A big chunk of the community is weird!

[MercyHunter]

I think every sub I've had has had a bad experience with a previous Dom and wished they couldve unsent certain content.

That's why i absolutely never post or send pictures of that nature. I belive it to be far too risky with too little payoff.
I have big dreams and they aren't a price im willing to pay for an online "relationship".

It's still about trust and having it be broken, or boundaries being crossed. I'd say that it's just as bad when someone uses a traum you've had to get a reaction they want or to make you feel helpless and abuse their "power".

However I do have a sub friend who has been in some of those situations, becouse she was into sending pictures of herself. I think that there is no shame in that, but after some life changes she tries to pretend that it never happened (and i completely understand that, you never know how your partner will react). I think that people should be more honest tho.

I've never even tough about someone being "a fake" i suppose that's more so a problem for the people searching for women in thse communities. (And i have no experience with that, tho i have noticed people being skeptical of weather or not im "genuine"/ "real")

I think that instead of "moving to the next potential sub", doms should express their concerns and past situations as well. "Genuine" trust can be gifted to someone only when there is honesty and vulnerability from both sides!
That's why i don't like online "situationships" or relationships in general, it's a lot easier to run from the hard parts or to play pretend.

It's a lot harder to hide the truth, under anothers presence and gaze.

 

[conviction]

All this is made worse by the feeling that I and a lot of people have had (particularly those seeking females) of being forced to move fast so someone else doesn't "steal" the person we are starting to like.
This is just an emotional response to knowing that a million people are looking for someone and being doubtful of oneself but it has really hurt a lot of good people along the way. I mean there's effectively an incentive to move too fast in many people's mind.
I wish everybody could change how the process works but there are so many bot spammers, pay to players, one and done ers, it's ridiculous, and all of them have their little quirky techniques to get you to open up.

 

[MercyHunter]

All this is made worse by the feeling that I and a lot of people have had (particularly those seeking females) of being forced to move fast so someone else doesn't "steal" the person we are starting to like.
This is just an emotional response to knowing that a million people are looking for someone and being doubtful of oneself but it has really hurt a lot of good people along the way

As a person with very specific taste, i can assure you that i feel the same way sometimes. It's good to remind yourself that the person you are into, should also be into you. (The last thing i would ever want is to not be my future partners type. That's a recipe for disaster.)

"There is a lot of fish in the sea" is true but people don't like the same type of fish.
The man i find attractive, are considered quite visually unappealing by my friends. There is a woman out there who is your type, who you are the type to (definitely not only one, but you will meet at least one in your life). Even if she is talking to someone else, even if she is in a relationship, there is a possibility that she likes you and similarly to you, just thinks that someone else will "steal" you.
People are simple creatures, that love to complicate everything.

 

[conviction]

As a person with very specific taste, i can assure you that i feel the same way sometimes. It's good to remind yourself that the person you are into, should also be into you. (The last thing i would ever want is to not be my future partners type. That's a recipe for disaster.)

"There is a lot of fish in the sea" is true but people don't like the same type of fish.
The man i find attractive, are considered quite visually unappealing by my friends. There is a woman out there who is your type, who you are the type to (definitely not only one, but you will meet at least one in your life). Even if she is talking to someone else, even if she is in a relationship, there is a possibility that she likes you and similarly to you, just thinks that someone else will "steal" you.
People are simple creatures, that love to complicate everything.

God I know it, the point I was making was more that a lot of complications are multiplied by the way that we engage with them through kink, particularly online. Someone will post a personals ad and be innundated with replies, then the replier will try to move fast because they know other people will be trying to move faster then they are causing the poster to feel more overwhelmed. Then in the end it's just still a coin flip of weather the good one or the bad one is the posters choice because of how quick everything moves!
In person at munches and whatnot this all still happens but it's slower, you can't just run up and speed talk at someone until they go out with you, and the fever of finally finding someone is a hell of a drug that makes it even harder to tell if they are a good match.

 

[MercyHunter]

God I know it, the point I was making was more that a lot of complications are multiplied by the way that we engage with them through kink, particularly online.

Another reason as to why i don't like the online stuff. I like to make friends online but nothing more.
This desperation for people to fulfill their desires makes them rush into things. It makes you an easy victim to a person who wants to take advantage of you. In order to have a healthy relationship (kinky or not) you need to be enough for yourself and to be okay with the wait (if you are looking for something serious thats is).
There is no race, there is no rush with these things (at least in most cases).

