How to get over being dumped by my Dom?

[appleicetea]

My Dom told me recently that he found a new sub and will stop the D/s relationship with me. He informed me this politely but didn’t make it hurt less. My heart sank. And I hate myself for everything - my appearance, my inexperience of being a sub, and things that make me less worthy/capable as his new sub, though he didn’t tell me what went wrong.

We’ve been in a D/s for around a year. I had the feeling that I’m dating up since the first time we met. Throughout our first conversation, I knew he used to date physically attractive women (classic beauties). Knowing this made me become more self conscious about my shortcomings - mostly my appearance and my body (I’m just an average girl). But this also pushed me to try my very best to accomplish tasks assigned by him. I don’t want to disappoint him. Every “well done”, “good girl” he said made me dancing-on-air happy.

I have a strong feeling towards him. We made it clear that this is a D/s relationship and all I wanted is to be his sub (vs girlfriend). I’m ok with him having an open relationship with others. I just never expected now that he found a new sub and ended our relationship.

I thought very hard to figure out what went wrong, then realised whatever it is actually doesn’t matter. He has made the decision already. Though we’ve never said forever, this is hurting me so much.

None of my friends know that I’m a sub that’s why I’m writing here…

 

[Thygh]

My Dom told me recently that he found a new sub and will stop the D/s relationship with me. He informed me this politely but didn’t make it hurt less. My heart sank. And I hate myself for everything - my appearance, my inexperience of being a sub, and things that make me less worthy/capable as his new sub, though he didn’t tell me what went wrong.

We’ve been in a D/s for around a year. I had the feeling that I’m dating up since the first time we met. Throughout our first conversation, I knew he used to date physically attractive women (classic beauties). Knowing this made me become more self conscious about my shortcomings - mostly my appearance and my body (I’m just an average girl). But this also pushed me to try my very best to accomplish tasks assigned by him. I don’t want to disappoint him. Every “well done”, “good girl” he said made me dancing-on-air happy.

I have a strong feeling towards him. We made it clear that this is a D/s relationship and all I wanted is to be his sub (vs girlfriend). I’m ok with him having an open relationship with others. I just never expected now that he found a new sub and ended our relationship.

I thought very hard to figure out what went wrong, then realised whatever it is actually doesn’t matter. He has made the decision already. Though we’ve never said forever, this is hurting me so much.

None of my friends know that I’m a sub that’s why I’m writing here…

Can't you ask out again. Tell him you are okay with a open relationship. Tell that you don't want to end. Ask one time.
(Don't tell your friends. It will be worst. They can't understand anything.)

 

[subzzzero]

My Dom told me recently that he found a new sub and will stop the D/s relationship with me. He informed me this politely but didn’t make it hurt less. My heart sank. And I hate myself for everything - my appearance, my inexperience of being a sub, and things that make me less worthy/capable as his new sub, though he didn’t tell me what went wrong.

We’ve been in a D/s for around a year. I had the feeling that I’m dating up since the first time we met. Throughout our first conversation, I knew he used to date physically attractive women (classic beauties). Knowing this made me become more self conscious about my shortcomings - mostly my appearance and my body (I’m just an average girl). But this also pushed me to try my very best to accomplish tasks assigned by him. I don’t want to disappoint him. Every “well done”, “good girl” he said made me dancing-on-air happy.

I have a strong feeling towards him. We made it clear that this is a D/s relationship and all I wanted is to be his sub (vs girlfriend). I’m ok with him having an open relationship with others. I just never expected now that he found a new sub and ended our relationship.

I thought very hard to figure out what went wrong, then realised whatever it is actually doesn’t matter. He has made the decision already. Though we’ve never said forever, this is hurting me so much.

None of my friends know that I’m a sub that’s why I’m writing here…

Lacking on some details here but I’ll put in my two cents. If it was an open relationship why didn’t he atleast tell you about the potential person? This part right here is by far the most unacceptable part to me. If he felt he was doing no wrong he would have been open and honest about what he was working towards with the other person.

