Are you an alpha or a beta person in real life?

[nina]

In a recent discussion thread, an interesting point came up that it is at times stereo-typically assumed that the ones who like to play a dominant role are "strong alpha male" and ones who like to play a submissive role are "weak beta male", and this got me thinking.

I have often wondered if there is a correlation between our real life personality and the role we choose in BDSM. For some I see, it is a positive correlation and they assume a role similar to their real life personality while there are others who prefer roles which are diametrically opposite of their real life personality and may use BDSM as a medium to relieve from stress.

So are you an alpha or a beta person in real life? Does your real life personality influence your kinky orientation either directly or inversely and how? What are your thoughts on this topic?

Also how prevalent do you think the above mentioned stereotypical perception really is (or isn't)? Are you affected by this?

This thread and poll are open to all orientations [i.e. Dom/me, sub, switch etc] and all genders for discussing the correlation between real life personality and kink preferences. Please share your insights and personal experiences.

 

[nina]

I have a more dominant personality in real life however when it came to kinky orientation I first started as a sub and felt I was sexually submissive, since I am mostly straight/bi-curious, I also feel I generally can only sub for male Doms and not females for the same reason. When I started exploring domination, it also seemed natural due to my real life personality and some dominant traits that I have though I am still learning the ropes of being a Domme. I realized I am more of a bi when it comes to Domming as I enjoy more of the mental control aspect than the sexual one here, though I have only had female subs. I also don't believe in shouting orders or being aggressive but rather like assertive and implied dominance backed by logic and sound judgement.

Hoping to get some more votes and insights on the topic

 

[Doctor Pervert]

For me its just the way I've always been, I have to be in charge. At school I hated team sports where I had to follow instructions of others and would usually just do my own thing anyway and end up getting sidelined, lol...
Style wise most people characterize me as "persuasive" rather than bossy, I have overheard others is a work situation commenting "I don't how he does it but he always gets his way".
This has simply extended into my sex life and kink.

 

[BlaqPeppa]

I don't really believe these things are real within humans:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/head-games/201412/are-alpha-males-myth-or-reality
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_myth_of_the_alpha_male

I think peoples personalities are a lot more complex than that and the many aspects vary on a scale which doesn't simply fit into "alpha" or "beta". If they do then I'm not sure I really fit into either very well. I'm not the most persuasive and can be rather passive about most things due to my apathy and being rather laid back in general, but there's a lot I won't tolerate and will put my foot down over. I'm not aggressive nor feel the need to dominate but am also not scared of a fight and very much dislike people who try to dominate me in normal contexts.

I also think it's one of those things where the more you believe they are real "types of people", the more you will subconsciously change to try to fit yourself into one of the types in order to be able to definitively identify as one or the other and feel a sense of belonging.

 

[nina]

I completely agree that peoples personalities are a lot more complex and the phrase real "types of people" is delusional.

I just want to clarify to avoid the thread title being misinterpreted that I used those words alpha and beta to make the title 1) catchy, and 2) correspond it to the stereotype mentioned in the opening statement.

Having said that I do believe there is an abundance of describing words/adjectives or different personality traits, and we all can generally describe our own personalities using a combination of those words and sometimes we see two peoples personalities are more similar i.e, they have more traits in common and vice versa.

So when I say alpha here I don't mean aggressive etc, I simply mean the person has more traits that we usually associate with a dominant personality type like those who lead or take more initiative etc and when I say beta in this context, it means they seem to have more traits that we commonly associate with those who may prefer to not take the lead or may have more submissive personality traits. It doesn't mean that a dominant doesn't have submissive traits or vice versa, everyone has both/multiple sides, it is rather which side we project more and also that doesn't necessarily have to be in all spheres, I do believe the same person may choose a dominant role in one sphere of their life and a submissive role in the other.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

You also need to understand that this term alpha male gets bandied about casually and is really borrowed from the broader behavioral trait observed in all mammals and most animals. The alpha concept transcends psychology and is not a conscious decision or choice it is simply that in any group of mammals there will always be those who lead that group.
The reason this gets complicated in humans is that natural alpha instincts are totally repressed and the natural order of being able to challenge the existing leaders for that alpha role "educated" out of us.
Its the old conundrum of instinct losing out to culture and intellect. Our instinct was designed to help us in groups of 5 to 20 people, it got stretched further and further ruling first 100's then 1000's but it doesn't work in a modern society.
I would speculate this is one reason we have seen the growth of gangs and the turf battles that leads to, its a way to outlet the instinctive alphas.

