Am I normal?

[syruppywaffles]

Hey,

I just joined this site a few minutes ago and after a quick look around I think this where I'd post something like this, but I'm not entirely sure, so I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place. Basically, I'm wondering if there's maybe something wrong with me, and because it's surrounding bdsm or whatever, I thought this site looked like an okay place to ask.

Ever since I was a little kid I've been drawn to kink type stuff, before I even knew what that meant. I don't remember exactly when I started masturbating, but I have memories of doing it when I was no older than 3 years old. I have memories of being around 5 years old and asking friends to play 'doctor'. I would always want to be the patient, and I would explain to them that as the doctor they'd have to tie me to my bed with a skipping rope and watch me masturbate. At the time, I didn't call it masturbation obviously, but that's what it was. If I were to stop doing it at any point, I would want them to hit me. I know that children playing 'doctor' and maybe exploring their bodies is relatively normal, but how I would want to play wasn't normal and looking back, it scares me.

I have other memories of always wanting to play a game with my sister that we would call 'slave'. This game was never sexual at all or anything, it was literally just doing whatever the other person wanted, usually things like clean my room, or do a chore for the other or something like that. Every time, I would beg her to let me be the slave. Looking back, I can't imagine why any kid would want to be the slave in that game, and so again, it scares me. I have a lot of odd memories like this.

I didn't learn what sex was until I was 10 or 11 years old. That being said, from the time I started, I masturbated almost daily if not multiple times a day. I started watching porn when I was around 13, and I immediately gravitated towards bdsm type stuff.

I'm 23 years old now, and this is something I still enjoy, but it's something I feel extremely guilty about and try not to enjoy. I'm still a virgin, and every time I've been in a relationship and we get close to having sex or we talk about it or anything surrounding it, I get scared and don't want to do it, and I really don't know why. I don't know if maybe I'm ashamed to like what I like or something. I'm also so scared that maybe there is something wrong with me, because from what I know about bdsm, I've never heard of someone being like that from a super young age. Honestly, I'm not even sure what I'm asking or what advice I'm looking for, I just feel like i"m not normal and I kind of wish I wasn't like this. I feel as if I should be a vanilla person and the idea of vanilla sex or a 'normal relationship' or whatever is appealing to me too. Nobody knows about this. In my friend group, I'm viewed as 'the good girl', and I want to be that way. I just don't know, I'm confused.

 

[Redadare]

Hey,

I think the more pertinent question is, 'what is normal?'. A lot of what you have said there strikes a chord with me growing up and none of it sounds in any way weird or wrong.

I don't think you should feel guilty or ashamed at all. Of course, you are asking a community of kinksters - are any of us "normal"?!! I refer you again to my earlier question!

Whatever you do or don't do in your private life is exactly that - private. Do what you enjoy (as long as it's legal of course!)

 

[Doctor Pervert]

The previous poster got it pretty spot on, possibly the reason you don't hear about this stuff from others about childhood is that most think its kinda odd behavior just like you do and don't want to talk about to anyone else.
Basically what you describe is a typical submissive who it seems simply got in touch with her identity very young even though you didn't know what was going on. Certainly nothing wrong with you and it sounds to me like most of your hesitation is based on stereotypes and misconceptions in the wider vanilla community about bdsm.

You're in the right place, no kink shaming here!

 

[Rlee]

I'd also like to add... Although this is a topic not many people talk about, I've recently had a conversation with someone and it turns out that, for both of us as well, signs like yours of enjoying BDSM type things also started to appear at a very early age.

So, besides it being something you do in private, like the nice people above said, about the things you're ashamed of having liked, don't worry, you are not alone there either!

 

[J91]

I have other memories of always wanting to play a game with my sister that we would call 'slave'. This game was never sexual at all or anything, it was literally just doing whatever the other person wanted, usually things like clean my room, or do a chore for the other or something like that. Every time, I would beg her to let me be the slave. Looking back, I can't imagine why any kid would want to be the slave in that game, and so again, it scares me. I have a lot of odd memories like this.