I feel you should have at minimum been given the respect of what and why. It helps to have a talk going out to help both sides learn and adjust for future.

Going by my gut here. You mentioned being inexperienced and eager to please due to feeling as you needed to perform hard to make up for it all. Him saying in the first convo Hes only been with attractive women seems odd shallow too. Im not sure if you were online or in person or how often you talked and tasked. But the way this ended shows how slack he is.

Youre right whats done is done. My suggestion is enjoy the good times and learn from the bad.

I hope in time you heal and find someone deserving of your time and effort.

 

[Instructor411]

If there was only a secret recipe to get over someone. Don't rush into a new power dynamic. I don't think bargaining to continue the relationship is a good idea. Except you both (or three) are into toxic relationships.

It's easier said than done but second guessing the reasons is a waste of time. You were together for a year, so it can't be inexperience anymore. I don't know how much power exchange you did but would he have been able to change your appearance? Just to tick that off rationally. Try to not compare yourself with her, it's not healthy. And you have recognized it doesn't matter. It really sucks that there is aftercare in kink play but none in relationships.

Love bombing is a hard rush. Even it doesn't help I feel with you.

 

[subtlizer]

I don't know much but the best I can say is to let your heart rest.
From your words, I don't see him as a serious person in your relationship from the start.

You are asking here how to fix it or get over it while he is playing with his new sub. This shows he was not much in a relationship with you from start.

As for how to get over it. Remember you are not the only sub. So he can't be the only dom. Go to stranger chat sites and have fun short-term or long-term.

 

[Thygh]

"Tips for Moving On After Getting Dumped"
Google it and read.
Reading about this topic is the best medicine. You can revover.

 

[Randy Magnum]

Whenever anyone just drops out your life by ending any kind of relationship, at first it sucks but you'll appreciate it later as it means you didn't waste anymore time with them.

As a Sub you should be the one holding all the cards and the Dom should be attending to whatever kinks you have and be accommodating towards them.
You shouldn't feel like you weren't a good enough sub. Think of it more that hes just not the right Dom for you.

Concentrate on the positives and look to the future :

1) You aren't wasting your time on that Dom, he's clearly not the right Dom for you.

2) You got more experience of a D/S relationship now. You know more about what you want as a sub from your experiences, what to look out for in the future that may give you 'red flag' vibes too.

3) Although you probably don't want to right away and you want a break, you can look to start a new D/S relationship with someone who can actually give you what you want and it will be lots better than your experience before.

 

[appleicetea]

Lacking on some details here but I’ll put in my two cents. If it was an open relationship why didn’t he atleast tell you about the potential person? This part right here is by far the most unacceptable part to me. If he felt he was doing no wrong he would have been open and honest about what he was working towards with the other person.

I feel you should have at minimum been given the respect of what and why. It helps to have a talk going out to help both sides learn and adjust for future.

Going by my gut here. You mentioned being inexperienced and eager to please due to feeling as you needed to perform hard to make up for it all. Him saying in the first convo Hes only been with attractive women seems odd shallow too. Im not sure if you were online or in person or how often you talked and tasked. But the way this ended shows how slack he is.

Youre right whats done is done. My suggestion is enjoy the good times and learn from the bad.

I hope in time you heal and find someone deserving of your time and effort.

I'd say we didn't really define our relationship. I was too afraid to ask. I don't want to be pushy. I never seek to be his girlfriend and don’t mind to be taken as someone to play with casually. But in general he described our relationship as D/s. He did tell me he has other subs/lovers, but didn’t mention this particular one, for whom he decided to end things with me. So for me this is also the most unacceptable part. What’s worse is if there’s actually no such new sub, maybe just that he is bored with me.

 

[appleicetea]

Can't you ask out again. Tell him you are okay with a open relationship. Tell that you don't want to end. Ask one time.
(Don't tell your friends. It will be worst. They can't understand anything.)

