Husband Total Power Exchange and like unexpected rough sex, some kind of like to be forceful, consensual non-consensual, help me figure it out.

[happilymarried]

Hello, I born in Shanghai, China. I'm not American/westerners, I speak 3 languages and 4 dialects, English is the last language I learn so forgive me. And I know my post below is long, but I have alot to unpack, and there alot of things I'm trying to understand too, as I'm new to this whole BDSM. Please just exit the post if my post is too long or in any way bothering you. We married 11 years already, we not young nor newlyweds at all.

First of all I want to say I'm thankful for this forum and the BDSM community. I never feel that me and my husband we belong in the norm sexually. The 'normal' sex life people said my husband is too dominant in bed and I'm too submissive, but I'm sorry we are two grown as-s adult, and we don't have kids (I never wanted kids), and if us two adults want to stay married and enjoy our style of sex, we not hurting anyone, we are monogamous and there nobody in our bedroom but us.

I'm trying to understand my husband when it comes to his kink, I even turn to the pseudoscience astrology, I blame it on the three Scorpio planets he has in his birth chart, and his Scorpio Mars Square his Venus exactly, but come on, that is silly, pseudoscience astrology can't solve this.

He is the most selfless man in bed, he does 100% of the work in bed, he gives gives and gives, and want nothing back other than I submit to him completely, surrender to him, and I orgasms. Yes, I do enjoy the sex with him, to the point I get multiple vaginal orgasms from his penis. So No, we not have a sex life problem. What I'm trying to figure out his what kink he has, he sure has a kink, I just don't know if it BDSM related. Regardless whatever kink he has, in every fiber of my being I'm consensually and willingly to explore his kink with him, he is my husband.

He has this insanely dominant where he does 100% of the work in bed, and want me to submit to him and let him dominate me completely. His actions in bed show this throughout our long marriage, and he blatantly vocal about it too to let me know. His exact words, he said he has a penis, so let him do the fuck-ing . I mean it blatantly here he wants to be the dominant one. He said he wants to be the one that do the fuck-ing, so let him.

My desire is fulfill, I want to submit to him and I get pleasure out of submit to him, without him I wouldn't be able to experience vaginal orgasms, I need him, I want him. I don't even know how to live without him. As a woman sexually I don't have any other desire beside get vaginal orgasms out of his penis, and I'm being dead honest here.

I don't know how to explain but I NEED him, the insane pleasure multiple vaginal orgasms he gives me. I don't even know where I'm at anymore during sex with him, because all I could concentrate on was how good it feels down there. The ceiling can fall on top of me and I still wouldn't know, because all I can concentrate on was the vaginal orgasms he gives me.

We very traditional, the PinV intercourse between a man and a woman, he never into anal and clearly express he never want anal, he wants my vagina, well, at least he honest. Never anal, never toys or tied up or dungeon, it simply just our bodies, he Vanilla to the point he never spank me. BUT

BUT he has a kink, Total Power Exchange and 'unexpected rough sex', some kind of kink of forceful in sex, consensual non-consensual, or even primal, but it something.

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Examples of the 'unexpected rough sex' of his, and perhaps he has some kink of like to be forceful in sex, I know for sure he match the definition of Total Power Exchange.

---- Many times he just stare and stare at me, I know he still desire me, and I don't know if he has a high sex drive, but he suddenly just push me down the bed and proceed to have sex with me, it wasn't violent, it just he MUST 'dominate' me completely. It this dominating thing he has, like some sort of kink that he has to dominate me.

He uses his strength to pin me down, with one hand pin and hold my wrist down hard, and the other hand pin down my shoulder. Yeah, then you know what happened.

Proceed to after he pin me down in bed, it the missionary style sex with him on top. The penis in vagina sex, he back to his Vanilla ways, just like the usual him that he always been, he kisses me ALOT during sex while thrusting down there at the same time. I admit, I even got multiple vaginal orgasms from it, so I'm not fighting or resist. It just he has to be the 100% "dominant" one.

