Moving forward in a relationship after bad anal experience

[Saraahh32]

I wasn’t sure where to post this because I’m in dom/sub relationship but my question is more of a general sex question than a kink one, so I hope it’s okay here.

So I've (32F) have been dating this guy (30M) for several months now. We've been friends for a while because we used to work together but our relationship only took a sexual turn several months ago. We occasionally switch but mostly, he’s the dom, I’m a sub. It's been good, the sex has been great, however there was an incident a couple of weeks ago and I'm not sure how to move past it.

We did anal and there were...issues. I've never done anal before which is surprising considering I'm pretty much up for most things, but it just never happened.

I've used toys on myself and the person I'm seeing has used fingers before but never to point of deeply penetrating me. I've been considering bringing the idea of doing anal up to the person I'm seeing but I wanted to make sure I was prepared and planned on buying a douche before approaching it. However, it didn't end up going that way and I never ended up starting that conversation. Like I say, we’ve never spoken about it at all. He didn’t know if I had or hadn’t done it before.

Just over a week ago now, we were having sex and I couldn't see what he was doing due to the position but I felt him start to insert his finger into my anus which I didn't think to much of because he's done this before like I said but never anything deep enough to have to worry. However, without me realising at first, he began doing anal.

I know what you're thinking, "how the hell did you not realise he was putting his penis into your ass?” Well at first, he obviously must have started slow with just the tip and I just thought he'd spread my anus a little with his fingers. You see, I expected the first time doing anal to hurt, especially considering his penis isn't small. But it didn't hurt and he hadn’t used lube so I definitely would have thought it would have been painful without. So I kind of brushed it off and for some reason, I also felt pressure in my vagina so at first I thought he was playing with my ass whilst penetrating my vagina. It was only was he fully inserted and starting going at it pretty hard that I realised what was happening. Even then it took me a little while to realise because my brain kind of didn’t take in what was happening and then it kind of dawned on me, like "oh fuck, we're doing anal". Like I said, nothing against doing anal but I wanted to be prepared beforehand and although I'd showered before we met up, that was a few hours earlier and I wanted to have douched.

I didn't stop him or anything and I made noise but inside my head, I kind of "zoned out" because this was unexpected and I was freaking out internally about not being clean enough. I was so worried about things getting messy and they did, not super messy. The furniture was fine, it was just one him, but it was enough.

I heard him go "oh" and then he excused himself. I knew instantly what had obviously happened. I didn't move whilst he was cleaning himself up. I just lay there kind of feeling like I was in shock. I felt absolutely humiliated and full of shame. He came back in with some wipes and things for me. I apologised and said how awful I felt. He didn't make a big deal out of it and said it's the gamble you take when doing anal. He was nice about and told me it wasn't a big deal. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and cleaned up. When I got in there I just wanted to cry and could barely look at myself in the mirror.

I eventually went back in and he didn't make a big deal about it but I felt weird about it for the rest of the night and struggled to look him in the eye. I know you’re probably thinking I majorly overreacted, that it can happen and that if the guy I was with didn’t make a big deal, than I shouldn’t. I feel like I’m being immature by being upset but I can’t really explain it, I’ve just felt weird ever since. Like, it’s not even really the mess (although I did feel embarrassed) I just felt wrong afterwards and I don’t understand why because I’ve been considering bringing up trying anal for a couple of weeks, so it’s not like I was against the idea. I’m not someone who experiences shame and things about doing certain sex acts, so it’s confusing why it’s affected me so much. I’m

I don’t know why I can’t just move on and get over my own embarrassment and wounded pride.

I guess I’m probably searching for a little reassurance as well as answers but my question is has anyone else had any kind of experience with this and how do I push through this before I see my partner again? They had a two week holiday coming up right after this happened but they’ll be home this weekend and I want to feel normal when I see them again

 

[subzzzero]

This part right here is mostly what you needed to hear. When he reacted like this. “He didn't make a big deal out of it and said it's the gamble you take when doing anal. He was nice about and told me it wasn't a big deal.”

