Locked according to KT policies.

[Penelopeness23]

Hello! Happy Holidays!

Been silently reading here for a while now and so i felt safe enough to ask

My partner(29) and I(27) (fuck buddies no strings attached for 6 years) recently started going into our "deepest kinks" and together we found out we have a thing for bondage, breath play and spanking (we tried once but it's like a trial and we both agreed to do research on it). I know it sounds kinda of vanilla at the moment but we decided to act on it on our next meeting. I know between the two of us I'm the submissive so I just want to asked experience people what are the basic do's and don't' s and how do i make the experience a great one for him? Or rather if you could go back to your first leveled up experience is there a thing or something that you wanted your sub to do for you?

I really wanna make this enjoyable for us so I've been practicing tying myself for a while now but ended up in slight burns sooooo research it is

Hope all of you had a great Christmas! And cheers to the upcoming new years


P.S I asked the submissives as well. I hope that wasn't offensive

 

[Penelopeness23]

Omg! You're the person that writes what i mostly read. I do actually know the part about the duration of being tied up and discussed it with him. I'm just a bit confused about the safe word. It was another thing we discussed before but we don't know if we should use it if we can't physically go on or emotions are a part of it as well. Like when he tried choking me he got really into it and couldn't stop thinking about it for days. And he really got ansty and regretful about it. I don't know if that is part of the sex too? I have no problems with the physical part i think i can handle and hold out long enough do i have to keep that in check as well?

About the ropes as well and the burns i learned the hard way to research about the materials first. Nylon is a must NOT

Thank you so much for all the information and the time you've given to respond to me

I apologize about the thread i thought it would be offensive so i was being careful thank you so much Sir!

 

[Penelopeness23]

Thank you very much for this. One last question. I do not know if this part is one of my responsibilities but do Doms/ Sadists(?) require after care as well?

Is it right to assume that this also means that rope play is not something to start with? If so what would you recommend? Thank you very much I'm very grateful tbh i am quite excited and nervous about it.

 

[subzzzero]

On the topic of breath play. It is it actually about choking by squeezing the neck. You can damage the windpipe that way. It’s more about jaw line area blood flow restriction to make you feel as if you’re being chocked and passing out. Again still risky and needs education before doing it.

Another safer way to do breath play is simply his hand over your mouth and his other hand pinching your nose shut. Then he can easily immediately stop it and allow you to breathe again. It is a simple way to be able to test it out a little. Just don’t go too far. Recommend having a non verbal cue to notify him you’re needing stop. Like ringing a bell, hitting his arm, dropping an object in your hand etc. that way it’s clear to him when you need to stop. Start by holding your own breath and time it. Stick within those times when playing to be safer.

As far as bondage. If it’s the restraint part that you both enjoy. Cuffs and straps work well for like a 4 point bed restraint, spreader bars, ankles to wrists etc. and no rope needed.

More on the safeword. Try the traffic light method. Red full stop and talk. Yellow I’m getting close to that limit we need to ease back some but not necessarily stop. Green keep going.

Post session discussion is a must. For both sides. Then you each know how the other felt and if any adjustments are needed for next time.

Also address aftercare. Could be physical like massage or cold compress. Could be drinks snacks cuddling. For the next day or so keeping an active convo helps reassure both sides of what’s happened and helps with drop. Sounds like he dropped a bit after. Based on your text there. I as a don’t drop per se. But I get mentally exhausted from keeping up with her tells and her body reactions etc. I make sure my evening is light and have a drink maybe game some. Keeping up with the sub and checking in on her helps too.

Happy kinking

 

[Devildom1994]

Hello Penelope

Glad you are having fun. I'll contribute a little to the discussion.

I'd strongly suggest that you discuss the pre session and post session things as much as you discuss about what happens during the session.

