Being a Dom (Kink Talk edition)

[Merlin]

I have started a thread about my thought of being a dom and also to give others that are not sure about them self my point of view on the subject. And i have the feeling it also could be interesting here so i thought to make a sort of a compact version of the thread by not only copying my text but by also including interesting comments into it. (The original thread can be found here: Being a Dom)


Part 1
You could describe a Dom/Sub relationship with these simple words:
"The Dom is ordering his Sub whatever he wants, to fulfill his needs. And the Sub is only there to obey every command that is given by the Dom."

This sounds like an easy thing and i get the impression some people thing that this is really that easy.
New or bad Doms sometimes seem to think that the only thing a Dom has to do is giving orders and lean back, while they are carried out by the Sub. You could get the impression being a Dom is easier than being a Sub because you don't have to do anything.

I think it's lame when "Masters" say "You are to do everything I tell you, and it is for my pleasure only."

Then they don't give a shit if the slave is happy or not, cos... the masters are just there to be pleased right? Well if you don't take the slave into consideration, you'll loose it quickly. Or the slave would get sad or whatever.
I just hate when Master pull a guilt trip on you, when you ask for something, and call it topping from the bottom.

What these people are missing is that for being a Dom it needs a lot more than that. As soon as you are ordering a Sub to do something you are responsible for everything that might happen. You need to be aware of the risks, the consequences (positive or negative) and how to react on them.
Before you even think about to give an order you should always know what you are doing. You will need to get the knowledge about what can happen and what can be done to prevent harm to the Sub. You will have to always hold contact with the Sub, and if anything is getting out of control stop immediately.
You have to know the Sub you are working with as you can never rely only on the Sub telling you when you have gone to far. You will have to discuss about tasks as long you are not really know the other one. You have to learn to read even the smallest signs of your Sub, so you can react before the things already gone to far.

This is something I'll put my two cents into... it may even be a quarter!

Being the dominant one a relationship of the kind we're discussing isn't a cakewalk like so many people think it is. "i am teh Masterz, slav! u are only 4 my enjoyment! only 4 my plesur! doo wat i sayz!

That's not how it works, sorry. Yes, as the Master/Dom, you are the one that tells the slave what to do, and the slave's activities should bring you pleasure.

HOWEVER

A slave/sub is still human, even if they don't want to be treated as such. They still have a need for some sort of enjoyment. If that need is not met, they become sad(duh). A sad slave is an unfocused slave. An unfocused slave cannot fully perform the duties set to them. Not only that, but a sad slave will be more likely to find they have more limits than before, which will limit what the slave can/will do.

As the dominant one, you have to realize that you need to have the slave do things they enjoy- it doesn't have to be all the time, but it has to be there in some way, shape, or form. Why? Because the slave will be happier. Happy slaves are more likely to push/remove limits, allowing for much more fun to be had by all.

If a slave seems particularly unfocused or sad, don't just start making them do things for you- find out what's wrong- LET THE SLAVE VENT! It's doesn't have to be play time all the time. Letting the slave vent is good for both parties- you'll understand your slave better, and your slave can get things off their chest that could make them more focused. Not only that, but it builds trust between you, and guess what? Trust helps a slave lose limits a bit quicker.

Some of those reading this might say something like, "But the slave/sub should get enjoyment from serving, and that should be enough!"
Yes and no. While the slave should enjoy serving(why else be a slave?), a slave is, as I said earlier, still human. And humans have certain things they enjoy greatly(my slave happens to enjoy nipple torture), and if the slave knows something they REALLY enjoy is even a possibility, they tend to be more motivated, more willing to do what you want them to do. So, while a slave should get enjoyment from merely serving, knowing something really good is coming to them at some point is a great motivator.

Something else along these lines... alot of the potential slaves that contact me have a similar story:

"... and the last guy I let be my Master was only interested in getting naked pics and having me masturbate frequently, just in different places..."
^That's not an actual sentence, but a sentence that sums up much of what I hear.

Naked pictures are NOT what being a Master/Dom is about... you want naked pictures? Read Playboy. If all you can think of for your slave to do is masturbate in different locations, this is NOT what you should be involved in... go watch porn. Have something close to a creative thought, be able to do alot with only a few real basic household items.

