TL;DR I’m a newly self-identified sub married to a strictly vanilla person. I’m looking for suggestions on how to explore my sub side within the constraints of my current life.
I’ve been going through a rapid period of self discovery recently, and I wanted to see if anyone here has been in or heard about a similar situation. I feel like I’m figuring things out ok on my own, but I don’t want to ignore the benefits of others experiences.
I am a cis man in my forties, married for nearly twenty years, and have a kid about to start high school. I’ve struggled a lot in my relationship with my wife, especially around sexuality and power dynamics. I’ve recently come to realize:
- I have a bit of a submissive streak, and at least in some ways I want my wife to dominate me. She plays the role of Domme pretty naturally—she’s very controlling and capricious, and has a lot of rather particular needs. This includes sexual needs but it’s mostly about other aspects of life.
- To a lesser extent, I’m a masochist. I haven’t explored enough to know how far this goes. For what it’s worth, my wife does not have the slightest sadistic inclination.
- My wife is vanilla to the point of it being a kink. That is, she has no interest in anything except the most ordinary sexual practices, *and* it’s critically important to her that her inclination is “normal” and “right”. So in spite of being a natural Domme, she would absolute deny the label.
The challenge here is that I can’t come out to my wife without fast-tracking the end of our relationship, which I absolutely don’t want.
There are a few avenues that I’ve been exploring to try to meet my needs while keeping my family intact.
One is service submission. This is further complicated by the fact that I’m the sole breadwinner, and sometimes my wife does do nice things for me (like make dinner). But most often I’m doing 95% or more of dishes, laundry, pet care, child transport, etc. I’ve started making a mental shift where instead of this feeling like an unfair burden, it’s instead a submissive practice, and it’s feeling pretty good.
Another is symbolic sub behaviors. I have to be sly with these, but things like standing at attention or with my hands held in a “bound” position behind my back while she’s “giving orders” have helped me feel the pleasure of submission. Another behavior I’m playing with is wearing an apron when I’m home, as a less blatant symbol of servitude than a collar.
The third is self-administered domination. This includes some light bondage/pain but the big one is orgasm denial. I’ve come to look forward to the throbbing sensation I get after teasing myself, and I’m loving the building anticipation of when my wife will let me cum.
I feel like I’m doing an ok job of figuring this out on my own, but I don’t want to miss out on wisdom from folks who have dealt with similar problems. The only non-starters are trying to bring my wife around to accepting kink, or ending my marriage.
So—what suggestions do you have?
I’ve been going through a rapid period of self discovery recently, and I wanted to see if anyone here has been in or heard about a similar situation. I feel like I’m figuring things out ok on my own, but I don’t want to ignore the benefits of others experiences.
I am a cis man in my forties, married for nearly twenty years, and have a kid about to start high school. I’ve struggled a lot in my relationship with my wife, especially around sexuality and power dynamics. I’ve recently come to realize:
- I have a bit of a submissive streak, and at least in some ways I want my wife to dominate me. She plays the role of Domme pretty naturally—she’s very controlling and capricious, and has a lot of rather particular needs. This includes sexual needs but it’s mostly about other aspects of life.
- To a lesser extent, I’m a masochist. I haven’t explored enough to know how far this goes. For what it’s worth, my wife does not have the slightest sadistic inclination.
- My wife is vanilla to the point of it being a kink. That is, she has no interest in anything except the most ordinary sexual practices, *and* it’s critically important to her that her inclination is “normal” and “right”. So in spite of being a natural Domme, she would absolute deny the label.
The challenge here is that I can’t come out to my wife without fast-tracking the end of our relationship, which I absolutely don’t want.
There are a few avenues that I’ve been exploring to try to meet my needs while keeping my family intact.
One is service submission. This is further complicated by the fact that I’m the sole breadwinner, and sometimes my wife does do nice things for me (like make dinner). But most often I’m doing 95% or more of dishes, laundry, pet care, child transport, etc. I’ve started making a mental shift where instead of this feeling like an unfair burden, it’s instead a submissive practice, and it’s feeling pretty good.
Another is symbolic sub behaviors. I have to be sly with these, but things like standing at attention or with my hands held in a “bound” position behind my back while she’s “giving orders” have helped me feel the pleasure of submission. Another behavior I’m playing with is wearing an apron when I’m home, as a less blatant symbol of servitude than a collar.
The third is self-administered domination. This includes some light bondage/pain but the big one is orgasm denial. I’ve come to look forward to the throbbing sensation I get after teasing myself, and I’m loving the building anticipation of when my wife will let me cum.
I feel like I’m doing an ok job of figuring this out on my own, but I don’t want to miss out on wisdom from folks who have dealt with similar problems. The only non-starters are trying to bring my wife around to accepting kink, or ending my marriage.
So—what suggestions do you have?
