Why did you become interested in BDSM or other kinky sex?

[Truthfully]

Which reason led you to try BDSM or other kinky sex for the first time ever?

I give some possible suggestions here. Maybe your reason is one of these, or many of these, or something completely else:

A) I was totally bored with ordinary sex, I desperately needed something new in my sex life.

B) I was totally bored with the body of my partner, he/she was not sexy any more.

C) My genitals did not respond very strongly to ordinary sex. Kinky sex solved this problem, by targeting different physical organs in the body, where new sources of pleasure were available.

D) My brain and emotions did not respond very strongly to ordinary sex. Kinky sex solved this problem, by targeting different mental phenomenons, where new sources of pleasure were available.

E) None of the above: ordinary sex was perfectly fine too. I went kinky out of curiosity, not to escape the uselessness of ordinary sex.

It would be great if you also mention your gender -- as some of these reasons might be more typical for men than women, or vice versa.

 

[Kinkysob]

Just before hitting my teenage years my mother bought a pack of playing cards of naked men. I wanted to see how I stacked up so while she was out I looked through them. I stumbled across two cards that had a guy tied up with a rope tied from his feet to his balls. So started my path into self bondage and cbt. I then found an old porno magazine with a story about a guy being tied up by a mistress and having weights hung on his balls. Instant erection. That was 35+ years ago. Way before internet. Nobody talked about that sort of thing. I would aggravate the girls at school do that they would retaliate. The little bullying that ensued was a huge turn on.
So here I am now. Married to a submissive, brat, rope bunny. My wife was very surprised to find out that I am a switch, with a preference for the submissive side. She is trying to be more accommodating. She even bought a prostate massager that she will use on me every couple of weeks and clover nipple clamps. Heavenly while it lasts.

 

[Truthfully]

a prostate massager that she will use on me every couple of weeks

Is there a reason, why the frequency of using a prostate massager is once per a couple of weeks? Too much trouble vs. benefit, so you don't bother more often? A rare luxury?

 

[subbysecret]

To be honest, I can't remember a time when I wasn't kinky. I used to like playing in woods or walking home after dark with my cock out, pressing it against things in the woods or when I was alone in a classroom at school... My first memory of masturbation is around five years old, I was obsessed with bikini girls using wet playground equipment after it had rained and stepping in puddles barefoot. At some point that escalated to liking women tied up or in peril... In the UK Saturday morning kids TV had plenty of gunge and one of the shows had a gameshow called "It's Torture" which fueled further fantasies. In my teens I had a rattan chair in my bedroom and lots of spare shoelaces and enjoyed tying my dick to it... Later in my teens I became more firmly dominant and in my 20's that exploded when I got my house and my own internet connection... In my late twenties, I began getting switchy and interested in tying up my cock again. I'm not sure where cross dressing and sissification fantasies came from and these days I swing between dominant and submissive seemingly daily

 

[Kinkysob]

Is there a reason, why the frequency of using a prostate massager is once per a couple of weeks? Too much trouble vs. benefit, so you don't bother more often? A rare luxury?

My wife is submissive in our relationship. So it a rare luxury when she wants to adopt a dominant role.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Which reason led you to try BDSM or other kinky sex for the first time ever?

This is a good question that seems to have kicked off some good discussion, however I think your list of reasons could be a bit misleading or at least off target for many.

As a couple of the responses have already mentioned, most commonly the love of kinky things seems to be ingrained and so your question is really asking, what first made you act on your inner kinkiness?

Personally I suspect that pretty nearly everyone harbors some kink but for many (most?) that remains shut away, a prisoner of the guilt brought about by societal norms. If anyone wants to read my thoughts on this guilt and ways to deal with it, as well as my thoughts on psychology's role in this check out my recent post.

Dealing with guilt

Do you feel guilty about your love of kink, maybe you feel embarrassed about it, does it feel wrong, like you shouldn't be doing it or even thinking about it? This is a topic I've been meaning to look at for quite some time, and a few recent chats with people have brought it back to my attention...

www.kinktalk.com

And I don't think everyone necessarily equates kink with sex all the time, for some they can arrive there from another direction. Of course then there comes the whole can of worms as to what is kinky anyway? What one person thinks is kink is just ho hum for someone else.

I won't detail my kink history here as it's well documented in other threads, suffice to say I was one of those kids who loved playing cowboys and Indians and oddly enough, it always seemed to be my sister and her friends that ended up tied to a tree...

 

[Truthfully]

your question is really asking, what first made you act on your inner kinkiness?

...