---- Another example, he likes to be forceful in sex, something along that line, because the more I struggle the more rough he gets. Like an example one time I managed to get off the bed and he must have me at all cost, and this drag to the carpet floor (we have carpet in our bedroom), and he still must have me, so it ended up with he had sex with me right there while I lay on the carpet floor.

But Never once he hit me, he just use his strength and body to pin me down, and never once he has anal with me, it always the 100% the penis in vagina sex between a man and a woman. So No, he not violent, it like he has to be the one that does 100% of the work and dominate the hell out of me.

Tbh I need him and love him so so much that I'm willing to do anything, if this is some kink he has (or maybe he just solely want to dominate me?), neither way I'm willing to fulfill his kink.

Last time I sit on the bed and I told him I don't know what he wants but I'm willingly to do anything he wants, and that he can do anything to me, and I just give him the sweetest smile, and I guess that enough to turn him on because he just push me down and bed, and yeah.

Maybe he into Consensual-Non consensual stuff, I mean it possible based on how dominant he is in bed/in sex. He has to have some kink if he this dominant right?

I'm grateful that he gives me multiple vaginal orgasms, I'm grateful that he is an awesome husband to me in the past 11 years of our marriage, he secure me everything from financially (he the 100% breadwinner, I'm the housewife) to emotionally to sexually, I want to do something back for him.

What kink does he has based on that? I really think he belongs in the BDSM community, clearly he is not the 'norm' sex men out there. And I want to started this weekend on this BDSM journey, I do want to please him, because I don't know where my life would be without him, or even know what multiple vaginal orgasms is without him.

Thank you very much for your help, and I'm very grateful for the forum and the BDSM community.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Hello and welcome to you!
Thank you for trusting us with your question and the wonderful description, for someone who counts English as their 4th language you have done a great job.

First off, what you describe is most definitely not TPE. Total Power Exchange is in essence a complete lifestyle of the dominant submissive dynamic spreading to all aspects of your life not just in the bedroom.

It sounds to me like you and your husband have a great relationship and understand each other really well, in that regard I'd say don't worry about labels too much, if it works for you then just enjoy it.
That said in purely technical terms I'd classify this is as primal rough fucking, where he really enjoys the controlling position of using you as his sex object. At the same time he seems to be very cognizant of you and your needs and pays special attention to making sure you are fully satisfied.
This is a common thing among good dominants, ensuring the needs of the sub are paramount.

I'm not sure what else to add except to say I suspect many women would be envious of your relationship!

 

[happilymarried]

Thank you Sir. And thank you for the wonderful forum Sir.

They said look at how a man treat you outside of bed and you know if he loves you, and his actions (outside of bed) throughout our 11 years married, I know he loves me.

Some examples, and these not related to sex at all.

--He the 100% breadwinner, and throughout our 11 years never once I have to touch laundry a day. He always does laundry in this house, he handwash my dirty underwear with menstrual blood and vaginal discharge on it. No kink, it just handwash it more clean, and afterward he put my underwear with our clothes to wash and dry together.

--Throughout our marriage he literally kisses my butt cheek (not related to sex at all, just his ways of show affection). Everytime he see me lay on my back, he will he gently slide down my underwear/pants and kiss my butt cheek, a gentle kiss, he must use his lips and his lips has to touch my butt skin. No, never once he slap or grope my butt, however he must use his mouth and lips to kiss my butt.

--Throughout marriage, we always shower together whenever we can (his insists, for the emotional connection) has nothing to do with sex. In the shower he kneels down on his knee and cleans and rubs my feet. And he kiss my belly, well since he was kneeling on his knee clean my feet anyways, so why not kiss my belly, it right there lol. I laughed when I typed this but when in the shower, I just look at him and deep down inside I actually was very touch.

I know he loves me, as all these has nothing to do with sex.

BUT, he has this passion aggression in him, like unexpectedly he wants sex, maybe he has high sex drive and he still desire me.