I don't think I'd ask again. He didn't "ask" me if it's ok to end our relationship. He just informed me so. Both of us know that an open relationship is fine so this is not something that I have to clarify, plus I don't want to look pathetic or demanding. I pretended I'm totally fine. I know him well enough to tell if he decides so then that's it.

 

[appleicetea]

If there was only a secret recipe to get over someone. Don't rush into a new power dynamic. I don't think bargaining to continue the relationship is a good idea. Except you both (or three) are into toxic relationships.

You're right. I don't feel like bargaining with him... that would not change his mind.

It really sucks that there is aftercare in kink play but none in relationships.

Speaking of that, he never care of my wounds after impact play. We did reflect on the play (what we liked most, etc) but I felt neglected when I have to take care with my bruises on my own. I was too nervous to ask for more care (don't want to be too demanding). Now that I realise how I had been tiptoeing around him

From your words, I don't see him as a serious person in your relationship from the start.

You are asking here how to fix it or get over it while he is playing with his new sub. This shows he was not much in a relationship with you from start.

As for how to get over it. Remember you are not the only sub. So he can't be the only dom. Go to stranger chat sites and have fun short-term or long-term.

I can tell he's not very much into our relationship. I know I'm someone "nice to have", but not someone he cares to pay more attention to. But even so I was fine with that. I just enjoyed being his sub, a lot. I tried very hard to please him; change myself to fit in his desires & needs. Now that it proves this is not sustainable.

Whenever anyone just drops out your life by ending any kind of relationship, at first it sucks but you'll appreciate it later as it means you didn't waste anymore time with them.

As a Sub you should be the one holding all the cards and the Dom should be attending to whatever kinks you have and be accommodating towards them.
You shouldn't feel like you weren't a good enough sub. Think of it more that hes just not the right Dom for you.

Thanks for pointing this out :') At some point I was nervous to tell him I didn't enjoy some of the tasks, simply because I didn't want to be dumped. I just convinced myself that by pushing the limit then I could make him happy, even at times the way I push myself was not enjoyable (although they did no real harm).

And I'd really want to thank all of you for being so supportive <3

 

[subzzzero]

You’ve learned a lot from all this and you’ll carry it on with you. Even by just sharing this experience here you might have helped other people who read and see this. Thank you for speaking out. I hope you find someone that treats you properly.

 

[syst0lic]

Some very good thoughts and replies, and your responses add more context. I think as the last poster said, you’ll have learned a lot from this experience and future relationships will be better for it.

A sub is not less than a dom, you are equal with different needs that hopefully compliment each other perfectly. A dom should be respectful of their sub and the sub’s feelings.

Breakups happen in all kinds of relationships but it seems like you gave everything you had into this one, so you feel hurt and that you weren’t good enough, but that’s just not the case. You gave 100%, so you cannot possibly be to blame.

It’s hard, but hold your head up high, and when you come across a new dom, makes sure he meets YOUR expectations. You’ll recover and this will just be a bump in the road.

 

[appleicetea]

A sub is not less than a dom, you are equal with different needs that hopefully compliment each other perfectly. A dom should be respectful of their sub and the sub’s feelings.

Thanks for your message, and especially this quote! Looking back at our relationship, although I knew in my head that we should be equal, practically I had always put myself at a lower position. I put his needs and desires above mine, even that made me uneasy. I rarely voice out because I’m too scared to lose him or made myself look like an incapable sub.

So a big thank you for reminding my worth <3

 

[daddyloveone]

hmmm I want to share with you the other side of the coin
I had a similar experience where I as a Dom was dumped by the Sub.
it happens and it is hurt full when you give it your all to make sure that the sub is happy but the sub isn't giving her all.

meaning you aren't that high on the priority list.

so my advice is learn from the mistakes and experiences and find another
and if you claim to be a good sub I can assure you a dom will come by who will treat you better than the previous
Cheers

 

[Petrolhead159]

As others have said, you can't beat yourself up or blame yourself for this. That isn't fair to yourself and won't make things any easier. As cliché as it sounds, time heals all wounds. These sort of things are always worse at the beginning, but it will improve with time.

