Hi,
New here, but not to the lifestyle. I was wondering if anybody has experienced this or has any advice?
A number of years ago, I finally took the first step into learning more about the lifestyle which for me at the time, was doing online research and I had joined a forum much like this one to talk to like-minded people in the community and decide once and for all if this was for me.
I wasn't sure what I identified with back then, only that I had some kinks and was becoming more and more intrigued by the non-sexual aspects such as protocol, rules etc. I can pretty much place that down to what was then my current day job of running conferences and events so structure and the "little details' were kind of my thing. I quickly discovered that with my personality traits, finding out more about what a sub is, I identified with the role almost immediately. The problem was, however, I was afraid to take the next step in that direction until I got talking to a Dom who in the end became a sort of mentor for me.
Six months later, I felt I was sure that the submissive role was something I wanted to pursue even if only part-time. My mentor could see I was beginning to question some things, and I opened up to him about how I felt a little trapped moving forward as I knew it had to be in secret due to my family, friends, the day job. If this got out publicly, they would cut me out of their lives - at least my family would have. My mentor told me something that I wasn't quite sure of back then, but am starting to see the truth in it now. He said that if this truly is a part of me, then I won't be able to deny it. I can try to suppress the feelings but at the end of the day, I would come back to face this as it was a part of who I am and he was not wrong.
Shortly after my mentor and I parted ways, I had an encounter at my job that left me questioning even more about myself. A co-worker tried asking me out, and I politely declined only to realise he wasn't going to give up anytime soon despite my saying no. There was something about the way that he was so sure of himself and wanting that date with me that I felt a little intimidated. Eventually, he came up to me and said discreetly that he wasn't mainstream and he was certain I wasn't either. I remember my face instantly turning red but what got me the most was how did he know? I assumed he meant this lifestyle but tried telling myself there's no way he could spot me in that light until he made it clear and asked me if I was aware of BDSM and what it was. Nothing happened between us because I basically got scared and wondered if it was that obvious that I was submissive. Again, I started questioning things and mostly because of my upbringing, was questioning whether it was okay to have this side of myself or to even want for this to play a part in my life.
Fast-forwarding a few years on, and I was in my first real D/s relationship. A real one with rules, protocol, scenes, and of course a Dom to who I was owned by. Things were going good until we had the this is getting serious conversation and I found out that whilst I wanted marriage and a family, he only wanted marriage. I tried to hide my feelings of wanting a child of my own saying that yes, that's how I felt in the past but now things were different or at least I tried convincing myself they were. Things were going great between us even though I felt like I was hiding a whole side of my life away from those close to me. They knew we were in a relationship, just not that he was my Dominant. We were 24/7 at the time, although we made time for romantic things like watching a movie together or a special date night. As things got more serious a couple of years later, he started discussing with me what life would be like should we move in together. Upon finding out what was expected of me such as how I was to act when guests came over including his family, I was starting to wonder if 24/7 was really for me. Sometime after, our relationship came to an end and due to life circumstances, I took a break from any kind of relationship.
A couple of years after that (yes, I know it was a while) I felt ready to date again and that's when I got into a relationship with somebody new, accept he was Vanilla and knew hardly anything about the lifestyle. I assumed this would be okay and considering that I was unsure about the 24/7, that maybe it was time to let go of the submissive me and just focus on a relationship where I could have the possible marriage and kids (and yes, I do realise there are D/s couples who are married and have kids and make it work). As nice as the relationship seemed to be, I started craving his Dominance and being that if he was going to be anything, sub seemed more like it, I started feeling unsatisfied. I decided to bring this up in conversation with him and he said he would give it a try. We started out with Domming in the bedroom which was..okay but I felt like I was topping from the bottom. I knew this would have to be this way until he gained more confidence assuming he decided he was comfortable filling that role. But as I mentioned above, it's not just the sex side of things that I enjoy, it's the structure, the protocol, the etiquette and so on, and I knew that he would not be able to offer me this kind of Dominance. But I also knew, I didn't want to go full 24/7 again. The issue arose that he made it clear that he wasn't really interested in making the effort to learn all the ins and outs of being a Dom - he didn't even really want to know the safety the aftercare (which is so important!!!) so in the end, we broke up. Not just because of that, there were other major reasons, but I just felt like I was always the one initiating things and I figured by now he would have started taking the lead a bit more. He never quite understood my need to have somebody be that way with me especially outside the bedroom. For instance, how good it feels to be curled up in a Doms lap collar on, knowing that you are safe, loved and protected.
So here's the thing. I don't want a 24/7, I don't want full Vanilla and yes while I know I could eventually and potentially find somebody who's after the same thing, I feel confused for now as to how to proceed for my next relationship. Do I look within the lifestyle, do I hope to meet somebody out? Do I wait for him to find me? I don't mind being a little patient if it gets me Mr Right, but I am struggling to be alone and not having the little Dom things I miss like somebody looking out for me, hearing those strong words, feeling the satisfaction both sexually and non sexually. It's even gotten me watching fifty shades and I HATE fifty shades (we all know why lol.) The mentor I had was right, I can't deny this part of myself but I question how to do move forward.
Any thoughts, experiences or comments?
Thanks.