But one example, his pillow talk is different, while I lay in bed watch TV he come over and he will lay on top of me, like have his whole body on top of me and he touch my face and he keep stare at me and talk to me, while on top of me and touch my face at the same time. Most of the time it just end like that when he done with his pillow talk, but sometimes something come over him and he just pin me down and have sex with me, and he will dominate me at all cost. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy sex with him, it just it unexpected you know.

He not hurt me or anything other than he pin me down and proceed on sex, but his sex is Vanilla, ok he can get rough thrusting when he in the mood, but not all the time, he gets gentle with me too, so hard gentle alternate.
But NEVER anal or spank or hit me in any shape or form, you get me? And he kisses me alot during intercourse too. I know he loves me. Maybe he just the type that must be "dominant" in bed in order to be happy.

Thank you Sir for your explanation and input, I will look up 'primal rough fucking' and learn, I do want to please him, he does so much for me, he the best thing that ever happen in my sorry life.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

This is a good write up on primal sex, it's a very wide genre and so encompasses many things you don't do.

What Is Primal Sex Play?

Just one more flavor of kink that often goes misunderstood.

medium.com

At it's core is a deep trust and respect for each other, he is free to be him primal, dominant self while you are your giving and submissive to his needs. It 's really just embracing an almost wordless synergy that allows you to be your true selves.

 

[happilymarried]

@Dr Optokon

Sorry Sir, just want to say I call everyone Sir and Miss because before married I work at Macys clothing department and I'm just used to address customers that come to Macys and buy clothes as Sir and Miss. So sorry for that, not imply any BDSM here in the word Sir and Miss.

I think I figure out what going on with me and my husband, I think I'm the 'free use' submissive to only my dominant husband, and I'm the one have kink (and he just a regular man who dominant in bed) and I project the BDSM on him. Let me explain:

Background, we meet when we were 25 (we both 38 now), so we been together long time, I was a virgin when meet him at the age of 25 back then, so everything about love, sex is he taught me. Naturally I just submit to him because I don't know anything about sex, it all the taught me.
Also, 6 years into marriage I did get pregnant and carry to term and gave birth, but our child died at 1.5 years old, so maybe it depression I have too. Not blame this on the reason why I have my kink.

Anyhoo, let get to the problem.

I don't mind my husband totally dominate me, as I did say I get multiple vaginal orgasms out of sex with him and his dominant. Perhaps that it his sex style dominate me like this so over time I get so used to it and I developed this 'free use' kink of mine below:

I will explain it. Like just last time, I sit on the bed wear his long sleeve white dress shirt and underwear (as I know he get turn on when I wear his dress shirt),
AND I tied my own wrists with a blindfold cloth, not rope, it cloth, I use a blind fold cloth and I tied my own wrists, and I specificly said to him that he can do whatvever he wants to me, I'm willingly to submiss to him.

ok, he did NOT tied me, it me that tied my own wrists here, hell I even think of handcuff myself too. I must have a kink here.

Him? No. He was the one that untied my wrists and told me that I don't have to do this to get my point across that I want to submit to him. I mean he right, we married 11 years and he is the only man I ever had sex with, he KNOWS I submit to him.

So what is going on here Sir Moderator? Do I have like some "free use" Sub kink where I submiss to my husband and allow him to do whatever he wants to do with me?

 

[Doctor Pervert]

So what is going on here Sir Moderator? Do I have like some "free use" Sub kink where I submiss to my husband and allow him to do whatever he wants to do with me?

I suppose that's part of it. It seems you are most certainly submissive and happy to be so, which is to say you enjoy that role. It also seems you are keen to extend that role with your rope binding trial, if he isn't comfortable with that perhaps you could look at other things that help you feel more submissive such as wearing a collar?

Honestly my feeling is that you are both more in the primal sex category, he is the "hunter" and you are his "prey". In this dynamic it is almost literally like this, he takes you when he wants you and you are powerless to resist him.

