Reflections on Submission and Seeking Advice

[theobsessionqueen]

In the past year or so I have found myself really pondering on the question of whether or not I was exclusively dominant. When I first discovered kink and bdsm I absolutely balked at the idea of submitting. Never, I told myself, could I allow another person to tell me what to do. I could never be in any way out of control. Especially to a man. I had just recently discovered that I was entirely straight at this time and had also discovered feminism. I did everything in extremes back then. So for years I identified as and played as a dominant. And that was okay for me.

But I got older. I became a lot less rigid in how I did and saw things. I realized I was even less straight than I thought I was and understanding that my romantic and sexual feels were not necessarily one in the same. I could not be sexually attracted to men and still have attachments to them beyond friendship. And I also realized I did want to try submission. So, I tried in a way that made me lose the least amount of control possible. And I really enjoyed it. The more I got into it and tried it again with another person, the more I realized how good submission made me feel. How free. It was so nice to just let go. I have to do everything and be so put together in my real life. To not have to do that was exhilarating.

But also really really hard. And really really scary.

And I wish it wasn't. I wish I could just let go with a partner more and not have this inner turmoil. I wish I knee how not to hold back and to just give myself up. To just try what they tell me without thinking about whether or not it's "okay" for me to do by these invisible standards I set for myself. Not outside my limits by any means! Purely my own barriers I set for myself. Like face slapping or licking my juices from my fingers. My mind instantly balks at these things as "wrong" yet I have never done them. I assume I would not like face slapping based off my knowledge of what I do and don't like. But I have also never tried doing it. My perfectionism also gets in the way. I always feel the need to be or do things perfectly. An unattainable goal thst I can't let go. I tend to worry so much about not messing something up and getting ut perfect that I don't just experience the thing, fail or not.

I recognize that doing this purely online (for now) does create an unavoidable barrier in of itself. But I guess my questions for other submissives are:

Did you struggle with giving up control and letting go at first?

If so, how did you overcome it or how are you working on it?

Is there any tips or advice for how I can start to let myself fell into submission with more ease and ve able to give up control with less fear?

And even more dominants:

Have you had these issues with a submissive before?

If so how did you overcome or how are you working with them to overcome this?

Any tips or advice from the prospective on how to work on these issues?

I crave the freedom I have briefly felt during and after submission. I want to improve as a submissive and want to be about to experience it more throughly and without fear. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I have a list of things I really want to try and I want to go into any further scenes and sessions with more tools to better handle it!

 

[ByteTaildotFox]

Very very good questions. YESS I absolutely struggle and still do. Somedays there are things inside where I can't flip that switch, I'm not able to submit.

Somedays I feel like a feral fox, wanting all the cuddles and not able to submit or be collared to get those cuddles and praises. Those are the days that I pace my own mental cage, whining and hoping that maybe, just maybe tomorrow will bring the gift of being able to submit.

Just like you I've set invisible standards for only me. Things that I constantly check myself against. I totally get the 'wrong' things.

Listening to Podcasts, Crying, Journalling, Figuring out what is unresolved and needs to be looked at, making compromises. It's scary. To trust someone else at that level is terrifying. I totally get that.

Petplay is something that I'm able to get into easier then slave. So sometimes a Domme is able to coax out my puppy side and I'm an obedient mess for a few hours, before reality pulls me back and I get too self conscious.

 

[theobsessionqueen]

Very very good questions. YESS I absolutely struggle and still do. Somedays there are things inside where I can't flip that switch, I'm not able to submit.

Somedays I feel like a feral fox, wanting all the cuddles and not able to submit or be collared to get those cuddles and praises. Those are the days that I pace my own mental cage, whining and hoping that maybe, just maybe tomorrow will bring the gift of being able to submit.

Just like you I've set invisible standards for only me. Things that I constantly check myself against. I totally get the 'wrong' things.

Listening to Podcasts, Crying, Journalling, Figuring out what is unresolved and needs to be looked at, making compromises. It's scary. To trust someone else at that level is terrifying. I totally get that.

Petplay is something that I'm able to get into easier then slave. So sometimes a Domme is able to coax out my puppy side and I'm an obedient mess for a few hours, before reality pulls me back and I get too self conscious.

Thank you so much for responding with your experience! It's comforting to know that I am not alone in these feelings and actions.

I find myself simultaneously wanting desperately to submit and pacing that mental cage you mentioned and being afraid to take the plunge of making a post requesting a dom to do a session with. My mind balks at the commitment and constantly scanning for an exit.

But I have done it before and I wouldn't be in this predicament if I didn't enjoy or truly want it. You show it is possible to conquer! I truly appreciate your advice and thank you again for sharing with me.

 

[Dominantsub]

Hello

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, vulnerability and articulating your thoughts so well. I have definitely heard the same things from a lot of people in the community and have had a partner who experienced the same.

I have always been the type to want to experiment and try new things and always keep things open to myself.

