Master/slave relationships - Getting started 101

[SubMissChievous]

As the title suggest, this thread is intended for those who are new into this lifestyle or at searching for partners online although this thread can (hopefully!) be helpful to the not-so-new as well.

For the past year I have been a regular member on getDare & then since last April on here as well. I have posted & replied to personal ads, discussed in threads with other users, chatted with lots of different people… And now thought of posting some tips & ideas coming from my past searching experiences & conversations I’ve had.

Note that even though I’m a slave & a female one involved in an online relationship myself this thread is intended for either submissives AND dominants, females AND males and I’m sure that at least some of the tips in this thread can be helpful to those seeking offline as much as online. I think that when it comes to making new contacts some basic “rules” applies no matter who you are or in which context you do so be it for a potential future D/s relationship, a “vanilla” one or even simply just meeting new friends.

That being said other members are very welcomed to post in here & share some of their own experiences & tips. After all, I’ve been into this for only a year & I’m sure that some of you must have some good additions to make to this thread

Also I would kindly ask people not to post junk like this in my thread:

fell asleep after fist few paragraphs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My intention with this thread is to try to help people who are interested in finding a match so please post here only if you have useful additions to make. Of course again discussion is very welcomed but judgments or dumb remarks are not so please do not clog this thread, thank you.

In the 1st part of this thread I will try to give some tips on how to post an advertisement, in the 2nd tips that can help finding a partner without advertising & 3rd some tips about the first contacts between a dominant & a submissive.

 

[SubMissChievous]

Part 1 - Getting started & posting an ad

Now you’re a registered member & are ready, willing & eager to find a partner… First thing: Don’t rush it! Take your time to lurk around & get acquainted with the site. Filling your profile is also not a bad idea when you want to get in contact with other users.

One of the most common mistakes I’ve noticed on getDare is new users registering then go straight to the s/m area to post something along those lines:

“hi i am looking for a female slave email me at [email protected]”

“Please I need a Mistress to control me. Pm for more details”

Now before even starting to type an ad keep those 2 words in mind: First impression! And in this case, the first impression you are sending to a potential partner is your words. And the problem with ads like in the examples above is: Why should another person reply? There is nothing in such requests that tells readers what you are really looking for. Sure, it says in a thread title if you’re looking for either a Master, slave or switch but… is that all you look for? Would just any partner be fine with you? Most probably not… So in the end what happens is that short, undetailed personal ads gives the first impression that you’re either not very serious, uncreative or just desperate. These type of ads generally end up with very little to no replies at all. In fact, I can almost guarantee that if the target of such a request is a female it will end up unreplied simply because there are more males than females looking for partners on sites like here.

So when you’re ready to post your ad keep in mind who your addressing it to & try to “sell yourself” as best as possible. After all, it’s the same as if you wanted to sell something. You would not just put an ad in the newspaper saying “Car for sale. Contact me to know more…”

The obvious things that a potential partner will like to know about you are: What do you like? What you don’t like? What are your limits? Anything that you never tried but find yourself curious about? Are you looking for something regular or occasional? Strict or casual? Online or offline? If for online is a webcam and or digicam necessary? Any past experience? Those are I think the points that readers like most to know when they browse in search for a partner so it’s a good way to start.

One thing that I’ve heard a few times from users who had posted “Slave seek Master” type of ads was “Yeah but it’s not important what I like, It’s what He/She likes that matters” Hmm… Guess what? Yes, what submissives like is just as important. Sure, the idea behind a Master/slave relationship is to please the dominant but it’s bound to fail if there’s no or very little compatibility & common interests involved. Everyone who’s looking forward to get involved in a D/s relationship has their expectations so don’t be afraid to express yours.

And another point is about limits. Yes, you will have to discuss them once a contact has been established between you & a potential future partner but everyone has a few things that they know for sure that they would never ever do or ask a submissive to do so it’s very important to make that clear from the start.

Also another point that’s important: Spelling. Once again, remember that first impression is the key to make yourself stand out. Of course a couple of typos won’t make you look like an idiot but if your ad is filled with errors or even worse chat speak it will make your ad very hard to read through. So try to keep your ad as “clean” as possible.