I would even go a little bit farer and would even "order" a Sub to tell me if she doesn't like anything. As this is sometimes the only way for the Dom to get this important information.
Still some people will say that a Slave should not speak out to his Master, and I have to agree that in an offline relationship this is posible, as you have a lot more sources of information. With the limited information you get online you should only consider this if you know each other very well.
I think you didn't want it to sound like that, but removing limits should not be the reason you want the Sub to be happy. Its more like a side effect. ...



Part 2
Lets start my next part with a theory that sounds strange at first but the more you think about it the more it gets reasonable.

The Dom is there to help the Sub to do what the Sub wants to do...

What does this mean. A Sub is a person who likes to be controlled, or if you see it from the Sub point of view, that wants to give away the control and let himself fall. The Dom is basically the opposite, he tries to control his surrounding and to increase his control over another persons. What some people can't see is the fact that the Dom can only take as much control as the Sub is giving him. That leads us to a strange situation, as the Dom has to submit to the Sub's will to give away this control. Or with other words, a Dom is dependent on the will of the Sub to let him control.
If you are aware of that, then one important goal as a Dom is to get the Sub to give up as much control as posible. And the main factor for this is a simple thing called Trust...

... And how do you build this trust, young padawan masters?

--lost looks--

-- master Sum1 slaps his head in disappear, sighs---

It's already mentioned in the thread...no no one?
(pause)
It's gained through good communication!

Part 3
This part will be about trust and although i write it from the perspective of a Dom most of it counts also for a Sub

"If a Sub jumps out of a plane he knows that the Dom has packed the parachute and it is ready to use, without having to check that it is even there" (Thanks to Sum1 for this nice simile)

Trust is maybe the most important part of a Dom/Sub relationship. The relationship stands and falls with trust. Only if the Sub trusts you as a Dom he will be able to let himself fall. Because only if he really trusts you he can be sure that you wont harm him if he is giving himself into your Hands. So building trust is the most important part if you want to get a good relationship.

An important factor of how much someone will trust you is time. So the first rule if you want to build trust is, be patient, and don't rush. Other factors will reduce the time it takes but still you should never think you can build trust in a blink of an eye.
Another important part of building trust is honesty. Without honesty there can never be trust, so another rule: Don't lie! Even one lie can destroy the trust that was build over a long time. And if you lied once to someone he will never be able to absolutely trust you again.
The next thing that comes to my mind is the significance to communicate. Its important to speak with each other about things that went good but also about things that have gone wrong. Give your Sub always the chance to speak to you, to tell you their feelings, thoughts or worries (especially over the internet where talking/writing is most of the time the only way to get these informations). But also don't be afraid to tell your Sub about your thoughts or worries and concerns
That kind of leads to my final point: Care. A person will only really trust you, if he knows that you care for him. That you have done everything you could to be sure that he never could be harmed. Even the "most useless Slave" wont trust his Master if he doesn't think that he is important to him.You are responsible for everything that happens to the Sub while they are following your orders. So you should be doing everything to protect him. This includes for example that they have the chance to disobey an order if it would harm them, especially if you are not around to oversee what they are doing.

Another thought on reactions: For me at least, when I am in control I want to know how my slaves are reacting. The best feeling I get from it is knowing my slave is enjoying themselves while I am having fun. As a sub/slave, I want to know that the person in control wants to know how I'm feeling, and cares enough to take the time to find out. Taking time to move forward is more important than reaching a finish line. There shouldn't be a finish line, relationships of all kinds are about the journey of moving together.

Conclusion:
To build trust you have to:
- be patient
- be honest
- Communicate
- Care for the other one

It is perfectly aceptable and even encouraged for the slave to say their thoughts. They can even totaly disagree with their owner. As long as they can say it with respect and in a nice tone of voice. We have found having a journal kept by the slave helps. They can write whatever they want however they want. The catch is the Master/Mistress can ask for the journal to read it and write a response back in journal. Unless it is a major issue that needs to dealt with immedatly. The key here is to write back but not talk about it until the slave is comfortable enough to do so. It's best to not force most issues.

The number one thing in this type of relationship is GOOD Communication in more than one form. I.e. being able to read the body language and the tone of voice/noises that your slave uses.


Don't be afraid to talk to your sub/slave out side of the bounds of your Master/slave relationship. Take the time to talk to him/her as a person, in other words your equal. This should be done on a regular basis. At the very least once a week. This helps to keep building the trust between you.