Edit, I should add that a good way to get a sense of where you fit naturally is how you react in group situations where a decision is required. Do you feel compelled to take control, wave your hands and declare "we should do XXXX" or do you stay quiet and wait to see what happens? And I'm not talking about when you're drunk either, lol...

 

[piesocial]

I think for me the sub role is more appealing because it takes me out of my daily track, which is generally one where I need to be in control of everything and I feel the need for people do be doing things the way I want them. I could do Dom just as well but it isn't a way to wind down at all which is really what I'd rather be doing at home.

Separately, and maybe this is overly pedantic. The way our society uses the word "beta" is totally wrong, as it's second position. Betas usually work along side of alphas and are really high up there, most people wouldn't want to be the alpha and betas do really well. Tim Cook is a beta. Most people are delta, which is just that they like to get work done.

When you start looking into gamma and that sort of thing, that's where the out of place or extremely submissive type people seem to come from.

 

[nina]

Edit, I should add that a good way to get a sense of where you fit naturally is how you react in group situations where a decision is required. Do you feel compelled to take control, wave your hands and declare "we should do XXXX" or do you stay quiet and wait to see what happens? And I'm not talking about when you're drunk either, lol...

That is one of the reasons why I feel I am more dominant in real life than submissive, in spite of the fact that I have a healthy dose of sexually subby traits in me too. I am a witty over-thinker [don't know if that's an oxymoron], and usually am able to suggest or direct well even when I am not in a position of power, and my understanding and judgement of a situation is generally thorough, logical and sound because of which people usually like to listen to what I have to say. Add to it my communication and organisation skills and that makes me even more inclined towards domination. And for these same reasons I can generally find very few people that I can naturally feel submissive towards, though they exist too..lol

I also added the can't say option, as I wanted to add an option for people who can't pick one outrightly, though even alpha and beta don't mean 100% alpha and 100% beta but more like mostly or predominantly alpha or beta

 

[J91]

As this was initially posted to be meant for male subs, I stayed away from posting my opinion but I have been reading the comments and would like to add my perspective.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a shy person. I prefer to blend into the background as opposed to stand out in front of a crowd. A lot of my personality traits are submissive, I hate saying no to people, I like to please, I don't like people to dislike me for any reason, and I generally do what I can to make other people's lives a bit easier. A lot of these traits transfer into my submissive sexual nature. Traits of a beta? Well as mentioned before, a beta is actually a second in command. I live up to that role quite well in real life.

However, I have a lot of alpha personality traits. I manage a team of people in my day to day, and I do not let anyone else make decisions for me. I wil voice my opinion, and I will HAVE an opinion on a lot of things. I am diplomatic, fair and have good communication skills. I make decisions on my own, and thoughtfully try to bring my team with me as opposed to a top down management style. So actually, I do have a lot of Dominant personality traits. But I am most definitely only a submissive kink-wise, so it's quite an interesting distinction. Part of it is most definitely being able to let go of the responsibilities when subbing, and just have your focus on someone else. I am also not a great instigator at these things, whereas in other areas of my life I'm quite happy to the opposite.

 

[subzzzero]

Alpha in real vanilla life as well. I'm an instructor for a living to adults so i sort of have to be that leadership mentoring type role. I have found that even if not at work i always take the lead on things and get people motivated. Even in just simple convo with a cashier or waiter/waitress etc, I'm open and talkative I don't shy down and i always try to engage in convo to improve people's day.

