How to get over being dumped by my Dom?

[appleicetea]

My sympathies for what happened to you. I’m hearing only one side here, but you have related a credible story, one I’ve heard too many times, unfortunately. New submissive women often get taken advantage of and then discarded, leaving them confused and heartbroken. Perhaps you should consider he was at fault, not you. My advice is to stop blaming yourself and imagining this happened because of your shortcomings. Being an average girl is no shortcoming. Any man representing himself as a Dom who chooses a submissive based solely on attractiveness is a superficial jerk. I am sure it doesn’t feel that way now, but assuming you’ve shared an accurate account, and I have no reason to do doubt you did, you should probably be thankful. This person sounds like a predator masquerading as a Dom to me. There are many of those around. The “open relationship” should have been a red flag. And I’m sure you deserve better than that. Be well.

Thank you for your kind words. It’s been five months now and I’m still thinking of him every day. I try to focus on the bright side - the happy moments we shared, and let go of the sadness. I’m still working on it but I’m getting better.

 

[Yo.]

Time is a good healer they said. Smile.

 

[bdsmfanatic]

My Dom told me recently that he found a new sub and will stop the D/s relationship with me. He informed me this politely but didn’t make it hurt less. My heart sank. And I hate myself for everything - my appearance, my inexperience of being a sub, and things that make me less worthy/capable as his new sub, though he didn’t tell me what went wrong.

We’ve been in a D/s for around a year. I had the feeling that I’m dating up since the first time we met. Throughout our first conversation, I knew he used to date physically attractive women (classic beauties). Knowing this made me become more self conscious about my shortcomings - mostly my appearance and my body (I’m just an average girl). But this also pushed me to try my very best to accomplish tasks assigned by him. I don’t want to disappoint him. Every “well done”, “good girl” he said made me dancing-on-air happy.

I have a strong feeling towards him. We made it clear that this is a D/s relationship and all I wanted is to be his sub (vs girlfriend). I’m ok with him having an open relationship with others. I just never expected now that he found a new sub and ended our relationship.

I thought very hard to figure out what went wrong, then realised whatever it is actually doesn’t matter. He has made the decision already. Though we’ve never said forever, this is hurting me so much.

None of my friends know that I’m a sub that’s why I’m writing here…

It's something that he felt was right for him, at the end of the day. I understand that him moving onto someone else hurts, but that's a good thing for you, because if someone you are with is so quick to run to a new person, then what does that say about them as a person?

As far as your insecurities are concerned, your feelings are valid. I've had a lot of times where I've felt I'm not attractive enough, or my body isn't enough, or I'm not experienced enough, but still, somehow, I find people who are attracted to me. You may feel that you're average, but you'll still find people who will say you're the most beautiful person they've ever met!! It's crazy how attraction works and how we feel about different people.

My point is, try and put your energy towards people who will appreciate who you are right now, as the inexperienced sub, rather than as what you can be (comparing yourself to other people your Dom has dated).

You can post on Show and Tell if you feel confident enough, or basically talk to a friend about how they perceive you, how they feel you are as a person, why they like you, what makes them want to be your friend?

It's what people who care about us and keep us in their lives who matter more than people who we want to please.

I hope you find the support you need : ))

 

[Zanatas]

My Dom told me recently that he found a new sub and will stop the D/s relationship with me. He informed me this politely but didn’t make it hurt less. My heart sank. And I hate myself for everything - my appearance, my inexperience of being a sub, and things that make me less worthy/capable as his new sub, though he didn’t tell me what went wrong.

We’ve been in a D/s for around a year. I had the feeling that I’m dating up since the first time we met. Throughout our first conversation, I knew he used to date physically attractive women (classic beauties). Knowing this made me become more self conscious about my shortcomings - mostly my appearance and my body (I’m just an average girl). But this also pushed me to try my very best to accomplish tasks assigned by him. I don’t want to disappoint him. Every “well done”, “good girl” he said made me dancing-on-air happy.

I have a strong feeling towards him. We made it clear that this is a D/s relationship and all I wanted is to be his sub (vs girlfriend). I’m ok with him having an open relationship with others. I just never expected now that he found a new sub and ended our relationship.

I thought very hard to figure out what went wrong, then realised whatever it is actually doesn’t matter. He has made the decision already. Though we’ve never said forever, this is hurting me so much.

