Lately there have been a number of posts discussing various fantasy situations along with ideas and arguments about how to make them real. So what's this all about, do fantasies really translate to reality? It's complicated.
Psychologists agree that everyone has fantasies, it's a normal and expected part of the human psyche so stop thinking you're a weirdo when you fantasize about something or someone. The types and kinks involved are almost endless, in fact you can almost be certain you're not the only one thinking those perverse things, we all do.
First off lets look at the 3 basic categories of sexual fantasies, this is how psychologists break them up.
Next the psychologists list the top most common fantasies based on research which is basically polls asking questions, so you can take these results as you will but they seem to be mostly logical and believable.
So what does it take to move a fantasy from one level to another, to bring it out of the vault and discuss it with someone, or to shift from talking about it to doing it? Most of the time there are a couple of factors that play the biggest roles, practicality and legality which I'll lump together for now but also your own personal moral code. Morality is for most people a dynamically shifting thing, we all start out with our compass mostly set by our upbringing, toss most of that out during our teens and then regain it slowly in our 20's in a more considered manner.
This changes how we think about various kinks and fetishes a huge amount so will often be the most influential in moving your fantasies around in your head. So don't worry that that fantasy you had involving 3 of your cousins when you were 15 is still lurking in the vault, that's how we keep ourselves under control. And lets be very clear, you don't decide to have fantasies, they come to you in the same way dreams do. It's not "your fault" if you think inappropriate things, that's just your brain being an asshole and messing with you.
When it comes to moving a fantasy out of the talking about phase and into reality things get a bit more complicated. In many ways once you start talking about it, it means you have accepted it enough to share with someone else. Whether or not your fantasy is practical is often where things come unstuck, a threesome with your favorite celebrities is more than likely going to forever be a fantasy, if it's with someone you know then it might work. But what if your fantasy is in a grey area, what if it's illegal or at least based on an illegal activity?
One of the biggest advantages of fantasy over reality is that you get all the good bits and skip all the bad bits. Going back to the "3 cousins" analogy, you can fantasize about that and not have to worry about your uncle hunting you down with his shotgun. And this is where a lot of rape and kidnapping type fantasies get into trouble, to move it from fantasy to reality you have to somehow discard all the "bad bits". In practice this means making sure everyone involved understands what's going on and is willingly, enthusiastically consenting to it. So you can't allow what you do to impinge on anyone else not privy to your fantasy setup. This also makes sense legally because in many places the law does not discriminate between mock and real rape or kidnapping. If you get caught doing these things you will have at a minimum a lot of explaining to do and quite possibly be arrested.
It goes without saying that actual illegal fantasies need to stay in your head, or in discussions with others as long as everyone is aware that it is fantasy only. This I see often overlooked in discussions online, people stray into fantasy without indicating that fact. This can be confusing and disconcerting to others, and yes I know it's a game some people play, they want to see the reaction, stir some outrage. We all have some darkness lurking inside, the time you wanted to run down the traffic cop who stopped you, or rape the teacher who failed you. Things you feel disgusted with yourself for thinking, and tuck away in the vault. Your brain really is an asshole at times.
But this is how we cope, how we get through life without killing and raping every time we encounter someone we don't like. We can pigeonhole those thoughts, your animal instinct is under control so you might think it but then your higher self reins it in. So it is with those more extreme fantasies, they might be there but you can control where they sit in your hierarchy.
Having fantasies is normal, having really dark disturbing fantasies is also normal. Don't let your fantasies make you feel bad, talk about them if you can, here especially as you'll find many who share your fantasies too. But also be wary of promises to make your fantasy real, it might be possible but it could turn out nothing like you expected and it might not be worth spoiling a really good fantasy.
Psychologists agree that everyone has fantasies, it's a normal and expected part of the human psyche so stop thinking you're a weirdo when you fantasize about something or someone. The types and kinks involved are almost endless, in fact you can almost be certain you're not the only one thinking those perverse things, we all do.
First off lets look at the 3 basic categories of sexual fantasies, this is how psychologists break them up.
- Deep, dark fantasies we keep totally to ourselves.
- The ones we talk about and share with others, such as here or with a sex partner.
- And the ones we act on.
Next the psychologists list the top most common fantasies based on research which is basically polls asking questions, so you can take these results as you will but they seem to be mostly logical and believable.