 

[happilymarried]

@Dr Optokon

Thank you so much. Sorry, I have another question.

As a Dom yourself and a man to a man, maybe you can understand my husband more.

I finally get my husband to get that long test from BDSMtest . org https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode
He took it and I look at the result on his tablet at the end. And his result is very strange, I will paste you the result, seem like I married a very simple man, because his result is very PLAIN and simple.

Results Summary (taken 2023-04-28)

100% Dominant

100% Vanilla

79% Master

73% Primal (Hunter)

54% Owner

And the rest is 0% so there nothing to paste, all 0% of the rest of the list.

All his results are all 0% excepts Dominant, Vanilla, Master, Prima Hunter and Owner. I must married a very simple husband. I don't know if he can help me fulfill my BDSM kink.

A Dom in BDSM sure can't be this simple?

My husband is so Scorpio, lol, based on the result you can tell he answered the question to the VERY EXTREME, it all or nothing to him, he does not swing in the middle, this is a very Scorpio traits result, all or nothing, rather I have you to myself or I don't want anybody else, very black and white and intense thinking man. He like that in bed and outside of bed too, he just intense and extreme, lol. I not sure if he can play the Dom role.

If he was Dom, this is like the most plain Dom ever, I not sure if this result of his is even qualify to join the BDSM community let alone a kinky man.

But at least he get the 100% Dominant in the test, and Master, Primal Hunter, Owner those additional to Dominant are basically dominant roles right Sir Moderator?

At least from this test result one conclusion can conclude is he Dominant for sure.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

I think your assessment is correct, it is also totally valid for that to be the case. He has very basic likes and he knows his role, performing it well. This is certainly considered a kink, especially the primal hunter component as that is quite well defined and understood. It's also most certainly not part of a traditional relationship, being so dominant and forceful would be seen by many to be quite extreme.

I think now I understand why you are investing so much time and effort into trying to understand your husband and the nature of your relationship, when you said, "I don't know if he can help me fulfill my BDSM kink."
I apologize if I missed this in earlier posts from you but honestly this now makes much more sense to me.

I would agree with your summary, your husband is most certainly dominant and you are most certainly submissive. However you obviously want and perhaps need there to be more than your husband is currently giving you with regards to kink and specifically BDSM.
Now he seems to be making it very clear he doesn't want you to be doing anything more for him, he discounted you binding yourself and doesn't seem to want anything like that in your relationship.
It is highly unlikely you will change his mind in this, as you noted he has very simple, straightforward tastes and in my experience this is unlikely to change. People who enjoy kinky/BDSM play tend to be drawn to it, it's something that fulfills a need in them. But you can no more make someone kinky that you can make them gay if they are straight. It's like a fundamental shift in make up. Now while he is dominant and engages in primal type sex with you he shows no interest in anything outside of this.

Now if we accept that the question remains, what about you, what do you need? Have you done the BDSM test yourself, do you know what it is you are looking for? Once you establish what you need it's then a case of finding ways to build that into your life in a way that will satisfy you while not offending your husband. Is this where your quest is heading?

 

[happilymarried]

Thank you so much for help a foreigner girl like me. I haven't take the test, my English is not good and that test is longgg and have so much English.
His English is better, he has a University Master degree in Chemical Engineering.

What I like about the result of his test is he sure is very monogamous, when he was answered the question, he said he doesn't understand why some of the questions asked him that his wife can have another sexual partner or that he wants another sexual partner other than his wife. It just a foreign concept to him, so he very Vanilla.

And it shows in the result too, as he score 0% of any of those questions. All his results are all 0% except Dominant, Vanilla, Master, Prima Hunter and Owner. Seem like he not have any other kinks like polygamy, voyeur, etc.. (absolutely nothing wrong with that, it just something I personally wouldn't be ok with as a wife).

I'm monogamous too myself as we are long term married and No, I would not be happy if there a third party so at least this part we sure match perfectly.

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Can I say about my kink? I guess I'm used to him pin me down because I actually enjoy it so much, that I crave it more.!

