my Dom ghosted

[appleicetea]

I've recently had a BDSM session with a Dom. It went well for both of us but then he didn't contacted me at all after the session.

I'm new to BDSM. Wondering if I, as a sub, should reach out to him? Or I should be patient and wait? Or I should take that as a sign that he somehow doesn't like me, and doesn't feel like keeping in touch?

Any advice will be appreciated! Thank you.

 

[subtlizer]

Try a few messages , see if he is online at all or receiving your messages or not.
Wait for a day or two if he responds back.
If not it's mostly that he ghosted you.
But don't get too angry, some times things happen in people life , one of my slave ghosted as well , later she replied after a month turn out she was really Ill.
So don't get your mood down, meanwhile you can learn more about bdsm, from reading post or posting threads.

 

[Aligrey2]

I've recently had a BDSM session with a Dom. It went well for both of us but then he didn't contacted me at all after the session.

I'm new to BDSM. Wondering if I, as a sub, should reach out to him? Or I should be patient and wait? Or I should take that as a sign that he somehow doesn't like me, and doesn't feel like keeping in touch?

Any advice will be appreciated! Thank you.

It is very common and happens quiet often to people, send him a message if he doesn't reply move on he probably a time waster.

 

[pmme_yourfork]

Life happens, shoot him a msg and if he does not reply, continue searching for someone.
there are hundereds of reasons for his "ghosting" not necessarily because of you.
I personaly as a dom am kinda selfconvious, you gota show me that you want to play again aswell, i wont spamm someone to play again.

Cheers!

 

[appleicetea]

Thank you all! I’m grateful to have received advices from you. Actually there’s also self doubt and lack of confidence. Because before we met, he tended to send me long messages and reached out proactively. I can’t help thinking maybe because I didn’t behave well, or worst still, he doesn’t like my appearance (which is something I can’t change) and hence he just gives up on me.

Last time when we had a conversation, I did tell him I look forward to playing with him again. Would I be too pushy to mention this again? I know we cannot generalise things, but wondering normally would a (good) Dom expressed explicitly that s/he doesn’t want to meet again if the sub is not good enough?

 

[subzzzero]

Well your profile is limited to who can view so I can’t tell an age. I also don’t know whether this has been online or in person mostly. Nor how long you two talked and what was discussed as far as expectations prior to meeting up. Was it discussed as a dynamic ongoing thing or a casual play partner single meet up? Did y’all use titles and such as if in a dynamic? How much Exp do you have as a sub overall? How much Exp did he claim to have? These details would help immensely with a real answer. Currently it’s just all speculation at best

On it’s just vague basic theme here. It sounds as if this was the first in person meet. It also sounds like the communication was strong prior to the meet and yet ended immediately after said meet. So what changed his reaching out communicative manner all of a sudden?
Do guys prey on newcomers and try to take advantage of them? Yes absolutely
Was it all sexual focused the entire time and did you initiate that focus or just go along as he requested?
Did you meet up vanilla style in public once or twice before meeting for sex?

What troubles me most is When you mention you might not have behaved well or been a good enough sub. This means someone made you think this. It also means he did a shit job at communicating post session. This may have included not providing the appropriate aftercare. There is no such thing as being a “good enough sub”. That’s shit that fake doms say to pressure subs into doing more for them. All you can do is be honest and open as a person. If the match fits great. If not. Well that’s ok too. This all is just like dating not everyone hits it off as a couple. I’d also look into whether you feel he changed in person from what you were used to online. People play other roles online all the time. Countless times I’ve seen married people claiming single and then ghosting after a meet. Or not actually being experienced in kink at all but just enough to fake it to get a girl in bed.
Sorry that was a word wall but it’s hard without the details.

 

[appleicetea]

Well your profile is limited to who can view so I can’t tell an age. I also don’t know whether this has been online or in person mostly. Nor how long you two talked and what was discussed as far as expectations prior to meeting up. Was it discussed as a dynamic ongoing thing or a casual play partner single meet up? Did y’all use titles and such as if in a dynamic? How much Exp do you have as a sub overall? How much Exp did he claim to have? These details would help immensely with a real answer. Currently it’s just all speculation at best

On it’s just vague basic theme here. It sounds as if this was the first in person meet. It also sounds like the communication was strong prior to the meet and yet ended immediately after said meet. So what changed his reaching out communicative manner all of a sudden?
Do guys prey on newcomers and try to take advantage of them? Yes absolutely
Was it all sexual focused the entire time and did you initiate that focus or just go along as he requested?
Did you meet up vanilla style in public once or twice before meeting for sex?

