Locked according to KT policies.

[Naughty nova]

Should i post an update here or in private since it's personal but my dom is starting to be overly sadistic(?) I don't know how to communicate with that properly without losing the friendship

If you gave him this site and are worried about losing the friendship. I would reach out in dm subzzzero ,nurse pervert, and Dr pervert are great at helping and I am here if you want to talk. I have only been in this lifestyle for about 7 months now so I'm am fairly new but I will help in any way I can. Remember you have the power. You are the only one that can give him permission to play with you being a Dom does not automatically give you permission to come in and meet the crap out of someone and go home and not care about there needs. Even a good sadistic Dom will care for there sub mentality and physically

 

[subzzzero]

He said he wanted to try candle play and that a sub should always meet their Dom's expectations

First off. Wax is also dangerous so do your research. Get the safe low temp wax candles. And be sure you test out the drip distance on your wrist or thigh so you can dial in the right height. I’ve seen subs who at the direction of their “Dom” used birthday candles and were too close and they melted skin. Perm scarring. Even with right wax and distance pouring or layering of drips too fast can insulate the burn and keep it in the skin too long. Just read up on it all first.

As far as they comment of always meeting a doms expectations. That’s bordering manipulation and neglect there. So proceed with caution.
Don’t fall for the “you’re not a real sub if you don’t do xyz for me. “

He is clearly inexperienced. Which is fine we all started somewhere. But he’s not seeming like he’s willing to learn. That’s the big issue. Kink has too many things that are a danger when both parties are not experienced. You’re doing the right thing researching and trying to learn but if he’s not then you could end up hurt. Me being a Dom doesn’t mean abusing and neglecting my sub. It does not mean it’s all about me and my wants and needs either.
In negotiations discussion that’s when both parties discuss expectations and desires. both sides should be enjoying the dynamic. The more discussed here the more is sounds like he’s seeking more of a top bottom play partners thing and not a Dom sub thing. Meaning he wants the pick up play roles but not the responsibility of a Dom full time.

It hasn’t come up yet. But maybe it would benefit y’all to hit up some local munches or meets in your kink community. Then he could learn a little
Easier with people in person.

With what you have said so far if you were a friend of mine I would be steering you away from him as a dom. If you’re wanting to keep it vanilla fuck buddies. Fine. But he’s not taking on the right mentality to approach kink as a Dom much less as your Dom. So you might have to find that elsewhere.

 

[Penelopeness23]

First off. Wax is also dangerous so do your research. Get the safe low temp wax candles. And be sure you test out the drip distance on your wrist or thigh so you can dial in the right height. I’ve seen subs who at the direction of their “Dom” used birthday candles and were too close and they melted skin. Perm scarring. Even with right wax and distance pouring or layering of drips too fast can insulate the burn and keep it in the skin too long. Just read up on it all first.

As far as they comment of always meeting a doms expectations. That’s bordering manipulation and neglect there. So proceed with caution.
Don’t fall for the “you’re not a real sub if you don’t do xyz for me. “

He is clearly inexperienced. Which is fine we all started somewhere. But he’s not seeming like he’s willing to learn. That’s the big issue. Kink has too many things that are a danger when both parties are not experienced. You’re doing the right thing researching and trying to learn but if he’s not then you could end up hurt. Me being a Dom doesn’t mean abusing and neglecting my sub. It does not mean it’s all about me and my wants and needs either.
In negotiations discussion that’s when both parties discuss expectations and desires. both sides should be enjoying the dynamic. The more discussed here the more is sounds like he’s seeking more of a top bottom play partners thing and not a Dom sub thing. Meaning he wants the pick up play roles but not the responsibility of a Dom full time.

It hasn’t come up yet. But maybe it would benefit y’all to hit up some local munches or meets in your kink community. Then he could learn a little
Easier with people in person.

With what you have said so far if you were a friend of mine I would be steering you away from him as a dom. If you’re wanting to keep it vanilla fuck buddies. Fine. But he’s not taking on the right mentality to approach kink as a Dom much less as your Dom. So you might have to find that elsewhere.

