Feeling like a fish out of water at the moment.

[Enquiring minds01]

I wonder, IRL, what would be considered no no for a naturally dominant play partner to do to a vanilla first time open to experimentation?

My playmate is dom & has BDSM partner, and many others he sees, but plays van. w/me cuz I am clueless about what I like or not as I am coming from a 30yr deadroom marriage (which just opened in May to ENM).

I have had 2 previous playdates w/him. The 3rd was on Friday and I experienced a number of firsts ie b.plug stretching, v-stretching & pump into a geyser-like flood, ropes, nipple clamps, ‘bite me bitch’, the list goes on… none of it really discussed or explained in advance other than wanna try this and when it hurt he stopped.

I am not sure what I am thinking and feeling about it all just yet. Still trying to process it all. I am still feeling the v-stretch & pounding. Is that normal?

Mainly want to know what conversations I need to be having w/whom, to work thru what all in my brain. (Am currently jounalling & creating)

I feel like I have been left to it and have not heard from him other than to ask if it was enjoyable.

I do see we are both on the dating site looking at the plethora of other possibilities, but I would have thought he would have checked in with me by now to see; how I am doing or if I how questions or how I feel.

I realise he is also poly, has a primary and a couple of partners and myself (non-labeled) and he is very busy w/work, school & fam. (Am I expecting too much for him to want to know how I am?)

I have so many questions and things I wonder, I doubt it would be appropriate for lengthy texts, but know he’s short on time in life, so… no idea when or how i will get answers I need. It leaves me feeling like a fish out of water.

I don’t like feeling this way and I defo want to sort my head about what I am thinking and feeling before communicating w/him on the topic.

I am also wondering what he got out of it, assuming he’s alway in dom mode? What is the point of stretching anyway? He’s v. well hung and apparently only myself and his wife can take him, so… it does not seem to be used to help accommodate him. (Obvi I am very naieve) Finally, how do I know if this is something I want to continue doing or not?

I had no problem just easily doing what he wanted... So does that make me submissive?? I have no idea!!
Help Naieve Enquiring Mind

 

[subzzzero]

First things first. Have a clothes on, in person, honest open discussion with him.
if he is really a Dom with experience in the lifestyle the approach he used with you was lazy and half assed. He should have explained things before doing them. The plan of what he was going to do, the risks involved, the plan for aftercare etc. asking about any limits or dislikes you might have going into it all. Getting to know you some as well. Sometimes prior Abuse history or ptsd can be triggered by various kink related acts. It sounds very much as if he took advantage of your newness for some easy play where he then failed to follow up with you and actually be there for you as needed.
You said it was vanilla play with you however much of this is actually kink related play he just might not have included the Dom sub portion by way of titles or direction. It was still kinky play.
where you said he called you a bitch is concerning especially if you hadn’t told him you wanted to be called that and enjoyed names such as that. That was just straight disrespect to you.
It also seems he’s mostly ghosting you after the meet which furthers my point on him just seeking easy play with no responsibility.
I would recommend getting his actual kink life experience has he been active for years or just only recently? Make him give you specifics and details. Prior play partner references if possible
Not just im a Dom for a long time etc. more so I’m a Dom I started 14 years ago with lots of research. Found a mentor and explored with his guidance. I went to munches meets dungeons etc. I know the risk Involved with this stretching kink and you might end up with soft tissue tears if we go too fast. You might be bruised and sore from
The pounding. It might cause light bleeding etc. you can call me or text me if you are concerned afterwards and need that reassurance.

The what he got out of it part is all unique to each Dom and sub dynamic. Some enjoy the teaching aspect,
Some the power exchange,
Some just the physical sex stuff.

as far as does this make you submissive. That’s a Journey and answer that only you will know. On the bare basics if you enjoyed serving someone else, you enjoy taking direction, giving up control, prioritizing others pleasure above your own then yes you might have sub qualities.
however you also mention coming out of a dead sexual slump so lots of this very well could be just the action and attention factor filling a hole you’ve had for several years. And maybe you don’t need the kink at all.

 

[Enquiring minds01]

Thank you for responding, subzzzero.
I appreciate your wisdom and advice.

