Things submissive's Do That Turn Off Dominants

[Another sub]

Telling a Dominant You Have “No Limits”
Most Dominants I know are fairly sarcastic and willing to push a few buttons. Their response to the “I have no limits” statement is incredulous laughter, followed by a dare. Will you let them shit on your face, pee down your throat, or cut you with a knife? Sure, some people find that level of kink exciting, but it’s rare. Telling a Dominant you have “no limits” is a red flag that you’re either too desperate for a relationship or you have a hell of a lot to learn. Either way, it can be a turn off. You don’t have to be full of bravado with a new Dominant. And it’s perfectly okay to say, “I don’t know” when asked about your limits. If that person is right for you, they’ll work to figure out your limits, stay within your current limits and only later, try to push your boundaries.

Promising a Dominant You’ll “Do Anything” For Them
I think most of us have said this to a Dominant at some point or another. I admit that I have – now, after years of knowing John Brownstone and understanding our own limits. When I say “anything,” he knows I mean anything within the confines of what we’re both okay with. But when you’ve just met someone, don’t say you’ll do anything. You have no idea what a Dominant might ask of you.My Dominant friends usually ask (not seriously) if that particular submissive is willing to cut off their own finger for them. Be shocked, no one has taken them up on their offer. What you think “anything” means in terms of kink and D/s and what a Dominant thinks are probably two very different things. It’s another sign of desperation or a lack of education. Some Doms don’t mind teaching new submissive (many are willing, actually) but they’d like you to have a little common sense and a sense of self-preservation.

Submitting Too Soon
Some Dominants have a “test” for new-to-them submissive's. They’ll command them to do something – pick up a napkin that fell on the floor, drop something, throw something, whatever. They’re usually looking for two things when they do this – the immediate urge to do what you’re told and the backbone to tell a new-to-you Dominant “No.” Why should you refuse? Because this isn’t your Dominant, and they have zero right to command anything from you until it’s been discussed and agreed upon. Now, in fairness, this example is during a munch or some other social outing. If you’re on a date or your meeting someone in person for the first time, but you’ve already established a rapport or even a relationship online, this might not apply. But just because someone you met five minutes ago tries to order you around, doesn’t mean you’re required to do it.

Oh, and on a side note: when an online or in-person a Dominant tries to tell you that you’re not a real submissive because you’re not following their commands from the very first conversation, feel free to tell them to kiss your ass. I don’t care if the “order” is face-to-face at a munch or through a Facebook message, if you haven’t agreed to be in a relationship with them, you’re under no obligation to bend to their wishes just because they’ve given themselves the title of “Dominant.” You’re a sub, not their sub.
Everyone is different, and maybe some of these red flags aren’t all that bad – or you did them, and it turned out fine. Good for you. But this isn’t the case for all submissive's, and if you’re wondering where the decent Dominants are, make sure you’re not scaring them away by trying to be too submissive from the moment you meet. The good Dominants don’t want a doormat – they want a strong submissive who’s not so desperate for a Dominant that you’ll attach yourself to the first one you meet.

Credit: Kayla Lords

 

[piesocial]

I would add submissives who in great detail explain exactly what they're expecting you to do for them. It's always always something sexual in nature and communicates perfectly both desperation and that they likely will not follow through. They don't care at all about you and are completely inside of their own head. They're likely the type who would complain about how you did it.

These are likely the same submissives who end up just paying for the experience after spamming all dominants for weeks or months about the request.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Great post, thank you! I hope everyone reads this and has a good think about how they behave with others and in person.

 

[nina]

I agree with what has been said above and would like to add some based on my perspective however the below are merely my opinions and may not be true for all.

Even when in a committed but new relationship, submission takes time to be naturally given and if the sub shows over-submission this early, it does seem to be a roleplay rather than for real and is annoying, all relationships and bonds take time to form including a submissive and a dominant mindset.

The relationship basically being the dominant giving (orders/care etc) and the sub taking, this sometimes leads to the subs taking the dominant for granted and forgetting the fact that they are a person with emotions and not a dare giving or rule forming machine or venting pillow and this is putting off. I feel a sub should reciprocate the care and be grateful and appreciative for the efforts the dominant puts rather than burdening them with expectations.

Domination is a big responsibility and an investment of time and effort of the dom(me) in a sub and the sub should feel secure about the dom not leaving them at their whims and fancies unless they give reason to the sub to believe otherwise. Getting too possessive when your partner forms other friendships early on in an online relationship hinders growth. Trust takes time to build but raising doubts every time may make the dom(me) feel that their efforts aren't being recognised.