The downside to this is that I challenge everyone when they are wrong at work. I cant sit in the upper level meetings and not speak up when i know the information is wrong. Cant be a yes man ever. It has cost me a few promotions I'm sure lol.

 

[sciencegal]

This is something that I’ve thought about before. I identify as a switch, though it’s rare I switch with the same partner (not unheard of, just not the norm for me). I tend to skew dominant in the bedroom, but thinking about my personality outside of kink, I’m a bit more grey. If I’m in a group and a decision needs to be made I tend to hold back and see what the group says before I chime in. This isn’t necessarily because I don’t want to be the one making the decision, but rather because I’m curious and often seek the most agreeable option when in groups. I think a lot of that stems from having to be the mediator as a child between siblings. I tend to fall to this setting when in mixed company, but it’s easier for me to be the one deciding when I know the group better. I’m a fairly adaptable person and I find that my vanilla role is the same way. I can be the manager and I can be just a peon working a mundane job.

I will qualify this all by saying if I don’t trust the person in charge, all bets are off and I will make all my own decisions. I don’t have to agree with every decision made, but I need a trust level that assures me the decision is being made for valid reasons and not because of selfish motivations.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

I think a lot of that stems from having to be the mediator as a child between siblings.

Just curious, were you the oldest child?
There are some well established "rules" worked out by anthropologists in the 60's (Margaret Mead, Desmond Morris, et al) that supposedly lay out the likely personality makeup of a group of siblings based on the number of children in a family. In general for large families these put the eldest into a kind of additional parent figure role (read dominant) as they tend to be thrust into caring for the younger ones. It also classifies the youngest 1 or 2 as basically submissive although thats not how its worded, more that they become reliant on the older sibs to care for them.
So the upshot is the bigger the family the more this Dom/sub divide develops. Personally this seems to be one of those pseudo scientific theories that anthropology seems to be full of, however that said I've met quite a few Doms who were eldest children.

But I digress, sorry @nina hijacked your thread yet again! Although it might prove interesting if responders included what number child they are.

 

[sciencegal]

Just curious, were you the oldest child?

I'm a middle child (second of 3)

 

[Doctor Pervert]

I'm a middle child (second of 3)

Ah ok, 3 isn't enough to fit the model as it starts at 4, 60's families were pretty big, baby boomers and so on.
Middle kids in their 4-7 sib modeling become self sufficient and independent, as they had to care for themselves. Eldest bossy and care giver, middle independent, youngest are dependent, needy.

 

[MissKubo]

I think my husband and I both flit between Alpha and Beta depending on the situation, and on how we're feeling. At work, I have to organise and manage a small team so I have to be the alpha, likewise when I'm with my child, or with organising stuff in our home life (he's DEFINITELY beta with housework). When we're out, sometimes both of us tend to be quieter and go with the flow, depending on how energetic/enthusiastic/drunk we are

 

[andrei]

Alpha in my relationship. Wishing to be beta. I don't like someone to count on me but these happen in our love life. Even while she is a lioness herself but in all other domains.

 

[BamaSwitch]

Very much an alpha in vanilla life. I'm a Switch and certainly enjoy both sides of the coin so to speak. And how dominant or submissive I am really tends to fluctuate. There are times where I can't imagine being submissive and other times that I yearn for it. But to the outside world I'm alpha.

 

[Magnetic]

In real life, I am an alpha... beta... gamma... delta... epsilon... zeta... eta... theta... iota... kappa... lambda... mu... nu... xi... omicron... pi... rho... sigma... tau... upsilon... phi... chi... psi... or is it omega?

 

[Slave572]

In my real life I am alpha. At school, I was stronger than others and there was always a bunch of guys around me. I was always friends with guys older than me and was equal for them. In the army, I became a sergeant. After the army, I always created my own group at my work. And even positioning myself as a slave, I try to make the Tops play by my rules.

 

[andrei]

@Magnetic just stop! You are not! Hahaha cute!