Why should you talk out side the bounds of your Master/slave relationship? Not all sub/slaves have learned how to speak their mind to you as a sub/slave. This is something that takes some time to learn how to do. It also takes some thought as to say what you want with out being disrespectful to your owner. Not all subs/slaves will tell you what is going on in their head during a session. Take the time to find out what they liked, disliked and totally loathed. Find out why they have those reactions. The reason why is sometimes a sub/slave is so fixed on pleasing you they will tell you what they think you want to hear.

When I use the term "reading" here I am talking about reading into the reactions that your sub/slave has. As you get to know one another well, you start to pick up on their their little quirks. Such as when your sub is happy they will great you with a "HI Master!" But if your sub is feeling a little down they may use "Hello, Master." It's the little things that let you know what is really going on. Knowing how to read these things over the internet is tricky and takes longer than if you were meeting in person. If you are able to use a web cam both ways, pay attention to their body language, the sound of their voice, how they use their eyes, have their breathing changed. These little things will help you to know when they are enjoying what is being done to them or if you are crossing the line into the unwanted pain. By the way a good sub/slave will read their Master/Mistress as well.

 

[Merlin]

Sum1's interlude and Part 4 and 5

Imagination and Adaptability - An interlude part by Sum1

Once you've got those basics, trust and communication you can begin to think about the basics of actually having your sub do things.

Your two key tools here are Imagination and Adaptability.

Imagination: the ability to form mental images of things or events.

This is good for two reasons, firstly it means that you're actually able to make up interesting tasks that both your sub and yourself will enjoy.

Secondly, it means you won't be constantly requiring your sub to go on cam or to take photographs as you don't need this documentary evidence to know what your sub will look like under different tasks set.

Adaptability: the ability to change (or be changed) to fit changed circumstances.

If a task isn't going according to plan, due to a circumstance changing or you not being able to explain to a sub what you want (especially preverlant online, it happens to the best of us) or for whatever reason. You need to be able to adapt to these circumstances and create new tasks for the sub, again, using your imagination to quickly find something else you will both like.

I can give an example of this from personal experience, this evening me and my sub were playing, on cam, which is new for the pair of us, but that is beside the point.

Earlier on today we were were playing with some humiliation play things and anal. Later in the evening we started playing again as we'd both enjoyed the earlier session so much that we wanted to continue it.

However circumstances had changed, my sub no longer had the freedom of movement she had earlier (people asleep in the house and not wanting to wake them) and was restricted to her bed for the play.

We began by trying to continue the earlier humiliation and anal, however the humiliation play wasn't really working and her arse was more sensitive than it had been earlier in the evening therefore she was no longer enjoying anal. It was bad pain not good pain, which as a side note is a good question to ask, especially online; if a sub says something really hurts, ask if it's good pain or bad pain.

Realising that our earlier play wasn't working i began something that I've not done much before having her hold difficult positions, pushing her to a point of physical pain, where she had to use her will power to remain in the position.​

Circumstances changed so out comes a different task.

(definitions from http://wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/ )



Part 4
My 4th part will be about a the importance of knowledge and common sense.

As i stated earlier one of the goals of a Dom should always be to protect the Sub from harm. To achieve this is is always good to have 2 things "ready": Your common sense and at least some basic knowledge about the things you want your Sub to perform.
Common sense can help you to see where things can go wrong and what you should not ask someone else to do. And the lack of common sense can be fatal.

Still you can't only rely on it to always keep you on the safe side. Sooner or later you will reach areas where you will need some explicit knowledge.
Knowledge about what can be done, what can't be done, things that could go wrong, things that can cause harm (there are areas of the body for example that should only be spank very light and some never at all), technical things like how do to a "bondage tie" or how to work with a special toy...
And we shouldn't forget that you also will need knowledge about the person you are working with. Information like experience, pain tolerance or body conditions. But also the daily form can be important.
Still you will never know everything so you will have to predict the unpredictable and try always to have a "Plan B" ready if you are doing some of the extremer stuff (like having scissors ready while doing bondage to cut the ropes, if needed or the always important spare key for the cuffs).

But how can we achieve this knowledge?