 

[subtlizer]

So i dont think there is any need to add anymore, It's all up there. The best i can say is dom sub, master-slave relation is all about kink play. Every kink play needs some after work, even if you are a masochist, the sadist need know what can be brutal and what can be fatal. The point is demanding what you need and deserve does not make you less of a sub, its your rights. Just like your rights to say no for your limits. If you feel wrong to start a new relationship just like that, than best is to post a thread for one of your kink with limits and what you want the said kink to progress towards. In the site there are people who can give you awesome dares and tasks, as well as people who can warn you about right and wrong of those said task and dares.

Ex. If you are into humiliation kink than post a thread for it, add your limits such as public or hidden public, add how you wish to progress towards such as body writing.

Good luck towards your desires.

 

[appleicetea]

thanks all! I had a emotional breakdown for a month and recently I’m trying very hard to work on my self-care. I’m feeling much better now, even I still think of him several times a day. But now I do put my physical, emotional and mental health a priority. I’m learning to appreciate myself and I do believe things will get better!

 

[Nnj-slave]

For whatever little my comment is worth, I say do not try to go back to him.
There are other men out there who will treat you with respect.
Finding a partner within the D/s sphere is always tough. So, cherish the good that came from your time with him. Sounds like your efforts and loyalty have made you the better person.

I never have found an owner at all. While I do not envy the dark depths of the emotional chasm into which you were thrust, I am a bit jealous that you had that year with your owner.
Things will get better, please don't let this make you as hard and uncaring as the man who cast you aside...

 

[subdream]

I’m learning to appreciate myself and I do believe things will get better!

It will. Also it might help to get contact to others who are kinky too. So reachin gout to this forum here might have been the best decision you could do. It is a bit silent here - me being here only every now and then too - but it is a good source.

 

[Spense]

My Dom told me recently that he found a new sub and will stop the D/s relationship with me. He informed me this politely but didn’t make it hurt less. My heart sank. And I hate myself for everything - my appearance, my inexperience of being a sub, and things that make me less worthy/capable as his new sub, though he didn’t tell me what went wrong.

We’ve been in a D/s for around a year. I had the feeling that I’m dating up since the first time we met. Throughout our first conversation, I knew he used to date physically attractive women (classic beauties). Knowing this made me become more self conscious about my shortcomings - mostly my appearance and my body (I’m just an average girl). But this also pushed me to try my very best to accomplish tasks assigned by him. I don’t want to disappoint him. Every “well done”, “good girl” he said made me dancing-on-air happy.

I have a strong feeling towards him. We made it clear that this is a D/s relationship and all I wanted is to be his sub (vs girlfriend). I’m ok with him having an open relationship with others. I just never expected now that he found a new sub and ended our relationship.

I thought very hard to figure out what went wrong, then realised whatever it is actually doesn’t matter. He has made the decision already. Though we’ve never said forever, this is hurting me so much.

None of my friends know that I’m a sub that’s why I’m writing here…

My sympathies for what happened to you. I’m hearing only one side here, but you have related a credible story, one I’ve heard too many times, unfortunately. New submissive women often get taken advantage of and then discarded, leaving them confused and heartbroken. Perhaps you should consider he was at fault, not you. My advice is to stop blaming yourself and imagining this happened because of your shortcomings. Being an average girl is no shortcoming. Any man representing himself as a Dom who chooses a submissive based solely on attractiveness is a superficial jerk. I am sure it doesn’t feel that way now, but assuming you’ve shared an accurate account, and I have no reason to do doubt you did, you should probably be thankful. This person sounds like a predator masquerading as a Dom to me. There are many of those around. The “open relationship” should have been a red flag. And I’m sure you deserve better than that. Be well.