I actually tried talking to him about starting with leather restraints since he said he doesn't want to do rope play anymore (he wants shibari but with chains to which i do not know if it would be possible) he had a lot of things to say that contradicts what i learned here and when i tried to reason out to him. He said that a sub shouldn't even be talking and only when told to do so. I tried reasoning out with him as a friend and he just shrugged me off and said if i wanted to be a perfect sub i should be able to tolerate anything. And i said i could AFTER we get enough experience. He's been silent ever since and I'm not the confrontation type so if this is the end for our bdsm exploration I'm fine with it. But i would still like to learn more here if that would be already. This place has been a safe and educational place for me and I'm grateful that it's the brighter side of my situation at the moment

 

[Penelopeness23]

I read your comments dear. In my opinion, you have two choices. If this friendship is very important to you, you can ask him to learn more about how to be a good dom. How ever i don't think that it could work because every one know that what is bad and what isn't in this modern world. So if he still insist on doing these kind of activities and he doesn't care about your safety and happiness then it's an obvious red flag. Maybe he is a good person but clearly he is not a good dom. And your second choice is being a simple friend with him and end your bdsm relationship but i don't like this too because i don't think it could work well for you.
There's a third option which is hard choice but it is best one. If i were you, i imediatly end both bdsm relationship and my friendship with him. It's hard and it will put you in very bad condition. You will be sad, angry, missing him and ect but those are temporary. Your mental and physicall health is more important than anything.
If it is really hard for you to stop it then i suggeste you to keep your friendship and end your bdsm relationship and see how everything goes. I hope you make best choice.
Just remember the things that someone won't do for you, the other one will. You deserve best so if you don't have good feeling in your relationship then you are in wrong one.

Thank you so much for this. I felt like i was in a dead end. He's stubborn by default but i try to tolerate him since he's my friend. It's just that knife play because I can't lactate made my mind go through mental gymnastics that made me so confused on how should i approach him while being told about how a sub should act or think. Which looking back now is scary and vile

I'm considering going back to vanilla with him and just explore the safe bdsm by myself. I'd rather cum by masturbating again than end up in a morgue cause my partner has the sexual urge to crack my windpipe thank you so much for all the advice and for looking out for me

 

[subzzzero]

I actually tried talking to him about starting with leather restraints since he said he doesn't want to do rope play anymore (he wants shibari but with chains to which i do not know if it would be possible) he had a lot of things to say that contradicts what i learned here and when i tried to reason out to him. He said that a sub shouldn't even be talking and only when told to do so. I tried reasoning out with him as a friend and he just shrugged me off and said if i wanted to be a perfect sub i should be able to tolerate anything. And i said i could AFTER we get enough experience. He's been silent ever since and I'm not the confrontation type so if this is the end for our bdsm exploration I'm fine with it. But i would still like to learn more here if that would be already. This place has been a safe and educational place for me and I'm grateful that it's the brighter side of my situation at the moment

This all screams he’s not ready for a Dom role. He is living in the fantasy porn world. You need to just shelf the kink with him. Keep him strictly vanilla and move on. Make it very clear you no longer have interest in kink exploration with him if he wishes to continue vanilla fwb. Or he might think he can just slip things in there on the fly. I know you’re hesitant to speak up but it’s necessary for you to tell him clearly you do not consent to any bdsm or kink with him.

But enjoy your exploration here there is plenty you can explore solo or online.

 

[Penelopeness23]

This all screams he’s not ready for a Dom role. He is living in the fantasy porn world. You need to just shelf the kink with him. Keep him strictly vanilla and move on. Make it very clear you no longer have interest in kink exploration with him if he wishes to continue vanilla fwb. Or he might think he can just slip things in there on the fly. I know you’re hesitant to speak up but it’s necessary for you to tell him clearly you do not consent to any bdsm or kink with him.

But enjoy your exploration here there is plenty you can explore solo or online.

I made it clear to him that he was right. I'm too vanilla for his bdsm and that i would be sticking with vanilla with him. He just gave me a thumbs up I'm just thankful it's out of the way. And yes i will be sure to say no if he tries something

Thank you so much sir!

 

[Penelopeness23]

Small update:

He agreed no more bdsm for us. But he insists of using a blindfold. He told me it's not bdsm if it doesn't involve anything more than a piece of cloth. He wanted to meet on January cause he has "preparations to make"

Advance Happy New Year everyone

 

[subzzzero]

That sounds sketchy. “Preparations” and even after you requested no kink he’s overriding and calling it not kink. Just approach with caution. Dude sounds like he can’t be trusted.

 

[Penelopeness23]

He actually wants my nipples pierced as compromise for no more bdsm so knowing him he probably won't pull any stunts but I'm trying to stall time till he becomes busy again and I'll be extra careful kinda regret not going as wild as i can in college and at work. Not much to choose from

 

[subzzzero]

If you told him no to bdsm that should have been the end of it. There’s no compromise of piercing or any other action needed on your part. He’s manipulating you. He’s clearly not respecting anything you request. It all circles back to what he wants

 

[RedSector]

He actually wants my nipples pierced as compromise for no more bdsm

So you are aware, these piercings take couple of months to heal normally. And won't heal well, if played with. They will heal in any case, but to be played with is more painful.