New here, but not to the lifestyle. I was wondering if anybody has experienced this or has any advice?
A number of years ago, I finally took the first step into learning more about the lifestyle which for me at the time, was doing online research and I had joined a forum much like this one to talk to like-minded people in the community and decide once and for all if this was for me.
I wasn't sure what I identified with back then, only that I had some kinks and was becoming more and more intrigued by the non-sexual aspects such as protocol, rules etc. I can pretty much place that down to what was then my current day job of running conferences and events so structure and the "little details' were kind of my thing. I quickly discovered that with my personality traits, finding out more about what a sub is, I identified with the role almost immediately. The problem was, however, I was afraid to take the next step in that direction until I got talking to a Dom who in the end became a sort of mentor for me.
Six months later, I felt I was sure that the submissive role was something I wanted to pursue even if only part-time. My mentor could see I was beginning to question some things, and I opened up to him about how I felt a little trapped moving forward as I knew it had to be in secret due to my family, friends, the day job. If this got out publicly, they would cut me out of their lives - at least my family would have. My mentor told me something that I wasn't quite sure of back then, but am starting to see the truth in it now. He said that if this truly is a part of me, then I won't be able to deny it. I can try to suppress the feelings but at the end of the day, I would come back to face this as it was a part of who I am and he was not wrong.
Shortly after my mentor and I parted ways, I had an encounter at my job that left me questioning even more about myself. A co-worker tried asking me out, and I politely declined only to realise he wasn't going to give up anytime soon despite my saying no. There was something about the way that he was so sure of himself and wanting that date with me that I felt a little intimidated. Eventually, he came up to me and said discreetly that he wasn't mainstream and he was certain I wasn't either. I remember my face instantly turning red but what got me the most was how did he know? I assumed he meant this lifestyle but tried telling myself there's no way he could spot me in that light until he made it clear and asked me if I was aware of BDSM and what it was. Nothing happened between us because I basically got scared and wondered if it was that obvious that I was submissive. Again, I started questioning things and mostly because of my upbringing, was questioning whether it was okay to have this side of myself or to even want for this to play a part in my life.
Fast-forwarding a few years on, and I was in my first real D/s relationship. A real one with rules, protocol, scenes, and of course a Dom to who I was owned by. Things were going good until we had the this is getting serious conversation and I found out that whilst I wanted marriage and a family, he only wanted marriage. I tried to hide my feelings of wanting a child of my own saying that yes, that's how I felt in the past but now things were different or at least I tried convincing myself they were. Things were going great between us even though I felt like I was hiding a whole side of my life away from those close to me. They knew we were in a relationship, just not that he was my Dominant. We were 24/7 at the time, although we made time for romantic things like watching a movie together or a special date night. As things got more serious a couple of years later, he started discussing with me what life would be like should we move in together. Upon finding out what was expected of me such as how I was to act when guests came over including his family, I was starting to wonder if 24/7 was really for me. Sometime after, our relationship came to an end and due to life circumstances, I took a break from any kind of relationship.
A couple of years after that (yes, I know it was a while) I felt ready to date again and that's when I got into a relationship with somebody new, accept he was Vanilla and knew hardly anything about the lifestyle. I assumed this would be okay and considering that I was unsure about the 24/7, that maybe it was time to let go of the submissive me and just focus on a relationship where I could have the possible marriage and kids (and yes, I do realise there are D/s couples who are married and have kids and make it work). As nice as the relationship seemed to be, I started craving his Dominance and being that if he was going to be anything, sub seemed more like it, I started feeling unsatisfied. I decided to bring this up in conversation with him and he said he would give it a try. We started out with Domming in the bedroom which was..okay but I felt like I was topping from the bottom. I knew this would have to be this way until he gained more confidence assuming he decided he was comfortable filling that role. But as I mentioned above, it's not just the sex side of things that I enjoy, it's the structure, the protocol, the etiquette and so on, and I knew that he would not be able to offer me this kind of Dominance. But I also knew, I didn't want to go full 24/7 again. The issue arose that he made it clear that he wasn't really interested in making the effort to learn all the ins and outs of being a Dom - he didn't even really want to know the safety the aftercare (which is so important!!!) so in the end, we broke up. Not just because of that, there were other major reasons, but I just felt like I was always the one initiating things and I figured by now he would have started taking the lead a bit more. He never quite understood my need to have somebody be that way with me especially outside the bedroom. For instance, how good it feels to be curled up in a Doms lap collar on, knowing that you are safe, loved and protected.
So here's the thing. I don't want a 24/7, I don't want full Vanilla and yes while I know I could eventually and potentially find somebody who's after the same thing, I feel confused for now as to how to proceed for my next relationship. Do I look within the lifestyle, do I hope to meet somebody out? Do I wait for him to find me? I don't mind being a little patient if it gets me Mr Right, but I am struggling to be alone and not having the little Dom things I miss like somebody looking out for me, hearing those strong words, feeling the satisfaction both sexually and non sexually. It's even gotten me watching fifty shades and I HATE fifty shades (we all know why lol.) The mentor I had was right, I can't deny this part of myself but I question how to do move forward.
Any thoughts, experiences or comments?
Thanks.