Apolz, I thought in first paragraph I mentioned vanilla and indicated I was interested in experimentation.

When he shared images of his decorative rope techniques, which I defo wanted to try, I thought that was going to be it as far as the experimentation. Ulitmately, he introduced plug asked about V-stretch and I wanted to know what it was and what it was for and why. He didn’t have the best answer.

You are right, there was no explaination of plan, risks, what to expect, aftercare, etc.

I will say on his behalf over the past 2 months (which we have communicated daily via rext or call) he and I have discussed at length my history, definite off-limits things like hands around neck due to past traumatic events and again he tried dissuading BDSM activity saying he wants van w/me as he has a BDSM partner and that’s enough. And i don’t know what I am asking for to try things.

As for the bitch, I agree. Didn’t feel nice.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

I wonder, IRL, what would be considered no no for a naturally dominant play partner to do to a vanilla first time open to experimentation?

My playmate is dom & has BDSM partner, and many others he sees, but plays van. w/me cuz I am clueless about what I like or not as I am coming from a 30yr deadroom marriage (which just opened in May to ENM).

I have had 2 previous playdates w/him. The 3rd was on Friday and I experienced a number of firsts ie b.plug stretching, v-stretching & pump into a geyser-like flood, ropes, nipple clamps, ‘bite me bitch’, the list goes on… none of it really discussed or explained in advance other than wanna try this and when it hurt he stopped.

I am not sure what I am thinking and feeling about it all just yet. Still trying to process it all. I am still feeling the v-stretch & pounding. Is that normal?

Mainly want to know what conversations I need to be having w/whom, to work thru what all in my brain. (Am currently jounalling & creating)

I feel like I have been left to it and have not heard from him other than to ask if it was enjoyable.

I do see we are both on the dating site looking at the plethora of other possibilities, but I would have thought he would have checked in with me by now to see; how I am doing or if I how questions or how I feel.

I realise he is also poly, has a primary and a couple of partners and myself (non-labeled) and he is very busy w/work, school & fam. (Am I expecting too much for him to want to know how I am?)

I have so many questions and things I wonder, I doubt it would be appropriate for lengthy texts, but know he’s short on time in life, so… no idea when or how i will get answers I need. It leaves me feeling like a fish out of water.

I don’t like feeling this way and I defo want to sort my head about what I am thinking and feeling before communicating w/him on the topic.

I am also wondering what he got out of it, assuming he’s alway in dom mode? What is the point of stretching anyway? He’s v. well hung and apparently only myself and his wife can take him, so… it does not seem to be used to help accommodate him. (Obvi I am very naieve) Finally, how do I know if this is something I want to continue doing or not?

I had no problem just easily doing what he wanted... So does that make me submissive?? I have no idea!!
Help Naieve Enquiring Mind

There is an awful lot going on here, no wonder you're feeling confused.
@subzzzero has covered off a lot of it with his post but there are so many questions that just don't add up.

Let's break this down a bit into the various parts that to me seem concerning. First up the basis of this whole relationship seems weird. A dom who wants a vanilla play partner?
Something here just doesn't ring true, I'm not saying it never happens but it's really weird for any dom to be looking for a straight sex partner.
Just so I'm clear here it sounds like you started chatting about kink/bondage etc, and got to know each other over that then he suggested a straight vanilla sex thing would be better?

Now you also say you had a couple of previous sessions, sounds like these were just plain fucking but the third one turned out very different? This is when all the new buffet of kink came out like he was trying all kinds of things on you until you said stop? Had you been asking about the kink stuff, wanting something more than the fucking or did he just spring it all on you? I'm not suggesting any blame here, just trying to understand where the switch came from. My first thought is that if you were asking about more bondage and kink he may have tried to scare you off it by going over the top. Trying to preserve you for sex only.

As @subzzzero mentioned there is always some questionable aspects to people claiming "experience". Even if he has several others he plays with that doesn't mean he knows what he's doing. If the description you give is any guide his techniques are pretty shabby and very inconsiderate. Regardless of how busy his life is he should be taking the time needed to make sure you understand what's going.

The stretching stuff, yes, its common for you to be feeling that days afterwards especially if you're new to it. As to what he gets out of, hard to say. I myself enjoy stretching games for the simple dynamics of how it looks and the challenges it presents to the sub. Some seem to enjoy using it to hurt and this may be his aim with you.

