I experienced the most brutal Dom drop of my life this week and I'm concerned that I may have acted irresponsibly. The guilt is killing me. I like to think that care is always my primary focus, but this week I hurried play with a nube sub who I let gag several times in a short period. He was restrained and blindfolded. His gag reflex was unusually strong and each time it triggered I stopped to kiss him and engage him verbally with the scene's narrative so I could be sure that he was willfully compliant, but then I allowed him to gag again, and again. Probably five times in all, I was in his head no more than 30 seconds at a time and I was explaining to him what he could do to negate the reflex. I thought I was being fairly gentle with him but he asked me to stop which of course I did. This was the first time it dawned on me just how stressed he was and I feel bad for not picking up on it sooner. His immediate need was to have the blindfold removed. He said he wanted to leave. I assured him that he could but at the same time I was thinking I couldn't let him leave in that state. I stood him up to give him some sense of agency and hugged him at which point his posture measurably relaxed. I pretended to be having trouble untying him to give me time to try and talk him down, but it hardly qualified as aftercare. He wanted to leave so I had to let him. I know the gag reflex is very powerful and I feel dreadful that I let someone suffer any degree of psychological trauma. Genuinely I think he left thinking I was a psychopath who had been trying to kill him. I've been beating myself up ever since. I can only imagine when I was checking in with him between gags he was thinking to himself he could tough it out. We had had vanilla sex a few times before this and he had begged to be "dominated" and "used and abused"; he'd also asked to participate in some "extreme kink". These comments obviously informed me that he was clueless which was why I had chosen to do a very gentle scene, more to give him the sense of having been there than anything else. I should have clocked his stress level sooner but the entire act was only five minutes long. I tried to contact him the next day to check he was okay but he has blocked me across all channels. Am I beating myself up deservedly or should I give myself a break? My better angel is really pissed at me but the other shoulder says he was a pussy and I should move on guilt free. What do you think? Cheers T.
There will always be the could have should haves in every situation. In my opinion if there was a discussion about the scene ahead of time, safe words in place, and your partner chose not to use them then that is on them. It takes time to get to know a person and be able to really gauge stress levels. It sounds like each time you stopped and talked to them so there was an opportunity to stop play but they chose to go on. I don't think you should best yourself up too badly on this one. Sure you could have gone easier but at the same time they could have asked you to go easier just as easily.
One thing you should always have in mind , especially with a new person, is the fantasy is not reality and while something feels great in your head it may not so really doing it.
This means in general you want to really go slow with new things, and talk about it after every little step.
Does that mean i think it was just your fault? No, you both went into it from 0 to 100 there, so in that regard it was a bit both of your fault... but at the same time things like that happen.
One of the reason why talking after is so important and checking if all went fine. But he ran before that could happen if i understand you right.
You did check in on him and that was the right thing to do but in the moment reactions can be very unreliable combined with maybe the fear to disappoint if they say anything.
Should you feel guilty? Yes, a bit, guilt is a feeling that shows us tat we may need to look into things, feeling guilt is useful, like all other feelings
Does that mean you are a bad person or bad dom? No, these are situations to learn from, to go slow the next time, to check in after and outside of play and introduce new things step by step, especially if they require any form of mental or physical endurance.
This means in general you want to really go slow with new things, and talk about it after every little step.
Does that mean i think it was just your fault? No, you both went into it from 0 to 100 there, so in that regard it was a bit both of your fault... but at the same time things like that happen.
One of the reason why talking after is so important and checking if all went fine. But he ran before that could happen if i understand you right.
You did check in on him and that was the right thing to do but in the moment reactions can be very unreliable combined with maybe the fear to disappoint if they say anything.
Should you feel guilty? Yes, a bit, guilt is a feeling that shows us tat we may need to look into things, feeling guilt is useful, like all other feelings
Does that mean you are a bad person or bad dom? No, these are situations to learn from, to go slow the next time, to check in after and outside of play and introduce new things step by step, especially if they require any form of mental or physical endurance.
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