One way is by experience. By trying things you will of course get information about it. A special way of this is selfexperience that means as a Dom you can try some of your things on yourself before telling someone else to do it (Of course this is limited and most people wont do any thing before they order someone to do it, but it is sometime still a good way to get an idea how some things will feel like).
Although experience is the best way to get to know things it has two major disadvantage. First, you will have to make mistakes to learn something. Thats ok if the things you are doing are not risky, but this can be a major problem if things get dangerous. The other one is, that it takes time, especially if you want to keep it as save as posible (and you should do that!), you will need to work in very small steps making the progress slow.

Another way is by reading books or searching for instructions over the internet. The big Plus here is that you can get information about technically everything you can think of. As you don't have to do anything its also impossible to do mistakes, at least not while reading them. Also it is posible to get a lot of information in a very short period of time.
The major disadvantages are, that all the info you get is often theoretical (Reading a book about bondage will not make a bondage guru of you, still it may give you a lot of useful information especially about the theory). It is always out of the view of another one and doesn't reflect your own skills and experience. So even if you have the theoretical knowledge how to do something you will have to try it in real before you really can be sure about it, and you will always have to stay inside your own possibilities (Even if you read about how to do a complicated bondage position, it is maybe better to start with something easy first).
Another danger, especially over the internet, is "False information". You cant believe everything that is said in the internet, as some people will lie and even if they don't their information can be very subjective. Be aware that only because one person can do something doesn't mean another one can do it too, And only because one person didn't harm himself by doing something doesn't mean it is save to do.
Another thing i want to mention here is: "Don't trust porn!"
Some things shown in porn are fantasy, some things are cut to look like done in one shot that are not. Also never think that every Sub can act like some of the girls in there. Not all, but some porn is quiet unrealistic.

The last way to get information i want to mention here, is simple... Ask someone. There will always be someone that knows more then you. So don't be afraid to ask. If you got problem with something, ask someone, maybe he has already solved it.
I want to start with the disadvantages here. Again you can get False information, and you may need some time to find the right person to talk too.
Still there are a lot of advantages. You can ask questions if you didn't understand something, you can react to the other one, you can tell the other one what you can and what you can't do, you can discuss over things, the one you are talking with can maybe learn something from you too, you can share experience...

Conclusion:
To get the knowledge you need, for being a good Dom, you can
- Read books
- Look through the Internet
- Talk to other Doms
But to really be ready to order something to anybody you will need to get enough experience and have a good amount of common sense.

You can meet other Doms/Domes on the internet at sites like this one or on sites that are specifically related to the BDFSM lifestyle. Most of the sites have some type of community interaction like this one does.

What about finding a Dom/Dome you can talk with in person? The best thing I can think of is finding your local BDFSM group. There is usually at least one group not to far from larger cities. They will most likely have members that live further away from city as well. How do you find the group(s)? You can look on the internet. Many groups have links to other groups so that you find a group that is close to you. The other thing you can do is ask around at the local sex shops. They should be able to at least point you in the right direction to keep looking if they don't know. Find any regionally printed out adult magazines and contact them telling them what you want to talk in person to other Doms/Domes.

Once you find the closest group to you find out if there is a munch or play date that you can attend. Once you show up be honest about the fact that you want to learn. There is usually one or two people there who tend to take new people under their wing and teach them.

Don't be afraid to talk with slaves/subs as well. Ones that have a good deal of experience will usually being willing to help you as well. They may even agree to allow you to try your first couple of sessions with them as the bottom.

Part 5
This part will be about the question: What if things go wrong?

To be honest this was not planned by me to be a part of the thread. But a personal experience showed me that i should add this.
As a Dom (and this includes myself) you will sometimes feel like you are inerrant and that you have everything under control all the time. But sometimes you have to learn that this is wrong. Things can and will go wrong.
I told you to plan everything to think about the unthinkable, all this is important and will help you prevent many things. Still sooner or later you will make a little mistake, and even if this single mistake doesn't cause a lot of trouble it can get a disaster if 2 or 3 of them fall together.
There can always happen things you didn't predict. Or a little misunderstanding can cause a big effect. Or even a thing meant to help can go totally wrong.
You should always be aware that if things go wrong people can get hurt, and it is also important to mention that i don't talk only about physical things here, most of the time this will also have an psychical effect too. Especially to a person that relies on you to care for them.