And about the "makes it even harder to tell if they are a good match", it's because of desperation ushually or a lack of self worth (or the person is just a lying peace of shit lol).

Good things come with time, you are so hung up on "getting to the good part" that you forget the foreplay.
(I'm sorry if everything I'm saying makes no sense. I started listening to music so im thinking with only 30% of my brain)

 

[conviction]

Another reason as to why i don't like the online stuff. I like to make friends online but nothing more.
This desperation for people to fulfill their desires makes them rush into things. It makes you an easy victim to a person who wants to take advantage of you. In order to have a healthy relationship (kinky or not) you need to be enough for yourself and to be okay with the wait (if you are looking for something serious thats is).
There is no race, there is no rush with these things (at least in most cases).

And about the "makes it even harder to tell if they are a good match", it's because of desperation ushually or a lack of self worth (or the person is just a lying peace of shit lol).

Good things come with time, you are so hung up on "getting to the good part" that you forget the foreplay.
(I'm sorry if everything I'm saying makes no sense. I started listening to music so im thinking with only 30% of my brain)

No worries, I've found myself looking for a sub while feeling lonely as well, one of the reasons I'm a Dom is that I have some kind of internalized need to be needed which really fuels my desire to find someone at certain points. So it's not just "getting to the good part" as you put it, but everybody on here is looking for some kind of satisfaction, some of it more constructive and good for relationships then others but still dangerous.
Unfortunately all of the times I've looked for a sub while lonely have ended (predictably) badly. Nothing too extreme just didn't work out.

 

[MercyHunter]

No worries, I've found myself looking for a sub while feeling lonely as well, one of the reasons I'm a Dom is that I have some kind of internalized need to be needed which really fuels my desire to find someone at certain points.

I know what you mean (just in the opposite way)! I'm not sure if it's because I'm a sub, or because I'm a people pleaser but occasionally i feel the need to "be useful" and to "do as I'm told" (aka i feel the need to be bossed around, but only in a very specific way).
We are human after all, we have our desires and needs, we are social beings.
Being constantly surrounded by imagery of "what we want but can't have" will most definitely impact us. When using social media it's inevitable to see it everywhere.

I do think that I'm correct about the "good parts" tho. Most if not all the people who are here want to fulfill a desire (weather they try to do it here or choose to have discussions instead, is a diffrent topic) but we are all here because of these "needs". Rushing to "find a person to do these things with" or "to find a sub" is a lot more likely to end poorly, compared to "looking for someone who i can be on the same page with". Looking when lonely, is like going to the grocery store with a craving, you end up with an unsatisfactory quick fix instead of a fulfilling meal.

Good things come with time. We need to learn how to live with these feelings instead of trying to find someone as quick as possible to fill that void.

 

[conviction]

I know what you mean (just in the opposite way)! I'm not sure if it's because I'm a sub, or because I'm a people pleaser but occasionally i feel the need to "be useful" and to "do as I'm told" (aka i feel the need to be bossed around, but only in a very specific way).
We are human after all, we have our desires and needs, we are social beings.
Being constantly surrounded by imagery of "what we want but can't have" will most definitely impact us. When using social media it's inevitable to see it everywhere.

I do think that I'm correct about the "good parts" tho. Most if not all the people who are here want to fulfill a desire (weather they try to do it here or choose to have discussions instead, is a diffrent topic) but we are all here because of these "needs". Rushing to "find a person to do these things with" or "to find a sub" is a lot more likely to end poorly, compared to "looking for someone who i can be on the same page with". Looking when lonely, is like going to the grocery store with a craving, you end up with an unsatisfactory quick fix instead of a fulfilling meal.

Good things come with time. We need to learn how to live with these feelings instead of trying to find someone as quick as possible to fill that void.

Agreed, it's quite a discussion though, like what do we do to reduce that impulse? If you go shopping hungry you can typically find something else to eat, so just avoiding this kind of site during those times would work, but also this is the same place you would get support for that.
Is there anything the website could put into practice to stop the bad ones? Or the lonely ones? Probably, would it be a ton of work and require a million admins? Probably.

 

[Damokles]

People are simple creatures, that love to complicate everything.

Good things come with time. We need to learn how to live with these feelings instead of trying to find someone as quick as possible to fill that void.