 

[Penelopeness23]

So you are aware, these piercings take couple of months to heal normally. And won't heal well, if played with. They will heal in any case, but to be played with is more painful.

He told me that pain medications are part of what he will pay for and it's just like ear piercings. I haven't had the time to research on it cause it freaks me out

 

[Helion]

Hi!
I'm by no means an expert [=> if anyone spots something that needs to be corrected... I'm happy to learn!) so I wasn't entirely sure if I should answer at first, but I got a thought or two about it so here we go.:


TL;DR: Whether it's BDSM or vanilla, it doesn't matter - consent is equally crucial and communicating properly is always a plus. So if you don't want blindfolds, don't do blindfolds - it's always very OK to say no. You don't owe anyone but yourself. If he can't respect that... well, I believe you can decide for yourself. Whatever you do, please be careful and stay safe.

As I see it it is utterly irrelevant whether any given activity is classified as BDSM or not. In fact - what even is BDSM? In the end, it's a subjective concept. My vanilla might be another's 'dirtiest fantasy' and vice versa, after all. The thing that is universally important, however, is: Consent.
Vanilla sex is and should just as much be consented to as BDSM activities (though the latter are typically conseted to more consciously, properly and adequately featuring for instance talks, checklists and preparation, because there is usually higher levels of risk involved; That's not to say vanilla life wouldn't benefit from the same - Imo it's a pity, really, that respectful communication is not more broadly adapted. Still, even in non-BDSM environments there are at least some very commonly accepted, basic rules in place and people vastly stick to them - without discussing beforehand or even consciously think about them, mostly (e.g. "we don't do SA/catcalling/...", "a 'No' means 'No' - when someone says that word, I stop and give space", "I try not to cause pain or injury", "I don't record anything without asking", etc.).). Truth is, any sexual activity holds some form of risk, even a vanilla one (e.g. emotional [being seen naked, risk of rejection, vulnerability, ...], potential exposure to STDs, unprotected body, ...); So the label really doesn't matter - and it certainly shouldn't be an argument to coerce anybody into something they are uncertain about!!

Thus, no matter how either of you labels blindfolding, the procedure in essence is just the same: If you feel uncomfortable about it, please don't do it!!
Especially for first experiences I'd suggest rather finding *one* thing you are eager to try, and even then start slowly. You're not on a hurry, after all, right?
Slow & pleasant > fast & awful.

Why on earth should a blindfold not count? Yes, it's 'just a piece of cloth' - but then, a noose is 'just a piece of rope' and a knife 'just a piece of metal', too, right? Anyway, damage can be just as severe. Pushing psychical boundaries is and can be very dangerous, especially when it's not in a closely negotiated/aware/experienced context. If you don't know what you're doing it's playing with fire, likely without even knowing the full risk nor the warning signs. Damage done to the mind just like with the body can't be healed just like that. Don't underestimate it!

...

Small update:

He agreed no more bdsm for us. But he insists of using a blindfold. He told me it's not bdsm if it doesn't involve anything more than a piece of cloth. He wanted to meet on January cause he has "preparations to make"

Advance Happy New Year everyone

 

[Helion]

....

[And even if we insist on putting blindfolding into a box: If you ask me, it very well is BDSM. BDSM is a very broad spectrum. Sadomasochism, bondage, D/s, more broadly also unusual turn-ons (kinks in general), roleplay, .... Pain is not required. You could consensually tie someone up for aesthetic reasons and you're both clothed and it's only mildly restricting and there's nothing sexual about it and yet - that would be BDSM). Humiliation for pleasure purposes is another example of BDSM - one that doesn't even require any gear at all!! Domination and submission is essentially a form of power play, where one person is in a position inferior/subject to another - more or less entirely. Naturally there often is a slight imbalance in power even for vanilla activities... but blindfolds are definitely an outside factor, not purely a question of mind-set. Idk if I'd call that 'slight'.



Yk, there's a reason we say 'trust someone blindly': Eyesight is an important part of our lives, and being the only one not having it definitely leaves you more vulnerable than if you could see. You give up some control over the situation. Therefore BDSM. Basically he could do anything he wants without you even knowing what's going on until it is too late. Can you trust him to 100% that he won't?]



As has been stated by others before, even if you happen to be into blindfolds - I would personally strongly suggest you stay away from that, eh, friend of yours. Pushing someone to do anything sexually is a huge red flag. What even is that line of thought from him - 'just because it's vanilla consent is not required'?!?? As if the name changed anything?