Why he pin me down, because he hates it when I struggle, the more I struggle the more he will pin me down which I love. BUT the thing is once I stop struggle he no longer use his strength to pin me, he hates it when I struggle as he wants me to submit completely to him. I love it him pin me down, BUT I want him to pin me down the whole sex session. Not just pin me when I struggle.

And he likes sexual positions where you he can completely dominate you, and if you struggle you can tell he not like it and he will use his strength to pin you down and has his ways with you, until you stop struggle and completely surrender to him. Then it become a making love session, as he no longer restraint me.

BUT my kink is I want him to continue to pin me down even when I stop struggle, you understand my kink?

I guess what I can do is continue to resist him and he will just continue to pin me and have me at all cost, then I can get my kink fulfill, BUT I just worry he be mad you know that I'm his wife but keep resist him.

I know he hate it when I struggle that why he use his force on me, I can pretend to keep struggle so he can keep pin me down the whole sex session and I will get my kink fulfill, but then that is passive aggressive as hell from me.

 

[happilymarried]

My kinks is very simple Sir Moderator, I will write out my kinks. But I don't know if a man with a test result like that would fulfill my kink though.

I love him dominate me 100%, this I got it from him, he always been like that and it show in his test score too 100% Dominant, so I'm completely happy with that.
My kink
is I like to be restraint, like rope bunny (but not rope) I like cloth, any type of cloth, cotton cloth from clothes even, I don't like ropes.
I would like him to tie my wrists to be bed so I can feel restrain.

And another kink of mine is he pin me down the whole sex session so I can feel restrain. Not the if I stop struggling then it become a love making session, you get me? I want to feel force, feel restraint.
Yes, I know he loves me and sex with me is love making emotionally too and not just physically, but I want to feel restraint by him.

And that it, that all my kinks.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Ok, well this presents somewhat of a conundrum.

"I guess what I can do is continue to resist him and he will just continue to pin me and have me at all cost, then I can get my kink fulfill, BUT I just worry he be mad you know that I'm his wife but keep resist him." in BDSM circles this is known as "topping from the bottom". It's used to describe when a submissive steers the direction of play overriding the wishes of the Dominant.

The direct conflict comes down to your want to be restrained and struggle, while he wants you to submit coyly and relax. I'm not sure if there is a simple resolution to this, if you have talked to him and explained this and he won't budge you've already done all the obvious things.

The only thing that comes to mind is that you could attempt any new ideas occasionally, basically play it his way most of the time but try out something different now and again. Perhaps eventually you will find something you enjoy that he also likes.

One possibility that I can think of is to find some kind of very cheap clothing, light linen or similar that you can wear when you know he wants to "take you". Perhaps he will like tearing your clothes off, and you can enjoy the feeling of the struggle and the some restraint effect from the torn clothes. I honestly don't know if this is even remotely on track for you, perhaps some of the other members can contribute something?

 

[happilymarried]

It very on track, I would love it if he rip my clothes off violently, which he never did, lol. Take my clothes off? Yes. But rip it off? No. He never tied my wrists neither.

Tbh I have not talk to him that I like him to tie my wrists, I have not even tell him that I like him to pin me down the whole time during sex. So I don't know what his responses would be.

The reason why I haven't tell him my kinks it because I just want to be himself and out of his desire for me have sex with me naturally the ways he wants to. I guess I just want him to be himself.

I however did ask him if he into BDSM stuff he said No. So I said how about take this test for me just for fun so I can see how "No" of a BDSM he is. So he took it, and the result I posted it above. I don't even think he is a BDSM man. He extreme yes, but BDSM kinks I not sure.

I sure do have kinks though, I like to feel restraint in every way I can.