Before the session begins, it's very important that you both have talked, agreed and have a clear idea of what is going to happen. Diving into the specifics will be much better than surprises during the session. Like in the case of spanking, what objects will be used, what positions are preferred and what position are uncomfortable, how intense will the spankings be. I believe, since you guys are starting, it won't be very intense in the beginning, however it'd still be beneficial to know the safety aspects. Even if it's a bare-hand spanking there are are risks of causing damage. So a good research will always help.
It's also very important to hydrate yourself and are relaxed enough to start. Reassuring each other that it doesn't have to be perfect has also helped in my case.
Make sure the first aid and safety kit is nearby. Always have safety scissors close when you are doing bondage.
I personally get to know what my partner needs after a session before we begin the session.


Now certain things to keep in mind while you are in the session. Breaks are very important. And by break, I don't mean a long break to cool things down (while it's completely normal to have such breaks as well). Rather breaks in the rhythm. It'll be much more satisfying. I personally don't prefer the same intensity throughout. Especially if pain is included. It'll be really helpful if you start slow, build it up slowly, reach a peak and break. Then repeat. It doesn't have to be a complete stop to break the rhythm, rather change the focus into something else, for example caressing the body. It can also be a perfect time to make sure the play can be continued. And the sub is conscious enough to use the safeword. These are completely relative and it's all based on what you like and what you need.

Now post session things. First and foremost, make sure your partner is okay. Aftercare is needed for both parties. It differs from person to person. It is very important that both you guys are feeling okay. The sub is feeling safe and secure and knows she's cared for and the Dom isn't feeling bad for hurting you. Reassure each other.
Have some skin soothing creams or aloe vera gel for your skin. Ice packs would also be good to have around.
I'd personally suggest not talking about the session immediately after. It can wait till the next day. Hydrate yourself.



Coming to your questions regarding breathplay and rope play. Answering this is a bit difficult as it is ambiguous what you mean by each term. As you saw in the discussion, breath play can be just covering your mouth and nose. It can also be waterboarding and drowning. Also depend on what you intend to gain out of it. If it's just power exchange, a hand to cover your mouth and nose will do. And you can give space between your fingers so that breathing is also possible. It's the basic way to start controlling the breath. But if you are trying to do something a bit more intense where the pleasure is from the euphoria or the fear that comes from not being able to breath, that's something I'd suggest doing after a lot of research. So make sure you know what you try to get out of it. It'll be comparatively easier to give up control over breathing than to go through the fear of lack of oxygen. Either way learn a lot before you try.

Same thing goes to rope play. What do you intend to gain from it. I am a lover of the aesthetic aspects of rope on a woman. The beauty of it turns me on. For this, basic knowledge is enough to try. However, if you're trying for restraints or predicaments, it requires some study. You need to have some knowledge regarding what rope to use, pressure points, nerve endings, friction caused etc etc.



Summing up, whatever you do, make sure you know what you are going to do and how to do it. Learn about safety. Even though everyone, including me will tell you to take things slow, you can directly start with hardcore things if you want. But learn about it thoroughly. If you have the knowledge, acknowledge the risk involved and wanna have fun, have fun. Stay safe. Good luck.





Devil

 

[Penelopeness23]

On the topic of breath play. It is it actually about choking by squeezing the neck. You can damage the windpipe that way. It’s more about jaw line area blood flow restriction to make you feel as if you’re being chocked and passing out. Again still risky and needs education before doing it.

Another safer way to do breath play is simply his hand over your mouth and his other hand pinching your nose shut. Then he can easily immediately stop it and allow you to breathe again. It is a simple way to be able to test it out a little. Just don’t go too far. Recommend having a non verbal cue to notify him you’re needing stop. Like ringing a bell, hitting his arm, dropping an object in your hand etc. that way it’s clear to him when you need to stop. Start by holding your own breath and time it. Stick within those times when playing to be safer.

As far as bondage. If it’s the restraint part that you both enjoy. Cuffs and straps work well for like a 4 point bed restraint, spreader bars, ankles to wrists etc. and no rope needed.

More on the safeword. Try the traffic light method. Red full stop and talk. Yellow I’m getting close to that limit we need to ease back some but not necessarily stop. Green keep going.

Post session discussion is a must. For both sides. Then you each know how the other felt and if any adjustments are needed for next time.

