I feel ya' feels like the slope is greased too!
I don't mean to hijack your question, but I am having essentially the same issues wading into this new way of looking at my sex life, but in my situation the Sub actually was just supposed to be a vanilla friend with benefits relationship since I am just 6 months out of a breakup. He's extremely quiet and a control freak in his day to day life, which he has driven me a bit crazy with since we added the benefits to our friendship because he's IMO scared, at first I thought it was simply of "catching feelings" for me, and when he gets spooked (which isn't rare) he just disappears, sometimes for days or even a week or more. Imagine my surprise when in more intimate moments he divulged his fondness for being dominated and wanted me to participate! I was unsure of if I was would even know how or what to do with his "favorite ties", but tried to explain that I wasn't disinterested, but hadn't ever tried it.
I was completely ignorant to any of the intricacies of BDSM, but not averse, it just hadn't really come up, and the imagery of women being dominated so dominates the perceptions of the mainstream that I was just not interested enough to look into it. After he mentioned it again another visit I tried to explain again the information gap, and of course he shut down to my requests for instruction, which after having finally broken down and done considerable reading on the the roles, made sense.
However, as I said I did decide to just do my own research, then I attempted to present my consent to play in the future to him, thinking of course he'd be thrilled, but his response was underwhelming, as I assume is because he wasn't in the "right frame of mind" and trying as usual to control the situation.
Since by my every day interpersonal nature I'm a very nonagressive person, and have "a heart bigger than my chest, I hate to push myself on others in any way I wanted to attempt to have a frank conversation about what he really was looking for, what I was wanting, etc. you know ...the negotiations. He shut down, and insisted I was pushing him to talk after he had told me initially that he wanted a little time to chill since he'd just arrived before getting into "all that". After 3 hours I figured it'd preen enough time to readdress it since I had promised myself I wouldn't indulge him until we had established some ground rules for both of us, not only because that what EVERYTHING I've read so far insists is of paramount importance, and because his way of controlling our time together by not allowing me to know how long he plans on being here, then leaving suddenly in what appears to me as a very empathetic person to be out of panic, that almost always follows sex, which to here him tell it is AMAZING...especially if it is amazing. It's as if the more he likes it the more he fears it, and runs from it. I've been exceptionally tolerant with him because ... I like how amazing he is when we are together , platonically or otherwise, but his disappearing BS makes me crazy. I don't like to wait, I'm not into having to beg someone for their attention, and not knowing what just happened after he leaves, or has disappeared not returned as he told me he would because I get so preoccupied ( I suppose this is akin to the mental masturbation you mentioned you do as well) with everything that happened, going over what might have set him off etc. THIS IS SO NOT COOL, and in any other case would be unacceptable. That being said, I have a bad habit of giving men too many chances when they make me feel good when they are around. To be clear; since this all sounds like things he should either have been just written off for long ago, or should be punished for if we were in a consenting D/s relationship; we haven't had that talk, that meeting of the minds that seems crucial to the entertaining and freeing aspects of the D/s integration and implied vulnerability.
So, when he shut down and tried to leave I convinced him to stay with huge kid gloves, and he eventually just fell asleep in the living room so I gave him an hour and woke him up, which did not go well and I was just like " Let me know when you actually know what you want because if you won't even negotiate with me then there's no point." He reacted as any control freak might picking apart my choice of words questioning my negotiation insistence. So I told him to have a nice day...or week as he walked out the door. Now I'm just irritated at having offered him something he should be excited to hear about even if he isn't excited about the talking part.
Instead he refuses to submit, and as usual is gone when we had planned to spend the day together. Due to my unawareness of his sexual needs until very recently when I've tried to communicate about this as a problem in the past I've expressed my own insecurities triggered by his behavior without being too harsh with accusations and whatnot. I know that he's an extremely private person with everyone, and is very self-loathing, and I'm a natural nurturer so in light of everything I did know (which would be way too long here to enumerate about the circumstances) and that I saw in him as amazing in so many ways, I wanted to help him be more comfortable with me and himself in general, so the thought then of being harsh just seemed mean. I suspect, especially as I write this that he is acting out like a child looking for punishment or at least negative attention, even though his control freak side is emphatic about being sensitive to women who smother and "stalk" (I assumed because of their neediness) and I have ample personal experience dealing with my own stalkers, so I just let the frustrations wear off the best I could trying not to hurt an obviously already wounded soul.
So as much as I just want to say forget it, I'm done with you. I really find him so enticing, especially now knowing that we could have this together. How do I respond to his being extremely disrespectful by ignoring me, or controlling me and my life by his control of his accessibility, then returning as he always does, and usually as if he hadn't left me hanging for days. He's apologized intermittently, and I've friggin' allowed it, which pisses me off. I'm not sure if this is a cry for my attention, just in some way that I don't know how to respond to as a Dom because we haven't actually discussed the scope of his desire for his life being dominated in additon to in bed. Since I'm usually so reserved about forcing my presence or position on others I'm conflicted. I don't want to be so harsh that whatever allows him to be in such control of everything Day to day will be repulsed thinking that I'm actually disrespecting the bonds that we have built that alllowed him to open up to me about his sexual desires, which he says no one other than his (very much demonized ex wife) and ex girlfriend know about him since they participated, instead of actually showing him my displeasure so that he will behave. It's clear in hindsight that he wants to submit to me, but I'm unsure of what his exact resistance to it is rooted in because he's so temperamental and I don't want him to disappear on me again. He says he's "just really insecure". Now that I've done some research after finding out what he really desired out of our friendship I see how out of self-loathing he's ashamed of,his desires and being vulnerable to only be rejected if he expressed them. I can see why he would refer to it as being really insecure, but I didn't know that until like 48'hrs ago. Now what?
I don't know if I should assume the dominant position now or just tell him that I'm we aren't compatible because I won't be dominated or controlled by him or any man for that matter. That's certainly the attitude I had when we met- Immdone with men, don't need em, don't want a relationship it sucks your soul with the preoccupation of the other person... That was my mantra for months after leaving my ex because of him because of his controlling nature. So obviously that's what attracted him. Hell, reading about BDSM I can see why he thought I was a potentials DOM, but I had no idea that was what I was doing by just being me talking to a friend. So, that's why your post resonated with me so much even though I agree it seems as you are male and I'm female that the challenges are different; I don't know how to go from vanilla-like '
M/F interaction to the roles of a D/s relationship, or if that's even what he wants if we aren't having a sexual interaction. When and how do I assert my dominance in the relationship if he's either unsure of my willingness and or ability to even handle take it as seriously as he does ( admittedly due to my ignorance and inexperience in entering into such an arrangement I've already screwed up left and right with being consistent) .
I know I could really get into being in control and all that entails within certain limits if we could,just establish the ground rules , and I'm still disinterested in any sort of search for another sub if he's not going to work out. I was so excited when I realized how this arrangement could benefit us both, and now I'm not even sure I'll get to play with him the way I want to because we can't get past the walls of vulnerability that exist in both of our public personas.
Can anyone who has more experience or knowledge of either male subs and how they really think, or on how to reign in my sub as the dominant personality in such a situation shed some light on his behavior or how I should respond to it to get him in line so we can both get what we want from each other[/]
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