Sub safety, rules, proper Dom training
- Thread starter LilBecca4095
- Start date
I think those are good points, especially with moving the basic info thread to it's on space or per suggested above, auto message that tells you where they are. I totally agree with that. And I think they will be helpful for anyone who want to learn and know about those things properly.
Though nobody mentioned anything about police anyone's sexuality or how I feel about things. I have no idea why you need to feel on the fence for those things that are totally irrelevant here.
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Oh, I just want to make sure you didn’t think that as well as anyone else reading this. Nothing you said.
I do blieve you can send a private message to admin if you really want to talk with them. As far as I am aware, droptokon is one of the admin that I see are online quite often. maybe send him a message.
So as far as the question vetting for getting in… this wouldn’t be a massive undertaking for admin to read and approve disapprove. Plus the whole vetting process works best in my opinion one on one with many questions answers clarifications. That would be difficult to manage for each person joining. What would appropriate questions be? Who would decide proper answers? Plus one can easily Google up some random info on all the basic kink things and essentially move right through a set of questions listed out that they can answer at leisure. This is why on the telegram group I help admin we do like a live hotseat type interview. That wouldn’t be feasible here for this site.
There is as previous mention a verify post for pic verify but that’s not really proving anything about your kink Exp or intentions.
I have yet to join any kink site that has any sort of vetting. At most Fetlife requires a phone but even those can be spoofed with Google phone numbers.
This is honestly the same for in person for meets/munches. You’re relying on the organizer to be the good person who’s tried to vet as best they can but you really can never know for sure. Hell I’ve seen communities here locally where the organizer was the toxic predator and one found out was outed across all local groups.
Is it fair for a new sub? No not really. But I think that’s really not something we can prevent 100%. I personally try to be in often and call out what I see. I used to run some Kik groups for newcomers to help them know the red flags and expectations. But again it’s all just luck of the draw getting to people. Especially if a new sub has already spoken with a sub friend who was taken advantage of and didn’t know It was manipulation and abuse vs kink. Clearly all the predatory behavior seen exists due to it yielding results in some quantity. Which is shitty until those subs learn whats going on. But you can’t really police all that. Especially all that goes on in private messages.
We can only educate and offer help as best we see fit with anyone who might need it.
That all being said. Admin here is phenomenal with regards to any fakes scams frauds abuse underage etc as soon as attention is called to it. every post has a report button on it with the ability to give reason why. You can even Pvt message admin with screenshots if needed as proof.
If someone is hassling you report them and choose the ignore button afterwards.
There is as previous mention a verify post for pic verify but that’s not really proving anything about your kink Exp or intentions.
I have yet to join any kink site that has any sort of vetting. At most Fetlife requires a phone but even those can be spoofed with Google phone numbers.
This is honestly the same for in person for meets/munches. You’re relying on the organizer to be the good person who’s tried to vet as best they can but you really can never know for sure. Hell I’ve seen communities here locally where the organizer was the toxic predator and one found out was outed across all local groups.
Is it fair for a new sub? No not really. But I think that’s really not something we can prevent 100%. I personally try to be in often and call out what I see. I used to run some Kik groups for newcomers to help them know the red flags and expectations. But again it’s all just luck of the draw getting to people. Especially if a new sub has already spoken with a sub friend who was taken advantage of and didn’t know It was manipulation and abuse vs kink. Clearly all the predatory behavior seen exists due to it yielding results in some quantity. Which is shitty until those subs learn whats going on. But you can’t really police all that. Especially all that goes on in private messages.
We can only educate and offer help as best we see fit with anyone who might need it.
That all being said. Admin here is phenomenal with regards to any fakes scams frauds abuse underage etc as soon as attention is called to it. every post has a report button on it with the ability to give reason why. You can even Pvt message admin with screenshots if needed as proof.
If someone is hassling you report them and choose the ignore button afterwards.
I think these are all valid points. I still stand by the idea that a bit of very minimal questioning could be done upon entry. And that resources for both Doms and Subs could be sent upon entry. Or, something of the sort. I respect and appreciate the work that you have personally done. And, obviously nothing in life can ever be undertaken without risk. I do firmly believe that we could potentially minimize that risk. Some will always slip through the cracks.
I’m curious as to what the question bank would look like in your personal opinion. I always like to see others views. To clarify this is just me asking so I can see not me shooting down the idea or being a dick about it.
So let’s say your site boss for a day. What would the entrance questions be? How would you judge them based on answers given? What would you consider when someone is new vs experienced and how can you prove either of those claims?
What resources would you provide to those that do make it in?
And how do you deliver all those resources ?
Well, what are your suggestions??? I think a post pinned to the top of the page that includes red flags on Doms, as well as Subs, might be helpful. This may deter particular types of predators and Subs that are using Doms to actually self harm (which of course, is a pretty subjective word for us .)
