more intense than if this was a vanilla setting, then you at least saw a glimpse of how strong the positive emotions can be when you find a Dom who actually does put in the same emotional investment.

Well, if this had been just a NSA one night stand, it wouldn't have mattered in the least bit. But had this been a vanilla relationship where the guy hinted at something a bit more durable it would have stung a bit of course. Nobody like being tricked and used.
But you're right and it's true that this experience hurt more than a vanilla one because I did get a glimpse of the highs a BDSM relationship can provide (and I'm actually thankful to him for that) which made the low even worse. Plus, after that, I felt like I was being clingy/desperate, when I was only looking for answers, or at least a reaction on his part.

 

[LanaTownsend]

I'd try to find a single Dom to play with next time. Attached/married Doms are usually not equipped to provide the emotional support a sub needs after a session. They already have someone they're emotionally tied to (i.e. their PRIMARY partner) so even though he claimed his gf was aware, he was not going to provide the emotional after-care you needed - which is a MAJOR requirement.