Now as we learned that sooner or later these things can and will happen, what should we do if they have happened?
First thing you should do is prevent any more harm to the sub. Stop whatever you are doing, and do whatever is necessary to prevent your sub to be harmed any more. Make sure that everything is ok. Call a doctor if needed. Whatever...
If everything is made to prevent any more harm, the next thing is talk with your sub about it. How does he feel? What was the Problem? How does he see the situation?
If all this is settled you can start to try to find out why the things have gone wrong. Important! This is not to find the offender, most of the time it was your fault anyways, but you need to know were things have gone wrong to see what to change to prevent them from happening again.

After things like this you should always be sure to be there for your Sub. You both have just learned that a Dom is human, and as this lesson can be hard for you it can be even harder for your Sub. Care for them, reassure them that everything will be alright. The worst thing you can do is ignoring them. They need to be able to rely on you especially when something went wrong.

And the last step is learn from it. We all do mistakes sometimes. All we can do is to keep them as minimal as posible. But it is important to learn from them. Analyse what went wrong. Think of what you can change to prevent the same thing from happening again. Don't be afraid to even ask your Sub what he would change.
You can always make a mistake, but you should never do the same one again.

Conclusion:
After something went wrong you should:
- minimize the harm
- talk about it
- analyse what went wrong
- be there for your Sub
- learn from it

I highly suggest that if you’ve been in a relationship for less than a year or if you hardly ever give punishments that a conversation take place before punishment is decided. This way all parties can know; what was done wrong, what should have been done, will there be a punishment or discipline and what the punishment/discipline will be. This way every one is on the same page. (I have problems with Masters that give punishments without a good reason.) By having the discussion, the sub/slave will know where she/he went wrong in the requested task and how to do better the next time a similar task is given. This also gives the sub/slave a chance to tell their side of the story and see if there was a good reason to not perform the given task. It’s supposed to be a system of checks and balances. If, the sub/slave has a good reason then punishment may not happen or it may be lessened from what the Master/Mistress originally thought about doing. The sub/slave may still think that they do not deserve the punishment/discipline, but they will have a better understanding as to why they are receiving it as well as how to perform better the next time.

As Merlin has pointed out this is a learning experience for the Master/Mistress as well as the sub/slave. Both parties will make mistakes, remember even though you are in control of someone else you are still human. It's not all about the physical contact, there is a responsibility to keep your sub/slave mental healthy as well.

Merlin, thank you for sharing your experince and showing that every one will make mistakes in the relationship.

 

[depp]

Wow, simply amazing job Merlin! I never followed the original thread all the way so this was mostly new for me.

On the communication front there is a great article I think has a lot of good information you can extract and apply to the BDSM relationship dynamic, similar to what you talk about in this thread. It's written by an anthropologist but is very accessible and easy to understand.

I Can't Even Open My Mouth
How the Way We Talk Can Make or Break Family Relationships Throughout Our Lives
​

 

[aika]

I agree with every word. Being a dom means you get to decide what happens, but that doesn't mean you get to decide that what you want to happen happens.

You need to get the submssive to do things you will both find enjoyable.

 

[The-Wolf]

Totally agree

I have been curious about this life for some time. I have actively researched multiple avenues. Everything I have learned matches what you say.

Trust loyalty and obedience are what I expect. I may make choices for my slave but I alone carry the burden of the act. I am responsible for my slaves physical emotional and pshcogical well being. I can't say I am shocked at some dims expecting obedience from another's sub just because they are a Dom. Obedience is earned just like love trust and respect. Some people don't seem to realize this.

Love your sub, help them grow and they will do anything to please. Dominating through fear can work. But dominating through love and patience reaps the largest rewards anyone could ask for.

I hope to find a slave ore slaves that will join my house hold. Together we will grow and prosper.

Thank you for this posting. It reaffirmed why I already believe to be true.

 

[Mora]

The first time I ever heard of this term was sarcastically in fifty shades of grey, before that I thought it was only "a spank on the butt", but i'm super surprised to read all about it, in this world you really can live to learn about stuff that you never would of dreamed of before,btw I can see why people would like it.

 

[rheez95]

I learned the dominant and submissive term when I have watched the movie Fifty Shades of Grey. I was curious about it so I searched the meaning of it online. I was shock. First it was just showing videos of a dominant spanking a girl. Then next videos are getting hardcore. There's a metal thing that they insert in the girl's private part and I think that hurts so much.

 

[Tryingtolearn]

As someone relatively new to the dynamics and still learning, thank you, this is a great thread for information!

Whilst I had assumed a lot of the points already, it’s great to know I’m on the right track!