With regards to how easily you went along with him it's a bit tricky. You certainly suggest submissive tendencies however you may also have been in the "explore mode" of simply wanting to know what these experiences were like. Did you actually enjoy the activities or was it simply curiosity driving you along?
You mentioned seeing some bondage examples and said you liked the look of that, was that what you expected, did any bondage occur?

As I said, loads to unpack so feel free to respond with more questions and the folks here will do our best to help you sort this out.

Meantime you may want to take a look at our new Kink Talk University, it's still in the early stages but I have recently discussed the topic of consent and safety. Both of these are applicable here in a major way so I suggest you read them to get a grasp of what's acceptable and what's not.

Kink Talk University

Learning resources, discussions and debates on everything kink.

www.kinktalk.com

 

[Enquiring minds01]

Thx for your care, concern, response & Kink U link.

Re: weird? I can’t comment on that being new. Could he be calling himself dom/bdsm and not really be in the proper category?
We met on dating app, communicating We got together 2xs early May. 3rd x was Fri.

Yes, I ask him re BDSM, as I know nothing and intrigued. We never chatted bondage until he showed me pics of his work which were similar to my most recent photog work.

As an artist I then decided to use bondage as a topic for research and upcoming final degree show.

I asked if he’d be willing to decoratively rope & take pics. He agreed, hesitantly, due to time. He has full-time work, night school, family, 1 BDSM partner, a few other partners of a vanilla ilk plus me. He says it’s enough on his plate.

I may need to find someone else to help me with the bondage photos I require.
How does one shop for a person skilled in ‘kinbaku’ aka wrongly known as ‘Shibari’? (According to Japanese friend)

Yes, our first 2xs were hrs o’vanilla fun exploration.

3rd x, after vanilla, we transitioned into “wanna experiment?” mode. Yes. Out came difft styles of rope to choose from and all manner of things. He used ropes, chained clamps and plug on me up to a certain threshold and stopped.

I trust him to make sure I am not harmed in any way. I never “had to stop an activity”. He was always wary of pleasure and if not, he stopped.

He has always said he is not into inflicting pain. He tells me his pleasure derives from seeing the pleasure in others. Further trust built by his actions having rung true to what I know of him.
On the run-up he has never been anything but kind, caring, attentive, and honest about things. I appreciate the boundaries we have and his ENM marriage rules. Our primaries are our priority. Anything that gets in the way of that is a no-go. Our arrangement is fun 1-2x per mo.

What is the point of preservation?

As for requested meeting, He said no time for F-2-Face for a while, willing to answer ?s via call or text for now. I chose text.
Said He was sad to learn he dropped the ball. He suggested, perhaps he wrongly presumed I was okay when spending lots of time talking after, as I seemed fine. (I mentioned he knows of all my trauma, a follow-up message to check okay would have been appropriate.) *crickets*

I mentioned to him, in future, better comms and need to know what’s going to happen, how, risks, aftercare plan and that this sort of thing seemed SOP. (In response, sent me sub/drop article) *crickets* re: comms request
I mentioned the "Bite me bitch" comment, disrespect, to plz refrain again until discussion re degradation and humiliation to learn if I am down with it or not. I asked, Does that sound fair? *crickets*
What is the difference between a dom/sub physical relationship and BDSM?? Is it not the same?
Good to know the stretching takes time to recover from. I am unsure what he did as he didn’t expand on it when I asked. Said he didn’t do anything in particular that he has felt before there are further openings (most likely ovaries) [hun, they are fallopian tubes] that you can stimulate to bring on the geyser effect.
What challenges does stretching present subs? Is the stretch permanent? I am still feeling the effects of the activity today.

As for my experience, I enjoyed everything, until the next day.

I am still trying to sort out whether it was the phase of experimentation or more. How does one know? Or confirm it’s more? He said it was mild for him but could have been extreme for me. (?)

What I do know is I couldn’t take the internal activity w/hand regularly. Too much “recovery time” involved.
Yes, I did experienced Breast & legs crossed being bound. The leverage ropes provided was very enjoyable.

