ADVICE NEEDED: The man who was to be my very first Dom has ghosted me without a trace - I am heartbroken & very confused

[TinkerbelleNeedsLuv<3]

Hello all!....new to the community, this is my first post....here is the situation:

I met a man on a popular & "mainstream" dating/hookup app about a month ago. We had *instant* chemistry & connection in our conversation, understood each other perfectly, and the discussion very quickly became very intimate (both sexual & romantic). We would text or talk for hours at a time almost every day - it wasn't long before he became extremely Dominant in nature throughout our sexual conversations. (he apparently was BDSM experienced, which i did not know at first). I had never experienced ANY type of BDSM relationship or flirtation - and found that being submissive with him felt extremely natural to me, new and amazing-and i was falling. We made plans to finally meet, both talking about how excited we were for it. I personally had not had this kind of feeling for anyone, ever and couldn't wait.

On the day we were supposed to meet, I texted him to confirm plans - and he never replied. I checked in once more that day - still no reply. That was 5 days ago. I still haven;t heard from him. We went from communicating for lengthy amounts of time almost everyday, making plans for everything we would do together - to him LITERALLY vanishing into thin air. Not a peep.

Due to the unusual strength of our connection at least, on my end) and my desire to experience this new lifestyle with him, I of course have felt incredibly sad and heartbroken, and wondering why he did this to me, Ive been ghosted before but this somehow feels different and cuts deeper.

I texted him one last time the following day, just a very short sad text asking why i was not worthy of even just one reply or text anymore, and writing that i assume he must have been lying about everything.

************MY QUESTION IS: Since I'm so new to this world I'm super confused and curious - is this some kind of a punishment that an experienced Dom would inflict on a new Sub? Like a mind game? or is it a Test to see how devoted i am and if i'll come crawling back to him/chase him bc i need him to dominate me? OR is this just some jerk off ghosting me, nothing more?

ALSO - should i ever bother reaching out again? it makes me so sad i'll never have a chance to meet him and experience our connection and the safety i felt with him as well.

any respectful advice would be deeply appreciated.

Jennie

 

[Damokles]

Hello Jennie, its sounds wonderful if it was true, but I think it was more true for u.
If he has no accident and that its why he don't answer u than I don't understand why someone doing this.
No well minded Dom would do things like this for a "test".
D/S is not only domination and submission.
Its a lot more and begin with respect and trust to each other.
Cursorily I think he was a Asshole, but I dont know him or what u texted or what happen to him.

You should first pay attention to yourself and sort out your feelings and let them calm down. Running after hope seems tempting but unless he has a good reason for it I would be careful. Such feelings about new things can be very overwhelming and you forget to think rationally and logically. So first find yourself again

 

[Randy Magnum]

Hello all!....new to the community, this is my first post....here is the situation:

I met a man on a popular & "mainstream" dating/hookup app about a month ago. We had *instant* chemistry & connection in our conversation, understood each other perfectly, and the discussion very quickly became very intimate (both sexual & romantic). We would text or talk for hours at a time almost every day - it wasn't long before he became extremely Dominant in nature throughout our sexual conversations. (he apparently was BDSM experienced, which i did not know at first). I had never experienced ANY type of BDSM relationship or flirtation - and found that being submissive with him felt extremely natural to me, new and amazing-and i was falling. We made plans to finally meet, both talking about how excited we were for it. I personally had not had this kind of feeling for anyone, ever and couldn't wait.

On the day we were supposed to meet, I texted him to confirm plans - and he never replied. I checked in once more that day - still no reply. That was 5 days ago. I still haven;t heard from him. We went from communicating for lengthy amounts of time almost everyday, making plans for everything we would do together - to him LITERALLY vanishing into thin air. Not a peep.

Due to the unusual strength of our connection at least, on my end) and my desire to experience this new lifestyle with him, I of course have felt incredibly sad and heartbroken, and wondering why he did this to me, Ive been ghosted before but this somehow feels different and cuts deeper.

I texted him one last time the following day, just a very short sad text asking why i was not worthy of even just one reply or text anymore, and writing that i assume he must have been lying about everything.

************MY QUESTION IS: Since I'm so new to this world I'm super confused and curious - is this some kind of a punishment that an experienced Dom would inflict on a new Sub? Like a mind game? or is it a Test to see how devoted i am and if i'll come crawling back to him/chase him bc i need him to dominate me? OR is this just some jerk off ghosting me, nothing more?