Lastly topping from the bottom and trying to manipulate the dom(me) or to tell (or demand to) the dom(me) exactly what they should do turns me off as it reduces the role of the dom(me) who should be the partner with an upper hand to a service provider meant to help you get off, of course this should not be confused with wanting a sub with no voice, inputs are required in the beginning and a lot also depends on how acquainted the sub and dom are with each other and their personal rapport and chemistry.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Lastly topping from the bottom and trying to manipulate the dom(me) or to tell (or demand to) the dom(me) exactly what they should do turns me off as it reduces the role of the dom(me) who should be the partner with an upper hand to a service provider meant to help you get off, of course this should not be confused with wanting a sub with no voice, inputs are required in the beginning and a lot also depends on how acquainted the sub and dom are with each other and their personal rapport and chemistry.

This is something I see quite a lot and it always makes me smile, someone who posts a long list of exactly what they want to happen, where and when etc. I really don't see the point if the sub is directing the traffic, lol...

 

[piesocial]

That can be easily misread though. It's possible the sub is just trying to communicate what they think about, especially on a web forum or over the internet, the inflection behind the text is often invisible. It should be expected that the sub has kinks of one sort or another. Maybe they just haven't found a way to communicate very effectively what they're talking about.

Actually I'm a bit at a loss for what subs should talk about in their opener. Ideally it'd be more about trying to get to know the potential dominant. This is damaged in some amount by the number of financial/pro dommes that are out there. I think they sow confusion by demanding submission immediately, and demanding to know what the submissive wants immediately. That's probably part of the issue.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Yes agreed, there is a line though between being clear about your likes and describing a detailed scene where the dom is supposed to just fill in a few details but stick to the sub's script. Things like, "I'm looking for a dom who will tie me up and play with my tits then paddle my ass before fucking me silly", no real doubt about who is giving the orders right? I mean a masochistic Domme could order her male sub to do that to her, D/s isn't about who is getting what done its about who is in charge of what happens.
Honestly for me the most useful opening posts or messages are the ones that contain information about the sub, background, experience (having none isn't a problem but it needs to be known), physical ability and fitness level, living situation and being up front about how much actual time you have to give. Often subs seem to think they need to commit 24/7 to snag a dom but the reality is we're busy people too and have lots of normal, everyday things to do as well.
And this is where my advice (given plenty of times elsewhere) about posting lots so people get to know you and what you are like before that first message is even sent comes in. This is especially helpful in regards to the findoms, if you wait a while to see what kind of posts they make, or if they get banned it will save you that nasty experience. A decent dom is not impressed by the first to message them, hasty often = needy and thats a big turn off for most. So rushing a quick message to a newly registered dom will most likely not help you find someone, in fact it could put them off. Which brings us neatly back to the topic!

 

[dearelliot]

I'm a male submissive to females for sexual pleasure only. I enjoy role playing, I am not really submissive! If you call me to bring over my car so you can use it for a while, Nope! Nor will I come over and wash your windows. I would imagine there are not to many "Real life subs" who will donate their time and money to another person just cause they like them, that is called marriage and I do that for my wife. I would think finding a true Sub who donates to you could be an interesting find, but I wonder if you don't have to be careful about what you wish for.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

I'm a male submissive to females for sexual pleasure only. I enjoy role playing, I am not really submissive! If you call me to bring over my car so you can use it for a while, Nope! Nor will I come over and wash your windows. I would imagine there are not to many "Real life subs" who will donate their time and money to another person just cause they like them, that is called marriage and I do that for my wife. I would think finding a true Sub who donates to you could be an interesting find, but I wonder if you don't have to be careful about what you wish for.

I guess this is something else that I find a problem, what you're describing is how I define the difference between a sub and a slave. A slave is that 24/7 do anything and everything type regardless of whether that is a domestic task or a kinky/sexual one. Submissives on the other hand enjoy submitting generally for kinky/sexual activities, what are mostly referred to as bedroom submissives. Of course there are naturally submissive people who tend comply with whatever they are told and do get taken advantage of especially in domestic situations.
So where I find this distinction really annoying is when someone describes themselves as seeking 24/7 TPE (total power exchange, for those wondering) and then they are almost never available.
Which brings us back to the topic of things that turn off Doms, don't make out you are available all the time if you're not. All that does is create frustration at unanswered messages, being honest about how much time you have will lead to trust which is the only way a relationship will build.
If 24/7 TPE is your fantasy or something you'd like to discuss or explore make that clear, many Doms will be happy to chat about it just as long as they are clear about your actual intention.