He’s right. You can clean you can wash you can enema flush. Nothing guarantees it’s going to be squeaky clean.

This part here that’s causing you stress is your own feelings and thoughts. I’m glad he was supportive and didn’t call attention to it negatively. You should find out what would make you feel better each time. Does knowing you cleaned up prior to make you more at ease? Then just do so before each time so you’re ready. Does it need a discussion….. eh…. Only if you feel you need it. Maybe just to make him aware you don’t like the mess factor and that it was embarrassing. He will likely reassure you that he doesn’t care. Which may help you as well.


From a guys perspective. I’ve been in the Dom role active for 15+ years. And done Anal even longer. It’s like he said it’s part of the gamble. It happens. I normally just clean up myself after and help her as well. It’s a calm monotone type thing. If the guy is that concerned about a little getting on him he best keep his dick out of it lol. I have found with some subs they like the control factor thrown in. So I’ve morphed it into “I expect all holes cleaned prior to me showing up.” I then bend her over when I arrive and spread all her holes to verify. She enjoys it all handled that way. But it’s not necessary. I may at times just say hey stay still in position as to not mess up the bed or whatever. But again I’ll do that as a Dom command type thing cuz that approach is what she’s comfortable with.

Find what approach to it all makes you the most comfortable and go with it.

Now if you’re seeking to be as clean as possible for your own personal mindset.
Go to the bathroom. Be sure you’re emptied as much as you can. Clean off. Enema. Wash the outside and then go for it.

Hope this helps some. Don’t stress it and just do what makes you happy. Congrats on getting that booty popped and hopefully you enjoy the next ones.

 

[MissKubo]

Is it that he put it in there without really talking to you about it first? It is one thing to be thinking about discussing trying it, another for him to just help himself...

Did you enjoy it? Is it something you'd be up for trying again or is it that it really wasn't for you (and it's okay, some things just aren't)?

 

[Doctor Pervert]

He didn't make a big deal out of it

Just as well because he was clearly in the wrong here. IF he had asked you, you would have said no, you're not prepared, or something to that effect.
Consent, yet again is the root of this problem.

You make it quite clear that anal fucking was something you'd most likely try, and would probably have enjoyed, if you knew it was going to be happening and had a chance to prepare yourself first. You had a plan in your mind of how this should play out for it to be acceptable to you.

He took away your choice in the matter, he violated your consent, and this was why you felt, and still feel so awful about it. Now I'm not trying to over dramatize this but reading your reaction sounds an awful lot like some of the kind of physiological/psychological responses that happen after rape.

Make no mistake, this is not a trivial thing and you are not the one in the wrong here. Your reaction is perfectly understandable given your explanation of the circumstances and the way the events played out. Personally I think you should talk to him about this, explain how you have been feeling and make it clear just how much it upset you. You need to reestablish your trust connection or you'll be struggling with this for a long, long time.

Being in a kink/bdsm based relationship doesn't mean consent is less of a thing, it means it's more. There are just so many things to try and more than a few can be dangerous, you need to be 100% clear at every step that you both understand what is going to happen and that you are both happy to go ahead.

Remember, consent isn't just a "yes", it's a "hell yes!".

 

[Saraahh32]

Just as well because he was clearly in the wrong here. IF he had asked you, you would have said no, you're not prepared, or something to that effect.
Consent, yet again is the root of this problem.

You make it quite clear that anal fucking was something you'd most likely try, and would probably have enjoyed, if you knew it was going to be happening and had a chance to prepare yourself first. You had a plan in your mind of how this should play out for it to be acceptable to you.

He took away your choice in the matter, he violated your consent, and this was why you felt, and still feel so awful about it. Now I'm not trying to over dramatize this but reading your reaction sounds an awful lot like some of the kind of physiological/psychological responses that happen after rape.

Make no mistake, this is not a trivial thing and you are not the one in the wrong here. Your reaction is perfectly understandable given your explanation of the circumstances and the way the events played out. Personally I think you should talk to him about this, explain how you have been feeling and make it clear just how much it upset you. You need to reestablish your trust connection or you'll be struggling with this for a long, long time.

