Thoughts on domhood

[conviction]

Hey all
Just thinking over my last couple relationships and I had some things I wanted to get public opinions on, my last sub just broke up with me and I've realized I really need to stop putting on an act. If I decide to be "soft' and needy then that tends to spiral into what I am the whole time, if I'm trying to make myself degrade my sub then I start viewing my sub as the things I'm saying about them. I wanted to put this commitment in a public place, get some thoughts on it, maybe discuss what level of white lies are acceptable in this sort of relationship (she wants me a bit more mean and hurtful, but doesn't demand it all the time even if it's not what I'm into, is that ok?) just wanted to see if we could get a discussion amidst all the "my goddess recruiting" spam bots.

 

[subzzzero]

Hey all
Just thinking over my last couple relationships and I had some things I wanted to get public opinions on, my last sub just broke up with me and I've realized I really need to stop putting on an act. If I decide to be "soft' and needy then that tends to spiral into what I am the whole time, if I'm trying to make myself degrade my sub then I start viewing my sub as the things I'm saying about them. I wanted to put this commitment in a public place, get some thoughts on it, maybe discuss what level of white lies are acceptable in this sort of relationship (she wants me a bit more mean and hurtful, but doesn't demand it all the time even if it's not what I'm into, is that ok?) just wanted to see if we could get a discussion amidst all the "my goddess recruiting" spam bots.

So I think doing things to help feed into your partners wants and needs is fine. I don’t think lying or faking it is.

The degrading part. I suggest this. Treat it like a part in a movie or play. In the moment they are that needy slutty fuck meat. You degrade them you belittle them etc. but when the movie ends and or the play is over. She is the good person she always was. As she is no longer playing her part. And your focus is on her being reassured you do not see here as her degradee role 24/7. Aftercare and such as well.

So in short lies are not acceptable and it may work for a while but eventually it will crash the relationship for one reason or another.

 

[conviction]

Thanks for the reply! White lies was the wrong term to use, but thanks for the insight on that part of it.
I was more talking about acting more dominant/kinky/passive/confident, my last relationship was one where she had repeated mental/physical health issues in the first couple days, which caused me to treat her with kid gloves. A few days after she came back from those issues i am "different then what she imagined" "the person in my head would be confident and know what they want" which is fair, I have been treating her very gently, but I want to be better in the future.
I know this is on me, I am trying to work on it, but I just want to get feedback on how much I need to work on it, much like the little white lies i was talking about, they are ok in the moment of calling your sub names while doing the deed, but not other times, acting out of your normal self or modifying the way you treat your sub to be "unreal" can be overdone.

 

[subzzzero]

For me I’d say I know there are points of compromise in any relationship. But I’m never willing to fake my part of it. I’m going to be the me that I truly am. That way the other side knows what they have signed up for. So that’s not to say you can’t me multifaceted. To me a good partner does need multiple sides to make things work. I can be strict, sadistic, degrading, but I can also be a teacher, mentor, guide, caregiver, support, and give them praise. None of that is outside of my true self. If however I started attending to someone in diapers and doing the whole changing process. That’s me lying and faking it. I am not into it. It’s a limit of mine and that’s not about compromise any longer. Just as I wouldn’t expect a sub to break her limits for me.

Yes your needs and actions/behaviors will have to flow with the other sides needs emotions mindset etc. when a sub of mine is in a bad headspace I’m more supportive caring and just being there for them. In that moment me expecting her to handle high protocol, pain, degrading would be ignorant on my part. Just as equal. When she’s wanting that pain play and harder stuff I know she’s not looking for me to baby her in that moment and be all soft and stuff.

I think the big pic I take away is always “am I being true to myself?” If the answer is no. Then I need to really reassess if I’m in the right pairing

 

[Damokles]

As @subzzzero said, think of it like a movie reel, a momentary act. Each actor, although auditioning for the same role, plays the part in their own personal way. So you don't have to pretend or lie about who you are.
I had some initial playfulness with a sub to see if we fit together. She told me that she needs times as "Little" and I'm not a daddy. I said this from the beginning, but I also said that I would like to try it. That way there were no lies and both of us knew where we stood and I had something new to try. So we talked a lot about what she needed, how she imagined it and I had read up on it and tried to meet her needs in my own way.

When I'm writing with others and it's about my inner sadist, I often suggest that they give me "side notes" as feedback and in order not to disturb the flow of the game, these are written in brackets (like this).

In real life, many people use the "traffic light system"
Red for absolute stop - also as a safeword
Yellow for bearable
Green for everything ok
and i use additionally blue if she needs more - it can be harder.

It's perfectly ok to feel your way slowly, it doesn't always have to be perfect and especially at the beginning I expect my sub to tell me how she feels or whether she needs more. so that I can get to know her better bit by bit and better assess her needs.

You can also agree on names depending on what you need or what the situation is like.
A general call name if you want to communicate normally.
Sub and Sir, for example, as a neutral understanding of roles and so on.