As individual as people are, so are the circumstances in which they find each other.
At least that's what I would have to say. Because every partner I've had so far I've always found when I wasn't looking for one. Perhaps precisely because you are more natural and not so forced or focused.
Funnily enough, I've often been told by both friends and ex-girlfriends that I don't notice when someone flirts with me XD
I need fireworks or something similar to notice signals that are sent to me XD

But I think it always worked because I was at peace with myself, because I came to terms with myself and didn't have this loneliness or emptiness in my focus.

 

[MercyHunter]

Perhaps precisely because you are more natural and not so forced or focused.

Idk about other ppl, but im forced or focused when im alone as well ahaha.

Funnily enough, I've often been told by both friends and ex-girlfriends that I don't notice when someone flirts with me XD
I need fireworks or something similar to notice signals that are sent to me XD

THIS i can relate to. What do they mean with "did you not see how he was looking at you?" No? I was focused on the conversation??
"Fireworks? Oh what a coincidence!"
I feel like people should be more direct about things like that. Flirting is very subjective so it's really hard to know what someone's intentions are. Just say it as it is .

I came to terms with myself and didn't have this loneliness or emptiness in my focus.

I like the words that you use, they are very intentional and have tough put behind them!
It's true that it doesn't dissappear, but you can reduce the harm it does. Similar to most hardships in life, you just learn to work with it, not against it.

 

[Gengis]

Oh Lord, this post is way to old and u have talked sooo much. But this topic is interesting so lets re open it

I know what you mean (just in the opposite way)! I'm not sure if it's because I'm a sub, or because I'm a people pleaser but occasionally i feel the need to "be useful" and to "do as I'm told" (aka i feel the need to be bossed around, but only in a very specific way).
We are human after all, we have our desires and needs, we are social beings.
Being constantly surrounded by imagery of "what we want but can't have" will most definitely impact us. When using social media it's inevitable to see it everywhere.

I do think that I'm correct about the "good parts" tho. Most if not all the people who are here want to fulfill a desire (weather they try to do it here or choose to have discussions instead, is a diffrent topic) but we are all here because of these "needs". Rushing to "find a person to do these things with" or "to find a sub" is a lot more likely to end poorly, compared to "looking for someone who i can be on the same page with". Looking when lonely, is like going to the grocery store with a craving, you end up with an unsatisfactory quick fix instead of a fulfilling meal.

Good things come with time. We need to learn how to live with these feelings instead of trying to find someone as quick as possible to fill that void.

No worries, I've found myself looking for a sub while feeling lonely as well, one of the reasons I'm a Dom is that I have some kind of internalized need to be needed which really fuels my desire to find someone at certain points. So it's not just "getting to the good part" as you put it, but everybody on here is looking for some kind of satisfaction, some of it more constructive and good for relationships then others but still dangerous.
Unfortunately all of the times I've looked for a sub while lonely have ended (predictably) badly. Nothing too extreme just didn't work out.

And im too unused to forums... i keep making mistakes on quotes and replys and.. what the helll i feel old xD

Creeps and pushy people are a thing that ive seen for a long long time, i mean.. its like the dirtyness u get used to while walking down ur city, u get used to it... A drunk men taking a sht in the subway stairs that shouts at u if u notice him .. (my last OMFG experience) xD

I know that "it is what it is" is not a constructive thing to say, i know. And i cant figure out what girls will feel being exposed to these kind of acts IRL, Internet, videogames (yes, i have heard things..... that will make u blush via voicechat in overwatch)... I just cant figure out, i have an idea of what it could be, tho. And yes, it sucks.

On the other hand, men have to face rejection and ghosting of real girls (or men, im straight so ill just say it my way) AND scammers and money chasers, if not some random "hacker" trying to infect your device.
As i said before i didnt use a forum for a long long time, and even more trying to contact people for a "relationship" of any kind. Things didnt change at all.

I did join here cause of a mix of sub frenzy and lonelyness, not a good cocktail to make a decission, but meh its ok, im use to deal with my mentals.

About being pushy and too damn straight, in my case... I speak too much, probably more than needed, and that alone could be taken as... needyness? (ewwwwwwww none wants to deal with it) or being a nuisance to deal with. I mean, it is exciting to talk kinky stuf with people, of course i keep talking xD Untill the smell of ghosting appears or until i realized ive talked too much.