 

[laulau90]

I wonder, IRL, what would be considered no no for a naturally dominant play partner to do to a vanilla first time open to experimentation?

My playmate is dom & has BDSM partner, and many others he sees, but plays van. w/me cuz I am clueless about what I like or not as I am coming from a 30yr deadroom marriage (which just opened in May to ENM).

I have had 2 previous playdates w/him. The 3rd was on Friday and I experienced a number of firsts ie b.plug stretching, v-stretching & pump into a geyser-like flood, ropes, nipple clamps, ‘bite me bitch’, the list goes on… none of it really discussed or explained in advance other than wanna try this and when it hurt he stopped.

I am not sure what I am thinking and feeling about it all just yet. Still trying to process it all. I am still feeling the v-stretch & pounding. Is that normal?

Mainly want to know what conversations I need to be having w/whom, to work thru what all in my brain. (Am currently jounalling & creating)

I feel like I have been left to it and have not heard from him other than to ask if it was enjoyable.

I do see we are both on the dating site looking at the plethora of other possibilities, but I would have thought he would have checked in with me by now to see; how I am doing or if I how questions or how I feel.

I realise he is also poly, has a primary and a couple of partners and myself (non-labeled) and he is very busy w/work, school & fam. (Am I expecting too much for him to want to know how I am?)

I have so many questions and things I wonder, I doubt it would be appropriate for lengthy texts, but know he’s short on time in life, so… no idea when or how i will get answers I need. It leaves me feeling like a fish out of water.

I don’t like feeling this way and I defo want to sort my head about what I am thinking and feeling before communicating w/him on the topic.

I am also wondering what he got out of it, assuming he’s alway in dom mode? What is the point of stretching anyway? He’s v. well hung and apparently only myself and his wife can take him, so… it does not seem to be used to help accommodate him. (Obvi I am very naieve) Finally, how do I know if this is something I want to continue doing or not?

I had no problem just easily doing what he wanted... So does that make me submissive?? I have no idea!!
Help Naieve Enquiring Mind

Reading this from a sub point of view it sounds like his not a genuine dom at all and he is just using you for sex. Everything should of been discussed upfront with some planning and the fact his not checked in on you makes me question why his calling himself a dom.

Some of the things you’ve said his done with you are not things you’d tend to do in one of the first sessions. He hasn’t even checked if you consented to it by what you’ve said.

I think either have a serious chat with him and talk about what YOU want from him and what you feel comfortable with. If his not ok with that then stay away. There’s plenty of genuine doms out there.

I know a few doms have already responded but if you want to talk drop me a message. I’m a sub myself so can understand how you feel Xx

 

[Misskate]

Hello everyone here, Thanks for accepting me. I'm Mistress Maria Kate by name, 31 years old.
I'm looking for a good, honest, truthful, obedient and understanding slave to own and collar 24/7 in the Bdsm lifestyle again..
If you are interested, text me on Google Hangouts
[email protected]

 

[subzzzero]

Hello everyone here, Thanks for accepting me. I'm Mistress Maria Kate by name, 31 years old.
I'm looking for a good, honest, truthful, obedient and understanding slave to own and collar 24/7 in the Bdsm lifestyle again..
If you are interested, text me on Google Hangouts
[email protected]

This is completely inappropriate here. You are not replying nor contributing any input to this post. You’re just copy pasting your ad seeking out a slave. Further more your profile says you are Straight seeking male subs. None of which are even active in this particular thread. For a so called “experienced mistress” you sure come off as the exact opposite when you post like this.

 

[Enquiring minds01]

Reading this from a sub point of view it sounds like his not a genuine dom at all and he is just using you for sex. Everything should of been discussed upfront with some planning and the fact his not checked in on you makes me question why his calling himself a dom.

Some of the things you’ve said his done with you are not things you’d tend to do in one of the first sessions. He hasn’t even checked if you consented to it by what you’ve said.

I think either have a serious chat with him and talk about what YOU want from him and what you feel comfortable with. If his not ok with that then stay away. There’s plenty of genuine doms out there.

I know a few doms have already responded but if you want to talk drop me a message. I’m a sub myself so can understand how you feel Xx

@laulau90, thank you for offer to talk.