ALSO - should i ever bother reaching out again? it makes me so sad i'll never have a chance to meet him and experience our connection and the safety i felt with him as well.

any respectful advice would be deeply appreciated.

Jennie

Hi Jennie,

It could be that he enjoyed the 'fantasy' of having kink play with you but wasn't prepared to do it in real life.

Theres no 'normal' with anything, if you made it clear early on that your intention was to meet up then its weird that they didn't go through with it. Also unless youve sent pics / vids back and forth, there's no saying they weren't catfishing you the entire time.

Sorry this happened to you, but even if that scenario didn't work out, you found you like to be submissive and more about yourself so take that as a positive on the whole outcome

 

[Bluish]

I could give you a more complete answered if you will on your private message, but i would say he didnt deserve you. Dom/Sub relation must be healthy from both side. He was nothing short than unrespectful. Courage

 

[subzzzero]

No ghosting is not a punishment anyone uses. You likely had a guy who was into the fantasy porn side of it all. Or even some kids just screwing around. Unfortunately there’s tons of trolls on the internet. It is not a test of your devotion. It is abuse and neglect. I’d recommend blocking all his accounts. Depending on what you used messenger wise. Delete all your pics and stuff if you sent any if possible. Do not reach out any more to him. He is either fake or an abusive manipulator. Move on and do some research in the lifestyle if you still have interest. Check some of my post history here on things to avoid and beware of. There are many like his type and some worse as well. So use caution in future endeavors.

 

[Naughty nova]

A good Dom should never use silence as a punishment. You would learn nothing from that other then to move on because you can survive without them. Communication is a huge part of bdsm weither it's online or in person. He probably was into the fantasy of bdsm but was scared to actually meet up and take charge in real life. It is a huge responsibility for a Dom to take on a sub. They have to make the sub feel safe and wanted for the sub to be able to give up total control. They have to balance there wants and needs with the subs wants and needs. So maybe he just got scared at the prospect of truly having that much control so he chickend out and didn't have the guts to tell you.

Unless he got in an accident you deserve better. You have the true power in the relationship you are the one who decides if he gets to play with you, you get to decide how much control he has. I suggest research. Ask questions. Learn what you like and don't like. Focus on you and the right Dom will come along.

 

[TinkerbelleNeedsLuv<3]

Hi Jennie,

It could be that he enjoyed the 'fantasy' of having kink play with you but wasn't prepared to do it in real life.

Theres no 'normal' with anything, if you made it clear early on that your intention was to meet up then its weird that they didn't go through with it. Also unless youve sent pics / vids back and forth, there's no saying they weren't catfishing you the entire time.

Sorry this happened to you, but even if that scenario didn't work out, you found you like to be submissive and more about yourself so take that as a positive on the whole outcome

thank u this helps

 

[TinkerbelleNeedsLuv<3]

A good Dom should never use silence as a punishment. You would learn nothing from that other then to move on because you can survive without them. Communication is a huge part of bdsm weither it's online or in person. He probably was into the fantasy of bdsm but was scared to actually meet up and take charge in real life. It is a huge responsibility for a Dom to take on a sub. They have to make the sub feel safe and wanted for the sub to be able to give up total control. They have to balance there wants and needs with the subs wants and needs. So maybe he just got scared at the prospect of truly having that much control so he chickend out and didn't have the guts to tell you.

Unless he got in an accident you deserve better. You have the true power in the relationship you are the one who decides if he gets to play with you, you get to decide how much control he has. I suggest research. Ask questions. Learn what you like and don't like. Focus on you and the right Dom will come along.

thank you so much Nova this is very helpful and helps me feel better a bit

 

[TinkerbelleNeedsLuv<3]

No ghosting is not a punishment anyone uses. You likely had a guy who was into the fantasy porn side of it all. Or even some kids just screwing around. Unfortunately there’s tons of trolls on the internet. It is not a test of your devotion. It is abuse and neglect. I’d recommend blocking all his accounts. Depending on what you used messenger wise. Delete all your pics and stuff if you sent any if possible. Do not reach out any more to him. He is either fake or an abusive manipulator. Move on and do some research in the lifestyle if you still have interest. Check some of my post history here on things to avoid and beware of. There are many like his type and some worse as well. So use caution in future endeavors.

thank you very helpful

 

[Naughty nova]

thank you so much Nova this is very helpful and helps me feel better a bit

If you ever have any questions I'm here.