I'm new here and need advice

[Nicci]

My husband recently told me he has been in several D/s relationships over the last several years in which he is the Dom. I am curious if there are any other spouses out there who are Vanilla and accept that their sig other enjoys this alternate lifestyle? Any advice on making this work in our marriage?

 

[subzzzero]

So was this all done behind your back and with no prior discussion? In that case unless you both agreed to an open relationship he’s been cheating. Simple as that.
Now as far as the actual question. Can it work? Well yes but that all depends on the two people involved and it’s unique to each pair. I have had several subs who were married or dating vanilla. They like to keep things separate. But the spouse (who had no desire to involve kink) approved knowing This was a part of their lovers life that was needed. Other times couples find out one is into kink and decide to maybe explore together and see if it works.
Ultimately it comes down to communication. If you wish to explore with him then offer that up and try. If you are ok with him getting it elsewhere then set limits boundaries between the two of you so that things aren’t Crossed. Maybe certain things are reserved for you two only. Maybe you want only certain times days etc. maybe you just prefer not know at all and let him just continue on as is. But this all Definitely needs to be discussed. You’re married obviously you two match up well somehow. So you should both be able to have this convo. Be open and honest and see where it takes you. Im
Sorry I can’t give better specific advice but it’s unique to each person and not knowing a lot of the details only allows for general advice.

 

[Rumamed]

It is probably also important what role you would like to play in the relationship with your husband. If you feel more submissive or if you want to be dominant. Were those relationships online or real?

 

[Doctor Pervert]

My husband recently told me he has been in several D/s relationships over the last several years in which he is the Dom. I am curious if there are any other spouses out there who are Vanilla and accept that their sig other enjoys this alternate lifestyle? Any advice on making this work in our marriage?

I've moved this to the appropriate section as it may get lost in Show and Tell.

You haven't mentioned how you feel in this, are you ok with his affairs, were you aware of them and he only recently told you they were BDSM?
These are pretty fundamental to understanding what kind of advice to give.
Are you at all interested in becoming submissive and undertaking BDSM type activities with him, or are you more looking on how to proceed with him "getting his fix" of BDSM elsewhere?

 

[Nicci]

So was this all done behind your back and with no prior discussion? In that case unless you both agreed to an open relationship he’s been cheating. Simple as that.
Now as far as the actual question. Can it work? Well yes but that all depends on the two people involved and it’s unique to each pair. I have had several subs who were married or dating vanilla. They like to keep things separate. But the spouse (who had no desire to involve kink) approved knowing This was a part of their lovers life that was needed. Other times couples find out one is into kink and decide to maybe explore together and see if it works.
Ultimately it comes down to communication. If you wish to explore with him then offer that up and try. If you are ok with him getting it elsewhere then set limits boundaries between the two of you so that things aren’t Crossed. Maybe certain things are reserved for you two only. Maybe you want only certain times days etc. maybe you just prefer not know at all and let him just continue on as is. But this all Definitely needs to be discussed. You’re married obviously you two match up well somehow. So you should both be able to have this convo. Be open and honest and see where it takes you. Im
Sorry I can’t give better specific advice but it’s unique to each person and not knowing a lot of the details only allows for general advice.

Thank you for the advice.
While I realize he has been cheating, I am not so obtuse as to not recognize my faults and shortcomings as a wife both emotionally and in the bedroom. We are working on strengthening our bond both as a couple and in our sex life, he never thought I would be interested in exploring bondage and kinky activities bc in the past I had an unknown medical illness and condition that affected both my libido and comfort when having sex. We have been in a slow decline for over 10 years and neither one of us came forward with our wants and needs and we settled into a life of security and comfort, forgetting to surprise one another.
We are going to slowly begin to explore my comfort levels with BDSM and I am eager to explore just how kinky I can be. Any advice on where to begin? I forgot that I can be a sensual woman and I do need a bit of romancing but I would love to learn again how to properly fuck my husband, it doesn't always have to be vanilla.

 

[Nicci]

I've moved this to the appropriate section as it may get lost in Show and Tell.

You haven't mentioned how you feel in this, are you ok with his affairs, were you aware of them and he only recently told you they were BDSM?
These are pretty fundamental to understanding what kind of advice to give.
Are you at all interested in becoming submissive and undertaking BDSM type activities with him, or are you more looking on how to proceed with him "getting his fix" of BDSM elsewhere?

I was not aware of the affairs but I did have my suspicions. While I am very hurt by this latest affair with his sub as it has been going on for 3 years, I still believe in our marriage and I still believe we can rekindle the passion we once had for one another.
While I realize he has been cheating, I am not so obtuse as to not recognize my faults and shortcomings as a wife both emotionally and in the bedroom. We are working on strengthening our bond both as a couple and in our sex life, he never thought I would be interested in exploring bondage and kinky activities bc in the past I had an unknown medical illness and condition that affected both my libido and comfort when having sex. We have been in a slow decline for over 10 years and neither one of us came forward with our wants and needs and we settled into a life of security and comfort, forgetting to surprise one another.
We are going to slowly begin to explore my comfort levels with BDSM and I am eager to explore just how kinky I can be. Any advice on where to begin? I forgot that I can be a sensual woman and I do need a bit of romancing but I would love to learn again how to properly fuck my husband, it doesn't always have to be vanilla.

 

[Nicci]

It is probably also important what role you would like to play in the relationship with your husband. If you feel more submissive or if you want to be dominant. Were those relationships online or real?

They were real. I am open to exploring this lifestyle with him and to figure out what I am comfortable with. Sometimes I like to be dominant but I can be very insecure about my skills, crazy I know coming from a grown woman, but more often than not I enjoy the more submissive role. I have been fairly closed up sexually over the last 10 years due to various health issues but I now want to open up and explore. We are going to slowly begin to explore my comfort levels with BDSM and I am eager to explore just how kinky I can be. Any advice on where to begin? I forgot that I can be a sensual woman and I do need a bit of romancing but I would love to learn again how to properly fuck my husband, it doesn't always have to be vanilla.

 

[subzzzero]

So first thing to approach is does he want to Work on the marriage and does he want to explore the kink stuff with you? You mentioned numerous times you want to make it work. You think and believe in the marriage and want to rekindle. But does he feel the same ?
(I’m sorry that comes off as harsh but there’s not an easy way to ask that one)
The other part to this is how to handle the current 3 year long dynamic. Is he willing to end that? And is that healthy for him? you? Her?

He sounds like he’s been fairly experienced with the amount of time and other dynamics he has had. So he can most definitely help you along the way with the learning and guidance.

As far as where to begin..... I would suggest that you both find a couple common ground simple kinks. Ask yourself the why. Ask him the why. It helps to know the mental connection piece. Do some research on your own. Fetlife is a good site with lots of info. (Sorry admin I normally don’t list other sites here)
The conversation between you two needs to happen as to what level you want to be going to. For example when you talk about it you relate lots of this to the sexual aspect. But there is a lot to kink and Dom sub dynamics that has nothing to do with sex. So some of those may be even easier to explore for a beginner. But again it depends on what you want, what he wants, and what you’re willing to do. Examples of submission non sexual is choosing clothing or underwear for you. Formal addressing yes sir no sir. Submissive Positions or service sub actions. Like getting him a drink or greeting him a specific routine or manner as he arrived home each day.
Impact play can Physical and still be non sexual.
Again it all falls back to the communication part. Y’all need to have a long clothing on sober talk. Be open and honest and see where it all stands. Then you can both work together on how to proceed.