I’m curious to know from the point of view of submissives what they think a real and genuine submissive is and if they think there’s such a thing.
Real and/or genuine submissives?
- Thread starter Fiery Bird
- Start date
I identify as a switch now but 5 years ago as a newbie, I identified only as a submissive. My perspective then was submission was real only when it involved a power exchange and selfless service for someone else's pleasure, and anything that was done for a quick gratification like random play wouldn't qualify.
In hindsight I find the word selfless being paradoxical as subs also derive pleasure from this surrender of power. My preliminary thoughts and ideas were influenced to a large extent by whatever 'theory' I had read on the internet. But over the years and with experience in both subbing and domming, I now think that the scope is much wider and would call a real submissive anyone who serves as a bottom in a meaningful symbiotic relationship, whether casual or lifestyle.
So while each submissive is unique and there are no real or fake subs, there can be genuine/true and fake/superficial submissions the way I define it, as the parameter I place importance on is meaningful and symbiotic.
Since you want to hear from a subs perspective, I think it maybe relevant to mention that one thing that changed in the way I thought about this when I switched to domming was I realised the work and serving element domming also demands. So while it's common to read how submission is a gift Dom's should cherish and the subs efforts in pleasing the Doms, I think Dom's efforts go atleast partly underappreciated or underrecognised and so an ungiving sub may not do justice to a 'real' (committed) Dom.
Nevertheless, unique individual experiences and preferences shape these concepts differently for everyone as whatever is real to you is 'real' for you. I would like to hear what others think about this. Great topic @Fiery Bird
In hindsight I find the word selfless being paradoxical as subs also derive pleasure from this surrender of power. My preliminary thoughts and ideas were influenced to a large extent by whatever 'theory' I had read on the internet. But over the years and with experience in both subbing and domming, I now think that the scope is much wider and would call a real submissive anyone who serves as a bottom in a meaningful symbiotic relationship, whether casual or lifestyle.
So while each submissive is unique and there are no real or fake subs, there can be genuine/true and fake/superficial submissions the way I define it, as the parameter I place importance on is meaningful and symbiotic.
Since you want to hear from a subs perspective, I think it maybe relevant to mention that one thing that changed in the way I thought about this when I switched to domming was I realised the work and serving element domming also demands. So while it's common to read how submission is a gift Dom's should cherish and the subs efforts in pleasing the Doms, I think Dom's efforts go atleast partly underappreciated or underrecognised and so an ungiving sub may not do justice to a 'real' (committed) Dom.
Nevertheless, unique individual experiences and preferences shape these concepts differently for everyone as whatever is real to you is 'real' for you. I would like to hear what others think about this. Great topic @Fiery Bird
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@nina there’s that word, bottom. A lot believe bottom’s are not real submissives but I love the way you explained it. Makes a lot of sense. All submissives are inevitably bottoms to varying degrees. I would like to hear other’s opinion about this as well.
And thank you for what you said about Doms not getting certain acknowledgments. I understand that submissives must be cherished and cared for, it is not an easy thing sometimes to put oneself out there as a submissive. But we shouldn’t overlook the hard work that comes with being a Dom either.
Great reply nina, you always give a lot to think about.
And thank you for what you said about Doms not getting certain acknowledgments. I understand that submissives must be cherished and cared for, it is not an easy thing sometimes to put oneself out there as a submissive. But we shouldn’t overlook the hard work that comes with being a Dom either.
Great reply nina, you always give a lot to think about.
I think you are looking for the difference between a bedroom sub and one who lives it 24/7. Like if the sub only is submissive when they are horny and once they get off they aren’t vs someone who is willing to submit even when they aren’t in a play scene
No. I think they can both be genuine. It depends on what each person wants from the lifestyle.
Does each person want bedroom only or something more like 24/7?
Indeed.
What do you think a real and genuine submissive is regardless of what they want from the Lifestyle?
What do you think a real and genuine submissive is regardless of what they want from the Lifestyle?
Someone who is loyal to their Dom(me). Someone who is honest in what they like, want even if it’s embarrassing. Someone who is willing to trust their Dom(me).
Just a few thoughts off the top of my head.
Just a few thoughts off the top of my head.
Thanks for the reply. It was a nice one. If you think of anything else, do share it with us. I’m sure there are others out there who are as curious as I am.
I have seen people use button as a kind of sub (making the term get really muddy and losing most of its meaning) but it really is not, at least at its base, anything related with submission at all (although i agree that most subs are buttons)
The term is not from the bdsm scene but from the homosexual scene.
Describing the one that likes fucking (top) and the one who likes to get fucked (button),
From that viewpoint, and the way i have learned and always used it, top/button is about the one acting on the other, not about control.
The top is acting in a scene the button is acted on. A button is a person who prefers someone doing something to him/her. (without giving any indication about any power dynamic involved)
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Very valid points and while the word ‘bottom’ may have originated where it did, it doesn’t lessen the fact that one is dominant and the other submissive. Allowing someone ‘to do’ something to you is in a way giving up some form of control... This is why what nina said made sense to me.
But I understand and get where you’re coming from. My post was about real and genuine submissives and as I’ve already said, a lot in our Lifestyle do not see bottoms as one of those.
I’d love to hear how others see this.
The meaning of words can of course change and I don't say the way I use it is the only way but, at least in my mind, there is a clear difference in what aspect of a situation they describe
Example , if I order a sub to spank me I am dominant (giving the order) but at the same time a button in the scene (getting acted on) while my sub would be submissive (following the order) but the top in the scene (being the one acting)
That said, of course in 99% of cases the 2 overlap. And in that regard I would agree a button sure can be and often is submissive
Example , if I order a sub to spank me I am dominant (giving the order) but at the same time a button in the scene (getting acted on) while my sub would be submissive (following the order) but the top in the scene (being the one acting)
That said, of course in 99% of cases the 2 overlap. And in that regard I would agree a button sure can be and often is submissive
submissive doesn't define as "slave". I am submissive and maybe try to obey to any of your sadistic ideas with love and interest. But I am just a shy interested person, not a devoted person to anyone to the point to becoming a slave. I found this topic not quite defined in common ads.
I agree completely.
And to me the meaning of words take a long/short time to change depending on what meaning it ascribes to. The old school way may have some certain criteria and so do the new school way. But in our Lifestyle can we afford to do that? I guess that’s another topic for another day.
Yes it does not. So let me ask you your definition between the two and your opinion as to what a real and genuine submissive and slave is.
I like this. I think the honesty of a sub is what separates a lot. Even if it's just an hour of playtime because they're horny or if it's someone that lives the lifestyle.
I'm relatively new to this BDSM thing, and I'm not sure about the true definition, but sexually I am what I consider to be submissive. During sex I prefer the guy to take the lead and I just follow along. I enjoy bondage and being bound, but not the other way around. However, my general personality outside of sex is exactly the opposite. I am very outgoing and have what I consider to be leadership qualities. Yes I know, weird.
I don't think it's that weird or really that uncommon. There's a lot of people with lives, jobs and such that have them in a constant state of control. Some of them find it very satisfying to let go and give that control to someone else during sex or intimacy.