Whatever you do with a partner should be based on mutual pleasure (*or at least gain/enjoyment/desire, depending on what you aim for and how you define 'pleasure').

Therefore: Consent (SSC). Enthusiastic consent.

Sure, people might be willing to try out something for the sake of making their partner(s) happy occasionally, but even so it's never a 'you said yes - you now owe me' - on the contrary, it makes it even more important to be careful and aware of boundaries (in healthy relationshis at least). And of course it's all completely voluntary - and it is, too, more than OK to not be willing to experiment at all. Or if you withdraw consent later on because you started to feel whatever you do is not doing you good. It's always your choice alone what you allow somebody else to do to/with you, at any point.

And this choice is to be respected.

And with those who don't - it's safer and nicer to stay clear of them.



It is of course your decision what to do now. But if you still choose to engage with him: Please at least be careful and know your worth. He's not entitled to anything, everything he does he can do solely because you permitted it. Never forget that.



Finally, I'm sorry for writing so much - and also I apologise for the poor structure. Nonetheless, I hope you could gain something from it. May the new year find you well, too!

 

[Penelopeness23]

I agree with @subzzzero on this. He is really taking advantage of your shyness and polite manner. I think you should firmly tell him no, and if he gets upset, let him be, because that's what he deserves.

I firmly told him no. He said since December 31 is his birthday and we've been friends for almost 14 years and no more bdsm. And so we're not dom and sub anymore and just good old friends maybe i can make a consideration. I really don't have plans getting one so I'm trying to hold out as long as i can till he is swamped with work again so he just would forget I'm not good with arguments and I really feel icky if I can't do requests from people close to me. (That's a me problem)

 

[subzzzero]

Nipple piercings are long term healing. 6-10 months up to a year full healed. No playing tugging pinching pulling biting etc while they fully heal. It can affect breast feeding and can increase or in rare cases decrease nipple sensitivity. So just do some research if that’s something you ever decide to do. Again I think he is the wrong reason for it regardless. But that’s some basic nipple piercing stuff for ya.

 

[Helion]

He told me that pain medications are part of what he will pay for and it's just like ear piercings. I haven't had the time to research on it cause it freaks me out

Just because he pays doesn't mean the other person wants that?? Also, why even take painkillers if making nipples more sensitive is kind of part of the deal?
That being said, he can't call for a compromise for something that was never his to begin with! (Like - ok, I won't take all your savings. As a compromise, gift me your car!)

 

[Penelopeness23]

Just because he pays doesn't mean the other person wants that?? Also, why even take painkillers if making nipples more sensitive is kind of part of the deal?
That being said, he can't call for a compromise for something that was never his to begin with! (Like - ok, I won't take all your savings. As a compromise, gift me your car!)

In all honesty I'm just gonna come out and say it. I feel really pressured in declining when it comes to him cause he's the last friend i have from highschool (others died) and he would always tell me what we have is really special that we can't be something more cause that could break our bond which is alright hence the fwb which is totally fine. And another thing is he has helped me a lot in the past (financially and in career) and he said small things matter to him and i can only repay him with small things like obeying him. You asked me before if I could trust him. I do trust him but I've never really felt at ease with him. But that's me being an anxious overthinker (another me problem). That's why whenever he asks something that is hard for me to accomplish i wait it out till he is swamped at work. I know I'm old enough to decide for myself but with all the favors i owed him. I feel shameless going against him and it shakes me down to my core. I am not comfortable with blindfold but I'm practicing now hoping I'd be able to appease him when we meet and make him forget about the nipple piercings. So that's that. Just a pathetic broke person right here


Quick addition to this

I was told there are nipple piercing that doesn't require getting my nipples really pierced but rather just locked in this small ring that is placed on the nipples. Pitched it to him. He said he'll give it some thought but not a fan of it

 

[Penelopeness23]

Nipple piercings are long term healing. 6-10 months up to a year full healed. No playing tugging pinching pulling biting etc while they fully heal. It can affect breast feeding and can increase or in rare cases decrease nipple sensitivity. So just do some research if that’s something you ever decide to do. Again I think he is the wrong reason for it regardless. But that’s some basic nipple piercing stuff for ya.

Thank you for this. It saves me the mental stress of researching and encountering possible pictures

 

[RedSector]

He told me that pain medications are part of what he will pay for and it's just like ear piercings

In terms of pain, it's like a hot poker going through your nipple. In terms of aftercare, 6 months is not unheard of with saline spray and this is assuming you use proper jewellery.

Pain meds is a RED flag again.