Thank you Sir Moderator. You have help me alot. I guess kinks are just kinks and it should be keep personal for me to know only. There alot more to my marriage than just my personal kinks. Half of me say let it go, but half of me say maybe I should tell him and it up to him to decide if he can fulfill it or not.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

I'd suggest that since you've already spoken to him about his BDSM test that you could use that as a reason to discuss yours. Do the test and tell him how you really like feeling restrained. You can then ask if he would do that for you sometimes.
It seems like you have an excellent relationship and he expresses his love for you all the time. If he accepts what you say then you will be getting some of what you want but he will be deciding how and when it happens. If he rejects this then really nothing will be different to now. At least this way you will have tried and not be wondering about this for years to come.

Good luck.

 

[happilymarried]

Thank you Sir Moderator. I will talk to him this weekend, he works long hours, 70 hours a week! That is why I'm a housewife, because that the only way for us to have time together is me not work, and I enjoy stay home too to take care of my little nest.

My kinks is very light BDSM, I just want him to tie my wrist to the bed, and just pin me down and restraint me the whole sex session, that all I ask.

And you are absolutely correct when you said our sex dynamic is not like the "norm" out there. The norm is two people take turn pleasure each others, like switch right? But him? Nope. Switch is not an option in his sex life. He MUST be 100% dominant, and it show in his tests score too, it show his extreme mindset when he answer those questions, 100% Dominant result.

And he must be in sex positions where he can dominate me completely. And he only cums in missionary position too.

And he gets really mad when I struggle to the point he became an animal and use his strength to pin me down, until I stop struggle and obey him. This is NOT a "norm" sex man.
He so gentle with me outside of bed, but in bed he hates it when his woman not submit to him, he will put me into submission. I don't know how to explain it, it like I see the animal him if I dare to disobey him in bed.

I feel that it not just physical to him, but it a "mind" thing too. I give examples.
His exact words to me, he said " he has a penis, so let him do the fuck-ing" . I mean this is a mind thing right? He must have sex a certain way.

And Never once he asked me for a blowjob, I even asked him why he not like blowjob, he said if he the man just lay there and let the woman blowjob him she the one in control, and he only want him to be the one in control.
So you see, this is more than just physical for him, it a mind thing.

Clearly this man is no ordinary sex man. Because the "norm" sex a man would NEVER be this rigid and dominant in bed. You get what I mean?

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He is just so intimidating in bed and outside of bed, everything is done his ways, in his control, from sex to housework. And he not the type that beg for a relationship neither, all his life he knows exactly what he wants, from his education to his job to who he chose for a 'wife'. This has nothing with him being the 100% breadwiner and I'm the housewife, it just he intimidating.

oh and since you mention about primal. omg, his hobbies are dominant too.

He owns alot of guns, from tactical shotguns to riffles, love love hunting hobby. Hunting seasons is hunts deer, killed the deer, cut it open and take out all it organs, and cut up all the meat, and donate the meat to Hunger programs.
Never once eat the venison meat, donate the meat to hunger, so it all about the thrilled of killing and the blood from cut out all it organs and meat.

He also love outdoor shooting range shooting at stationary and moving targets. Also loves Archery bow and arrow, Rock climbing, horse riding, run long distance, even runs long distance alot even in the rain.

He the one that teach me how to shoot (and I never like guns) but I learn just to impress him, he told me a woman need to know how to shoot and operate guns for self defense and home defense.
And he work nights too, he said our home alarm system is not enough (it take time before help arrived), I need to know how to self defense in case of emergency.
He the one that teach me to shoot, on weekends he took me to shooting range and teach me how to shoot all his guns.

Clearly this man can't be the 'norm' sex here. And I'm married to him 11 years, I wouldn't dare talk back to him. Yes, he has a controlling issues. But no man is perfect, and I know nobody else in this world can love me more than than he loves me, and I truly love him too, so I'm happy in my marriage, as I'm not perfect myself.

Thank you for your help, will talk to him this weekend about my kink. And No, he not an older man at all, we both are 1984 birth babies, we both are 38 years old, meet when we 25 and together since, so 13 years. And I'm sure part of why he stay married to me is because I checkbox his requirement of a submissive wife.