Questions could include things like, “what does the word consent mean? When can consent be revoked? Are you currently in a monogamous relationship? How do you define self harm? What does it mean to ACTUALLY harm someone else? What are boundaries?……… etc.” idk. I am new to the online world of Kink. But, I was an irl Sub for 10 years to my children’s father. And, now again, after several years to another irl Dom. Kink tests are good, but can change over time and with different people. So….. I see now that some things that I am addressing ARE contained in some spaces on this site. However, maybe should be addressed at entrance and pinned to the top of the page for everyone???
Questions could include things like, “what does the word consent mean? When can consent be revoked? Are you currently in a monogamous relationship? How do you define self harm? What does it mean to ACTUALLY harm someone else? What are boundaries?……… etc.” idk. I am new to the online world of Kink. But, I was an irl Sub for 10 years to my children’s father. And, now again, after several years to another irl Dom. Kink tests are good, but can change over time and with different people. So….. I see now that some things that I am addressing ARE contained in some spaces on this site. However, maybe should be addressed at entrance and pinned to the top of the page for everyone???
I still do disagree with requiring prior knowledge. A lot of people get interested in all of this by coming across here in the first place, and they want to learn that kind of information. Requiring them to know beforehand would make it much more difficult for everyone who's new to everything, not to mention stop a lot of people from pursuing what they like.
It shouldn't be a bad thing to be new and require help and knowledge, and having these questions as means of entry would just turn all of those people away.
It shouldn't be a bad thing to be new and require help and knowledge, and having these questions as means of entry would just turn all of those people away.
This is not what I am suggesting. I suppose, I am not making myself completely clear somehow. I am sorry
You want sub savety rigth? and in term, dom savety aswell.
There are horny asholes waiting for a quick wank, aswell as catfish girls, wanting money, trying to scamm information for blackmail.
What could the mods realisticaly do?
Have a section: " you are new, here are FAQ aswell as general guidelines, Read before posting"
you can´t force anyone to read that stuff, you cant remove bots/horny assholes out of the equation without scaring away nebies.
The mods are super active and have been for 13years, enforcing rules and trying to ensure savety.
Yes, accidents happen, but there are noumerous post from all the way back in 2008, preaching savety online.
Everyone here should be an consenting adult and some general common sense like not posting your exact location if you live in a village with 50 people should be considered common sense (except you are into exposure)
Emotional abuse can happen, but the mods can´t do anything against it except advice, WHICH THEY ALREADY STRONGLY DO, not to post personal information, exposing pictures, blackmail content.
If you have conrete sugestions, write them up, format them nicely and post a sugestion post/modmail.
Are you a new young sub, perhaps try read a bunch, before trying playing around with some different people.
Are you a young dom, READ A CRAP TON, then try playing around with some people, perhaps younger subs, it will be kinda akward, stange.... not knowing what to do, kinda like teanage sex, all that can be said is, Consent, Dont post blackmailable info, Read up on what you are doing beforehand.
Cheers
Well, I am pretty much done with this thread. I have contacted an admin. I will also warn people in my immediate community that I currently view this as unsafe and why. Everyone have a beautiful day, and stay safe
So, just to get a final conclusion:
You feel like adults, wanting to try out the kink of beeig a sub, aswell as more experienced subbies, should be protected from "Doms" who are inexperienced/abusive by majorly restructoring the website, putting more strain on administrators, while at the same time making the site feel like a "scummy answer 3 questions to date hot woman" kind of site, thus making the whole experience less inclusive and puting higher borders for entry.
Dont get me wrong, Blackmail ect are real issues, but you seem like not having having had a proper look at the site, the things that have been going on and working for the last 13 years. And now without having had a proper look at the internal messaging system, which allowes direct communication to the verry active and helpfull admins, which post in manny threads, beeing clearly labled as admins. Not having had a look at the exsiting, well established general security post, beeing stickied in the varius places where the rigth people would find them (ok they are a bit outdated but still offer helpfull advice).
You are Postign your personal concers for sub savety, without mentioning any concrete problems or issues, and demanding solutions from other people?
Perhaps i misunderstood the whole point of this tread, But where do you see a problem, and how would you want to solve that? or was that already talked out with the admins?
Cheers.
You feel like adults, wanting to try out the kink of beeig a sub, aswell as more experienced subbies, should be protected from "Doms" who are inexperienced/abusive by majorly restructoring the website, putting more strain on administrators, while at the same time making the site feel like a "scummy answer 3 questions to date hot woman" kind of site, thus making the whole experience less inclusive and puting higher borders for entry.