And I don't think everyone necessarily equates kink with sex all the time, for some they can arrive there from another direction. Of course then there comes the whole can of worms as to what is kinky anyway? What one person thinks is kink is just ho hum for someone else.

The question does mention acting on "other psychological processes", which is a reference to phenomenons that exist and are just taken into use.

As for "necessarily equates kink with sex all the time", I like this question, and would like to hear more of your thoughts on this. If the thinking goes that instead of (or in addition to) the most ordinary actions and processes of sexuality, kinky people act on "other psychological or physical processes" too, a philosophical question arises, whether these other processes are fundamentally "sexual", or just "other", something else than sexual. Especially if done separately from ordinary sexual actions -- maybe without achieving erection or sexual excitement. When done together with ordinary sexual actions, then it becomes a matter of how one wants to categorize it, something added to sexuality and part of it, or something done parallel with the sexual process.

These "other processes" create strong feelings, but is the strength of a feeling a reason for calling it a "sexual" feeling? Any thoughts on this, or links to already chewed-up thoughts, are welcome.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

I like this question, and would like to hear more of your thoughts on this.

Well you could check this thread for starters.

Non sexual bdsm

A lot of attention is focused on the sexual aspects of bdsm both here and in many other forums but I am curious to know how widespread the non sexual aspects of this are among our members. Mostly these involve submission sometimes humiliation and often pain too but are not focused on tits or...

www.kinktalk.com

In a nutshell the discussion covers a variety of non sexual bdsm methods and concepts such as in D/s relationships and how for some this is the more important aspect.
I've also previously discussed fetish wear and how this can be entirely non sexual, some people simply love the look or feel. It may or may not be incorporated into their sex life, for them they were attracted to this kink via an alternate route.
This whole idea is pretty much unknown outside of kink circles, most of the vanilla world judges the book by it's cover. I've known more than a few cross dressers who only enjoy it outside of the bedroom, it's not part of their sex life but they love dressing up, some do drag shows as well and that's where it ends.

Bondage is another that I've found quite a few people who love it more for the technical skills and rope work, it often is something they will incorporate sexually as well but it's not primarily a sex kink for them.

And there are a bunch of others too, what's kinky really does depend on who you ask and where/when in their life journey you ask it. I don't consider it to a black and white thing anyway, it's much more of a spectrum, a sliding scale which alters depending on your vantage point and perspective.

 

[Truthfully]

I won't detail my kink history here as it's well documented in other threads

A link to such a thread would be of interest.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

It's not all on topic but I think this covers a lot of it.

Who is this guy?

Ok so I have had several recent inquiries asking various questions about who Dr Optokon is. Dr Optokon is I, actually it is a nickname given to me by some grad students while working at Stanford many years ago. It relates to my then rather large collection of boxes of Optokon branded fibre...

www.kinktalk.com

 

[Truthfully]

It's not all on topic but I think this covers a lot of it.

Who is this guy?

Ok so I have had several recent inquiries asking various questions about who Dr Optokon is. Dr Optokon is I, actually it is a nickname given to me by some grad students while working at Stanford many years ago. It relates to my then rather large collection of boxes of Optokon branded fibre...

www.kinktalk.com

I was imagining to hear (also) some such stories that a person (maybe female?) becomes interested in kinky stuff, because the expanded techniques of stimulation make her able to achieve strong feelings, maybe even orgasm, while she finds it difficult or impossible to get much enjoyment from ordinary sex. Statistically it is not uncommon for a woman to find ordinary sex rather unimpressive. But nevertheless, that is all that the typical woman will try either.

Perceiving the relative popularity of this scenario, that a person (often a woman) would be indeed unable to get any remarkable (not to mention mind-blowing) pleasure from ordinary sex, I expected to hear that a common reason for a person becoming interested in kinky stuff would be to find an acceptable level of pleasure, which he or she is unable to find in ordinary sex. So far this discussion has not offered any proof that this would be the case: everyone here seems to have gone kinky out of curiosity rather than necessity.

But has anyone heard stories or seen people, who fit the logical pattern that I am describing here: going kinky because ordinary sex gives them next to nothing?

 

[Doctor Pervert]

going kinky because ordinary sex gives them next to nothing

Honestly this isn't something I've come across at all really.
However a very common occurrence is that those who try kinky play, of almost any type always seem to have a lot of trouble going back to a vanilla lifestyle.
I've heard from many members here of instances where they tried to give up their kink life but keep coming back because vanilla sex is no longer enough.

My opinion is that as I mentioned before, many if not most people hold some sort of kinkiness inside and once that genie is out of the bottle it's very hard to put it back. The extended experiences and wider range of activities simply makes for a bigger world to explore and enjoy.