Also address aftercare. Could be physical like massage or cold compress. Could be drinks snacks cuddling. For the next day or so keeping an active convo helps reassure both sides of what’s happened and helps with drop. Sounds like he dropped a bit after. Based on your text there. I as a don’t drop per se. But I get mentally exhausted from keeping up with her tells and her body reactions etc. I make sure my evening is light and have a drink maybe game some. Keeping up with the sub and checking in on her helps too.

Happy kinking

Thank you so much for this.

Yes he did try to choke me when we tried it out and i ended up having a hoarse throat for days but i tried to reassure him every time he asks then we decided to do proper research.

He already bought some restraints but said he wants to put a rope around my chest( the rope work where you clip the handcuffs?)

Thank you so much for the information. You gave me. I'll be taking notes and make sure to show it to him when he gets off work.

One question though

Wouldn't cuddling and going soft after session would make the whole dom/sub weird? But it's not really a problem for us. We've been friends for a long time before fuckbuddies. Just asking for the sake of the session itself

Thank you so much once again. I'm really grateful

 

[Penelopeness23]

Both sub and Dom need aftercare. So yes it is your responsibility to do this for your partner.

Aftercare!!

Is it really necessary? we wanted to be in BDSM relationship to stop caring. we just want to have fun and after that boom! look like nothing happened at all. well if you need something like this (no difference as a dom or sub) then please go out and pay for this needs because it is immoral and...

www.kinktalk.com

Rope play has different levels. You can start with easy ones and after a while that you improved your skills, you can use advanced bondage method.

Thank you for this. Especially the link. I found a lot of useful information . I tried following image tutorials of self tying. Didn't pay attention to the material of rope i need to use.

I will research on the advance bondage method thank you very much for this message and for this site

 

[Devildom1994]

That depends how you perceive the D/S. If you see it as a dynamic where it's all rough and tough and that's the only way, it'll be weird.

While I respect that that's your view and you want to proceed with it, (if you do), that's not the only way to look at D/S. Also, I wouldn't consider it as healthy either. Doms and Subs can be good friends or good lovers and they can be just like two people who's is in a non kinky relation. They can cuddle, they can kiss, they can hug, they can do whatever they want. It doesn't have to affect the d/s. The example of a play might help you understand it better. Whatever, the role an actor plays, once it's over he/she is every bit of a human like anyone else in the world. That person will have feelings, emotions and needs like everyone else.

So whether you are in a 24/7 d/s or it's only for a session, always remember that both of you are humans and it is completely okay to do something you'd do if you weren't in a d/s dynamics.




Devil

 

[Penelopeness23]

Hello Penelope

Glad you are having fun. I'll contribute a little to the discussion.

I'd strongly suggest that you discuss the pre session and post session things as much as you discuss about what happens during the session.

Before the session begins, it's very important that you both have talked, agreed and have a clear idea of what is going to happen. Diving into the specifics will be much better than surprises during the session. Like in the case of spanking, what objects will be used, what positions are preferred and what position are uncomfortable, how intense will the spankings be. I believe, since you guys are starting, it won't be very intense in the beginning, however it'd still be beneficial to know the safety aspects. Even if it's a bare-hand spanking there are are risks of causing damage. So a good research will always help.
It's also very important to hydrate yourself and are relaxed enough to start. Reassuring each other that it doesn't have to be perfect has also helped in my case.
Make sure the first aid and safety kit is nearby. Always have safety scissors close when you are doing bondage.
I personally get to know what my partner needs after a session before we begin the session.


Now certain things to keep in mind while you are in the session. Breaks are very important. And by break, I don't mean a long break to cool things down (while it's completely normal to have such breaks as well). Rather breaks in the rhythm. It'll be much more satisfying. I personally don't prefer the same intensity throughout. Especially if pain is included. It'll be really helpful if you start slow, build it up slowly, reach a peak and break. Then repeat. It doesn't have to be a complete stop to break the rhythm, rather change the focus into something else, for example caressing the body. It can also be a perfect time to make sure the play can be continued. And the sub is conscious enough to use the safeword. These are completely relative and it's all based on what you like and what you need.

