Female Switch.. with a Vanilla Spouse..

[MistressHandcuffs]

Hey everyone, I am new here. . . so not sure what to honestly title this post (haha).
I have known for several years that I am a Switch, and for several years I've been exploring the BDSM lifestyle more and more.. without violating the boundaries of my present marriage.
My spouse is "vanilla", rarely gives me affection, rarely touches me, rarely compliments me, etc. Sexually, it's very quick, very brief, vanilla, missionary... and well.. boring,
He has known for a long time that I am a Switch, he knows that I would like to be a Switch more, but he is not open to experiencing or allowing my "dominant" side to come out with him when in the bedroom in any capacity.. and at the same time, he won't really meet the needs I have when I am in a submissive and/or dominant mood/mind frame.
I have had open, honest conversations with him. I have expressed how I want to explore being a Switch more both sexually and romantically with him, that I am interested in finding and going to any local BDSM clubs (if my area even has them), to make friends who are more like-minded to me, and to explore the lifestyle more, learn more. He shuts a door with the communication, will not try new things or give it a try to explore this lifestyle and see if there's anything he would enjoy trying or experiencing.
Yet, at the same time, he will always say "I'll agree to bringing another female into our relationship sexually and romantically", when he knows I am not open to another woman (sexually - as in I do not do threesomes, am not sexually attracted to women, nor into watching others having sex) in our relationship, instead, I would be more open to him having his own submissive/relationship with another woman that is kept outside of our house and life, just as I would have my own submissive or another switch on my end (if he were to agree to exploring more).

We have discussed different relationship styles such as non-monogamous and poly.. but it's like he refuses to engage in conversation or even find a way to compromise so both of our needs and desires are met and respected. It's all one sided with him. He wants to pursue it just his way, not in ways that could be helpful for both of us, instead of just one of us.

Any tips/advice for how I can re-approach this discussion with him, and discuss how exploring this lifestyle could enhance our intimacy and sexual lives, and how to discuss with him my having my own switch/submissive, while he can have another female in his life (as he would put it)?

Hopefully this post makes sense, lol.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Hello and welcome!

Sadly this is an all too common scenario, a developing interest in kink with a vanilla partner uninterested in resolving it. If you've been reading through older posts in this forum I'm sure you'll have already seen a couple of examples of similar situations.

You are doing the right thing, communication is the only way forward however as you note it's very difficult when the other party doesn't want to engage in the discussion. And it seems in this regard he has one and only one fantasy that is off the table for you so moving forward seems problematic.

My feeling here is that you've reached out and offered so at this point perhaps moving into some active research, finding your local community (there always is one, just might not be local local if you know what I mean) and attend some munches. Get to know the peeps and see what goes on, it may not be what you expect or want and as long as you let him know I don't really see a problem. At the munch stage there is no kink activity, just chat so it's not like you'll be "cheating" or anything.

There's looking after your relationship and then there's looking after yourself. If this is eating away at you as it seems to be you really need to prioritize yourself at this stage and investigate at the very least. Maybe when you do it might give him an impetus to look for a play partner himself?

Of course this is all simply my opinion, you know you so take from it what you will.

Good luck!

 

[Merlin]

Hey everyone, I am new here. . . so not sure what to honestly title this post (haha).
I have known for several years that I am a Switch, and for several years I've been exploring the BDSM lifestyle more and more.. without violating the boundaries of my present marriage.

Hi, also a welcome from me

As dropton said this is a common thing, there is a good amount of people that get into d/s even at an early age but for a lot it is something that blooms up later in their life, that often comes with already existing vanilla relationships. And that makes things very complex...

...but he is not open to experiencing or allowing my "dominant" side to come out with him when in the bedroom in any capacity.. and at the same time, he won't really meet the needs I have when I am in a submissive and/or dominant mood/mind frame.

I will be blunt , because you have changed the situation and being dominant or submissive is not a choice, expecting him to enjoy it, while understandable out of your viewpoint, is not fair towards him.

I will tell you the same that I told people in your situation before.
Yes your partner may change and enjoy it too but it is not a given and the chances are not that big. Being comfortable to switch is even less likely.
And that is also not something they should have to do if it is against what they feel.

Think about it for a moment , what you expect from him is the same as when he wants to bring another women in, were you feel that you should have the right to say "that is nothing for me" , and i fully agree with you there, but he has the same right to say "not for me" when it comes to submitting to you for example...

You cant just decide to enjoy another women sexually as he cant just decide to enjoy the idea of Dom/sub

That doesn't mean finding a compromise may not be possible, but it will need to not include the other person changing who he/she is

We have discussed different relationship styles such as non-monogamous and poly.. but it's like he refuses to engage in conversation or even find a way to compromise so both of our needs and desires are met and respected. It's all one sided with him. He wants to pursue it just his way, not in ways that could be helpful for both of us, instead of just one of us.

Poly is a way out of the situation and i have seen it work very well with vanilla partners and with switches together with a non switch.

But it needs all parties to agree with it, and tends to come with a big potential of jealousy. That means it requires a lot of communicating between everyone involved.

In addition to the fact that it is something he seams to not be interested in at all

Any tips/advice for how I can re-approach this discussion with him, and discuss how exploring this lifestyle could enhance our intimacy and sexual lives, and how to discuss with him my having my own switch/submissive, while he can have another female in his life (as he would put it)?

There is not an easy answer to that...
Communicating is important, and it is good that you do so , a lot people will hide these things till they got out of hand. I would advice you to go on with that.

You are the one in this case who changes the rules of the marriage you have, changing isn't bad per se but keep that in mind.
Try to picture how it would feel for you if he would change something that you had no interest in changing

Try to communicate to him how you feel , what it means to you, try not to convince him or demand from him to change.
Talk with him what he would like, without judging, but to learn what he wants and give it the same respect you would want for your desires.
Try not to create pressure, as this often just creates defensive behavior.
You can try to look things up together with him for example.
Ask him what his thoughts are about different aspects, but accept if it is something he has no interest in.
Maybe look for small things that may give a bit of the feeling, Cuffs, rough sex, light spanking without the dom/sub aspects are common enough with vanilla couples too.
Roleplaying can also be a way to get some parts, without having to give in to all aspects of it. maybe look into if that is an option

That might help, or it wont...

This is not an easy situation for both sides