What troubles me most is When you mention you might not have behaved well or been a good enough sub. This means someone made you think this. It also means he did a shit job at communicating post session. This may have included not providing the appropriate aftercare. There is no such thing as being a “good enough sub”. That’s shit that fake doms say to pressure subs into doing more for them. All you can do is be honest and open as a person. If the match fits great. If not. Well that’s ok too. This all is just like dating not everyone hits it off as a couple. I’d also look into whether you feel he changed in person from what you were used to online. People play other roles online all the time. Countless times I’ve seen married people claiming single and then ghosting after a meet. Or not actually being experienced in kink at all but just enough to fake it to get a girl in bed.
Sorry that was a word wall but it’s hard without the details.

Hi there. Thank you for taking the time to give your advices We are in late 20s and early 30s. I‘m very new to BDSM and he claimed to have more than 8 years of experience. We talked online for a month about everything, not just sexual topics but also general interests. And then we decided to meet up in person for the play, which was also the only time we met.

I‘m a newbie in BDSM so I can’t compare him with other Doms. But I‘d say he respects the limits we set. I’m not sure if it’s fair to say “he did a shit job at communicating post session” and “made me think I’m not good enough”. Maybe I overthink. After the play, he did say that I performed well and he had a good time. I just don’t know if he said that out of politeness. It’s strange to me that he enjoyed it but did not talk to me after the play. Especially in previous conversation he mentioned that he’s looking for a long-term D/s ”playmate relationship” (casual but long-term).

 

[subzzzero]

Hi there. Thank you for taking the time to give your advices We are in late 20s and early 30s. I‘m very new to BDSM and he claimed to have more than 8 years of experience. We talked online for a month about everything, not just sexual topics but also general interests. And then we decided to meet up in person for the play, which was also the only time we met.

I‘m a newbie in BDSM so I can’t compare him with other Doms. But I‘d say he respects the limits we set. I’m not sure if it’s fair to say “he did a shit job at communicating post session” and “made me think I’m not good enough”. Maybe I overthink. After the play, he did say that I performed well and he had a good time. I just don’t know if he said that out of politeness. It’s strange to me that he enjoyed it but did not talk to me after the play. Especially in previous conversation he mentioned that he’s looking for a long-term D/s ”playmate relationship” (casual but long-term).

To be honest this is a potential red flag for sure. It sounds like you’re being told what you want to hear. And if he was so invested beforehand it’s odd he’d not follow up after the first meet. I Know my way is not the only way. But I always check in with a sub post session and for a couple days after just in case of drop. Especially after a first meet and especially if there was intent to make it a dynamic.

Also him meeting you in person for just the play meet with no prior in person meets was unsafe for you both. No one knows what situation the other is in. Hopefully it was a hotel and not someone’s house. If he’s experienced he should know this.

Me personally im not going to chase anyone who doesn’t want time with me. So I’d just leave it be. If he goes days to a week with no contact I’d move on. I’m damn sure not going to be messaging him to blow his ego up anymore.

The reality is only he knows why he’s acting this way. But regardless it’s still not appropriate

 

[subdream]

To be honest this is a potential red flag for sure. It sounds like you’re being told what you want to hear. And if he was so invested beforehand it’s odd he’d not follow up after the first meet. I Know my way is not the only way. But I always check in with a sub post session and for a couple days after just in case of drop. Especially after a first meet and especially if there was intent to make it a dynamic.

Absolutely. Any dominant worth a dime will make sure you don't get in trouble, aka sub drop. He might be different, but I would assume that he just wanted a good session with no strings attached. Even more so if sex was included in the session - which I don't know.

Also him meeting you in person for just the play meet with no prior in person meets was unsafe for you both. No one knows what situation the other is in. Hopefully it was a hotel and not someone’s house. If he’s experienced he should know this.

It is very unsafe. It is recommended to at least have one meeting in a public spot before going intimate. Also both but especially the sub is supposed to have a guardian angel. This is one person who knows everything about the meeting and talks to the cops if the meeting goes south. Usually the guardian angel waits for regular calls with certain key words in it. If either the call doesn't happen they try to reach out. If they don't succeed or the key word isn't mentioned in the call, they immediately call emergency.

Me personally im not going to chase anyone who doesn’t want time with me. So I’d just leave it be. If he goes days to a week with no contact I’d move on. I’m damn sure not going to be messaging him to blow his ego up anymore.

If it was a good session, I tend to disagree. While there's plenty of male dominants, only a few are good ones. So if it was a pleasant session, it might pay out to give him a little slack.

 

[appleicetea]

To be honest this is a potential red flag for sure. It sounds like you’re being told what you want to hear. And if he was so invested beforehand it’s odd he’d not follow up after the first meet. I Know my way is not the only way. But I always check in with a sub post session and for a couple days after just in case of drop. Especially after a first meet and especially if there was intent to make it a dynamic.

Absolutely. Any dominant worth a dime will make sure you don't get in trouble, aka sub drop.

Honestly I felt quite sad when I had to take care of my bruises after the play and he didn’t even bother to message and check on me. It’s not that the physical pain was killing me, but I did worry a bit as I am unexperienced. I felt I was left alone by him. I didn’t want to reach out to him and beg for his care. I didn’t want to look too demanding.