 

[dearelliot]

I guess this is something else that I find a problem, what you're describing is how I define the difference between a sub and a slave. A slave is that 24/7 do anything and everything type regardless of whether that is a domestic task or a kinky/sexual one. Submissives on the other hand enjoy submitting generally for kinky/sexual activities, what are mostly referred to as bedroom submissives. Of course there are naturally submissive people who tend comply with whatever they are told and do get taken advantage of especially in domestic situations.
So where I find this distinction really annoying is when someone describes themselves as seeking 24/7 TPE (total power exchange, for those wondering) and then they are almost never available.
Which brings us back to the topic of things that turn off Doms, don't make out you are available all the time if you're not. All that does is create frustration at unanswered messages, being honest about how much time you have will lead to trust which is the only way a relationship will build.
If 24/7 TPE is your fantasy or something you'd like to discuss or explore make that clear, many Doms will be happy to chat about it just as long as they are clear about your actual intention.

I wonder if there are many True Slaves 24/7 as you describe? I'm just ask thinking about how that persons fares in these relationships, that persons welfare (out of marriage), and how fragile a person that might be.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

I wonder if there are many True Slaves 24/7 as you describe? I'm just ask thinking about how that persons fares in these relationships, that persons welfare (out of marriage), and how fragile a person that might be.

Its pretty uncommon, I only know one couple who do. They have been married almost 20 years now and she is his full time domestic slave as well as his bdsm toy. Not surprisingly they don't have kids but they do live a mostly "normal" life to all external appearances. They have an extensive cellar that serves as play dungeon while the rest of the home looks like any other. As you might expect most of their friends are in the bdsm community so she gets plenty of interaction with others and seems totally devoted to him and her role.
As to whether this would survive without that underlying love and bond they have (be it marriage or something similar) I doubt it.

 

[dearelliot]

As for wives, yes I can see that. I know or rather knew a woman, some years back, she is older, maybe late 70s now. She was his total slave. She had to ask permission to pee and on occasion he refused to give it to her and she would be punished for wetting the floor. She was called "A cum bucket" and was used by his friends as he wished. Last I heard from her he was in a wheel chair from illness.

 

[nina]

I would add submissives who in great detail explain exactly what they're expecting you to do for them. It's always always something sexual in nature and communicates perfectly both desperation and that they likely will not follow through. They don't care at all about you and are completely inside of their own head. They're likely the type who would complain about how you did it.

These are likely the same submissives who end up just paying for the experience after spamming all dominants for weeks or months about the request.

I agree with what has been said above and would like to add some based on my perspective however the below are merely my opinions and may not be true for all.
.
.
.
Lastly topping from the bottom and trying to manipulate the dom(me) or to tell (or demand to) the dom(me) exactly what they should do turns me off as it reduces the role of the dom(me) who should be the partner with an upper hand to a service provider meant to help you get off, of course this should not be confused with wanting a sub with no voice, inputs are required in the beginning and a lot also depends on how acquainted the sub and dom are with each other and their personal rapport and chemistry.

This is something I see quite a lot and it always makes me smile, someone who posts a long list of exactly what they want to happen, where and when etc. I really don't see the point if the sub is directing the traffic, lol...

That can be easily misread though. It's possible the sub is just trying to communicate what they think about, especially on a web forum or over the internet, the inflection behind the text is often invisible. It should be expected that the sub has kinks of one sort or another. Maybe they just haven't found a way to communicate very effectively what they're talking about.

Yes, communication is very important for a D/s dynamic to be successful, I feel domination and submission are two interdependent concepts and if the sub doesn't feel or benefit from the dynamic positively or is suppressed in any way, then the D/s is futile for a Dominant too (i.e. it is either a win-win or a lose-lose and never a win-lose else it is just using/exploiting someone and not a mutual consensual healthy D/s). @droptokon is right in saying that I was talking about certain special cases of topping from the bottom where the sub exactly describes how everything should be done and the underlying message more or less resonates with what you say in your first post here.

I, being an organisation freak personally distinguish the relationship aspect between two individuals from the control aspect, and tend to communicate in the capacity of a (equal) friend extensively with my sub and even before considering someone as a potential sub. I also always promote the sub keeping a journal where they write all their thoughts irrespective of whether they are synchronised with mine or not. So the kind of D/s I generally have is actually a friendship with a control aspect and the extensive (bi-directional) communication done as friends formulates the basis of info (including info on kinks, curiosities and concerns) for the control structure I implement. And I feel the online format is much safer for the sub play-session wise as they are still in control of the scene due to limitations of distance and can exercise their discretion circumstantially, however discussing the kink tasks and concerns of the sub and making sure all safety precautions have been taken before a task (with the provision of safe-words if something goes wrong during) is of prime importance even though I only indulge in light play and feedbacks, review and adaptation of the system is a constant process for a sustainable dynamic.

