Looking for some advice

[Jim3346]

I am a newer/ in experienced dom with a submissive wife and while we have plenty of toys ( whips, restraints , dildos, gags, spreader bars, vibrations , and even a fuck machine) we don’t have much room to play. I want to move to hoods and electric toys and more but she is only interested when in the mood and I want her to explore other highs like Hucow/pet play but other then discussing it she isn’t submissive enough yet her words I need ideas on how to break her in she wants it but not sure how to go about it. I need advice form someone more experienced then me help

 

[subzzzero]

How much time are you spending on the mental game ? Just with sex. Ladies usually need/want more mental emotional build up. Try exploring non sexual power exchange. Permission to do things, choosing how she dresses at home and in public. Underwear included, or lack there of. Lol. Set bedtimes and basic rules. Use a title that you both like. Sir is a general easy one. Have her answer yes sir no sir etc.

Find out what she likes most about you being Dom and or her being sub and build on that. Forcing the situation if she’s not ready only risks adding a negative mindset about thjngs. So go slow talk lots and just enjoy exploring. Read kink fantasy stories together.

Maybe even worth checking out local munches and meets to help see how others work.

 

[Jim3346]

So we probably don’t spend nearly enough time on the mental game other them picking out underwear and some clothing that’s about it other then the sexual aspect of it. We have children together so we don’t have much time to ourselves. With work schedules bed times are mostly already set. I think the biggest problem is she wants to be submissive in the bedroom but tries to be dominant outside of the bedroom and I’m not sure what to do about it. I told her she can’t have it both ways she needs to pick one she wants to be submissive in the bedroom. She doesn’t want to take charge, but she tries to take charge of everything else, that’s not in the bedroom

 

[subzzzero]

So we probably don’t spend nearly enough time on the mental game other them picking out underwear and some clothing that’s about it other then the sexual aspect of it. We have children together so we don’t have much time to ourselves. With work schedules bed times are mostly already set. I think the biggest problem is she wants to be submissive in the bedroom but tries to be dominant outside of the bedroom and I’m not sure what to do about it. I told her she can’t have it both ways she needs to pick one she wants to be submissive in the bedroom. She doesn’t want to take charge, but she tries to take charge of everything else, that’s not in the bedroom

So this is actually very common. This is when people refer to being submissive bedroom only or 24/7. Obv 24.7 doenst have to be a legit 24/7. But like say to day small things outside the bedroom. But if they want bedroom only then you have to respect that.

I have known several subs who are boss level leaders outside the bedroom. CEOs, business owners, military, etc.
they use the bedroom submissive time to let their mind shut off and just be. They want someone to make the calls and take control. It’s their release.

This is prob the angle you need to discuss. Again find why she wants to sub. When she wants to sub. How she wants to sub. Then you will have a better idea how to go about it. She can still be a sub in the bedroom and not have to be that way outside the bedroom.

You both have to sit down and communicate your wants and needs with how you’d like it to go and each side may have to give a little. But you’ll never be able to force her to go farther than she wants to and feels comfortable to. Communication is key

 

[Jim3346]

That makes sense. I also think I have to work on my control in the bedroom. I don’t have enough knowledge of the punishment/ pleasure dynamics. I think my lack of knowledge is hurting the experience for us. She feels I talk to much and don’t just do. I guess I am still more worried about consent and she already trusts me. She says I don’t take control enough or put her in her place. I thought I knew what I was doing but the more I get into this the more I realize the less I know

 

[Naughty nova]

That makes sense. I also think I have to work on my control in the bedroom. I don’t have enough knowledge of the punishment/ pleasure dynamics. I think my lack of knowledge is hurting the experience for us. She feels I talk to much and don’t just do. I guess I am still more worried about consent and she already trusts me. She says I don’t take control enough or put her in her place. I thought I knew what I was doing but the more I get into this the more I realize the less I know

Sit down and go over your hard limits ahead of time and give her a safe word one you have those in place you may be able to take control more if your embarrassed to say them out loud each of you write you limits and even things you want to try out have that list for you to know for sure what she wants.

 

[Jim3346]

Sit down and go over your hard limits ahead of time and give her a safe word one you have those in place you may be able to take control more if your embarrassed to say them out loud each of you write you limits and even things you want to try out have that list for you to know for sure what she wants.

This is actually something I tried to do with her she doesn’t seem to know what she wants/likes vs dislikes I think the other big issue is just the lack of play area we have she has expressed interest is wanting true furniture but we don’t have the space currently so I am trying to do what I can with basically just bed restraints for now. As far as the safe word idea we will be discussing this and hopefully it helps with the less talk more action

 

[herpderp42]

One thing to note is that the safe word is not only for her. Having one should make YOU feel more comfortable and safe aswell.
And people are usually much more submissive while horny. Have you tried some orgasm denial to help her out get into the mood?

 

[subzzzero]

This is actually something I tried to do with her she doesn’t seem to know what she wants/likes vs dislikes I think the other big issue is just the lack of play area we have she has expressed interest is wanting true furniture but we don’t have the space currently so I am trying to do what I can with basically just bed restraints for now. As far as the safe word idea we will be discussing this and hopefully it helps with the less talk more action

Use the traffic light system it will help you tune as you go. She can yellow as needed so you know you’re getting close to too much but it’s a quick check and not a full stop. Red being reserved for the all stop and discuss. Green obv means keep going.

When she mentions true furniture what does she want? There may be other ways around it.

This sounds more like she is just about you make the calls, she’s not going to want to tell you too much to do as that is taking control into her zone again. So have a talk. Let her know use the traffic light and safeword approach and you’re just going to do what you want how you want and after each session you can both talk and debrief. Knowing there might be things she likes and some she doesn’t. But as long as it’s not safeworded you’re not going to stop. This really sounds like it’s more about you being in charge and less about specific actions. She just wants you to use her and be in charge.

 

[Jim3346]

So as far as furniture she was looking at a sawhorse/ spanking bench and a orgasm tower which basically just restrained her in a standing position with a vibrator mount

 

[subzzzero]

And I assume with kids in house you’re limited to in the bedroom only and probably needing them easily concealed. Spanking bench is prob the easier of the two for space and concealment.

You might be able to imitate the tower with a leg spreader bar on ankles. and a ceiling hook for tie off point to have her hands restrained over head.

 

[Jim3346]

Yes definitely limited on space and concealment I looked into and purchased a inflatable one that can sit on the bed or floor but it’s not very comfortable for her and almost isn’t tall enough

 

[Jim3346]

One thing to note is that the safe word is not only for her. Having one should make YOU feel more comfortable and safe aswell.
And people are usually much more submissive while horny. Have you tried some orgasm denial to help her out get into the mood?

Yes I have tried orgasm denial it works to a extent but when it’s currently one of the only things it kinda gets old always do the same stuff

 

[Naughty nova]

Yes I have tried orgasm denial it works to a extent but when it’s currently one of the only things it kinda gets old always do the same stuff

Edge her every morning at lunch and before dinner. Then use her without her getting to orgasm.

 

[Jim3346]

Edge her every morning at lunch and before dinner. Then use her without her getting to orgasm.

I will give that a try to the best of my ability