Now post session things. First and foremost, make sure your partner is okay. Aftercare is needed for both parties. It differs from person to person. It is very important that both you guys are feeling okay. The sub is feeling safe and secure and knows she's cared for and the Dom isn't feeling bad for hurting you. Reassure each other.
Have some skin soothing creams or aloe vera gel for your skin. Ice packs would also be good to have around.
I'd personally suggest not talking about the session immediately after. It can wait till the next day. Hydrate yourself.



Coming to your questions regarding breathplay and rope play. Answering this is a bit difficult as it is ambiguous what you mean by each term. As you saw in the discussion, breath play can be just covering your mouth and nose. It can also be waterboarding and drowning. Also depend on what you intend to gain out of it. If it's just power exchange, a hand to cover your mouth and nose will do. And you can give space between your fingers so that breathing is also possible. It's the basic way to start controlling the breath. But if you are trying to do something a bit more intense where the pleasure is from the euphoria or the fear that comes from not being able to breath, that's something I'd suggest doing after a lot of research. So make sure you know what you try to get out of it. It'll be comparatively easier to give up control over breathing than to go through the fear of lack of oxygen. Either way learn a lot before you try.

Same thing goes to rope play. What do you intend to gain from it. I am a lover of the aesthetic aspects of rope on a woman. The beauty of it turns me on. For this, basic knowledge is enough to try. However, if you're trying for restraints or predicaments, it requires some study. You need to have some knowledge regarding what rope to use, pressure points, nerve endings, friction caused etc etc.



Summing up, whatever you do, make sure you know what you are going to do and how to do it. Learn about safety. Even though everyone, including me will tell you to take things slow, you can directly start with hardcore things if you want. But learn about it thoroughly. If you have the knowledge, acknowledge the risk involved and wanna have fun, have fun. Stay safe. Good luck.





Devil

Thank you so much for this.

I'm learning a lot and it's making me excited in a way that i could be helpful to my partner. We already started talking about the pre-session things and our preferences. I didn't know there are breaks because from the forums from other places before subs can't rest until they fulfill their doms satisfaction. So coming here is a breath of fresh air after i posted i told him about this forum.

As for the breath play he told me if a pillow to cover my face would be okay? And for the rope play he started research about the ropes on the chest and wants to try that.

Thank you for giving topics to research on. I didn't know friction and pressure points should also be accounted for (i mainly thought those were meant to hurt or inflict pain on those)

I'm very grateful. I still don't know why i like my breath being controlled/restrained so i need to reflect on myself even more. Thank you so much I'm currently researching about what goes down before/during/ after a session

Thank you so much once again

 

[Penelopeness23]

That depends how you perceive the D/S. If you see it as a dynamic where it's all rough and tough and that's the only way, it'll be weird.

While I respect that that's your view and you want to proceed with it, (if you do), that's not the only way to look at D/S. Also, I wouldn't consider it as healthy either. Doms and Subs can be good friends or good lovers and they can be just like two people who's is in a non kinky relation. They can cuddle, they can kiss, they can hug, they can do whatever they want. It doesn't have to affect the d/s. The example of a play might help you understand it better. Whatever, the role an actor plays, once it's over he/she is every bit of a human like anyone else in the world. That person will have feelings, emotions and needs like everyone else.

So whether you are in a 24/7 d/s or it's only for a session, always remember that both of you are humans and it is completely okay to do something you'd do if you weren't in a d/s dynamics.




Devil

I have no personal views yet cause this is really my first time going into details about the D/s dynamics. I only know the "procedure" in pornhub but what happens before and after is not shown hence where curiosity lies.

It puts me to ease that caring for each other after a session is not a mortal sin in the D/s dynamics thank you so much

 

[Devildom1994]

I'm glad it was useful and even more glad that you are learning.

First thing you need to learn is that, bdsm and d/s is not a hard ans fast set of rules. They're more like water. It is made up of certain basic principles like consent, safety etc and take it takes the shape what you make of it. So whatever you decide want to do is what it will be. If you don't want aftercare, you don't have to receive it (Only an example) .