We are using each other for sex. My deadroom marriage is reason for opening to consensual non monogamy.

I am so very content w/the amazing vanilla sex. Although, surprisingly the kink was enjoyable too. I just feel lost after the fact. Maybe I would have clearer “am I/am I not” a sub or into kink answers if all activities were delivered & handled appropriately. (?)

Apologies, let me clarify, there was a consent to the question, wanna try v-stretch? You are right about no consent for clamps and plug. None was requested. I just trust him & went with it. And definitely nothing was expounded upon as @subzzzero said for proper dom would be SOP. (Explain, how, risks, what to expect, aftercare). He couldn’t even tell me reason or benefit for stretching. I said I’d try it.

We have since connected and he planned to call last night to chat, but his plans at home changed and he cancelled the call.

He has just text an apology for name calling saying it wasn’t meant to denigrade or humiliate as I took it. He just enjoys name calling turns him on and will not do it going forward. [he missed the point. I want to talk about names in future before they are used, not stop altogether]. Messaged as much. Anyway, time will tell.

thanks again.

 

[laulau90]

@laulau90, thank you for offer to talk.

We are using each other for sex. My deadroom marriage is reason for opening to consensual non monogamy.

I am so very content w/the amazing vanilla sex. Although, surprisingly the kink was enjoyable too. I just feel lost after the fact. Maybe I would have clearer “am I/am I not” a sub or into kink answers if all activities were delivered & handled appropriately. (?)

Apologies, let me clarify, there was a consent to the question, wanna try v-stretch? You are right about no consent for clamps and plug. None was requested. I just trust him & went with it. And definitely nothing was expounded upon as @subzzzero said for proper dom would be SOP. (Explain, how, risks, what to expect, aftercare). He couldn’t even tell me reason or benefit for stretching. I said I’d try it.

We have since connected and he planned to call last night to chat, but his plans at home changed and he cancelled the call.

He has just text an apology for name calling saying it wasn’t meant to denigrade or humiliate as I took it. He just enjoys name calling turns him on and will not do it going forward. [he missed the point. I want to talk about names in future before they are used, not stop altogether]. Messaged as much. Anyway, time will tell.

thanks again.

You don’t need to be a sub to have kinky sex so don’t worry about the am I a sub or not situation. It’s more about finding out what you enjoy and adding that to your sex life. I get that you concented to the “v stretch” business but I would still of expected him to explain what’s involved and ask you what you want to do. Make sure you know exactly what he is going to do etc there should be no uncertainty about anything in a play session. You should know exactly what is going to happen before he lays a finger on you. It’s his responsibility to make sure you 100% understand everything before.

that’s frustrating that he cancelled the call. This is important and he needs to make the time to listen to you and re assure you. Keep us updated. I really hope it works out Xx

 

[Enquiring minds01]

You don’t need to be a sub to have kinky sex so don’t worry about the am I a sub or not situation. It’s more about finding out what you enjoy and adding that to your sex life. I get that you concented to the “v stretch” business but I would still of expected him to explain what’s involved and ask you what you want to do. Make sure you know exactly what he is going to do etc there should be no uncertainty about anything in a play session. You should know exactly what is going to happen before he lays a finger on you. It’s his responsibility to make sure you 100% understand everything before.

that’s frustrating that he cancelled the call. This is important and he needs to make the time to listen to you and re assure you. Keep us updated. I really hope it works out Xx

Thx. Have messaged the importance to me of face-2-face comms and how texting I hope does not cause any misunderstanding in tone or intent. Time will tell. Thanks.

 

[Enquiring minds01]

Thx. Have messaged the importance to me of face-2-face comms and how texting I hope does not cause any misunderstanding in tone or intent. Time will tell. Thanks.

@laulau90 A quick update: we have communicated, not face to face, however he was irritated I mentioned scenes and dom/subas he says this was not a scene and he does not play that way, only into pleasure and does not like titles, etc.

He Suggested before going any further a face to face (Hmm. now why didn’t I think of that?!).

Long story short, we have communicated and I have come to accept his apology for not being more understanding of my needs and his getting upset.

I now fully understand he will never provide emo support and I was able to accept it and turn to husband for that support. We just won’t play any way that requires

My husband very happy with outcome as this person is in same committed ENM LS we are.