And finally one last important point: Don’t get discouraged! If your first try didn’t get you the result you were hoping for try again. It is very rare that people find the right match on their first try & yes, it is more likely that you will have to talk with different people before finding the “right one”.

 

[SubMissChievous]

Part 2 ? Browsing ads & searching for the ?right one?

I have already posted some tips on how to put an appealing personal ads. But, of course, most people who are seeking for a partner won’t just post some ad then sit back & wait for replies to come to them. At least, they shouldn’t… Most will browse through the Personals section & read other members’ ads. Now I know that at the moment Kink Talk is still very new & there aren’t a ton of ads (yet!) but still the few tips I have don’t apply just here but also to getDare or other less interesting sites too

By searching through other members’ ads & posts is how I personally had the most successful results

I mentioned in my previous post about “selling” yourself while posting your personal ad. So when a person is searching through ads they are basically the “clients”. So when people go shopping for something particular in mind they usually know what they want & what they do not want. So… when you go “shopping” for a future partner wouldn’t it be a good idea to have a little “shopping list”? (Yes, I actually had a list!) There’s no need to make an extensive long one. Just keep it to the essential & be realistic. Pretty much the same basic things that I mentioned in the previous post:

What do you like? What you don’t like? What are your limits? Anything that you never tried but find yourself curious about? Are you looking for something regular or occasional? Strict or casual? Online or offline? If for online is a webcam and or digicam necessary? Any past experience?

One thing I particularly liked to do when I was searching was that if an ad sounded appealing to me or if one user caught my curiosity I would automatically look into past postings of that person. This helped me a lot in knowing not only if I had some common interests with that person but to get a little idea on their personality as well. Of course, I know that all members on sites like here & getDare are active posters. And if a member as no or very little posts that doesn’t mean they aren’t serious but I always saw it as a “plus” if I can get some idea of a member before establishing some form of contact.

Once you’ve found someone that sound potentially interesting to you enough to send a private message do so the same way you would if posting your own ad. Give that person as much basic details as possible (again the likes/dislikes/limits etc.) Again, no need to overdo it but try to spark their interest. Just because they posted an ad doesn’t mean that a plain, impersonal message like “will you be my Master/slave/whatever…” will do. Besides the usual details tell them what attracted you in their ads and/or posts.

One of the reason why I mention about searching through ads & posts is that from a female perspective I don’t like the idea of posting an ad myself. Females who post personal ads in sites like here are usually swarmed with much more attention than they can handle… And what I mean is that kind of attention that we don’t really need… When I did post an ad last year I have received my share of stuff like this:

"Hey Salve, I can Be your master... no In Fact I AM your master, and you should do what i want. so Mail me... that is an order..."

Yes this is a real PM that I actually received & I had many of them… For some funny reason there are some people out there who seem not to think that this is the kind of stuff that is appealing to females who are into this lifestyle… The truth is that by approaching a female member like this you are showing how little you know about D/s & only displaying a rude & obnoxious side that will turn off most of us.

So when you’re about to contact another user do so the same way you would in “RL” no matter on which side of the fence you are be it Master or slave.

 

[Fiendish]

I'ma add my add-ons now, for I am Mr. Pirate!(for now...)

Remember, for either side, odds are good you'll go through alot of bullshit- idiots, time-wasters, people looking for kinky chats/pics and then they disappear...

Do not allow this to discourage you. You'll always be able to find one or two good people through the crap, and even if a relationship doesn't work out, stay in touch. Sometimes they provide valuable insight into yourself

Also, anyone who's first demand is for naked pics is probably not very serious and just want to get off once or twice, then they disappear.

I hate all the bullshit, and I can't imagine how much worse it is for slaves, particularly the female variety of slave.

 

[tempered_sugar]

Like Chloe said first impressions count. Like Fiendish said if they just ask for naked pics first off they may not stay around. I had a couple of Doms who weren't bothered about the photos or cam they just liked me doing orders from them through out the day. I got things like I had to drink a certain drink at a certain time or email them at a certain time filling them in on what I was wearing and doing etc.