So you have to get rid of the belief that bdsm is rigid. It has certain rigid aspects. But that's it. So if you wanna take a break, you can take a break!

Breath play... So, from the information you gave, I think it is power exchange for him. There's still risks informed. You have to consider how to communicate if you're running out of breath. Like @subzzzero mentioned a non verbal cue will do. Also, it's important to find the right amount of pressure to apply. Too much can be too painful or can cause issues to your neck or nose and too less can make things ineffective.



Devil

 

[Devildom1994]

Please refrain from using pornhub as a learning platform for bdsm. While I have nothing against pornhub, but it is a completely commercial platform and doesn't reflect the reality 99percent of the time. There are a lot of websites and platforms where you can find fellow kinksters and mentors. That's a much better source of information. And always, ALWAYS go for a second and third opinion on evey matter.




Devil

 

[Penelopeness23]

Please refrain from using pornhub as a learning platform for bdsm. While I have nothing against pornhub, but it is a completely commercial platform and doesn't reflect the reality 99percent of the time. There are a lot of websites and platforms where you can find fellow kinksters and mentors. That's a much better source of information. And always, ALWAYS go for a second and third opinion on evey matter.




Devil

Thank so much for the replies i asked a friend recommended a site but everything there was "don't stop till sub breaks or until doms are satisfied" kind of mindset which kinda put me off. So i decided to do my own research. And man I'm glad i did thank you for the wonderful advices

I'm currently reading about the non verbal signs and discussing it with my partner/dom(?) Still don't know if we qualify for the terms yet

 

[subzzzero]

Porn is fantasy. Not to be used for research or fact. It’s staged and recreated on mutliple takes for that perfect shot. All the pre and post stuff as well as failed attempts are cut out. And the people are acting and most times faking or exaggerating the experiences. Those pics you see on fetlife are again well planned and staged.

Those “go until she breaks” or 50 shades types are bullshit to feed a fictional story line.

As far as cuddling and not fitting your specific pairing. No worries. The aftercare needed is unique to each person and each dynamic. As stated above there is no one true way. Both parties have their own needs wants likes dislikes limits. And paired together make a unique dynamic. For example if you were paired with me it would likely be very different than your current Dom. Not necessarily bad or good but definitely different. No two doms or subs are the same. Discuss what you both need and work with it.

 

[Penelopeness23]

Porn is fantasy. Not to be used for research or fact. It’s staged and recreated on mutliple takes for that perfect shot. All the pre and post stuff as well as failed attempts are cut out. And the people are acting and most times faking or exaggerating the experiences. Those pics you see on fetlife are again well planned and staged.

Those “go until she breaks” or 50 shades types are bullshit to feed a fictional story line.

As far as cuddling and not fitting your specific pairing. No worries. The aftercare needed is unique to each person and each dynamic. As stated above there is no one true way. Both parties have their own needs wants likes dislikes limits. And paired together make a unique dynamic. For example if you were paired with me it would likely be very different than your current Dom. Not necessarily bad or good but definitely different. No two doms or subs are the same. Discuss what you both need and work with it.

Figured the porn part as much ( i thought everyone can swallow a peepee effortlessly. I was so wrong)

We discussed a bit and he kinda have the "go until she breaks" mindset and is what turns him on? so i sent him the link to this website. He said he'll look at it later. But we both agreed to research on the restraints first before trying it out ourselves.

Hopefully all goes well. Thank you so much

 

[Naughty nova]

Figured the porn part as much ( i thought everyone can swallow a peepee effortlessly. I was so wrong)

We discussed a bit and he kinda have the "go until she breaks" mindset and is what turns him on? so i sent him the link to this website. He said he'll look at it later. But we both agreed to research on the restraints first before trying it out ourselves.

Hopefully all goes well. Thank you so much

And as subzzzero once told me a Dom can only do what you allow them to do. It truly is you that has the power as a sub. If you are not comfortable with what your Dom is doing then they don't get to play with you. So definitely keep the communication going. Always remember you have every right to say stop. It will make him a better Dom as well knowing your likes and limits. So if you do find something you want to try tell him.