However, that is not the case with everyone. The first and foremost thing that I think is really important is to be forgiving to yourself. Control is clearly very close to you. It seems to be a core part of you and your instinct is doing everything that it can to protect you. Taking your time and slowly familiarizing yourself with letting it go without pushing too hard or being too hard on yourself is key to truly opening yourself up. It really helps to have a partner you trust to guide you in this but also you have yourself to always rely on.

Forming small habits to let go (can't speak to what they should be exactly with how much I know about you) will really help. One more thing that helps me is understanding what the worst is that could happen and making peace with it.

While not in BDSM, I struggle with this quite often with emotional vulnerability and in person vulnerability. The above actions really helped and I think in BDSM the same can be applied. Also this happens with doms and subs too in case anyone feels similar. The number of things this kind of a feeling applies to is really vast and varied in my experience.

What helps really is having faith in yourself and your instincts and making a conscious slow effort to tweak the things you want to.
Sorry for the long post. I think I might have projected myself a little bit so sorry about that.

Always happy to talk and help if I can!

 

[theobsessionqueen]

Hello

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, vulnerability and articulating your thoughts so well. I have definitely heard the same things from a lot of people in the community and have had a partner who experienced the same.

I have always been the type to want to experiment and try new things and always keep things open to myself.

However, that is not the case with everyone. The first and foremost thing that I think is really important is to be forgiving to yourself. Control is clearly very close to you. It seems to be a core part of you and your instinct is doing everything that it can to protect you. Taking your time and slowly familiarizing yourself with letting it go without pushing too hard or being too hard on yourself is key to truly opening yourself up. It really helps to have a partner you trust to guide you in this but also you have yourself to always rely on.

Forming small habits to let go (can't speak to what they should be exactly with how much I know about you) will really help. One more thing that helps me is understanding what the worst is that could happen and making peace with it.

While not in BDSM, I struggle with this quite often with emotional vulnerability and in person vulnerability. The above actions really helped and I think in BDSM the same can be applied. Also this happens with doms and subs too in case anyone feels similar. The number of things this kind of a feeling applies to is really vast and varied in my experience.

What helps really is having faith in yourself and your instincts and making a conscious slow effort to tweak the things you want to.
Sorry for the long post. I think I might have projected myself a little bit so sorry about that.

Always happy to talk and help if I can!

Wow, this was like a virtual hug! First of all I really appreciated you adding your own experiences and struggles in your response, so please don't apologize!

It is incredible comforting to know that I am alone in these struggles and that there will be people who understand and will be willing to work with me to overcome these struggles.

I will definitely try to be less hard on myself. As long as I am trying and taking even little steps forward that is something to be proud of. I will also remember to not go too far too fast.

As for forming small habits to let go, could you prehaps give me a random example of what you mean so I can adapt it to my own situation? The worst case scenario tip is amazing. I use this a lot in non bdsm related activities and I should definitely start implementing it in kink as well.

Thank you immensely for taking the time to read my post and to respond with such great advice and words of encouragement!

 

[Dominantsub]

Sure! To give you an example. I had real trouble with sharing my pictures initially. It was scary to know how they might be used or if it even is the right thing to do. Will I be immoral for doing this? Questions like these would torment me.

So I started small. I started taking sfw pics and uploading to a site that would delete them in a few minutes, then hours and then days. These would be private and no one could see. It made me comfortable with seeing myself in pictures on the Internet.

Then I started doing the same with NSFW pics. Then I found a really good community where I could post pics to people I can trust. Today I am a lot more comfortable sharing myself and am a bit of an exhibitionist with around 15gb worth of me porn in my drive

Another example is face slapping. I actually had a similar feeling to you in that I hated it (though I actually enjoy degradation). For this, I would just casually touch my cheeks all the time till my hand felt comfortable on my cheek. Then I would playfully lightly tap with my fingers whenever I hum or watching TV or in class, etc. This moved on to light full hand taps. Continuing this eventually associated the taps to comfort and now slapping is another activity I can enjoy

 

[Owena]

Sure! To give you an example. I had real trouble with sharing my pictures initially. It was scary to know how they might be used or if it even is the right thing to do. Will I be immoral for doing this? Questions like these would torment me.

So I started small. I started taking sfw pics and uploading to a site that would delete them in a few minutes, then hours and then days. These would be private and no one could see. It made me comfortable with seeing myself in pictures on the Internet.

Then I started doing the same with NSFW pics. Then I found a really good community where I could post pics to people I can trust. Today I am a lot more comfortable sharing myself and am a bit of an exhibitionist with around 15gb worth of me porn in my drive

Another example is face slapping. I actually had a similar feeling to you in that I hated it (though I actually enjoy degradation). For this, I would just casually touch my cheeks all the time till my hand felt comfortable on my cheek. Then I would playfully lightly tap with my fingers whenever I hum or watching TV or in class, etc. This moved on to light full hand taps. Continuing this eventually associated the taps to comfort and now slapping is another activity I can enjoy

There are only two cases when sharing pics within nsfw context is ok: either youre ok with becoming a porn star or youre relying on the idea "nobody just give a damn about me"... Not that the cases are rare, but if you believe in privacy on net youre very very very far from reality... It especially concerns people who get background checks due to their work.