In a nutshell a simple geeky way to explain my system is to procure information about the sub from them directly (like chats, journal, friendly banter etc) as well as from my carefully contemplated observations (I was recently described by my sub as very perceptive and I can't disagree..lol) about them and make informed decisions which would enable both of us to enjoy a healthy dynamic. That is why I would list sound judgement, inclusive leadership and clear intent as some of the top qualities a Dom(me) should have to be able to win the trust of a rational sub. Again these are just my personal thoughts, limited in scope to my experiences and observations, and subject to change as I continue to explore things and like I said above, may not apply to all universally.

The reason I elaborated above was to show via an example how a (experienced) dominant can make up for a (new) sub's inability to communicate effectively, by investing more time and energy into communicating with the sub and providing a structure to the sub which promotes healthy open communication between the two and still have (safe) play sessions and controls that are suitable for the sub without letting the sub directly control the play.

I am glad that you also bring to light how things get easily misread and I could not agree more as this is a common issue across forums/sites with the advent of internet and social media. However, at times I find it also happens deliberately due to "selective" reading of parts of a post only and adding the readers own confirmation biases and preconceived notions about the OP or their post specially in cases where the context/scope/application/exceptions has been elaborated by the OP in the adjoining text and then the onus of misreading shouldn't lie with the OP imo.

I'm a male submissive to females for sexual pleasure only. I enjoy role playing, I am not really submissive!

I generally associate Dominance to the mental control aspect which generally extends beyond the scene even in part time D/s dynamics. And if it is just that one enjoys bottoming for a kink play session I would describe it as a Top-bottom session which may or may not also involve a D/s dynamic, again just my opinion. Also there are various types of subs and slaves in D/s like droptokon mentioned.

Which brings us back to the topic of things that turn off Doms, don't make out you are available all the time if you're not. All that does is create frustration at unanswered messages, being honest about how much time you have will lead to trust which is the only way a relationship will build.
If 24/7 TPE is your fantasy or something you'd like to discuss or explore make that clear, many Doms will be happy to chat about it just as long as they are clear about your actual intention.

Doc, you mention about another important aspect, that is PACE at which a D/s dynamic should move which is mutual to both/all in any dynamic and makes neither feel ignored nor overwhelmed. This to me is also an aspect of (logistical) compatibility.

I know my post is already too long..lol but would add one last point (actually part of my fourth point only) as it occurred to me, sometimes subs have their own assumptions of what a Dom(me) might prefer which may not be true for the dominant, for example if you give a pain task to a sub where you intend that the sub feels only 'x' amount of pain so that they experience painful pleasure, but the sub thinking the Dominant will be happy if they alter/intensify the task and make it 2 times 'x' painful such that there is no scope that it is pleasurable any more. Here it is possible that there is some genuine communication gap regarding preferences of both and communication can solve this issue and isn't irritating. It is also possible that in LDR mode only the sub is physically present to do the task and feel modifications are necessary to achieve the intended purpose/spirit of the task etc which is acceptable and appreciated too. However barring these exceptions and sometimes (or rather some subs) even after explaining to them may tend to repeat adding things/pain to make it more and more difficult for themselves knowing clearly that the dom(me) did not intend that. Personally I as a dominant in such a situation would be annoyed and maybe even think they are just desperate to be 'punished' (read as 'get off on their own terms fantasizing more pain and extreme things'). Note that I am not talking about sub drop (which subs should definitely discuss with the dominant in case that happens) here but rather bratty behaviour.

PS: I am saying all these things now but in hindsight I realise I have made some of these mistakes as a sub myself when I was new

 

[nina]

Actually I'm a bit at a loss for what subs should talk about in their opener. Ideally it'd be more about trying to get to know the potential dominant. This is damaged in some amount by the number of financial/pro dommes that are out there. I think they sow confusion by demanding submission immediately, and demanding to know what the submissive wants immediately. That's probably part of the issue.

I hope I am not digressing the thread but missed to respond to this in my previous post. I agree with you that knowing the dominant as a person is really important to know if they are sane and genuine and have compatible qualities that would enable you to trust them and submit to them. The type of dommes or domination you describe above does not corroborate with my understanding of domination as I, without knowing the sub for at least a couple of weeks will be at a loss to know what tasks to give or controls to enforce that would be effective for that sub. So I generally refrain from posting ads and all my past and present dynamics are generally with selective friends that I find compatible as I cannot imagine a dynamic and care for someone to that extent if it is not founded on a solid base of friendship. But I also understand guys have a more difficult time finding kink partners than girls do and often need to be more visible, so good luck