- The most common fantasy for both men and women is, multi partner sex. The venerable threesome (or more) in it's various combinations sits as something almost everyone has at one time or another. This could be purely hypothetical but most often it is with a known person or persons. So coworkers is the most common here but also inlaws makes honorable mention as well. Now for us this is most likely a bit too vanilla, what's next?
- Well at number two, BDSM kink. Yep, a huge number of people harbor some sort of BDSM related fantasy, be that anything from bondage, to spanking, rough sex, and so on. It also includes what gets called "mock rape" for CNC type scenarios.
- Three is unusual places, outdoor, and other public type sex. Risky sex and unusual locations is high up the list, seems we like to show off or at least tempt fate in that regard. Some of this is what we call hidden public, sex in the change rooms or public restrooms, but also this can be sex on the kitchen table or in the car so it's a wide gamut of possible scenarios.
- Number four, is cheating, cuckolding, affairs and all kinds of non-monogamous activities such as swinging. Again a broad group encompassing a lot but you can sort of see why they get grouped together like this.
- Taboo themes. Often the discussion around this gets very coy in journals and research but this is where the stuff "we don't talk about" happens. Yes, piss and shit, diapers, age play, bestiality but also stuff like sniffing farts and licking armpits. Anything you just know would stop dinner conversation.
- Curiously at number six is simple romance, being wined and dined, a slow walk hand in hand along the Parisian streets, being admired and nurtured.
- And last but by no means least is gender games, cross dressing, but also just tossing out gender roles entirely and going with the flow.
So what does it take to move a fantasy from one level to another, to bring it out of the vault and discuss it with someone, or to shift from talking about it to doing it? Most of the time there are a couple of factors that play the biggest roles, practicality and legality which I'll lump together for now but also your own personal moral code. Morality is for most people a dynamically shifting thing, we all start out with our compass mostly set by our upbringing, toss most of that out during our teens and then regain it slowly in our 20's in a more considered manner.
This changes how we think about various kinks and fetishes a huge amount so will often be the most influential in moving your fantasies around in your head. So don't worry that that fantasy you had involving 3 of your cousins when you were 15 is still lurking in the vault, that's how we keep ourselves under control. And lets be very clear, you don't decide to have fantasies, they come to you in the same way dreams do. It's not "your fault" if you think inappropriate things, that's just your brain being an asshole and messing with you.
When it comes to moving a fantasy out of the talking about phase and into reality things get a bit more complicated. In many ways once you start talking about it, it means you have accepted it enough to share with someone else. Whether or not your fantasy is practical is often where things come unstuck, a threesome with your favorite celebrities is more than likely going to forever be a fantasy, if it's with someone you know then it might work. But what if your fantasy is in a grey area, what if it's illegal or at least based on an illegal activity?
One of the biggest advantages of fantasy over reality is that you get all the good bits and skip all the bad bits. Going back to the "3 cousins" analogy, you can fantasize about that and not have to worry about your uncle hunting you down with his shotgun. And this is where a lot of rape and kidnapping type fantasies get into trouble, to move it from fantasy to reality you have to somehow discard all the "bad bits". In practice this means making sure everyone involved understands what's going on and is willingly, enthusiastically consenting to it. So you can't allow what you do to impinge on anyone else not privy to your fantasy setup. This also makes sense legally because in many places the law does not discriminate between mock and real rape or kidnapping. If you get caught doing these things you will have at a minimum a lot of explaining to do and quite possibly be arrested.
It goes without saying that actual illegal fantasies need to stay in your head, or in discussions with others as long as everyone is aware that it is fantasy only. This I see often overlooked in discussions online, people stray into fantasy without indicating that fact. This can be confusing and disconcerting to others, and yes I know it's a game some people play, they want to see the reaction, stir some outrage. We all have some darkness lurking inside, the time you wanted to run down the traffic cop who stopped you, or rape the teacher who failed you. Things you feel disgusted with yourself for thinking, and tuck away in the vault. Your brain really is an asshole at times.
But this is how we cope, how we get through life without killing and raping every time we encounter someone we don't like. We can pigeonhole those thoughts, your animal instinct is under control so you might think it but then your higher self reins it in. So it is with those more extreme fantasies, they might be there but you can control where they sit in your hierarchy.
Having fantasies is normal, having really dark disturbing fantasies is also normal. Don't let your fantasies make you feel bad, talk about them if you can, here especially as you'll find many who share your fantasies too. But also be wary of promises to make your fantasy real, it might be possible but it could turn out nothing like you expected and it might not be worth spoiling a really good fantasy.
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