 

[Dominantsub]

Completely fair. And I understand the risk I am taking. Just to be clear, I am in no way asking the OP to post pics of herself. I only intended to demonstrate how small steady habits helped me overcome some fears/inhibitions I had.

I agree with every point you made and thank you for your concern

 

[Owena]

Many fears dont pose real danger to your life, yet some do... Before encouraging others to do smth actually dangerous you should at least warn of collaterals...
Exhib, public use are probably my most sexy fantasies, but i would never do that irl...

 

[Dominantsub]

Again. I really was not suggesting exhibitionism or posting pics at all. In response to her "
As for forming small habits to let go, could you prehaps give me a random example of what you mean so I can adapt it to my own situation?"

I was giving an example of my own experience. It was in no way a suggestion of a habit she should form. I even mention it in the original post that I can't suggest any habits as I know little about her. This was purely meant as a random example.

Exhibitionism comes with a lot of risk absolutely. I absolutely follow and insist on RACK and SSC with my partners and would never push beyond them. Please see if with his context my comments still seem like I was suggesting that she do what I did. If it does I sincerely apologize and want to reiterate that she should find her own set of habits that work towards her goals

 

[Owena]

The problem with the pics is that they are extremely attractive in sexual sense, especially within bdsm. Yet most people really dont understand what exactly they are doing, even in IT...
E.g. If you were using snapchat, congratulations, messages, incl pics, only "dissapear" for you, and they are selling data for data brokers... Its not about partners, its about service providers. But its not like your partners cant be hacked as well... Most phones do en masse by automated exploits and other non targeted methods. Actually there are so many options, that you can be pretty sure, everything you post ends up public to some extent. And just to illustrate the severity, for the last 5 years or so one can run a query by a pic to find all pics made by the same device...

 

[theobsessionqueen]

Sure! To give you an example. I had real trouble with sharing my pictures initially. It was scary to know how they might be used or if it even is the right thing to do. Will I be immoral for doing this? Questions like these would torment me.

So I started small. I started taking sfw pics and uploading to a site that would delete them in a few minutes, then hours and then days. These would be private and no one could see. It made me comfortable with seeing myself in pictures on the Internet.

Then I started doing the same with NSFW pics. Then I found a really good community where I could post pics to people I can trust. Today I am a lot more comfortable sharing myself and am a bit of an exhibitionist with around 15gb worth of me porn in my drive

Another example is face slapping. I actually had a similar feeling to you in that I hated it (though I actually enjoy degradation). For this, I would just casually touch my cheeks all the time till my hand felt comfortable on my cheek. Then I would playfully lightly tap with my fingers whenever I hum or watching TV or in class, etc. This moved on to light full hand taps. Continuing this eventually associated the taps to comfort and now slapping is another activity I can enjoy

This is incredible. Thank you again for sharing. I am trying really hard to learn that going slowly can be incredibly arousing and patience is the key to improvement. I will definitely start breaking things down into smaller steps.

And for the record I didn't for a second think you were trying to encourage me to post pictures. I merely saw it as you giving a through answer to the question I asked, which was a random example of a small habit I could form to help me learn to let go more and more. I understand and appreciate Owena's concerns for me and think she brought up some great points, but her continued back and forth arguments are not necessary. The way you do things works for you and that is what matters. It's not for everyone and you recognize that.

I, again, really appreciate the advice you have given me and thank you again for being willing to share parts of your story with me. It has really helped and comforted me. It also gave me the courage to post an ad on another site and I already have hopefully found someone who has similar interests and outlooks to me and we are hopefully going to start doing sessions soon!

 

[Dominantsub]

This is incredible. Thank you again for sharing. I am trying really hard to learn that going slowly can be incredibly arousing and patience is the key to improvement. I will definitely start breaking things down into smaller steps.

And for the record I didn't for a second think you were trying to encourage me to post pictures. I merely saw it as you giving a through answer to the question I asked, which was a random example of a small habit I could form to help me learn to let go more and more. I understand and appreciate Owena's concerns for me and think she brought up some great points, but her continued back and forth arguments are not necessary. The way you do things works for you and that is what matters. It's not for everyone and you recognize that.

I, again, really appreciate the advice you have given me and thank you again for being willing to share parts of your story with me. It has really helped and comforted me. It also gave me the courage to post an ad on another site and I already have hopefully found someone who has similar interests and outlooks to me and we are hopefully going to start doing sessions soon!

I am glad I could help. Congratulations and good luck with your new dynamic! I hope to hear more about your successes

 

[theobsessionqueen]

I am glad I could help. Congratulations and good luck with your new dynamic! I hope to hear more about your successes

We're going to do our first scene tomorrow night! Excited and nervous. Wish me luck!