have it both ways

[pilrx]

under introspection

 

[Merlin]

You talk about the subject as if you had years of experience , still you claim to be 21 and that you with 21 finished a Psychologist education... something isn't adding up there ... doesn't make your point invalid but still very strange

To the subject I 100% made the opposite experience in my 25 years of being together with subs, the by far best experiences I had was with subs that I also shared a romantic relationship with. I never felt that it took away my dominance or power, more the exact opposite. Knowing them and them knowing me and wanting to share these things makes it all so much more meaningful compared to subs that I only meet from time to time. Don't get me wrong that is also fun but it is shallow in comparison to someone that knows every aspect of you and wants to submit to you fully, Not because you are some "stranger" they know almost nothing about but because they know you in good and bad times and trust you to look after them and be in control.
I would never even start a romantic relationship if she wasn't submissive. I am dominant , that is part of my being, my every day me, I would never be happy with a partner that doesn't want that side of me and it would be unfair towards my partner to be not fully myself.

 

[subzzzero]

An observation I've made throughout the years is that my romantic relationship and bdsm relationship are always separate like oil and water. Yes, I've had romantic partners that are into bdsm, but I find it difficult to maintain my headspace and my usual dominance & strictness when engaging in bdsm with them. Things work differently with bdsm slaves; I prefer to not let them get to know aspects of me that are not relevant while knowing many aspects of them. In this case, my dominance and strictness feel organic and pervasive. There actually has been one or two slaves that knew me very well while maintaining exceptional service. But someone like that comes rarely, and I'm not counting on that.

I've turned down slaves' requests to become romantic partners almost every time in fear of losing the optimal power balance we constructed. Every now and then, someone would come through and say "if shes the right person/if you do it right, there shouldn't be a problem", and so I tried a few times but to no avail. As a Dom, I am powerful and controlling whilst as a person, I have my vulnerabilities. I'm not afraid of sharing my vulnerabilities with my romantic partners, but it would be a mental block to share things with slaves. Sometimes I enjoy the two sides of me, and I sometimes appreciate the fact that they rarely fully mix. After the pleasure of fully immersing in the character of either one side of me, then comes the restless longing for the other side. I am curious to know if anyone else feels the same as I. If you're someone who went through the same thing but found a solution then please don't hesitate to offer some enlightenment.

So i gotta agree on the first part of @Merlin ’s discussion. I don’t think at this point with a max of 3 actual years of active practice at best in Legit kink that you’ve had the time to make the assessment accurately. If they were long lasting dynamics then it would have eaten up most that 3years with only one or two dynamics at most. What it sounds more like with the implied quantities is that you’ve had lots of short term play partners whether they be a few months at best or less before moving on to the next.

Anyways on to the point.
Yes you can have both in the same person and yes you can have both with two separate persons. I’ve had it both ways across 15yrs being active. When I say active I Mean actually a legit 15yrs active after the mentoring process after all the research. Not just “I’m looking on fetlife or playing on Kik groups occasionally”.
My relationships both kink and not have been years long each time with most ending on mutual terms and we still talk as friends.

I have had it separate with one who's filling the kink role and one who’s not. I also have had a few kink people who fill various kink specific roles the others cannot in a poly type situation all parties aware. And finally I have had several who were the kink and romance mix.

They all have their pros and cons and that’s for each person to determine their needs and do what fits best.

A prior sub who was keeping it strictly kink we agreed in negotiations we both just weren’t at a stage for a vanilla romance thing at that time. In the second year we had grown so close the Romance parts developed organically and we just addressed it adjusted and moved on and it was great having both.

Here Comes the brutal honesty part. What concerns me and I suggest maybe you look into is the “why” for yourself. What do you want/need? Why can’t you have both? What causes the issues for you? Just reading over your posts. It seems like you’ve made this Dom role of yours to play a part that’s opposite of your daily life. Like a fantasy escape to be someone youre not in real life. You seem to focus a lot on not being vulnerable or not seeming weak by communicating your feelings to an S type. Yet you ask a lot of them with not willing to give much of yourself.
This post for example

under introspection

under introspection

www.kinktalk.com

It reads like empty fantasy bdsm porn.
Here’s the body of it copied over:

Are you born to serve? Sexually, domestically and mentally? Cuz I don’t just want your body, I demand your mind and your soul. I might train you starting from basic obedience, endurance and commitment. Don’t even think about sexual service unless I decide you are worthy enough. My rules are strict and my standards are high. It doesn’t matter who you are, or who you think you are. To me, you will be nothing. My nothing. You will come when I want, and leave when I want. I will use you when I want, where I want and how I want. If I bless you with an order, you follow. Blindly. I will expect you to switch on the part of your brain used for service and switch everything off. When I say jump, you don’t ask how high. You just jump as high as you can. Are you ready to let go?

I underlined and made bold text of the stuff that just seems fantasy. And these same expectations you have, come with you not wanting to share any in return as you might feel vulnerable and think you’ve lost power. If you have these insecurities then that’s probably a good starting point for some self reflection.
You basically want a long term slave with next to no limits who will do anything you say without question. Yet all youll give in return is the shallow surface Dom part youre playing in the moment. It’s like an actor in a movie. I know a lot of subs who would never invest on that level with a Dom whos not willing to share back in some form. You want blind faith submission but still wish to hide what/who you really are from them. It’s super one sided. Im
sure youll find matches but I’m guessing they all will be short lasting until one or the other gets bored and moves on due to the empty lacking relationship.