 

[Truthfully]

Honestly this isn't something I've come across at all really.
...
tried to give up their kink life but keep coming back because vanilla sex is no longer enough.

An interesting combination. But the psychological threshold of trying something as weird and shocking as kinky sex might explain this. Too repulsive to try even if nothing else feels good either. But difficult to ignore as a possibility, once it has been experienced.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

But the psychological threshold of trying something as weird and shocking as kinky sex might explain this.

I don't think this is likely.
Often times it seems people have been really curious (sometimes for years) and wanting to try their particular kink but it's shame/guilt/embarrassment that keeps them from trying it.
Paradoxically the longer this goes on the more enticing and exciting it seems to get, but that shame/guilt barrier is a big hurdle to get over.
Those who've fallen into kink early seem to be much more relaxed about it than those who've wanted to try some kind of kink for a long time.

 

[Merlin]

I have to agree with @droptokon here , i have never seen , and I am at this for over 20 years now, anyone coming at it from the angle of "vanilla didn't do it enough". As he said it is basically always a pre-existing interest and finally giving it a try for new people no matter the gender.
Kink starts in the head , not in the physical activity. I have the feeling you are almost having a kink with your idea there

For the original question: How did I end up with Bdsm, I did get into it for real with 19, back then the internet wasn't such a big thing so way less exposure to it. and me not knowing anything more than very basics about it. During that time I started talking with a friend of my sister that is masochistic/submissive. We did talk very open about it once she learned that being dominant is a thing that interested me for a while (I can see first signs in me when I was not older than maybe 6 looking back, not understanding it at that point of course, but got more and more interested with maybe 16 or 17)
On a vacation with my sister, her and a friend of mine she did read Juliette from de Sad and gave it to me to read too, if I wanted, (warning de Sad is some heavy shit ... and old so no easy read and can be very disturbing)
Some time later she ended up asking me if I would accompany her to a Bdsm club when she had no one to go with and didn't want to go alone and the rest is history ...

​

 

[Truthfully]

> But the psychological threshold of trying something as weird and shocking as kinky sex might explain this.

I don't think this is likely. ... it's shame/guilt/embarrassment that keeps them from trying it.

I see what you are saying. We are getting into quite small details here: so they are not "shocked", they are "interested", but "ashamed".

Ashamed that someone might get to know? (fear of social shame)

Or ashamed of their own thoughts per se? (disgusted at their own feelings)

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Ashamed that someone might get to know? (fear of social shame)

Or ashamed of their own thoughts per se? (disgusted at their own feelings)

It can be both but most often its the fear someone will find out.

I encounter submissive and/or masochistic ladies all the time who have been keeping their solo kink play secret from partners, sometimes for years for fear they will be condemned for what they do. There are recent examples of posts from people going through this exact opening up process, often with results that surprise them. Check the Relationships Advice forum and you will find plenty about this exact topic.

 

[Truthfully]

I've heard from many members here of instances where they tried to give up their kink life but keep coming back because vanilla sex is no longer enough.

Why do they try to give up? To become monogamous with a partner who is not into kinky stuff?

What about newcomers, who try it once or twice: any guess on the drop-out rate? When people try any new hobby whatsoever, there is a drop-out rate. "Now I have seen it, this wasn't my thing."

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Why do they try to give up? To become monogamous with a partner who is not into kinky stuff?

Often yes, but also the guilt thing puts a lot of pressure on them.

As to the "drop out rate" among newbies I'd have to say it's low. For most once they cross that bridge and experience their kink they seem to get hooked on it. Or quite often they may discover something else they weren't aware of and gravitate to that as well or instead. Breaking the stigma is the key, once you allow yourself to experience it you can't unlearn that experience.

Let's be quite clear, kink is no hobby. There are some parallels, especially in how it can draw you deeper and become somewhat obsessive for some but the need for kink is very real. I've heard people describe their kink journey as finding their true identity, I've even posited several times that I consider it more akin to sexual orientation or gender identity. It's there inside you, it's inherent. No one chooses their kink, the kink chooses them. You simply discover what you were looking for but couldn't identify or name.

 

[Truthfully]

Often yes, but also the guilt thing puts a lot of pressure on them.

So this "guilt" was 50-50 either the fear of social shame, or guilt for having thoughts that one doesn't accept himself/herself either.

How about the rate of people who try to quit? (The rate of actually succeeding to quit was said to be low, but how many will decide to quit -- mostly quite unsuccessfully, as it later will turn out?)