I dont know if u agree, but talking about pics request: I do find it exciting and so i ask for them (i know most people have pics as limit, i understand) But the second reasson i do it its to try and make sure i am talking with the owner fo the pictures. Is not just a kink of mine to "have my name written in ur .... what ever place and send me a picture", but the safety of being sure that u talk to the owner of the material u recieve.
I am (was) evening shift supervisor at the antifraud and scam prevention department of a big phone company and its offbrands, and being sure that u are talking to the owner" lowers the risk to minimums


Edit: @MercyHunter after reading some of ur posts, i can say i became a fan, i hope to get to talk wth you on a fresh / live thread cause i dont want to be reopening old threads, this one is enough xD

 

[MercyHunter]

And im too unused to forums... i keep making mistakes on quotes and replys and.. what the helll i feel old xD

It's just part of the experience lmao, you get used to it.

Creeps and pushy people are a thing that ive seen for a long long time, i mean.. its like the dirtyness u get used to while walking down ur city

Thank god that for the most part i don't have to get used to dirtiness in my city. But yeah, that sounds similar. You just get used to it or avoid the places.

On the other hand, men have to face rejection and ghosting of real girls (or men, im straight so ill just say it my way) AND scammers and money chasers, if not some random "hacker" trying to infect your device.

Oh absolutely! And 9 times out of 10 they have to make the first move. While knowing the odds of it being real. That's one more reason as to why i think meeting people irl is so much better. There is no stress for both parties, about scamming or catfishing.
Sure, the person can still be other negative things, but at least you have less to worry about.

I would say that rejection and ghosting are just a general experience/ anxiety tho.
I think it happens platonically for more women and romantically for more man.
But those are just personal observations.

About being pushy and too damn straight, in my case... I speak too much, probably more than needed, and that alone could be taken as... needyness? (ewwwwwwww none wants to deal with it) or being a nuisance to deal with. I mean, it is exciting to talk kinky stuf with people, of course i keep talking xD Untill the smell of ghosting appears or until i realized ive talked too much.

It really depends on the person you are interacting with. There is always going to be people who like that part of you, you just need to find them.
But life also happens. Some people have lower energy, others just "don't vibe with you" it's all about finding ones you are compatible with. You can't really force a good thing to happen.

It's also about reading the room and that's almost impossible online (with new people). Everyone has mannerisms and oddities, a screen can't really "recreate that".

I dont know if u agree, but talking about pics request

But the second reasson i do it its to try and make sure i am talking with the owner fo the pictures

This is honestly something i wholeheartedly disagree with. You can never be sure. I know of people who used other people's nudes and pictures, i know of people who edited themselves so heavily that you can't even recognize them.
I like to talk about trust and it's importance in kink, and pictures is always a harder subject.
Nudes don't prove anything and if that's the pic's it starts with it can lead to distrust in a relationship.

A leak can ruin your life like it's nothing, adding your face to that just makes it worse. I've seen it happen to classmates to family friends.
And if you want something serious, risking so much for someone's quick carnal satisfaction seems silly to me.
Demanding/ expecting it seems even sillier.
I think it can be fine after a longer time in a relationship, but not in the beginning (that's just a personal opinion of course). To me, it makes it seem like the person values a jack off, more than the peace of mind of their partner/ the person they talk to.

We choose to trust people and their word's. Someone lying about their identity and wasting your time/ money, seems like less of a loss compared to having your life ruined, being unable to find a job, a partner, being treated horrible by family members, being plastered on sites without your permission etc. etc.

It depends on your country's culture too but personally i would never risk it. I know people who have done it and it worked well for them, but it's not my cup of tea (i also wouldn't recommend it).

Edit: @MercyHunter after reading some of ur posts, i can say i became a fan, i hope to get to talk wth you on a fresh / live thread cause i dont want to be reopening old threads, this one is enough xD

Thank you! I wouldn't say that this one is that old, but you are welcome to talk in the old ones and in a new one (when/ if i make one lmao)

 

[Gengis]

yes, to everything xD @MercyHunter
According to the picture thing, we could talk for hours about cyber security (i had deleted a big chunk of words trying to make a point about how it can be done in a most definetly safe way) and we could agree and dissagree at the same time xD

Of course the most safe way to not get scammed or doxed or whatever harmfull thing that may happen on the internet is to stay away from it. But there are certain healthy behaviours that will provide a high level of security while sharing things like, in this case, pictures. Or audios.

Just FYI, im kind of an expert fraud detection and prevention, 10 years working for a top company. (not braggin tho) with a higher rate of succes than most fellows.
A free tip for everyone: Search your full name and ID on google (make sure u are on a healthy net and a healthy PC that never ever downloaded piracy), chances are you already there. I am not xD