I’ve been exploring different kinks and and lifestyles for a while, I first found everything around 17 and started researching to find what I’d like. Now I’m confident in my roles and I know exactly what I like.... but I’m dating someone who’s very vanilla and against anything “out of the ordinary” as he puts it. I hate hiding this part of myself and lately I’ve been missing my submission a lot. I’ve tried introducing small things or just talking about it with him but he’s against it, and when he says no he says it harshly and puts me down for wanting it and it’s making me feel bad about wanting to be a sub. Leaving him isn’t something I’m considering so I’m not sure what I should do to make us both happy.
Not sure what to do
- Thread starter Mystic
- Start date
Your story is all too common, the pitfalls of a kinky person falling for a straight.
If, as seems to be the case, you consider your submissive/kinky side to be a major and fundamental part of you this is not going to go well. Trying to repress this will leave you feeling unhappy and unfulfilled which in turn will impact on your relationship. The fact that he is so adamant in his objections is especially concerning as it seems this is something he objects to deeply.
While a lot of the objection and even resentment towards kink by the straight community is born from ignorance, sometimes there is a real rejection of anything “out of the ordinary” as being subversive and wrong.
Unless you can negotiate some sort of play space for yourself, either solo or with another as a casual Dom (which seems unlikely) you're going to be unhappy and mourning your loss of kink as long you're together.
I wish I had a magic wand to make this better, but honestly I've seen it too many times to have any optimism. Once you've discovered your kinky side, lived it, tasted it you're going to crave it forever, it doesn't go away.
If, as seems to be the case, you consider your submissive/kinky side to be a major and fundamental part of you this is not going to go well. Trying to repress this will leave you feeling unhappy and unfulfilled which in turn will impact on your relationship. The fact that he is so adamant in his objections is especially concerning as it seems this is something he objects to deeply.
While a lot of the objection and even resentment towards kink by the straight community is born from ignorance, sometimes there is a real rejection of anything “out of the ordinary” as being subversive and wrong.
Unless you can negotiate some sort of play space for yourself, either solo or with another as a casual Dom (which seems unlikely) you're going to be unhappy and mourning your loss of kink as long you're together.
I wish I had a magic wand to make this better, but honestly I've seen it too many times to have any optimism. Once you've discovered your kinky side, lived it, tasted it you're going to crave it forever, it doesn't go away.
I can speak from experience. Trying with strictly vanilla and after time it just wasn’t enough. I wished I had called it sooner rather than waiting it out.
I agree with droptokon and subzzzero. While there are no doubt cases of a vanilla person discovering their kinky side with the help of a kinky partner, that's by far the exception and not the rule. From what you've said, he's probably not going to be one of those exceptions. Most likely, the best thing you can do to make both of you happy is to go your separate ways and find more compatible partners.
I am feeling you have more issues with him than submission or fantasies at least just because you mentioned " Leaving him isn’t something " like you are thinking about it... Build your relationship step by step, see what is not working. Later submission can be added but now something seems strange between you two.
While others have raised relevant points and given good advice I would just like to add that "puts me down for wanting it" where it's just self expression you are wanting, is a red flag in a healthy relationship of any kind in my opinion
