Qualities in a kink partner?

[nina]

While there is no one way to define a good Dom(me) or a good sub, we all have our personal preferences on what qualities are more important to us when looking for kink partners. I thought it would be interesting to know the thoughts and preferences of fellow kinktalkers on the topic, So....

As a Dominant/Switch(top) what are some of the qualities that you look for in a potential submissive partner?

As a submissive/switch(bottom) what are some of the qualities that you look for in a potential Dominant partner?

 

[Pawan]

As a submissive, i want dominant should respect submissive's limit. That's all.

 

[MissKubo]

Pawan's contribution is an important one, but from my experience I'll try and add a little bit more insight.

Trust. Obviously this is hugely important. If I'm letting you tie me up and do whatever with me, I need to have a level of trust with you initially. That's why I kind of kept my kinky side hidden from earlier boyfriends until we'd been seeing each other for a while. Probably it's also why the revelation of what I was secretly into seemed to scare a lot of guys off.

Communication. I want stuff from you, and hopefully there's stuff you want from me. A level of conversation, as well as understanding what we don't say goes a long way to making sure both partners are happy with a scenario. Show not tell can be a very powerful method of letting the other partner understand just what sort of thing you're looking for.

Empathy. For example when my husband puts the nipple clamps on me and makes sure they're okay before tugging the chain, but then he'll ask me sympathetically if it's heavy. Depending on the level of discomfort in my voice when I tell him yes, he'll know whether to go easy on me and remove the clamps early or to then say something like "awww, poor baby" and then attach some weights (which, when the mood is right, is sexy as hell, BTW)

Love, encouragement and gratitude. For some people, the love can be absent but I kind of need that. If not, then there should at least be some level of mutual liking and definitely respect for each other as individuals as well as for their roles. Encouragement, I feel, especially as a woman of size, having my husband tell me how well I'm doing and how much I'm turning him on is immensely helpful. You can sometimes get quite self-conscious when you're helpless and wondering what the other person is feeling. And gratitude, doesn't have to be overly pronounced, a simple "that was so sexy, thank you" will do it and work wonders for turning me on again when I'm thinking back on the experience later.

Honesty. A lot of people repress what they want. I know after keeping it a secret it can be really difficult to confide, but it's essential if both of you are going to enjoy sharing a kinky experience.

I'll add more if I can think of anything but right now I'm fixing my kid's dinner and trying to keep a secret of how incredibly horny I am

 

[nina]

Some great points mentioned above.

Empathy. For example when my husband puts the nipple clamps on me and makes sure they're okay before tugging the chain, but then he'll ask me sympathetically if it's heavy. Depending on the level of discomfort in my voice when I tell him yes, he'll know whether to go easy on me and remove the clamps early or to then say something like "awww, poor baby" and then attach some weights (which, when the mood is right, is sexy as hell, BTW)

This level of kinky understanding between you two seems awesome

 

[MissKubo]

Some great points mentioned above.

This level of kinky understanding between you two seems awesome

Thank you Nina!

We've been together and constantly working at our relationship for over fifteen years now

 

[Pawan]

You are really nice person MissKubo

 

[Slave572]

I am looking for Masters older than me. He must have experience in the degradation of slaves. He must be able to make me a slave without limits step by step.

 

[MissKubo]

You are really nice person MissKubo

That's very kind of you

 

[Mistress Martha]

Pawan's contribution is an important one, but from my experience I'll try and add a little bit more insight.

Trust. Obviously this is hugely important. If I'm letting you tie me up and do whatever with me, I need to have a level of trust with you initially. That's why I kind of kept my kinky side hidden from earlier boyfriends until we'd been seeing each other for a while. Probably it's also why the revelation of what I was secretly into seemed to scare a lot of guys off.

Communication. I want stuff from you, and hopefully there's stuff you want from me. A level of conversation, as well as understanding what we don't say goes a long way to making sure both partners are happy with a scenario. Show not tell can be a very powerful method of letting the other partner understand just what sort of thing you're looking for.

Empathy. For example when my husband puts the nipple clamps on me and makes sure they're okay before tugging the chain, but then he'll ask me sympathetically if it's heavy. Depending on the level of discomfort in my voice when I tell him yes, he'll know whether to go easy on me and remove the clamps early or to then say something like "awww, poor baby" and then attach some weights (which, when the mood is right, is sexy as hell, BTW)

Love, encouragement and gratitude. For some people, the love can be absent but I kind of need that. If not, then there should at least be some level of mutual liking and definitely respect for each other as individuals as well as for their roles. Encouragement, I feel, especially as a woman of size, having my husband tell me how well I'm doing and how much I'm turning him on is immensely helpful. You can sometimes get quite self-conscious when you're helpless and wondering what the other person is feeling. And gratitude, doesn't have to be overly pronounced, a simple "that was so sexy, thank you" will do it and work wonders for turning me on again when I'm thinking back on the experience later.

Honesty. A lot of people repress what they want. I know after keeping it a secret it can be really difficult to confide, but it's essential if both of you are going to enjoy sharing a kinky experience.

I'll add more if I can think of anything but right now I'm fixing my kid's dinner and trying to keep a secret of how incredibly horny I am

Trust and honestly are definitely two fundamental aspects of any good relationship, in my opinion. With the right partner, BDSM will be a lot of fun and a very relaxed and HOT experience. I am still looking for the right person and I can tell from personal experience it is not easy to find a partner that you can trust like that, at least so far it wasn't for me. But it is definitely worth the trouble. I found this new app called discord and found a nice little group of people who are looking for similar things. I started playing a silly video game with someone that might be the one this time (fingers crossed)

 

[BabyBoiEnslaved]

I just want to jump in on this trust bandwagon!
As a sub, trust is huge. Particularly if your being ask to do something your not super expirenced in ; it takes a big leap of faith to agree to a session, even online.

Particularly online, it’s hard to be 100% certain anyone is who they say they are. So I’m pretty quick to stop talking to people who are fucking me around, or saying things that don’t quite add up right.
I think this is a pretty common sentiment.

I think being shown some basic human decency goes along way to establishing trust in any relationship, but particularly in a bdsm one.
It’s a huge pet peeve of mine when a dom will approach me and immediately demand unwavering instant submission; as if I don’t have a say in it at all. In contrast, I’m much more likely to agree to a session (or more) with someone who approaches me respectfully, and understands I’m a human being with things to do other than sex and have my own needs, wants and preferences in the bedroom.

I really need to know that you’re not out to hurt or seriously damage me; some of the unsafe requests I’ve gotten over the years makes me wonder if people are stupid or want to coax someone into killing themselves.

Aside from trust and honesty; something that was touched upon in a earlier post with the respecting of limits- i appreciate a dom who is at least mindful of my needs and kinks.
I dislike the mindset of ‘you’re a sub, so you should do whatever I tell you regardless of interest’. I think a fun relationship can include a lot of doing what I don’t want to do, but at the same time if I don’t find it fulfilling or enjoyable as a whole... well, I’ll probably be finding someone else’s to play with, if they refuse to incorporate my kinks or interests.

 

[DeedeeDay]

I think trust is an absolute but the other thing I'd like is imagination. Someone that has a kinky imagination keyed to what they know about my likes etc. would be great fun.