I didn't learn what sex was until I was 10 or 11 years old. That being said, from the time I started, I masturbated almost daily if not multiple times a day. I started watching porn when I was around 13, and I immediately gravitated towards bdsm type

Hi there,

I used to play exactly the same games with a cousin when I was younger and was completely addicted to porn when I first discovered it. I only came to the realisation that my love of the slave game was connected to my kinks a few years ago, and although it was a difficult thing to reconcile with, I found comfort in knowing that there were some explanations and I was not completely alone in my fantasies. As mentioned by others, normal is subjective, but you will find in these kinds of communities that a lot of people have had the same experiences you have had. Its nothing to be ashamed of at all, and you have come to the right place

 

[subzzzero]

Above is all solid advice. Kink or not do what you enjoy do what makes you happy. At the end of every day the only person you have to answer to is you. All the potential people you might be worrying about dont matter. This is about you and your wants, your needs. If you wish to remain the "good person" in your group then do so. Theres nothing saying you cant kink it up with others. Plenty of people fill out their kink life with a totally opposite group as they hang out with on the vanilla side. I can say i honestly have had very few kink partners where i ever even met their vanilla side crowd. And thats fine by me. Also as you see you arent the only one to feel how you do so just think how many others might be into the same things as you kink wise maybe even a few in your close vanilla crowd.
Munches are a good way to meet semi local people and form connections on the kink side of things. Also many people pursue their kink exploration online. Some never even transition it to real life meets. They use this as their little escape.

There are lots of good people here and even just browsing the site you can find some good advice. Enjoy your stay and happy kinking.

 

[andrei]

Short put: everyone is normal!

At some point in life you will not care to ask yourself or others anymore (unless you go too religious to get into a crisis). Life forces you to be one of a kind but fetishes stay for personal satisfaction.

Hmm if still a virgin then don't go straight up to BDSM with a partner. Don't try all things at once. Every good thing one at a time. Anything becomes easy to talk after a nice relation builds up.

 

[syruppywaffles]

Thanks for the kind responses

It was nice to hear that my experiences weren’t abnormal or anything. I think it might be something I’ll try to explore more, probably just really cautiously because I do feel slightly weird about it

 

[kaylessa]

I do feel slightly weird about it

Feeling weird about it is nothing to worry about. I'm glad about the change of tone in your second post. When I read your first post, I was very worried about your well being. You wrote a lot about being scared by what you like. And fear is probably bad while feeling weird is something a lot of kinksters actually want to experience.

To be honest, when I read your first post I imagined you with a penis. That's probably because it sounded so familiar to me. Well, I never told anybody about my feelings thus I never actually played "slave" or "doctor" with anybody, but I was fantasizing a lot about what you experienced. Actually I'm very jealous about what you had. I know it can be scary at times, but it took me so damn long to start getting my fantasies real.

It's really important to play it slow. Also it's very important to try out which things are making you wet and which are just scary. That said, sometimes people realize that scary things are actually kinks, but keep it slow but steady and you'll have a blast. Just a couple advises for security reasons:

• Everytime you play with somebody, choose a safeword first (and an additional thing to do when gagged). Using the safeword immediately ends the play. It is very important to play safe.
• Stick to the rule of SSC: safe, sane, consensual. Whenever you play, stay safe. Safety always comes first. Stick to common sense and don't do things you don't want to just for the sake of making a good impression to somebody. And never play without consent.
• When you meet somebody you don't know to play, always have a safeguard. Somebody you trust and who knows whom you meet and where. Always do a background check beforehands. If you submit, you actually play with your own life, so be as sure as you can that nobody hurts you. First meeting should involve no play at all and be at a public spot. The one you meet should never know who your safeguard is, only that you got a safeguard.
• When playing stick to your rules. Some people try to talk away limits. Don't let them. Nobody but you has the right to remove any limits.
• If you play alone, always have at least a secondary release. Never combine anything potentially lethal with restraining your own hands.

But... whatever you do: have fun. Life is too short to worry.

 

[bee9]

To add to the wonderful responses: the main thing is to accept yourself, stop judging and trying to use other's "standards".
The next step is to understand what do you really like, being 100% honest with you. You might want to explore it alone first and only then with a partner, but finding one as always is not easy when you don't want what you exactly need from the relationship. So know yourself.

 

[Birchlover]

I was the same as a child, loving kinky stuff before I knew what it was. I remember lying face down in bed, rubbing my little cock against the bedclothes until I orgasmed, without any ejaculation, whilst my bottom was throbbing and burning after a thrashing from my Dad's belt. This was well before I reached puberty. Both of my parents used to punish me, and I used to misbehave deliberately when my Dad was away in order to feel my Mum's hairbrush or slipper on my bare bottom whilst stretched across her lap.

 

[rst]

I don't think you are normal, but neither do I think anyone should try to be normal or have that as a life goal. Your description of your childhood sexuality reminds me a lot of my own though I discovered masturbation somewhat later at around ten. I could make myself cum years before I started ejaculating LOL. Being somewhat older I did not have access to porn as much as a teen. What I remember most about playing doctor and other games as a child is that I was way more assertive, daring and open around ten years old than in my 20s. I had a period of consciously discovering my like for kink in my early 30s there was a lot of shame involved but that went away after playing a lot and finding like minded friends. GL on your journey