I used to really enjoy these little tasks and I'm still in touch with a Dom from well over 18 months ago who I no longer sub for but he's a nice guy and understands I've moved on and now have Mr P We still chat from time to time and he likes to hear about how I've changed and grown as a submissive.

I think this is really important for Doms and submissives. Never just use your Dom/sub as your source of information. Talk to others, find out how they do things, what tasks they have/give, how they deal with certain issues etc. This has been the most valuable thing for me and yeah some of the people I talked to where nobs but a couple are really great

I actually think before you commit to being a full time submissive to someone it's a good idea to just shop around and have some fun, sort out what you like and don't and see all the different Dominating styles. This goes for Doms too, not all subs are the same. Lets face it it's not much fun if they just say "yes Sir" or whatever, it's important their personality still comes through. I don't mean become an internet whore but just talk to Doms/subs the lasting Dom friends I have are from just striking up conversation in BDSM related chat rooms which sometimes developed into taking some orders or doing tasks.

One thing as well Mr P didn't even see a face shot of me for erm...I think it was 4 months, it took another month or so for me to pluck up the courage to send anything more than that and it wasn't until we had met up that I got the guts to go on cam. He didn't once ask for more or try and force me into something. He let me do it at my own pace so that I was comfortable. I think that was the most important part at the beginning, I didn't feel pressured or like I was just a peace of meat. If a Dom just pressures you it is a horrible feeling and also I got photos back which relaxed me and made me trust more because he was trusting me as well

I think as a Dom, especially at the beginning it's important to remember that the sub is making themselves vunerable for you and not to make them feel pressured on top of that and like they are under a micro scope.

Sorry for rambling. Excellent post Chloe

 

[SubMissChievous]

Part 3 - The first contacts

In the previous two parts I have mainly covered how to post your personal ad, as well as tips & pointers on what to look for & what to avoid both in putting up an ad as well as while browsing the Personals section. I have mentioned about making the first contacts in the last post & that?s what I want to cover with this last post because this is where I have seen the most problems this past years.

Yes, breaking the ice isn?t easy. It?s true for both newbies & even for more ?experienced? people. When you establish contact with a potential partner you don?t know anything about this person & this person knows nothing about you. Just because one is dominant & the other submissive doesn?t mean that there?s a match made in heaven there. As I said in the first part, yes, you will probably have to talk with many different persons no matter if you?re a Master or a slave, male or female. And, yes, some of those people will perhaps turn out to be rude or not what they pretend to be. And sometimes you?ll talk a bit with someone for a bit then realize that it just doesn?t click between the two of you. That?s why when someone goes ?shopping? for a partner it?s always best to keep your options open. I needed to talk with maybe 30-40 different people before I knew I was talking to the right one. Taking with different people turns out to be very helpful in finding what we want, what we like, what appeals to us in the lifestyle etc.

It is also a very good thing to talk with other people involved in Master/slave in general & not only to potential future partners. Especially for new dominants to talk with other doms & same thing for submissives. Seeking advice from more experienced members in particular, discussing with them & ask questions usually proves worth the time & effort. Most people are generally open to help out beginners who show a genuine interest so don?t be afraid to ask them. When I started to seek a Master online little did I know that not only I would finally find one but would get to make a few good friends as well. That?s a nice bonus to have!

Another thing: Once you have started a new relationship with a partner it is a nice idea to complete a checklist of activites. You know, those BDSM checklist, right? No? Here?s a couple of example:

http://members.aol.com/eieuks0wn/inventory.html

http://www.vanilla-not.com/reallife/checklist.html

Those are usually filled by submissives & handed to the dominant. But I have found that it is an even better idea to have both partners fill it & look into it together. It is an interesting way to be able to see common interests between two persons as well as the points where compromising may become important. Of course, the results of these lists doesn?t guarantee that a relationship will work since there are other factors involved than only common interests yet it?s nice to share those informations & will most likely open some discussions about some activities in particular as well as a sub?s limits. And as a relationship progresses some of these results might also change. So then you can always decide to update your list.