Being in a kink/bdsm based relationship doesn't mean consent is less of a thing, it means it's more. There are just so many things to try and more than a few can be dangerous, you need to be 100% clear at every step that you both understand what is going to happen and that you are both happy to go ahead.

Remember, consent isn't just a "yes", it's a "hell yes!".

Thank you for your reply. I started in the past 24 hours, to consider that my reaction may have been less to do with embarrassment and more to do with my past because I have a history of SA and r*pe. Part of the reason I like bdsm (along with the fact that I find pain pleasurable) is because even though I’m submissive, the emphasis on consent always made me feel more in control of what happens to me. I think because I didn’t feel like I had any control over the situation, it triggered something. I don’t blame him. He probably thought by starting off slow, he was testing the waters so to speak and I didn’t stop him. Mostly because I spaced out but he wasn’t to know that. I didn’t say no and I know if I had, he’d have stopped right away but I think by that point my brain had checked out. I think you’re right about needing to talk about it with him. I was concerned about bringing it up because I didn’t want it to sound like I was accusing him of anything or make him feel badly but I can’t continue in the relationship without honest communication about this.

 

[Saraahh32]

Is it that he put it in there without really talking to you about it first? It is one thing to be thinking about discussing trying it, another for him to just help himself...

Did you enjoy it? Is it something you'd be up for trying again or is it that it really wasn't for you (and it's okay, some things just aren't)?

I didn’t enjoy it but it wasn’t the actual act I didn’t enjoy, I think I struggled to enjoy it because of the circumstances if that makes sense? I’m the type of person that likes to feel prepared, not only physically but also in my mind, for something. I was able to to do that so I was in my own head. I think it’s something I’d enjoy if the situation had been a bit different

 

[Doctor Pervert]

I didn’t say no and I know if I had, he’d have stopped right away but I think by that point my brain had checked out.

This is why it's so important to continually check for consent, it's not for you to have to say no, he should have asked.
As you mention bdsm when done right does tend to lean on consent and give a structure that can often be lacking in more traditional relationships. It sounds like you have a handle on the situation now and just need to work out exactly how to broach this.

Good luck, I really hope it goes well for you.

 

[subzzzero]

Thank you for your reply. I started in the past 24 hours, to consider that my reaction may have been less to do with embarrassment and more to do with my past because I have a history of SA and r*pe. Part of the reason I like bdsm (along with the fact that I find pain pleasurable) is because even though I’m submissive, the emphasis on consent always made me feel more in control of what happens to me. I think because I didn’t feel like I had any control over the situation, it triggered something. I don’t blame him. He probably thought by starting off slow, he was testing the waters so to speak and I didn’t stop him. Mostly because I spaced out but he wasn’t to know that. I didn’t say no and I know if I had, he’d have stopped right away but I think by that point my brain had checked out. I think you’re right about needing to talk about it with him. I was concerned about bringing it up because I didn’t want it to sound like I was accusing him of anything or make him feel badly but I can’t continue in the relationship without honest communication about this.

Knowing about the past history makes a world of difference here. Make sure he’s aware of that in some form that you’re comfortable telling him. It doenst have to be detailed. But this will let him think better once future things that might fall into similar triggers. As a Dom I always ask my subs about those type prior history to be sure I don’t inadvertently trip one for them. It sounds like you both have a good relationship so I’m sure a discussion will help clear all this up on both sides.

 

[Saraahh32]

Knowing about the past history makes a world of difference here. Make sure he’s aware of that in some form that you’re comfortable telling him. It doenst have to be detailed. But this will let him think better once future things that might fall into similar triggers. As a Dom I always ask my subs about those type prior history to be sure I don’t inadvertently trip one for them. It sounds like you both have a good relationship so I’m sure a discussion will help clear all this up on both sides.

He is aware and we spoke about it pretty early on. I like to be pretty up front about it if I’m going to be entering a sexual relationship with someone. I probably just need to be a little more specific about how these things affect me etc.