What kind of Dom you want to be in the end, however, and to what extent you feel comfortable in it, you have to find out for yourself. It's never wrong to read up on many topics or talk to others and ask about their experiences. But in the end it depends on you and your partner and the only thing that helps is to talk, try and find out together.

 

[conviction]

Thank both of you for the insight, I think if the person I was with decides she wants to try again then I'm just going to take the gloves off and be me, in the next relationship I'll be much more aware of what I'm doing and not let my gentile Dom turn into a simp, or my sadist side turn cruel.
If she doesn't then I think I'm in a good place right now, I'm happy to just make conversation and enjoy the ambiance until someone shows up that wants to give me a chance. I have no idea why but my emotional dependence on having someone rely on me seems to go in cycles, and I've called myself a bit now.

 

[Damokles]

And to give you some reassurance.
I'm both a gentleman and a sadist, so I'm pretty similar to what you wrote.
And if I gave up one of the sides I wouldn't be me anymore, but don't worry, both sides can complement each other very well.

 

[subzzzero]

or my sadist side turn cruel.

Maybe I overlooked this initially. Or I am misunderstanding now. But this reads like when you let your Sadist side run for a time you stop having control over it? If I’m wrong then great. But if this is how you meant it. Start doing some work on yourself.

When you have a strong Maso. They will let you go almost limitless if you don’t know when you should stop and pull back. So just be aware in the moment and practice having self restraint. You don’t want it going too far due to neither side calling the stop.

 

[conviction]

Maybe I overlooked this initially. Or I am misunderstanding now. But this reads like when you let your Sadist side run for a time you stop having control over it? If I’m wrong then great. But if this is how you meant it. Start doing some work on yourself.

When you have a strong Maso. They will let you go almost limitless if you don’t know when you should stop and pull back. So just be aware in the moment and practice having self restraint. You don’t want it going too far due to neither side calling the stop.

Not that I lose control but that I go far enough that I stop even enjoying what is happening because it's too far, but keep going because I like the validation of the person I'm doing it with, then this search for validation keeps me pushing things further and further but because I'm not doing it for the right reasons I tend to mess it up badly.
Thanks for all the replies, this isn't something I talk over frequently, and working it out before I start another relationship should probably help me a lot in the future.

 

[conviction]

And to give you some reassurance.
I'm both a gentleman and a sadist, so I'm pretty similar to what you wrote.
And if I gave up one of the sides I wouldn't be me anymore, but don't worry, both sides can complement each other very well.

Truly a good take, my issue is that after something like a mental health breakdown I tend to put on kid gloves and it's hard for me to remove them, making me less "manly and dependable" then I am normally. I tend to fall into the pattern of the way I am acting which is something I need to work on.
My sadist side is similar, I like it to a certain extent and a very particular line that I can't quite define. but after that I tend to keep going just because my sub likes it which puts me into a pattern of going deeper and deeper.

 

[subzzzero]

Not that I lose control but that I go far enough that I stop even enjoying what is happening because it's too far, but keep going because I like the validation of the person I'm doing it with, then this search for validation keeps me pushing things further and further but because I'm not doing it for the right reasons I tend to mess it up badly.
Thanks for all the replies, this isn't something I talk over frequently, and working it out before I start another relationship should probably help me a lot in the future.

Ok this makes sense now. So you’re just getting past your own limits and comfort zone. So it’s just things to be honest about during negotiations. You could say for example I’m willing to do impact but not to the point of excessive deep bruises or I’m not willing to use a spiked paddle. Or break the skin. Light flogging and crops and hand spanks are fine. Then let them decide if it’s enough.

I had a sub into pain but not on the levels I can go. She actually wanted just light flogger for sensory feeling like the light sting. And she wanted hand spanks only but not too hard. She told me that in negotiation and that allowed me to decide could I enjoy it at that level within her boundaries. We got together and it lasted 4yrs. Honesty builds the best framework for a good relationship. One can also consider poly so that they get not everything from one person but different strengths of multiple people. Again be honest about them and don’t just sneak around doing it.

 

[conviction]

Ok this makes sense now. So you’re just getting past your own limits and comfort zone. So it’s just things to be honest about during negotiations. You could say for example I’m willing to do impact but not to the point of excessive deep bruises or I’m not willing to use a spiked paddle. Or break the skin. Light flogging and crops and hand spanks are fine. Then let them decide if it’s enough.

I had a sub into pain but not on the levels I can go. She actually wanted just light flogger for sensory feeling like the light sting. And she wanted hand spanks only but not too hard. She told me that in negotiation and that allowed me to decide could I enjoy it at that level within her boundaries. We got together and it lasted 4yrs. Honesty builds the best framework for a good relationship. One can also consider poly so that they get not everything from one person but different strengths of multiple people. Again be honest about them and don’t just sneak around doing it.

Yep, I think I have more of a problem with taking things too far after getting into a habit, I feel like if I go the first month or so of a relationship without something like this happening I end up in a good spot for the rest of it because my pattern is being my normal self, and my normal self is a pretty alright Dom.