Giving up on BDSM
- Thread starter Cammi brown
- Start date
Hello and welcome, I notice you only just joined us so first up I'm curious what you've been doing to try and meet a Dom up to this point?
Just generically I would say this, 6 months is really just "training wheels" time for getting started in BDSM. There are many things that come into play when starting out but possibly the most important is working out exactly what it is you're searching for. There is no one size fits all in BDSM, Dom's and subs come in many flavors so as a starting point you really need to define what you expect. This does not mean what you decide now is how it must always be, you will almost certainly grow and develop other interests as you progress but having some specifics gives you common ground to discuss with your potential Dom.
A second BIG problem for all newbie female subs is that you will be targeted by predatory idiots pretending to be Doms when all they really want is to get a bunch of photos of you nude or masturbating. Once they get what they want (or don't) they will just ghost on you leaving you wondering what you did wrong when the problem isn't with you at all.
So my advice is to just keep looking around, do lots of reading and posting that way you get know others and they get to know you. Ask lots of questions, ignore demands and find what you want.
Just generically I would say this, 6 months is really just "training wheels" time for getting started in BDSM. There are many things that come into play when starting out but possibly the most important is working out exactly what it is you're searching for. There is no one size fits all in BDSM, Dom's and subs come in many flavors so as a starting point you really need to define what you expect. This does not mean what you decide now is how it must always be, you will almost certainly grow and develop other interests as you progress but having some specifics gives you common ground to discuss with your potential Dom.
A second BIG problem for all newbie female subs is that you will be targeted by predatory idiots pretending to be Doms when all they really want is to get a bunch of photos of you nude or masturbating. Once they get what they want (or don't) they will just ghost on you leaving you wondering what you did wrong when the problem isn't with you at all.
So my advice is to just keep looking around, do lots of reading and posting that way you get know others and they get to know you. Ask lots of questions, ignore demands and find what you want.
You may want to try getting involved in your local community. Look for munches and events in your area. It might seem scary but I promise people will be surprisingly polite, even if you are shy. If online is your primary interest I advise setting a high bar and sticking to it. Create a filter that asks for something in return early on. You are actually in demand, be very clear what you are looking for and make sure people really deserve you.
I can totally relate. I'm pretty sure it's not you fault. I got the same experiences and gave up on it a couple times. I always come back. Why? Because BDSM is an elemental part of my life, of me. I can't be without it. But everytime I try, the internet fails me. I guess, the internet is just too big. If only 1% of all humans are duchebags, the internet has millions of it. And those are a lot louder. I don't want to discourage you. Quite the opposite: I guess it's worth the effort, even if it's pretty frustrating most of the time.
The fact that you didn't just disappear and instead created this post tells me, that you're much similar to me. You're frustrated about what happens online, but at the same time you know, that you need to find somebody. Unfortunately I don't have a solution to your problems. But I'm somebody who can relate. And perhaps we can make a difference eventually. If we build a team and let this team grow, you'll eventually find the person you need within this group.
It took me years, and numerous partners, to finally find my fit. Patience definitely pays off. If it's something that you genuinely love, it's very hard to give up on no matter how hard you try.
It's definitely worth researching whether there is an established group or "munch" in your local area and give it a go with some experienced like minded people who will definitely be willing to help you explore and understand what you personally want out of a D/s relationship.
Like-minded people are out there, unfortunately there are also a lot of people who really don't understand what D/s really means. You'll get there in the end, it just takes a little time, but if you invest that time in getting to understand what it is you really want, it will pay you back later
It's definitely worth researching whether there is an established group or "munch" in your local area and give it a go with some experienced like minded people who will definitely be willing to help you explore and understand what you personally want out of a D/s relationship.
Like-minded people are out there, unfortunately there are also a lot of people who really don't understand what D/s really means. You'll get there in the end, it just takes a little time, but if you invest that time in getting to understand what it is you really want, it will pay you back later
all I ever looked was on one site all the others cost money.
First decide what you want out of BDSM. why do you want to be active in it? what kinks interest you etc? Then as others mentioned start researching and learning. Real doms wont just jump right into tasking you or wanting nudes. Those type are just horny guys looking for a wank under the guise of the dom title. A real connection should start with open discussion on the likes dislikes limits expectations of both sides long before ever moving into tasking and seeking out nudes. AS stated above the lifestyle is full of manipulators and predators who like the "new meat" due to its lack of knowledge in the subject matter. They always get outed in time unfortunately some get hurt before that comes to light. Trust your gut, make good friends, learn all you can, get lots of different views on all subject matter. There's decent people in the lifestyle you just have to weed through the bullshit. My personal exp and with talking and mentoring many subs over many years. Doms, good legit quality doms... youll find 1 out of every 50-100 are that type when online. Also dont post a seeking type ad, thats ringing the dinner bell for the thirsty predators. Its not disprespectful to just ignore someones messages who come off as thirsty and not concerned about your needs. Block button is your best friend. Go through some of the posts here others have made about new subs finding doms etc theres some quality material that will be super helpful in your journey. Red flags to watch for tips tricks etc. Good luck on your search i hope you give it another shot.