Hub also noticed I have matured in communications as I was not a dog w/a bone, shoving this guy’s own words at him and asking, you really don’t know where I got the idea of scenes, scripting, and caling dom/sub situation from? It’s the reason I looked up what sort of aftercare should have been provided and told him as much about what is expected of a person with re: to aftercare? (That he was not thrilled with)

Could easily have had him go back and read his own typed messages and count the # times he used the word ‘scene’, like in a normal scene, scripted, and the icing on the cake when I said I was feeling weird, he sent me the article about sub & top drop, thus giving the sitch a title… (i felt pretty much in a submissive roll being bound and he did the binding so… seems dom/sub to me, So why is he saying it wasn’t?! Anyway…. No idea.

I am letting it lie. I have agreed to going back to vanilla and if he calls great. If not, it would be a shame to throw in the towel.

 

[subzzzero]

This sounds like you called him on his bluffs and he’s not willing to man up and take responsibility. All the points you mention lean to sub Dom and scenes. Especially him referring you to sub drop. Even if he feels it was just vanilla why is getting so upset at you for asking questions. Lots of times when people get defensive like that it’s just their own insecurities not allowing them to take responsibility. I would definitely lay out clear precise boundaries for what you both mutually consider vanilla or not. He’s clearly not as experienced as he may claim to be. Just because he has play times with multiple subs does not make him a good experienced Dom. A lot of flags here throughout this discussion. I would be removing myself from the situation personally. But I also understand you’re getting something from this that is a positive. So this will be a decision that only you will be able to determine as far as is do the pros outweigh the cons.

 

[Enquiring minds01]

This sounds like you called him on his bluffs and he’s not willing to man up and take responsibility. All the points you mention lean to sub Dom and scenes. Especially him referring you to sub drop. Even if he feels it was just vanilla why is getting so upset at you for asking questions. Lots of times when people get defensive like that it’s just their own insecurities not allowing them to take responsibility. I would definitely lay out clear precise boundaries for what you both mutually consider vanilla or not. He’s clearly not as experienced as he may claim to be. Just because he has play times with multiple subs does not make him a good experienced Dom. A lot of flags here throughout this discussion. I would be removing myself from the situation personally. But I also understand you’re getting something from this that is a positive. So this will be a decision that only you will be able to determine as far as is do the pros outweigh the cons.

@subzzzero thank you for your thoughts. We spoke just this eve. He says we’ll be friends w/no benefits going forward. (LOL! Oh, okay! Not!) Says he cannot get past the feeling I left him with. [Really? I wonder if it is the same one he left me with?] I am going to let sleeping dogs lie. He lost my trust in more ways than one. Seems to me he has such an ego (or narcissistic tendancies) he cannot see the forest thru the trees to take responsibility for his actions and lack there of. Plus, his saying he will never there for emo support. Wow!! What kind of Friend is that?! Not one I need, thx you very much. Hubby says, watch he’ll be back, sniffing around when his sources have dried up and he’s at a loose end one day hoping to play. Who knows? Who cares? I have other people in my world who do not treat me badly.

 

[subzzzero]

Im glad you made your own choices and glad you were able to see him for what he was. This is a good learning exp for you going forward you now know lots to be looking out for. And yes hubs is prob right. People like that always come back around when it gets slow. As if anyone would forget how shitty they were before hand. I wish you luck in finding a real good solid Dom connection. You sound as if you deserve it. Check out local munches and start getting connected to the community. They are also helpful sometimes at warning you about the shitty predator type people.

 

[Enquiring minds01]

Im glad you made your own choices and glad you were able to see him for what he was. This is a good learning exp for you going forward you now know lots to be looking out for. And yes hubs is prob right. People like that always come back around when it gets slow. As if anyone would forget how shitty they were before hand. I wish you luck in finding a real good solid Dom connection. You sound as if you deserve it. Check out local munches and start getting connected to the community. They are also helpful sometimes at warning you about the shitty predator type people.

@subzzzero Thank you for your well wishes. You are correct, I deserve a good connection. I had no idea what a munch was until now. Thanks for the shout. I will take a look around as and when I am ready.