It should've been obvious to me that I am a Dom and am into BDSM but somehow I always believed I was vanilla until now. I feel like ive been lying to myself out of some level of shame and making excuses for how "im not weird too" but i always was and was shaming myself.
my first serious relationship was with an extreme sadomasochist submissive (who was actually a switch) but I just thought it was a "mistake" and "love at first sight" and I always avoided trying kink with her to justify me being vanilla and that just having dominant sex and treating her like a sub justified me as being "just a normal guy". secretly I did always hope we'd open up more but since her kinks were extreme (gore, death, harder violence) I got scared off the concept of trying things with her. I always regretted not opening up and trying less extreme things with her that we couldve both enjoyed.
recently I identified a switch in domme mode out looking for vanilla guys as prey. I figured it was my chance to be the apex predator because she was gonna come to me in my way better vanilla disguise -- since I actually still believed I was vanilla so its not even a disguise. it didnt entirely work out because of my lack of experience (its true i would need a teacher in some ways) as well as miscommunication (I switched to sub when I disclosed my herpes -- herpes disclosure kills my confidence and I become weak and a follower -- which is unattractive in a dom)
after this whole exchange I realize that actually I did want to do this entirely i was down and ready. that it was never "love at first sight" but just the first time I found a sub so it was actual compatibility, not love. I also realize theres no way I wouldve had that second exchange unless this was who I am -- I literally saw the predator/prey dynamic and tried to hint i was the apex predator while still thinking I was vanilla. even though I was remembering my ex the entire time. because my Ex was also a switch who found me while looking for prey -- but back then I was out being the predator when she found me -- and ended up as my sub, but i was still naive and vanilla and didnt fully understand any of it. I didnt even know she was a switch until after we broke up when I saw pics of her in a domme outfit (which i didnt care, I dont want to be sub). But thats how I could "see" what the other girl was doing.
so yes I accept im actually a Dom that has no idea what he is doing. I've been looking up "how to be a good Dom" and stuff like that. trying to actually figure out the role instead of being some half-vanilla pseudo-dom which is whats been going on this far; But I lack experience and dont know things like tying knots or doing any of the things. I dont have any of the toys or rope or anything.
I dont know what to do but I have to accept this is my identity. My first serious gf was a club girl that left for me. i did think it was hot. I did just have this second exchange entirely hoping to take this switch home in sub mode and try tying her up for the first time (ended in vanilla sex) -- I did take her home that way in the end but I lacked the experience she was looking for in a Dom so it ended after vanilla sex since I was unwilling to sub or be a vanilla side dude. I was rather disappointed I didnt get the chance I wanted after 10 years.
I dont really have friends who are into kink that are straight tho -- I have a gay friend who understands me thats it. so im not sure how to find social events or stuff instead of relying on rare encounters in the wild -- its not always as easy to identify as this. I also dont know where to learn the related skills so I can BECOME experienced enough for the girls. Even though my communication and role establishment are clear (except herpes disclosure), its also clear I lack that experience.
my first serious relationship was with an extreme sadomasochist submissive (who was actually a switch) but I just thought it was a "mistake" and "love at first sight" and I always avoided trying kink with her to justify me being vanilla and that just having dominant sex and treating her like a sub justified me as being "just a normal guy". secretly I did always hope we'd open up more but since her kinks were extreme (gore, death, harder violence) I got scared off the concept of trying things with her. I always regretted not opening up and trying less extreme things with her that we couldve both enjoyed.
recently I identified a switch in domme mode out looking for vanilla guys as prey. I figured it was my chance to be the apex predator because she was gonna come to me in my way better vanilla disguise -- since I actually still believed I was vanilla so its not even a disguise. it didnt entirely work out because of my lack of experience (its true i would need a teacher in some ways) as well as miscommunication (I switched to sub when I disclosed my herpes -- herpes disclosure kills my confidence and I become weak and a follower -- which is unattractive in a dom)
after this whole exchange I realize that actually I did want to do this entirely i was down and ready. that it was never "love at first sight" but just the first time I found a sub so it was actual compatibility, not love. I also realize theres no way I wouldve had that second exchange unless this was who I am -- I literally saw the predator/prey dynamic and tried to hint i was the apex predator while still thinking I was vanilla. even though I was remembering my ex the entire time. because my Ex was also a switch who found me while looking for prey -- but back then I was out being the predator when she found me -- and ended up as my sub, but i was still naive and vanilla and didnt fully understand any of it. I didnt even know she was a switch until after we broke up when I saw pics of her in a domme outfit (which i didnt care, I dont want to be sub). But thats how I could "see" what the other girl was doing.
so yes I accept im actually a Dom that has no idea what he is doing. I've been looking up "how to be a good Dom" and stuff like that. trying to actually figure out the role instead of being some half-vanilla pseudo-dom which is whats been going on this far; But I lack experience and dont know things like tying knots or doing any of the things. I dont have any of the toys or rope or anything.
I dont know what to do but I have to accept this is my identity. My first serious gf was a club girl that left for me. i did think it was hot. I did just have this second exchange entirely hoping to take this switch home in sub mode and try tying her up for the first time (ended in vanilla sex) -- I did take her home that way in the end but I lacked the experience she was looking for in a Dom so it ended after vanilla sex since I was unwilling to sub or be a vanilla side dude. I was rather disappointed I didnt get the chance I wanted after 10 years.
I dont really have friends who are into kink that are straight tho -- I have a gay friend who understands me thats it. so im not sure how to find social events or stuff instead of relying on rare encounters in the wild -- its not always as easy to identify as this. I also dont know where to learn the related skills so I can BECOME experienced enough for the girls. Even though my communication and role establishment are clear (except herpes disclosure), its also clear I lack that experience.