Dont get me wrong, Blackmail ect are real issues, but you seem like not having having had a proper look at the site, the things that have been going on and working for the last 13 years. And now without having had a proper look at the internal messaging system, which allowes direct communication to the verry active and helpfull admins, which post in manny threads, beeing clearly labled as admins. Not having had a look at the exsiting, well established general security post, beeing stickied in the varius places where the rigth people would find them (ok they are a bit outdated but still offer helpfull advice).
You are Postign your personal concers for sub savety, without mentioning any concrete problems or issues, and demanding solutions from other people?
Perhaps i misunderstood the whole point of this tread, But where do you see a problem, and how would you want to solve that? or was that already talked out with the admins?
Cheers.
I never demanded anything. I created a discussion. As stated multiple times above, I have personal reasons to do such. I shall not put anyone by explanation that I do not owe anyone. I can see that my questions have very much upset you. Perhaps, you should take that to the personal workshop and see why it bothers you. You may identify as. Dom, but I am not YOUR sub. I also find your multiple posts about teenagers to be interesting. Shall I copy and paste them????
Next time, try reading an entire thread before you get on an indignant high horse. Please and thank you
I had a reread of the entire thread:
Vetted for savety: Report function, Option to verryfiy profile via admins, Explaind in Forum.
Anonymity: posting of Face pics is strictly not permited, even showing a warning everytime posting something, as can be read on forum.
Questions only keep away newbies, dont creeps. BDSM related stuff can be googled, Political opinions are rather personal and not that googleable.
Where would a dom get training if not here, where would a sub get training if not here? see Tenage sex, akward at first, lots of experimenting around,trying stuff out, reading lots. Predators are already well versed in most of these things, while the unaware, needing education and self finding are not.
On this site, subs are about 50/50 male and female i would roughly guess.
System for reporting intruisive doms is in place, a report function under every post, message, picture, private and public.
Vetting... well, its a forum about open discussion, if someone has questions, there are tonns of members ready to answer. asigning vets to people that migth never come again seem unnecesary. allso see ranks aka Kinky Newby, member ect.
Pinned savety stuff, more or less exsist, can be better. only real valid point so far. most other things are questions that can be found out within 10mins of looking at the forum. Pinned savety stuff could have been a modmail, see how its handled on reddit.
Forum got 55.876 MEMBERS, questioning everyone upon registration is quite a challenge and not fesible for the 3? i have seen so far admins, automated questioning can be tricked effortlessly and provida a false layer of protection.
There already exsist threads with lists of scammers ect, If someone uses a dom for self harm, phew thats a difficult topic, already had someone on here that was like this, perhaps self harm, perhaps just wanting levels of pain i was not comfortable with. I broke off contact after telling her that this is not what im looking for.
Since you had a look at my Profile already
you migth have read that i consider myself experimental, open to try everything, learn new thing, and that im "only" barely 22 myself, are you trying to shame me for commenting on a thread of a 18 year old? perhaps actualy read what that thead was about, the only thing i would say i messed up was one pronown.Gennealy, i would consider myself as a advokate for healt and savety, i dont have anny issues with your opinion, rather the way you seem to ignore general netikette of getting acustomed with the website you are on before posting there.
Cheers, a Fork.
ps: your general concerns are VALID, but there are way better ways to try to get them solved.
I don’t have suggestions to fix it. I’ve been here for years. I don’t have way to “fix” the concerns you mentioned. Even if I was an admin with ideas. I myself am not willing to implement and enforce said ideas. I wouldn’t have time to devote to managing this large of a job while still maintaining my actual offline life. Therefore I feel the site would suffer and eventually go dead due to lack of new members. I do still stand by my thought on how would one be expected to approve or deny based on even some of the questions you put up. For example are they denied membership due to being non monogamous? Or because they lack knowledge in self harm?
I gotta admit it seems like you came here for this specific reason of complaining how the site is managed. You refer to “personal reasons” and then say you’ll be warning your local community about the issues here as well. So I would guess that your personal reason and focus on self harm and others being harmful may link to that? Idk that’s not my business and maybe I’m way off.
Im curious do you use fetlife? Which most communities use as a hub for connecting local members. They have no vetting questions, no directive, and you have to search it all out just to find the novices newbies group or local groups near you. So do you not use that site as well?
Collar space that requires nothing but a few clicks also.
There are others but it’s all much of the same.
I would love to know which sites you use on the scale of thousands and millions of members that does all this vetting and checks that you are wanting.
Again im not saying im not agreeing with some of your intent. I’d like a way to be able to filter out fakes and predators at joining I just don’t see a feasible way to do so.
Anyways I hope whatever intially brought you here was able to be resolved. maybe you’ll share it with anyone else you can to prevent a similar reoccurrence of a negative experience you had that led you here.
I enjoyed the conversation and discussion and seeing your point of view. So thank you and good luck on your journey.