He might be different, but I would assume that he just wanted a good session with no strings attached. Even more so if sex was included in the session - which I don't know.

We agreed that there’s no strings attached to the play. We were not looking for a romantic/love/entitled D/s relationship (sorry if I didn‘t use the right term to describe the status). That said, I prefer to be kept informed about our dynamic, say, we will stay in touch, meet up for a play, or this is a one-off thing. As far as things are clear, it’ll be less torturing. I didn’t expect that this could hurt so much. :‘(


But a big thank you to you all. I’ll move on although this will take some time. Part of me feel like I will at the end reach him out and ask for a clear answer. Not sure if this is wise tho…

 

[subzzzero]

Honestly I felt quite sad when I had to take care of my bruises after the play and he didn’t even bother to message and check on me. It’s not that the physical pain was killing me, but I did worry a bit as I am unexperienced. I felt I was left alone by him. I didn’t want to reach out to him and beg for his care. I didn’t want to look too demanding.


We agreed that there’s no strings attached to the play. We were not looking for a romantic/love/entitled D/s relationship (sorry if I didn‘t use the right term to describe the status). That said, I prefer to be kept informed about our dynamic, say, we will stay in touch, meet up for a play, or this is a one-off thing. As far as things are clear, it’ll be less torturing. I didn’t expect that this could hurt so much. :‘(


But a big thank you to you all. I’ll move on although this will take some time. Part of me feel like I will at the end reach him out and ask for a clear answer. Not sure if this is wise tho…

Your needs are your needs. No one can tell you no to those and if they cannot agree to fill your needs (aftercare reassurance) then you just no thanks and try for a better fit elsewhere.

Anyways won’t beat a dead horse. Use this experience to learn and grow from. Now you know for future meets, play partners, doms, etc what you need and want and how to better communicate it. We all benefit from our experiences. Enjoy the good and learn from the not so good. You’re not at fault here for anything and shouldn’t ever feel too demanding. Your needs are just as important as anyone else’s. Also know that more than likely you sharing here and opening up will probably help other subs and maybe some doms in similar positions.

 

[subdream]

Honestly I felt quite sad when I had to take care of my bruises after the play and he didn’t even bother to message and check on me. It’s not that the physical pain was killing me, but I did worry a bit as I am unexperienced. I felt I was left alone by him. I didn’t want to reach out to him and beg for his care. I didn’t want to look too demanding.

Aftercare is not demanding, it's a necessity. Every dominant person should do it and if one doesn't they are a bad dominant. Period.

But a big thank you to you all. I’ll move on although this will take some time. Part of me feel like I will at the end reach him out and ask for a clear answer. Not sure if this is wise tho…

Take your time. You probably should use it to learn the ropes, e.g. read more about BDSM and the dynamic.

Your needs are your needs. No one can tell you no to those and if they cannot agree to fill your needs (aftercare reassurance) then you just no thanks and try for a better fit elsewhere.

I can only support this.

Also know that more than likely you sharing here and opening up will probably help other subs and maybe some doms in similar positions.

This is another good advice.

 

[appleicetea]

Thank you all. All very good advices and insights.

 

[Lia51]

I am a bit late to the "party". And reading through it all. I am very glad there is people that will genuinely give you good advices. For me your story does make a bit angry towards him. I wouldn't even thing about not checking up on someone I got intimate with. Like safety is the first thing you do. Making sure your dom or sub feel safe enough to be able to talk about everything. Some Dom are not confortable with some of the need of their sub. It is a partnership all the way. Rules are set and there are no questions you don't ask ! And if one side can't handle those questions, they are not a good fit. It has to be more than just sex/play.

I'm still a bit naive on how far some people are willing to go to get what they want without any care of the damages. Like seriously, being a dom to my girls have been the most freeing experience I could imagine, I cherish every moment with them. Why ruin a good bond.

 

[appleicetea]

I am a bit late to the "party". And reading through it all. I am very glad there is people that will genuinely give you good advices. For me your story does make a bit angry towards him. I wouldn't even thing about not checking up on someone I got intimate with. Like safety is the first thing you do. Making sure your dom or sub feel safe enough to be able to talk about everything. Some Dom are not confortable with some of the need of their sub. It is a partnership all the way. Rules are set and there are no questions you don't ask ! And if one side can't handle those questions, they are not a good fit. It has to be more than just sex/play.

I'm still a bit naive on how far some people are willing to go to get what they want without any care of the damages. Like seriously, being a dom to my girls have been the most freeing experience I could imagine, I cherish every moment with them. Why ruin a good bond.

He did ask and make sure that all my limits and boundaries are well understood and respected. The communication before and during the play went very well. I felt safe and respected. It’s just things didn’t sustain after the play. I’m not angry at him, I’m just disappointed. But yes, now my doubts are kinda solved and I don’t blame myself for not being good enough