For example I was lurking on here and seen someone tied up . It interpreted me very much. I let Daddy know and he came up with ways he wanted to see me tied up. So it filled both our needs.

 

[Penelopeness23]

And as subzzzero once told me a Dom can only do what you allow them to do. It truly is you that has the power as a sub. If you are not comfortable with what your Dom is doing then they don't get to play with you. So definitely keep the communication going. Always remember you have every right to say stop. It will make him a better Dom as well knowing your likes and limits. So if you do find something you want to try tell him.

For example I was lurking on here and seen someone tied up . It interpreted me very much. I let Daddy know and he came up with ways he wanted to see me tied up. So it filled both our needs.

We just discussed and shared our researches earlier. He said he wanted to try candle play and that a sub should always meet their Dom's expectations. To which Sir Devil said is a bad thing so I'm a bit hesitant to continue going forward bdsm with him. But i do enjoy exploring here most of the people are kind and I'm starting to get used to the extreme dom ones. I do really want to meet his expectations though. Not sure if I'm a good sub at this point but i want to try hehehe I'm so confusing sorry

thank you for taking time and the advice. I hope you all had a great Christmas

 

[Naughty nova]

We just discussed and shared our researches earlier. He said he wanted to try candle play and that a sub should always meet their Dom's expectations. To which Sir Devil said is a bad thing so I'm a bit hesitant to continue going forward bdsm with him. But i do enjoy exploring here most of the people are kind and I'm starting to get used to the extreme dom ones. I do really want to meet his expectations though. Not sure if I'm a good sub at this point but i want to try hehehe I'm so confusing sorry

thank you for taking time and the advice. I hope you all had a great Christmas

Tbh it is a symbiotic relationship if your needs are not being met as well then it does not work. It can not always be about him and his wants. It's fine to try things but if he is not willing to meet your needs as well and only wants his taken care of is it really a healthy dynamic? My kink is heavy with daddy Dom. My Daddy has asked me things and I am not ready to go there yet and he respects that. Yes he is in control but I also have the right to set boundaries. And if your Dom can not or will not respect that maybe he isn't the right Dom for you. Even the sadistic dom's want there sub to get something out of it. Some subs love to be humiliated and want only there dom's needs met. And that's fine if that is what they want. Because they are getting something out of it if that's what they want. But for him to tell you that it is all about what he wants is a huge red flag. Communication is the key. It's ok to try things as long as he is willing to stop. But if he is already telling you it's about his needs is he really willing to stop when you need him too?

 

[Penelopeness23]

Tbh it is a symbiotic relationship if your needs are not being met as well then it does not work. It can not always be about him and his wants. It's fine to try things but if he is not willing to meet your needs as well and only wants his taken care of is it really a healthy dynamic? My kink is heavy with daddy Dom. My Daddy has asked me things and I am not ready to go there yet and he respects that. Yes he is in control but I also have the right to set boundaries. And if your Dom can not or will not respect that maybe he isn't the right Dom for you. Even the sadistic dom's want there sub to get something out of it. Some subs love to be humiliated and want only there dom's needs met. And that's fine if that is what they want. Because they are getting something out of it if that's what they want. But for him to tell you that it is all about what he wants is a huge red flag. Communication is the key. It's ok to try things as long as he is willing to stop. But if he is already telling you it's about his needs is he really willing to stop when you need him too?

Should i post an update here or in private since it's personal but my dom is starting to be overly sadistic(?) I don't know how to communicate with that properly without losing the friendship

 

[RedSector]

Should i post an update here or in private since it's personal but my dom is starting to be overly sadistic(?) I don't know how to communicate with that properly without losing the friendship

Mutual consent to whatever you are doing and while you are doing it is basically sane. When you chose to participate in 'sadistic' stuff, it is more important and has more weight. Why you should have Safeword or signals and be able to use without consequence.

If this above is going to be ignored or not in place, then I don't feel you have a friendship or a relationship worth saving.

Sorry if you feel this is blunt. If sugar coat, still the same advice.