Now the last point I want to address is that oh so hot topic: Pics! I am very aware that those are very important for some Masters in order to know who they are dealing with especially when they are seeking female slaves. And, yes, I understand that. I am very well-placed to know that there are females with cocks on the internet. Sadly, I am also aware of too many situations where females did sent them only to get trouble in return because they trusted someone too quickly or felt under pressure of doing so because there are not only ?fake females? out there? there are also many ?fake Masters?. Guys who?s primary objective is to wank & who thinks that getting pics from a slave is the essence of a M/s relationship.

So when should a slave accept to send them? The only right answer is: when they feel comfortable enough with it. How do you make someone to get comfortable? By gaining their TRUST. Of course, some will say that they need ?proof? to trust. Well, my answer to this is that it goes both ways. If you put your slave under pressure by insisting over & over you will not gain their trust this way, sorry. Again, this is something that needs to be discussed between both partners. If the slave isn?t comfortable to send them right away (and they shouldn?t do it right away anyway). Then ask them why without making them feel bad. There can be many reasons why a person wants to wait. Can be simply a matter of safety for their privacy and/or reputation. That person may also be shy or not very comfortable with how they look. And, especially in those case, the person who is asked to send pics truly need to feel at ease with you enough before sending anything. Again this is yet another area that you may find yourself having to compromise a bit but I can tell from my own experience as well as from discussions with other people that patience really do pays off when it comes to this.

So there? I think I have covered everything I wanted to say. I?m sure that there are other points that I?ve missed & of course, as always, postive & contributive additions are most welcomed. I hope that some of the points raised in that thread can help some of you who are still searching

 

[Fiendish]

In the previous two parts I have mainly covered how to post your personal ad, as well as tips & pointers on what to look for & what to avoid both in putting up an ad as well as while browsing the Personals section. I have mentioned about making the first contacts in the last post & that?s what I want to cover with this last post because this is where I have seen the most problems this past years.

Yes, breaking the ice isn?t easy. It?s true for both newbies & even for more ?experienced? people. When you establish contact with a potential partner you don?t know anything about this person & this person knows nothing about you. Just because one is dominant & the other submissive doesn?t mean that there?s a match made in heaven there. As I said in the first part, yes, you will probably have to talk with many different persons no matter if you?re a Master or a slave, male or female. And, yes, some of those people will perhaps turn out to be rude or not what they pretend to be. And sometimes you?ll talk a bit with someone for a bit then realize that it just doesn?t click between the two of you. That?s why when someone goes ?shopping? for a partner it?s always best to keep your options open. I needed to talk with maybe 30-40 different people before I knew I was talking to the right one. Taking with different people turns out to be very helpful in finding what we want, what we like, what appeals to us in the lifestyle etc.

It is also a very good thing to talk with other people involved in Master/slave in general & not only to potential future partners. Especially for new dominants to talk with other doms & same thing for submissives. Seeking advice from more experienced members in particular, discussing with them & ask questions usually proves worth the time & effort. Most people are generally open to help out beginners who show a genuine interest so don?t be afraid to ask them. When I started to seek a Master online little did I know that not only I would finally find one but would get to make a few good friends as well. That?s a nice bonus to have!

Another thing: Once you have started a new relationship with a partner it is a nice idea to complete a checklist of activites. You know, those BDSM checklist, right? No? Here?s a couple of example:

http://members.aol.com/eieuks0wn/inventory.html

http://www.vanilla-not.com/reallife/checklist.html

Those are usually filled by submissives & handed to the dominant. But I have found that it is an even better idea to have both partners fill it & look into it together. It is an interesting way to be able to see common interests between two persons as well as the points where compromising may become important. Of course, the results of these lists doesn?t guarantee that a relationship will work since there are other factors involved than only common interests yet it?s nice to share those informations & will most likely open some discussions about some activities in particular as well as a sub?s limits. And as a relationship progresses some of these results might also change. So then you can always decide to update your list.