None of my friends know that I’m a sub that’s why I’m writing here…

I totally understand the situation, went through the same just last month when my play partner (that I was planning on turning into my sub) had found another Dom and chose him. It sucks, really, but you got to understand that:
1 - it's not your fault in anyway.
2 - you don't know what made him choose the other sub, and you shouldn't compare yourself to her

Maybe they formed a better connection in a short time, maybe their kinks were more compatible with each other, maybe he had love at first sight, there's no way to know and it truly doesn't matter, because it already happened. I'm sorry for what you're going through and I hope it gets better but I'm just going to reinforce that you are not at fault, we're humans and random stuff happens to us and our brains every time.

 

[appleicetea]

It's something that he felt was right for him, at the end of the day. I understand that him moving onto someone else hurts, but that's a good thing for you, because if someone you are with is so quick to run to a new person, then what does that say about them as a person?

As far as your insecurities are concerned, your feelings are valid. I've had a lot of times where I've felt I'm not attractive enough, or my body isn't enough, or I'm not experienced enough, but still, somehow, I find people who are attracted to me. You may feel that you're average, but you'll still find people who will say you're the most beautiful person they've ever met!! It's crazy how attraction works and how we feel about different people.

My point is, try and put your energy towards people who will appreciate who you are right now, as the inexperienced sub, rather than as what you can be (comparing yourself to other people your Dom has dated).

You can post on Show and Tell if you feel confident enough, or basically talk to a friend about how they perceive you, how they feel you are as a person, why they like you, what makes them want to be your friend?

It's what people who care about us and keep us in their lives who matter more than people who we want to please.

I hope you find the support you need : ))

Why is that everything you said is something that I already know, yet I’m so deeply touched by your words. I felt I’ve been judging myself so harsh that I rarely truly appreciate myself, and I’ve been trying so hard to present the best of myself to my Dom and finding that’s not enough hurt a lot.

Updates - he actually reached out to me few months ago and we reconnected. After awhile he tried to push my limits. I’m feeling quite uneasy now but I want him so badly :’( Things like this keep happening because i did look for another Dom but in vain. So I really don’t want to lose him.

I know it’s not a healthy relationship, there’re red flags here and there, it’s just very difficult to let go.

I actually feel so bad telling this here as I’m obviously not making a smart decision even after receiving all your good advices. Sigh

 

[appleicetea]

I totally understand the situation, went through the same just last month when my play partner (that I was planning on turning into my sub) had found another Dom and chose him. It sucks, really, but you got to understand that:
1 - it's not your fault in anyway.
2 - you don't know what made him choose the other sub, and you shouldn't compare yourself to her

Maybe they formed a better connection in a short time, maybe their kinks were more compatible with each other, maybe he had love at first sight, there's no way to know and it truly doesn't matter, because it already happened. I'm sorry for what you're going through and I hope it gets better but I'm just going to reinforce that you are not at fault, we're humans and random stuff happens to us and our brains every time.

Thank you so much. It’s interesting that when I read your message that I realised I’ve forgot all these basic things. It’s really as simple as that, yet why did I blame myself so much? Well, and even now that I’m more aware of this, I still can’t help thinking that it’s my imperfections that made him leave; and recently he reached me out again, I’ve been so worried that my imperfections will make him leaves me again.

Anyways, thank you so so much for your kind words. I can’t fully control how I see myself but I’ll try better!

 

[bdsmfanatic]

Why is that everything you said is something that I already know, yet I’m so deeply touched by your words. I felt I’ve been judging myself so harsh that I rarely truly appreciate myself, and I’ve been trying so hard to present the best of myself to my Dom and finding that’s not enough hurt a lot.

Updates - he actually reached out to me few months ago and we reconnected. After awhile he tried to push my limits. I’m feeling quite uneasy now but I want him so badly :’( Things like this keep happening because i did look for another Dom but in vain. So I really don’t want to lose him.

I know it’s not a healthy relationship, there’re red flags here and there, it’s just very difficult to let go.

I actually feel so bad telling this here as I’m obviously not making a smart decision even after receiving all your good advices. Sigh

You're welcome )
You know, as a society, we've come to a point where we assign behaviours a binary, good or bad. Often, we do things because that's what our hearts desires, and whether that's selfish, good or bad, we're still going to do it.

If you had a really healthy dynamic with a dom you really liked, and he filled the same gap in your heart as this one, we both know you would jump to him in an instant, but since you don't have that guy, and you don't want to be alone, you're here with this dude.

Anyways, its important to recognise why you are doing something "unhealthy/toxic" before you start to judge yourself for doing it. Sometimes you just can't help it and that's fine