Now the last point I want to address is that oh so hot topic: Pics! I am very aware that those are very important for some Masters in order to know who they are dealing with especially when they are seeking female slaves. And, yes, I understand that. I am very well-placed to know that there are females with cocks on the internet. Sadly, I am also aware of too many situations where females did sent them only to get trouble in return because they trusted someone too quickly or felt under pressure of doing so because there are not only ?fake females? out there? there are also many ?fake Masters?. Guys who?s primary objective is to wank & who thinks that getting pics from a slave is the essence of a M/s relationship.

So when should a slave accept to send them? The only right answer is: when they feel comfortable enough with it. How do you make someone to get comfortable? By gaining their TRUST. Of course, some will say that they need ?proof? to trust. Well, my answer to this is that it goes both ways. If you put your slave under pressure by insisting over & over you will not gain their trust this way, sorry. Again, this is something that needs to be discussed between both partners. If the slave isn?t comfortable to send them right away (and they shouldn?t do it right away anyway). Then ask them why without making them feel bad. There can be many reasons why a person wants to wait. Can be simply a matter of safety for their privacy and/or reputation. That person may also be shy or not very comfortable with how they look. And, especially in those case, the person who is asked to send pics truly need to feel at ease with you enough before sending anything. Again this is yet another area that you may find yourself having to compromise a bit but I can tell from my own experience as well as from discussions with other people that patience really do pays off when it comes to this.

So there? I think I have covered everything I wanted to say. I?m sure that there are other points that I?ve missed & of course, as always, postive & contributive additions are most welcomed. I hope that some of the points raised in that thread can help some of you who are still searching

One thing to add to your pic information:

The first pics don't have to be nudes, and probably shouldn't be. After a few exchanges, then I'd say it's good to send nudes.

Also, a couple of things to mention:

-Limits are important. I've seen time and time again so-called 'Masters' limiting the limits the slave is allowed to have to 2 or 3. That's not good- if you have more limits you have more, although with the right master and training, some of those limits will disappear.

-Remember that Masters have limits too.

-If things aren't working the way they should, speak up. Just because you're a slave doesn't mean you don't have some specific needs, and if they aren't being met, that's not good. Be respectful when bringing it up, but bring it up.

-Even Masters get scared shitless, especially new Masters- if you're a more experienced slave with a fairly new Master, help him learn.

-I like-a, a do-a, da cha-cha?

-Be wary of what's known as "subspace"- you'll cross your limits and possibly even common-sense boundaries to make your Master happy. This is where having a skilled Master is a major thing- they'll make sure to stop you before you go too far.

-As already mentioned, keep personal info(real name, addy, phone, social security number, bank info) PERSONAL! Now, as time goes on and it feels like everything is going good, and you trust the other person. Then feel free to share this info(not bank or ss though, that could cause real problems)

-We(good Masters and slaves) are out there- you're just gonna need to go through alot of bullshit to find us. But it's worth it, do not give up- giving up is a sign of weakness

-Slave contracts are nice, though it must be held in mind that they have absolutely NO legal power, even if it is a contract and signed by both parties. I know ways to make them legally binding, but that's not something to put on the internet, now is it?

That is all

 

[tempered_sugar]

-If things aren't working the way they should, speak up. Just because you're a slave doesn't mean you don't have some specific needs, and if they aren't being met, that's not good. Be respectful when bringing it up, but bring it up.

-Even Masters get scared shitless, especially new Masters- if you're a more experienced slave with a fairly new Master, help him learn.

Just want to add a little something to this. When you start off with a new Dominant/slave it is so important to communicate! If you aren't happy with any aspect then say don't sit there thinking "oh my god if I admit I don't understand they will think I'm an idiot". I know I did this at the beginning and it doesn't help either of you. If they explain something and you don't get it, say. You don't want to go and do it wrong because when they say you have done it wrong it can be frustrating for you (sub in this case) and them as well as making you feel bad because you have in some way "failed".

Back when I used to switch I had one submissive who was great. I hadn't really tried dominating much online and he always told me if I wasn't explaining well enough or he wasn't sure he could do a certain aspect of a task. This was great for me and after a week or so I was able to hone how I explained things to him and make sure I said things in a way suited to him (not that he was an idiot but everyone has different ways of doing things)

As Fiendish said if the Dominant isn't very experienced then help them out and it will help you as the submissive as well. Although it sounds clich?, you can grow together.

I don't think you should just dismiss someone because they are new to Dom/sub they could potentially be an amazing Dom/submissive if you take the time with them. At the end of the day at the beginning of a Dom/sub relationship you have to learn about each other and start right from the bottom, so them not having overly much experience to me isn't a major problem (although I do know there are a lot of immature idiots out there). Things can go wrong with the most seasoned of Dominants/subs. Also each Dom/sub is different so an experienced Dom may have to re-think how he do things with a new sub.

Another thing when choosing a Dominant/submissive think about time. Do you have enough time for them? Is your time zone so different you will have to be up at 4 am to talk to them? Are you willing to do this? Will they have a way to get in contact with you if they desperately need to talk to you? If you only have an hour a week free chances are you may need to wait to start your search. I think at the beginning it?s a good idea to ask about when they are likely to be around etc. If they will hardly ever coincide with you then it in honesty isn?t going to really work.

Again great points Chloe, I will +rep you once I am allowed

 

[Fiendish]

All very good points. I have a strange feeling this thread will become a powerful edumacational tool for new members and old members alike

 

[SubMissChievous]

The first pics don't have to be nudes, and probably shouldn't be. After a few exchanges, then I'd say it's good to send nudes.

Yes you?re right, thanks for pointing this out. I didn?t mention the word nude in this part of my post although that?s what I mostly had in mind when I wrote it although I know some people who are reluctant to send pics showing their face at first too so I?d say this apply as well. As for sending after a few exchanges I guess it depends on the person & what ?a few? is. I know some people who send them almost right away & I figure if they feel fine with it & are aware of the possible risks then that?s alright. But personally I really don?t think I could ever either have enough trust & be comfortable enough after let?s say 4-5 exchanges. I?ve been able to have enough trust to do that only with one person & it took about I think a month and a half myself. Some people will need less time, some others more. But like I said the most important part from the person who will receive them is to not put unnecessary pressure over this. Over all the conversations I?ve had with different Masters I?ve found that there are quite a few out there who are really good at trying to pull a guilt trip on slaves to make them feel like they have to do it by saying stuff like ?if you?re a real slave it shouldn?t bother you? or ?real slaves likes to be told what to do so why don?t you send me pics if I ask you?? etc. I recommend to all slaves to be really cautious with people who use arguments like that.

Another thing when choosing a Dominant/submissive think about time. Do you have enough time for them? Is your time zone so different you will have to be up at 4 am to talk to them? Are you willing to do this? Will they have a way to get in contact with you if they desperately need to talk to you? If you only have an hour a week free chances are you may need to wait to start your search. I think at the beginning it?s a good idea to ask about when they are likely to be around etc. If they will hardly ever coincide with you then it in honesty isn?t going to really work.

Very good point, sugar. Thanks for adding this I had completely forgot about that part.

 

[Bravosi]

I want to ask something, I'm entirely new to this whole scene and would like to learn more about it. Might be a strange question, but the master/slave relationship apply only during the act and intercourse itself, or somehow during the normal life as well?

 

[Mr_With_Mic]

I want to ask something, I'm entirely new to this whole scene and would like to learn more about it. Might be a strange question, but the master/slave relationship apply only during the act and intercourse itself, or somehow during the normal life as well?

yes and no. it can be just be contained to sexual play and such but also extend to other aspects of life as well. it all depends on you .. are you just looking for sexual fun? or are you looking for more ? There are subs and doms that seek one or both, so i advice talking it out with your partner to see if you are on the same page. hope it helps

 

[NaturallyCurious]

I want to ask something, I'm entirely new to this whole scene and would like to learn more about it. Might be a strange question, but the master/slave relationship apply only during the act and intercourse itself, or somehow during the normal life as well?

Not all kink and not all relationships are sexual. M/s can be like any other relationship, some relationships are between friends, some are romantic, some are sexual, some are for intimacy (intimacy doesn't always mean sex), some are platonic....... It's all what you make of it.

 

[Hildag]

this was interesting as well as entertaining, looking for a subby boy to explore with